So the thing I meant to say earlier before I went on that weird gym tangent. It has been on my mind for the last week or so, kicking around in there like dusty marbles banging into one another as I tilt my head hoping they'll just slip out of my ear. It has to do with Stalker and I've been hesitant to write about it for a couple of reasons. The whole situation, especially in retrospect, actually affected me more than I like to let on and I don't generally like to think about any of it, preferring, instead, on the ostrich/sand approach. This is, after all, one of the only situations where I can get away with that approach. I'm also hesitant because what I'm going to say feels mean spirited even though I don't mean it to be. Stalker is a sympathetic character in a number of ways and, unless I'm talking about blatant shit like background checks and email hacking, to say anything negative about him would probably surprise the people we both know and make me look like a bitch. Hunter knows the most about it but even he doesn't have a fly on the wall perspective and he, too, feels a lot of sympathy for Stalker. They are the same age, roughly, in the same field, and occasionally work together. Stalker also had(has?) a tendency to unload on Hunter, much of what he said untrue, hyperbolic, and, at times, delusional. Hunter is a nice and forgiving man, which is one of the best things about him, and I've never blamed him for being so kindhearted toward a man who completely violated both of our privacy. We all have our own specific relationships with one another and his and Stalker's is different than his and mine and mine and Stalker's (like that sentence? Neither do I). But this means that I don't really have many outlets to talk about things that I've realized in retrospect and so my blog gets to deal with it.
Stalker is a nice, generous, and warmhearted individual. He truly cares about his friends, took a nephew under his wing, and will give you the shirt off his back. He's accomplished a lot in his life and has a lot to be proud of. He is, by all accounts, a good guy. However, he is also immature in some respects. If he didn't get his way, he would keep on and keep on and keep on the subject until I felt like a trapped animal, hoping to chew through my own paw to escape. I tried to explain once that his behavior made me feel claustrophobic (something he didn't quite understand but relayed incorrectly to Hunter, just as an example) because it was suffocating and stifling to not be able to just disagree and move on. I was so uncomfortable that I grabbed my shit and split just to get some air and get away from him. He admits to being one who fixates on things but I don't think even he realizes how he'll zero in on very specific wants and just push and push until he's all but pushed the desired item over the edge.
He was also extremely nasty when we got into fights and said oddly mean things about me. One time he accused me of using him. We weren't having a fight or anything, it just came out and he didn't understand why I was upset. What's more, it didn't matter that I was upset and he didn't want to understand. Instead, he eventually started yelling at me and telling me that I was twisting his words like I apparently always did to everyone. I don't remember half of what he said because it didn't make a lot of sense but it continued when I got home and he was sending me emails saying that I liked to hurt people, that I didn't care about anyone, that I could never love anyone until I loved myself, and so on and so forth. It was bizarre because it was vitriolic and Stalker is not someone that you would ever think capable of such intense hatred.
Here is another reason why I wasn't bursting at the seams to talk about this, the fact that I put up with it and allowed it to happen. Stalker was possessive and domineering in a way and I let him get away with a hell of a lot because I thought "oh, well, he didn't mean that and he felt bad." Truthfully, he didn't mean it and he did feel bad. This isn't abused girlfriend speech, trust me. You can tell when someone has a pattern of behavior and when they are truly shocked that what they did had consequences they weren't expecting. Stalker really is naive in a respect and without malicious intent. I let that excuse his behavior and allowed myself to be treated poorly because I felt so indebted to his incredible kindness and generosity (like I said, I am fortunate to have generous friends but I still feel guilty about taking what I haven't earned). I continually forgave him and he never learned. It wasn't until he had me literally scared of him and unsure of his actions that I snapped out of it and demanded that I be treated with a modicum of respect. So, in a way, I did behave like the victim of domestic abuse because I constantly forgave him and let it go without forcing him to understand exactly why his behavior was unacceptable. Instead, he said sorry, got a bit teary, and I said "OK, let's just move on." I basically invited the same thing to happen over and over. Don't misunderstand, I never felt bullied or scared into submission. It was more of taking an objective stance, as I so often did growing up, and thinking "he didn't mean it, he feels bad, he apologized, so my pressing the point and asking that my feelings be truly addressed would be petty." My friendship with Hunter is far more normal and benevolent as evidenced by the fact that I recently felt insulted by him and, instead of justifying himself, he took a step back and said that he did not want to explain himself more fear of firing me up further. He'd said something that I took to mean 'you'll grow out of your silly beliefs' and I knew he didn't mean it that way. He never once apologized and he didn't take the topic further. He just stopped it because he didn't want me to be upset. That is one of the best tactics to take, stepping away so that you don't muddy the waters further. I didn't feel like my hurt feelings were invalidated, that I was overreacting, or that he didn't care. At the same time, I didn't feel bad for him or that I should just let it go but let him know how and why he'd offended me. In short, I simply felt what I think really happened, he said something that he may not have thought about thoroughly, I felt the way I did, and we let it go rather than jumping down a rabbit hole together. Hunter had nothing to be forgiven for and I had nothing to forgive. We are friends, the world goes round, and he learned a little bit about me. What's more, the way in which he offended me is what I consider generic and unconscious because so many people do that shit to me without thinking. Just because he is my friend does not mean that Hunter automatically knows what buttons to avoid.
I did have a lot of fun with the kid. We went out, got wasted, danced, played a bit with controlled substances, and laughed our asses off. He is the most generous person I've ever met and I tried my best to keep him from being taken advantage of. But the moment he fell in love with me, he fell out of reality and things were fucked. I just didn't know it. But he was not the nice guy he claimed and still claims to be. I don't know if he was always like this or if it happened as it did because it had been over a decade since he'd felt anything romantic towards a woman. He was, in reality, immature, clingy, needy, cruel, and overbearing. I enabled it by being such a pushover and not standing up for myself when I should have done. That is to say, I have my part of the blame.
Here is why I can bring myself to talk about this. We all need an outlet and virtually none of the people we have in common will ever hear my side. I'm not going to all of the people we both know to give my detailed account of what happened because it is none of their business and I don't see the point. There are only two people who know us both who will likely ever know my side of things in this depth. One is my best friend and she, in a way, doesn't count. Sorry girl, I love you, but you only knew him for a year and you weren't here for the play by play. The other is Hunter.
I think that writing about it all is my way of getting my side out there without having to run some campaign to prove I wasn't some horrible girl who took advantage of a nice guy. Because I'm not. And Stalker isn't a horrible human being who preys on young girls to treat them badly. It was a terrible situation, a perfect storm, a horrible experiment. I feel and hope that it was specific to our personalities so that neither of us, or those on the periphery, ever has to go through it again. But it did happen and I do have a side and I am effected. Now, I believe, I can let the water flow under the bridge without a dam.
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