Brief Break for Giggles

Texting with Mama
As I've stated before, my mother is often unintentionally hilarious. Here is a texted conversation between the two of us from the other day.

MOM: "I lost your itinerary. Can you please resend it to me?"

ME: "Will do later. Sick again."

MOM: "How sick? MS?" 

ME: "OMG no! Why do you go to the worst possible thing? The girl who showed me how to change my oil had a cold!" 

MOM: "I'm your mother. I'm supposed to worry." 

Not quite as funny as her "Teacher flies to Al Queada Land on Friday" but still, it made me laugh out loud. 

Pasting Fail

I am in the process of putting together a testing workbook for some disaster recovery planning at work. I attempted to take a screen shot of the UI and went to paste it into a word document for my own reference. Easy enough, yes? Unfortunately, I did not hit ALT + PrtScn as I thought so when I hit CTRL + V I was not met with an image of the UI but with the last thing I'd copied and pasted. 

Just a bit disturbing when you are expecting reference data.

I'd copied that image from Google and sent it to the Bat. He is getting ready for a meeting with a woman we refer to as Dragon Lady and I'd suggested we change her name to Medusa simply because the images available through a quick Google image search were better. Apparently, when you cross my work with his work, that is what you get. Awesome. 

Going to the Dogs

What a clever title for a post about dogs! I'm really just trying to get better about naming my posts so I know what the fuck they are about. Anywho. I'm working from home today because I'm sick. Yes, again. The girl who helped me change my oil was ill and I caught it from her (who would have thought that having your face right up against a sick person's face could make you sick?) and it sucks and I'm really annoyed because being sick is so sucky. Also, as I've said before, I'm not a huge fan of working from home. But, obviously, things could be a shit ton worse and it's a nice problem to have, yes? Seeing as I've been with Batman for about two months, practically live with him, and am presently spending the day in his dining room, I thought I'd tell you about two other residents of the Bat Cave. Especially since it is in the 30's outside and so said residents are inside spending the day with me.

I may have mentioned it before but, in case I did not, the Bat Cave is teeming with animals. There is the Bat, Monkey, moi, Bubbles, Johan, and two dogs. The first is Bailey, seen in the shitty picture below. Hi, Bailey!

Bailey is roughly 300 years old and has arthritis. She is a mutt and the Bat doesn't really know what she comprises in terms of breed. She's a sweet old girl who is never more adorable than when you find her sitting on the sofa. This is not allowed but she's so ancient that we all look the other way and feel kind of bad when she heaves herself up and off when "caught". She's fluffy and docile but when she sees a cat, she turns into a maniac and jumps into action (fortunately, Bubbles is faster). It's kind of hard not to love Bailey and even the Monkey has been overheard saying "I really love you, Bails". It is doubtful that she'll make it another year but right now, watching her bite her own leg as she chills on the dining room floor, she seems perfectly content. That might also be due to the fact that the other dog is leaving her alone for the moment.

The other dog is Lucifer, seen in this equally shitty picture.

Lucifer is about 10 months old and I believe his daddy is a bull mastiff and his mommy is a wire hair pointer or something. So he looks kind of like a fucked up black lab and he has wiry hair (I've since met the parents and one of his brothers... fucking bizarre). Lucifer got his name from the inverted cross on his chest and I've only recently learned that it uber bothers the Bat when I call the dog Luci. It's either Luke, or Lucifer. Or Stupid, I'm allowed to call him stupid when he is being obnoxious. Side note - not pictured? His massive balls. He is still not neutered and there is just so much dog balls right in your face when this animal is around. He's a puppy and is still in his lanky phase so he's super adorable but also super stupid. He chews everything (my high heals, plastic flower pots, blue masking tape... hell, he was just cuddling with a paper Macy's bag a moment ago) and doesn't know when to get out of the way. Remember that productive weekend I had, part of which was spent cleaning the backyard? The Bat and I were throwing rocks, some quite large, against the side of the house so that he could mow and Lucifer did not get out of the way even though he was close to getting his head clobbered. He will take your shoes, bras, and underpants into the yard and destroy them. He has a slew of teddy bears that he loves and leaves alone for the most part. He doesn't rip them to shreds but he does hump them from time to time. 

The Bat and his cousins will rough house with Lucifer like crazy. He's really solid and you can kick him and body slam him and he'll just look at you with his tongue hanging out of his mouth asking for more because yay! playing! attention! I don't have it in me to rough house and get nervous when others do it but I have to admit, he is happy as anything when someone is slapping him in the face and pushing at him. He's pretty happy right now, to look at him. He's presently laying on his back with his paws raised, right next to Bailey on the dining room floor. Both are primed for petting (but will not be getting shit from me because they will just come back for more and I've had enough dog breath for one morning). Poor Luke will be lost when Bailey goes. 

Doggies, one of the best parts of life, hands down. 

When Weekends are Awesome

I've mentioned before that I hate when people ask me if I have plans for the weekend or, come Monday, how my weekend was. Usually I don't have plans and I don't really do anything that I consider noteworthy so I always feel kind of embarrassed (why? Who the hell is judging me for not really doing anything on my weekends? Stupid brain). But this weekend, I actually did stuff. Lots of stuff! Not really noteworthy but I was super productive and so I give you:

What I Did Over the Weekend - a Review
Friday
OK, Friday was a work day so that was how I spent the bulk of the day. But I left at 2PM because I wanted to avoid terrible traffic as being in my car for long stretches of time was killing my back (which is all better I'm pleased to say). But that evening, the Monkey had two friends over and the Bat had his cousin Rosie and her boyfriend Heartburn over for dinner. It was a blast and a half. The grown ups (well, I think everyone but me) had stew and sat around and chatted, eventually going to the garage to sit and chat whilst listening to some music. I got suckered into taking Monkey and her friends to the shoe store for a 30 minute gander at shoes, but for the most part, it was just chill. Rosie is, I believe, about 22 or 23 and she works at a car parts store and knows a shit ton about cars. She, too, is from California originally, and has been in Texas for two years I believe. She and her boyfriend, Heartburn are engaged. I gave him this nickname because he recently had open heart surgery to replace or place a valve (I think he was born without one so they had to put in a pig valve). He's only 28 but man oh man. I forget about it when we hang out, but he can't lift anything or walk for long stretches yet. Still getting back to normal poor guy.

Saturday
As it was the weekend, the Bat made breakfast Saturday morning (potatoes and spicy sausage to be wrapped up in tortillas). We were both up fairly early so I sat and drank coffee whilst reading CNN as he made the breakfast. I also decided to start playing Call of Duty because I want to work on my hand eye coordination and I sometimes feel like I'm missing out by not playing popular video games (cultural. zeitgeist). So, so suck at COD but will get better with practice. Even on the easy level I get killed pretty quickly. I did kill 34 zombies and last 4 rounds the other day though.

Once the girls were up, they had breakfast and lounged around, Monkey cleaning the kitchen as I cleaned the Bat's bathroom as both a thank you for breakfast and out of necessity because I seem to be the only one who cares about having a clean bathroom. The Bat had to go to one of his buildings to make an access card and so he left the girls with me while I continued to straighten up and clean a bit. There was a playoff football game and I'm not exaggerating when I say they took 90 minutes to get ready. Monkey started fussing and worrying about her dad being home in time to take them at 12PM. They didn't have to leave until 1:30PM and I think they just had to go to the school so I could have taken them. But I remember that needless anxiety as a teenager so can't really fault her.

The Bat and I were supposed to go to Rosie and Heartburn's shop that afternoon but Rosie was super sick. After calling another friend who was also sick, the Bat and I decided to go to Macy's so I could finally buy him his birthday present. His actual day was the seventh and I took him to dinner but it was like pulling teeth trying to get him an actual present. He decided he wanted a nice outfit because he'd like to dress better when not at work so I said okey dokey, let's do this and off we went. He is now the proud owner of a nice pair of trousers, a really great dark green button down, and a soft off white sweater. Oh, and a tie. Because you may as well have one.

I don't know if it was on a lark or a whim or what but we ended up going to Dreamers afterwards. What's Dreamers you ask? A 24 hour adult novelty store located about 1/4 mile from where my ex boyfriend lives. The Bat and I actually went there on our second date but hadn't been back. I wanted to find something fun to wear (ended up getting something too small) and the Bat wanted to look into other stuff, which I won't go into. But it's always fun when you go there because if you need to try stuff on or just use the bathroom, you have to get the key from the cashier (who also has to buzz you into the shop) and the key is attached to a plastic case that you see around DVDs at Barnes & Noble. The bathroom is actually pretty nice though. And Dreamers is literally next door to another 24 XXX shop, which sucks. Well, we didn't check it out this time, but we did on our second date, and they had pretty much NOTHING other than some DVDs and, I suppose, a movie room (I could be wrong, I wasn't there for that). Just kind of odd. Ye Olde Terrible Sex Shoppe next to Pretty Killer Did You Know They Have Disposable Cock Rings Sex Shoppe.

You can use your imagination as to the rest of the evening. I even did laundry. Just reread this and that sounds like I did laundry based on other activities I participated in. No, I just happened to do some laundry.

Sunday
Sundays are usually pretty chill for the most part but the weather was really warm and the Bat wanted to work on his yard. I went for a run whilst he fixed his lawn mower and then we both cleaned up his garden, removing all bits of plastic and trash in preparation for tilling. I even got to use the machete to hack at the roots of tomatoes so as to remove the metal caging bits. Oh, and I got to use the drill when we took down the fence. The yard looks pretty good now with half of the garden tilled (with more tilling needed before any planting; we are considering planting winter veggies).

That afternoon we finally made it over to Rosie and Heartburn's shop where I needed to change my oil. First, Rosie showed me how to do it on her car, then she guided me as I did it all on my own for mine. Mine is really easy because the filter is pretty much right on top of the oil dealie that has the bolt/screw you have to remove. I'm weak as a guppie so I had to use a tool to get the filter off (and to get it back on because just because I can't turn it does not mean it is tight enough) but it was dead easy. I got messy, of course, but I didn't care and Rosie was sweet and told me that the first time she did it she was absolutely covered. It was fun and really rewarding and I'm so, so, so stoked that I know how to do this now. I've told pretty much everyone I know about it.

Rosie and Heartburn came back with us to the Bat Cave for pizza and beer and television in the garage. Like Friday night, the Bat and I ended up chilling alone in the garage for awhile after they'd left. At one point he said something along the lines of "oh, I'm really happy you're in my life at this point in time" or something. It's adorable the way he says things like that because it's almost like he sets a reminder on his phone telling him "time to say something sweet to her". I know he means it, as I've said, as he wouldn't lie to me or patronize me. It's just funny how obligatory it sounds. But it's also very touching that he does it because he knows I (and girls like me) really like hearing those things.

After the season premier of Being Human, we both took a shower. I was absolutely filthy from my run, the garden work, and changing my oil. There is only one working shower in the Bat Cave and it is in the Monkey's bathroom. The Bat and I haven't showered together in awhile but we did last night and it was fine and we kissed but we honestly didn't get up to anything rated beyond PG. However, the Bat likes to take a shower with extremely hot water before ending it with frigid water. I admit that we made some weird sounds when he turned the faucet to freezing but still. I only mention this because once I was out of the shower and was in the hallway, I could hear Monkey saying to her (boy?)friend "I can hear my dad and his girlfriend!" Dude, we weren't doing anything. I don't like to do anything when I know she's awake because I'm terrified of her walking in (which she's never done) and I don't like making too much noise when she's home (which is why the Bat moved his bed and why I keep meaning to jam a pillow between the headboard and the wall). It's weird for a kid to hear her dad getting it on. I respect that. I'm not about to hump in the shower at freaking 8:30PM.

And then bed. All in all I had an incredibly productive weekend of chores and setting up a work station (read: connecting my laptop to a separate monitor so I can work more comfortably in the Cave) and hanging out with decent people. Going back to work is a bitch. But I will go back to the Bat Cave afterwards and that is a reward in itself. Bonus points for having the rescheduled dance lesson with the Bat this evening.

Here's hoping my week is somehow as rad as my weekend. I'm really liking this life of mine. 

Drama & Gender Stereotypes

I was in the car with the Bat and Monkey the other day when Monkey said:

"This is why I have guy friends. No. Drama."

Said by a 14 year old girl. Who is on Drill Team. With a bunch of other girls with whom she hangs out whenever she possibly can. A girl who never mentions any boys names, even when it is just the two of us and her dad is out of earshot.

Adorable, isn't it? I didn't snort but before I could think I did say "that's what EVERY girl says." Then I felt kind of bad because, you know, I'm sure I espoused my fair share of platitudes at that age as well and being almost 33 is a lot different than being 14. It's funny being around this girl because it makes me realize how ridiculous humans are and how awesome getting older can actually be. But I have to admit, some women really are full of the drama and really enjoy it. I'm not one of them but I'm also not one who claims to get along better with men than women or despises my own gender. Women are awesome. Men are awesome. People are assholes.

And don't try and tell me that women are alone in this petty shit. Guitar Hero works with a guy who acts all pissy and passive aggressive and has done ever since GH went from working with him to working for someone else (I think it was a promotion or something). Men can be vindictive and childish and dramatic just like women. It's just that we excel at it and put more effort into it. Or so I believe. That and some men really refuse to believe anything other than the stereotypes. Asshat used to always accuse me of being passive aggressive and being a game player. This would occur when I was confused about something and he was pissed off. Never entered his head that maybe texting only wasn't the best form of communication and that no, just because I misread something (that was totally lacking in terms of tone) did not make me either an idiot or a game player. That shit infuriated me because I don't do that shit. Even certain female friends of mine forget and I'll have to call them up and say "Look, what I said in my email is what the fuck I meant. Stop looking for hidden meaning." That usually gets the job done and they stop picking apart every sentence to find what I'm really saying.

So I get it, I do. Stereotypes are perpetuated because so many people continue to prove them right. But there are exceptions to the rule and I think there are a lot more women like me out there than some would like to admit. The Bat posts ridiculous shit on Facebook about this sort of thing and I finally asked him one day if he believed all that nonsense. He said "no" and I have to believe him because he's never once challenged anything I said to get to the real meaning. He pretty much takes me at my word and doesn't borrow trouble. That and the fact that we only text when we are at work and most of our communication is done face to face has allowed us to avoid any real arguments. Well, that and the fact that we've only been together for about two months.  In return, I don't treat him as a one size fits all male personality but treat him like the man he is. If we go out I don't hover around and see who he is checking out. If a female friend kisses him or he kisses her, I don't get upset (if they were full on tongue and mouth, yeah, I'd say something, but a kiss on the cheek ain't no thang). I don't treat him like he is less intelligent than I am or that he is automatically a slob who is domestically incompetent and only knows beer! football! boobies! That isn't who he is at all. Honestly, when we watched a movie the other night, I was the one who said "when they show that girl there, is it me, or is the only thing you can think 'man she's got a nice rack'?" Yes, he did think the same thing but no, it did not bother me and I'm the one who mentioned it (seriously though, there were so many shots of her in tanktops where she had this great set of tits that it was impossible not to spend the rest of the movie hoping for some nudity and speculation on whether she'd had a push up bra on or not because in other scenes they definitely got smaller. Hey, if you are going to have them smack up in my face, I am going to look).

Kind of took a turn there, didn't I? My point is that I get really tired of the gender stereotyping and I'm glad I can, for the most part, avoid it in my current relationship (if he posts that shit on my wall, I just ignore it... unless there is a glaring grammatical error or a really good joke I can make in response). And drama? It's always going to be there because certain personalities enjoy it. I don't like it in my own life but I certainly enjoy it in different things I read online, whether blogs or gossip columns. You either engage or disengage.

But at 14? I don't think you know shit about it quite yet. 

Dull but delighted

Right now my body is reminding me why I don't exercise; because it fucking hurts. I went for a brief run the other day and then Monkey suggested we do the ab workout from P90X. She quit pretty much immediately and I lasted 14 minutes. I can barely walk at this point, my hip flexors are so freaking sore. Adult activities didn't help the matter and driving into work today was a nightmare. A 90 minute nightmare due to my getting up late because I stayed up late with the Bat and so I got to experience the omnishambles of downtown Dallas's finest traffic this morning.

I think my pelvis wants to snap like a wishbone. I do want to continue exercising but it looks like I'll be holding my arms out whilst holding soup cans for awhile because that is about all I have in me right now. Stupid P90X.

Not much has been happening in my life, which is why I've been quiet. Work has been incredibly slow, which is not fun because there are only so many things I can look at online and my days are long and dreadful when I'm bored. I've been thinking about taking up writing again, just short stories that no one will ever see, but I need some sort of writing prompt(s) and I don't know if I really have it in me. Basically, I'm just blah these days.

Happy though. Still spending all my time at the Bat Cave and am enjoying the normal shit that happens in life. We hang out, watch movies (sometimes Monkey even deigns to watch with us), have dinner, and just hang out some more. Nothing exciting, a lot of routine, but all for a very contented life nonetheless. The Bat seems happy. Monkey is usually pretty happy for the most part (she's a teenager so, you know, there are a few moments but they are really few and far between and usually just presents itself as whining, which I'm good at myself). I'm happy.

Both the Bat and Tits had a birthday this month (both on November 7) and mine is coming up in December. I'll be in Arizona, as I think I've mentioned, and it should be fun. My mother asked me recently what I was doing for the holidays so I told her I think I'll spend Thanksgiving with the Bat and his fam if invited but that for Christmas I will be at home by myself with pizza and beer. She asked if that would offend anybody, meaning the Bat's family, and I said "who cares. I don't have to celebrate shit if I don't want to." I try to keep myself out of the whole thing every year but people always try to force me into participating. I know it comes from a good place (they don't want me to feel left out) but it is still obnoxious (I don't want to be included). Even other atheists cajole me about my stance on not celebrating Christmas in anyway. But for fuck's sake, I just don't like it.

I stumbled across something that I think I will get for anyone who tries to force me to participate this year. So leave me alone or else risk being creeped out by a disturbing gift. I'll hopefully be back sometime when I have anything of substance to write. I've just made myself realize how utterly dull my life is; but I'm too happy at the moment to really care. 

Hello November!

Well hello there. November has arrived and the weather has slightly improved. It was about 70 yesterday and I don't remember feeling bitchy about the humidity or anything so score! Hopefully this will keep up and it will just get cooler and maybe rainy; you know, proper autumn.

October went out as it was meant to, with Halloween and all sorts of fun. We had a potluck at work and for once in my life I actually contributed something. Ladies and gentleman, I give you flesh worms:

Pretty gross, yes? The Bat went online to find a recipe because I wanted to bring something that was not a dessert. I was grossed out whilst making them and couldn't even eat it because it was so creepy. The worms are made out of pork loin wrapped in bacon. The teeth are raw spaghetti and the eyes are cloves with the ends burned.The guts are chili. I did not win the award for best dish because this dude made a meatloaf mummy but everyone agreed that mine was the grossest so I was satisfied.

Monkey had a football game and is almost at the totally over it phase when it comes to Halloween so she didn't dress up (though she did get zombified by her dear old dad the day before because the JV game featured a Drill Team number set to Thriller). The Bat wore some creepy contacts* but that was it. Me? I did shit right.

I bought a zipper face kit from one of those pop up Halloween stores and the Bat put it on me before bruising up my other eye (obscured by my hair). I looked awesome and had so much fun going to the bar with the Bat and Paul Bunyon, his 6'7 cousin. Paul didn't get dressed up at all, loser. Sucks that Halloween is a holiday that happens in one day. People spread Christmas out forfuckingever but Halloween is all over in a single night. No one at the bar was dressed up either. Granted, we went to a local sushi bar so it wasn't all that surprising. This is the same place that the Bat and I usually patronize on Wednesdays for Happy Hour** and I now know why HH matters; I dropped just shy of $100 by being all beneficent and generous with my "I'll cover it."  One entree, a couple of beers, and a few carafes of sake. Oy.

It was a fun night, so I guess the money doesn't really matter. Afterwards we returned to the Bat Cave where the Bat and Paul decided to wrestle a whole bunch. I took some video and my favorite parts are when I yell at them to be careful because Johan was on the floor and when they were both sitting on the floor, cross-legged and panting, and I kept saying "no. No more. Be good." Unfortunately, I cannot post said video because you know, I respect other peoples' privacy.  

Today is Sunday so it's going to either be a super lazy day or else a very busy housekeeping sort of day. Seeing as I just finished some brunch, I'm going for lazy (I know the picture isn't very good but I was hungry).

*I texted a picture of me and the Bat from the evening to my mother. She asked me if he had yellow eyes. "No. He has brown eyes but he was wearing creepy contacts." What the fuck? 

**Patronize? Seriously? Sorry, I was having trouble with my sentence structure and just gave up and figured I'd go with sounding pretentious.