Everybody was Iso-lating!

That company-wide memo stating that everyone can work from home was replaced by a new memo strongly encouraging everyone to work from home. At least one office is closed thus far and I'm pretty sure all travel has been canceled at this point. That is at my company and evidently the same is going for my former company. Bars and restaurants have been directed to shut down dining in and can only operate deliveries and curbside pickup services.

The term 'self-isolation' is having its fifteen minutes. From what I've seen on Instagram, the news, and memes friends send, it is a mix between people already going completely crazy from being forced to stay home all weekend and others shrugging because it isn't a big deal. I'm in the latter category. I like going out to dinner or for happy hour or bookstores and the like, but I'm much more of a homebody so I don't go out frequently at all. And considering my most recent relationship was with someone who dislikes going out almost entirely, I've not done it a great deal in the last few years. Not being able to go into the office is a bit difficult but right now, for me, that is because I don't really have anything to do and I feel guilty.

I'm also scared now that I'm going to be let go because I've only been with the company a month. I work in the healthcare industry so it isn't that we are losing money because of COVID-19, at least, I don't think our revenue is impacted, but it's just a fear. Maybe if I'd hit my 90 days I'd be less anxious but, alas, today is literally my first month mark. I have a one-on-one with my boss in about 20 minutes so I'm hoping she will be able to provide me some reassurance as well as direct me to some things I can do.

Like everyone else, I just want this to be over. It's heartbreaking to read about businesses effectively shutting down and people being out of work/losing their jobs because of this. The house or senate is talking about passing a stimulus measure but I'm not sure where people would spend that money to truly boost the economy. Grocery deliveries and Amazon? Certainly not on airfare to help out that industry which is now asking for a government bailout. Maybe instead of a stimulus package they could pass a "job protection" plan to give companies money to cover the costs of employees being forced to work from home or be out of jobs/on furlough.

And even when schools are staying open so that children can have their breakfast and/or lunch since those programs are the only meals some kids get, are there things in place to transport those children back and forth? It's like when people say that we don't need to pump money into schools and kids can go to whichever one they want if they want to go to a better one; how does the kid get there? Bus service isn't always available, especially if the "better school" is 45 minutes away and public transportation in this country is a joke. Not all families can afford to have cars so parents can't necessarily do it. So again, are there measures in place to ensure these children will get to eat? (Off topic but there is a term or word that I want to use in place of "something" but I cannot think of it and it is driving me bonkers. UPDATE: Measures! The word was measures).

It's just incredibly sad and scary. I'm still not feeling an overall, lingering sense of panic that will lead me to stock up on meat, toilet paper, or guns, but I do have fear and anxiety about what the outcome of all of this will be. People are now suggesting that the self-isolation/working from home/school closures will be in place for at least eight weeks instead of the two that have gone into effect. I'm sincerely - and selfishly - hoping that the eight week time frame is to do with keeping schools closed and classes online than it is about an impending nationwide quarantine. Being childless, that would mean I could return to the office in April. But no one knows and it is difficult to trust any information when there are so many conflicting stories.

I guess we shall see, as they say. My meeting with my boss begins momentarily. Fingers crossed it is good news. 

COVID Operations

We will begin with levity because this is all just a self-serving opportunity for me to demonstrate how clever I was at the beginning of the week.

Spanish Andy: I'm working from home today. A colleague who just got back from Italy decided not to self-quarantine even though that is company policy.

Me: It would be ironic if patient zero for DFW came from your office since you work at McAfee, a company known for it's anti-virus solutions.

Deep bow

It is really rare that I'm that clever in the moment so I've been dining out on that a LOT this week.

I'm not going to get super heavy or anything. I live in Dallas, Texas; not even Dallas proper but a northern suburb area that is a little sliver of Dallas tucked between two other suburbs that I don't think a lot of people are familiar with. Last week, my stores were fine though I had friends telling me that their grocery stores were bare. Last night, however, I went to Walmart and there was no toilet paper, only a few rolls of paper towels left, no rice, and no water. I'm sure there were other things missing as well but I was there for coffee creamer and decided to just grab it and deal with the rest of my shopping at lunch the next day. But it was quite odd to see the shelves bare of basic necessities when I'm used to things like milk and bread being stripped from shelves during times building up to storms.

My company's CEO sent out a company-wide message today stating that employees can work from home through the end of the month. I think the main reason is really less to do with fear of the virus than it is with the fact that a lot of schools are shutting down (in fear of the virus) and so Company is trying to accommodate the working parents. Last I heard, there were still less than fifty confirmed cases in the states of Texas so I'm not in a Seattle, WA situation by any means. I'm not really sure why toilet paper is such a hot commodity right now but I think I'm well stocked. I also plan on going into the office my usual three days a week if only to use their toilet paper and hang on to my precious, precious treasure. It's all very interesting because I don't feel any sense of panic but, at the same time, I did take out $100 cash at Walmart last night and put it in an envelope under my bed just in case. In case of what, I don't know, but the panic seeps in where it can I guess.

This sounds like a terrible sickness and it has killed thousands. However, so does flu every year and I've never been afraid of that. I am not equating the two and this is obviously an incredibly serious problem, but I guess because I am a privileged person in a privileged world I just can't wrap my head around the idea of panicking about it. I am not making crass or insensitive jokes about it or dismissing it, and not just because I have a close relative who lives in China. After all, he is impacted by it but, thus far, no one in his family has gotten the virus itself. I just don't understand why people clearing out grocery stores as if they'll never have access to rice or toilet paper again. And, quite frankly, I don't get why people are stocking up on bottled water, which I think is a scam in and of itself (unless you live in places like Flint, MI where it is necessary). As I walked to my car after getting my creamer last night, I thought to myself "bet da club will be empty this weekend" because clearly everyone is planning on staying home, right? Events are being canceled after all. But, like, are you planning on doing a lot of pooping whilst staying home? Is that the need for the water to hydrate and the tp to wipe?

If you live in the US, you've seen this administration's response to the pandemic, regardless of which side of the aisle you align with. I'm not going to go into that because this is not a political blog but I think everyone realizes that the admin ignored and dismissed this pandemic until their hand was forced. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next weeks and months, not from a place of laying blame but of seeing if the delay in reaction affects the quality of treatment and preparedness. It is still the first quarter of 2020 so I think there is a lot of room for things to occur that will define this year. I certainly hope so. Who wants to just see 2020 as the year people learned how to wash their hands properly?

With that, I will leave you with this You Tube video that was just a perfect ending to my day yesterday. I spent M, W, and R in all-day sessions at work and I spoke with two gentlemen about World of Warcraft as it came up when we had to introduce ourselves. So WoW and COVID19 were topics of the week and then, on my way home from Walmart last night, NPR was talking about the story I've linked to. Happy weekend everyone! 

The In-Between Phase - Boyfriend to FWB to ...

Yesterday was International Women's Day and I celebrated. Hard.

No I didn't. I slept until 11 (thanks DST) and went to Spanish Andy's in the afternoon to play WoW Classic for way more hours than is healthy. We are still broken up but, as I have told my friends, a girl gets bored and/or lonely and he helps my WoW game. I don't think he believes we are really over and I can't blame him because I've done this to him before but I know we are. He and I make excellent friends with benefits, but that's the extent of any "relationship" we'll ever successfully have and I've finally realized and accepted that. His not being ready to live with me or further commit to an actual lifetime relationship was never going to change because I'm never going to change and be what he truly wants and is comfortable blending his life with. I don't know that he'll ever live with a woman again because his life is set up how he wants it and there isn't room for another entire life to coexist with it on a daily basis. Even if he were to make room in his home for someone, that's all it would be and it would be glaringly obvious that any space he made available for a woman would be just that - space made available. And it would be overwhelmingly surrounded by his stuff and his life and would never be their space or their life.

But what do I know? Maybe he'll meet someone who is fine with that, someone who can feel comfortable and treat his house like her own as he wanted me to do (which, how? I can't just unilaterally decide to move your shit somewhere so I can have room or rearrange your kitchen when I never cook at your place and I spend maybe three days a week there and not even full days but just after work.) And he has been getting a few things done in his house so it isn't quite as big a disaster, though it is still a disaster. I was pleased and told him so and encouraged him to keep going with it because it will be much nicer for the next woman. And I truly meant it. I do want him to make it nice because his house is incredibly off putting and I honestly don't know how I wasn't completely put off him when I first saw it. I mean, I didn't immediately turn and leave out of politeness but I should have seen the signs and given up immediately. Hindsight and all that.

SA seems OK with the arrangements, such as they are, for now. We chatted the other day about dating websites and the silliness of paying for them when there is no guarantee of a return on investment. It came up because I mentioned that I'd started to sign up for a site and then stopped when I realized I was doing it out of boredom more than anything else. The idea of going on a date seemed fun. It would have been nice to get dressed up and go out on Saturday night, meet a man for a drink and maybe dinner. And it would be nice to then go home and never see that man again. I stopped because I don't like casual dating and I don't have the energy to either try to find a relationship or actually be in a proper relationship right now. I put a lot of work into them and I just don't feel like it at the moment. So I'm not going to waste anyone's time by signing up for some site that promises to find my soulmate for me. And like I said, SA seems OK with the ways things are and most likely will always be OK with it so long as his needs are being met. I'll tell him when I start to date again and the moment things start to seem serious with New Guy, I'll let SA know and we'll just naturally stop seeing one another all together.

I'm guessing we won't remain friends at that point. I asked him the other day if he would still be friends with me if I stopped sleeping with him and he said he didn't know. It isn't impossible as he is friends with other exes but he can't tell me 'yes' or 'no' when we are speaking in the abstract. At first it was a bit of a blow and my mind immediately went to "oh, so I'm not interesting or fun enough to be friends with if there is no sex? That is all that I have to offer?" But then the rest of my brain cells woke up and I realized that of course he doesn't know. We were not friends to begin with and so part of our dynamic includes - and feels like would always include - a certain amount of affection and intimacy. It isn't like my relationship with The Russian. There has never been romantic interest on either side so we can hang out and just be friends without any history of something more. And honestly, would we want to remain friends? It isn't like we have a great deal in common or that we've been in one another's lives so long that we have any real connection or bond. I don't think we'd be of any great loss to one another.

And that's kind of sad but mostly, it's perfectly fine. I've had significant relationships with other men that didn't work out and I don't keep in touch with the last one. I have some fond memories of him and my time with him but I don't feel any sense of loss or ache about it and it makes more sense for us to not be in each others' lives. The important part is the lack of loss and ache and so I'm glad that, from a cerebral standpoint, I'm already there. The emotional part will come when I'm ready to let go and there is no hurry.

At least I didn't post this on International Women's Day. Can you imagine if I were some big shot influencer with a massive following and my post on IWD was all about a boy? 😂😂😂😂😂

Dumb Luck

I finally bought a foot massager and I've been using it almost constantly since it arrived last night. My feet hurt all the time and I fantasize about good foot rubs. Ex-husband asked me why my feet hurt and I was surprised at the question because I just assume everyone of my age has sore feet. It isn't like I stand all day to do my job or anything. I always think it has to do with my shoes, specifically flats, but they hurt on weekends when I've not stood or walked for any great length of time at all. They just hurt, damn it.

I also ordered books on Power Point, SQL, Agile, and Business Analysis (specifically the BABOK guide). My new job seems to be a much more traditional Business Analyst role than I've worked in the last years and it has been ages since I've worked in Agile. In fact, I never trained or certified in Agile so I don't have great experience with it. I don't have training in business analysis either really, just fell into it. But with my last company, there was no clear methodology or rules following when it came to BA's. At my going away luncheon, one of my former colleagues actually said that he'd never worked anywhere as a BA in the capacity that he has at company x. So I need all the training that I can get and whilst there is plenty available through the new company, I am and have always been a person who learns through books. I learned how to run via a book ffs. So it is just a matter of my making a study plan for myself.

In other news, non work-related, I tried something the other day. There is a massage parlor down the street from my apartment complex that is a very hole-in-the-wall place. It is part of a strip mallish type area with a donut shop and gas station and there is literally a sign that just says "Massage" over the door. It seems very seedy and suspect but I decided, on a whim, to try it. I am incredibly glad that I did because it was inexpensive but a fantastic massage indeed. In fact, I went back the next day for another one. It seems to last forever and it always feels wonderful to have someone massage your muscles, even if you don't have knots or any real need for the service. And this place provides hot towels at the end to do a sort of half-assed attempt to wash off the oil used. I don't care that I come away smelling like the oil because it is a subtle and soothing scent and it just helps me carry away the effects for a bit longer.

So much chat about massages in this post! I actually texted my friend, Hufflepuff, about the foot massager and she responded back very enthusiastically because she LOVES foot massages, her mother having given them since she was an infant, and she mentioned that here is a foot spa near her that she has been thinking about trying. Well, don't you know it but there is a foot spa about two miles from me that I pass on my way home that I keep thinking about trying. Says a lot about the type of person I am and my circumstances that I can and am willing to spend money on these things. I never thought I'd be in this sort of position before and it has honestly happened through sheer dumb luck. I hate when people say that they pulled themselves up by their boot straps and if they can do it so can anyone. That is a load of BS and those people don't take into consideration what they were born into when it comes to skin color or good parents (I don't mean wealthy parents, just ones who are caring and nurturing and supportive) or any lucky breaks they've had. Especially older generations who don't understand that things have changed. It's like those assholes who bitch about immigrants whilst saying thing like "my parents immigrated here in the 1900's but they did so through the appropriate channels" as though a) those channels haven't changed and b) it is different depending on what country you are coming from. STFU already, grandpa.

I've always been an incredibly lucky person and I've always recognized that. Even with the bad stuff I've gotten lucky. Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis? Yeah, that sucks, but hey, it could have been ALS or something even worse. Suffer from some mental illnesses? That's crummy but dear lord it isn't schizophrenia which would have made life so much trickier. Marriage didn't work out? Nuts. But hey, it wasn't that he abused me or anything and we are still great friends.

So, you see, I am the luckiest woman on the planet.