Everybody was Iso-lating!

That company-wide memo stating that everyone can work from home was replaced by a new memo strongly encouraging everyone to work from home. At least one office is closed thus far and I'm pretty sure all travel has been canceled at this point. That is at my company and evidently the same is going for my former company. Bars and restaurants have been directed to shut down dining in and can only operate deliveries and curbside pickup services.

The term 'self-isolation' is having its fifteen minutes. From what I've seen on Instagram, the news, and memes friends send, it is a mix between people already going completely crazy from being forced to stay home all weekend and others shrugging because it isn't a big deal. I'm in the latter category. I like going out to dinner or for happy hour or bookstores and the like, but I'm much more of a homebody so I don't go out frequently at all. And considering my most recent relationship was with someone who dislikes going out almost entirely, I've not done it a great deal in the last few years. Not being able to go into the office is a bit difficult but right now, for me, that is because I don't really have anything to do and I feel guilty.

I'm also scared now that I'm going to be let go because I've only been with the company a month. I work in the healthcare industry so it isn't that we are losing money because of COVID-19, at least, I don't think our revenue is impacted, but it's just a fear. Maybe if I'd hit my 90 days I'd be less anxious but, alas, today is literally my first month mark. I have a one-on-one with my boss in about 20 minutes so I'm hoping she will be able to provide me some reassurance as well as direct me to some things I can do.

Like everyone else, I just want this to be over. It's heartbreaking to read about businesses effectively shutting down and people being out of work/losing their jobs because of this. The house or senate is talking about passing a stimulus measure but I'm not sure where people would spend that money to truly boost the economy. Grocery deliveries and Amazon? Certainly not on airfare to help out that industry which is now asking for a government bailout. Maybe instead of a stimulus package they could pass a "job protection" plan to give companies money to cover the costs of employees being forced to work from home or be out of jobs/on furlough.

And even when schools are staying open so that children can have their breakfast and/or lunch since those programs are the only meals some kids get, are there things in place to transport those children back and forth? It's like when people say that we don't need to pump money into schools and kids can go to whichever one they want if they want to go to a better one; how does the kid get there? Bus service isn't always available, especially if the "better school" is 45 minutes away and public transportation in this country is a joke. Not all families can afford to have cars so parents can't necessarily do it. So again, are there measures in place to ensure these children will get to eat? (Off topic but there is a term or word that I want to use in place of "something" but I cannot think of it and it is driving me bonkers. UPDATE: Measures! The word was measures).

It's just incredibly sad and scary. I'm still not feeling an overall, lingering sense of panic that will lead me to stock up on meat, toilet paper, or guns, but I do have fear and anxiety about what the outcome of all of this will be. People are now suggesting that the self-isolation/working from home/school closures will be in place for at least eight weeks instead of the two that have gone into effect. I'm sincerely - and selfishly - hoping that the eight week time frame is to do with keeping schools closed and classes online than it is about an impending nationwide quarantine. Being childless, that would mean I could return to the office in April. But no one knows and it is difficult to trust any information when there are so many conflicting stories.

I guess we shall see, as they say. My meeting with my boss begins momentarily. Fingers crossed it is good news. 

COVID Operations

We will begin with levity because this is all just a self-serving opportunity for me to demonstrate how clever I was at the beginning of the week.

Spanish Andy: I'm working from home today. A colleague who just got back from Italy decided not to self-quarantine even though that is company policy.

Me: It would be ironic if patient zero for DFW came from your office since you work at McAfee, a company known for it's anti-virus solutions.

Deep bow

It is really rare that I'm that clever in the moment so I've been dining out on that a LOT this week.

I'm not going to get super heavy or anything. I live in Dallas, Texas; not even Dallas proper but a northern suburb area that is a little sliver of Dallas tucked between two other suburbs that I don't think a lot of people are familiar with. Last week, my stores were fine though I had friends telling me that their grocery stores were bare. Last night, however, I went to Walmart and there was no toilet paper, only a few rolls of paper towels left, no rice, and no water. I'm sure there were other things missing as well but I was there for coffee creamer and decided to just grab it and deal with the rest of my shopping at lunch the next day. But it was quite odd to see the shelves bare of basic necessities when I'm used to things like milk and bread being stripped from shelves during times building up to storms.

My company's CEO sent out a company-wide message today stating that employees can work from home through the end of the month. I think the main reason is really less to do with fear of the virus than it is with the fact that a lot of schools are shutting down (in fear of the virus) and so Company is trying to accommodate the working parents. Last I heard, there were still less than fifty confirmed cases in the states of Texas so I'm not in a Seattle, WA situation by any means. I'm not really sure why toilet paper is such a hot commodity right now but I think I'm well stocked. I also plan on going into the office my usual three days a week if only to use their toilet paper and hang on to my precious, precious treasure. It's all very interesting because I don't feel any sense of panic but, at the same time, I did take out $100 cash at Walmart last night and put it in an envelope under my bed just in case. In case of what, I don't know, but the panic seeps in where it can I guess.

This sounds like a terrible sickness and it has killed thousands. However, so does flu every year and I've never been afraid of that. I am not equating the two and this is obviously an incredibly serious problem, but I guess because I am a privileged person in a privileged world I just can't wrap my head around the idea of panicking about it. I am not making crass or insensitive jokes about it or dismissing it, and not just because I have a close relative who lives in China. After all, he is impacted by it but, thus far, no one in his family has gotten the virus itself. I just don't understand why people clearing out grocery stores as if they'll never have access to rice or toilet paper again. And, quite frankly, I don't get why people are stocking up on bottled water, which I think is a scam in and of itself (unless you live in places like Flint, MI where it is necessary). As I walked to my car after getting my creamer last night, I thought to myself "bet da club will be empty this weekend" because clearly everyone is planning on staying home, right? Events are being canceled after all. But, like, are you planning on doing a lot of pooping whilst staying home? Is that the need for the water to hydrate and the tp to wipe?

If you live in the US, you've seen this administration's response to the pandemic, regardless of which side of the aisle you align with. I'm not going to go into that because this is not a political blog but I think everyone realizes that the admin ignored and dismissed this pandemic until their hand was forced. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next weeks and months, not from a place of laying blame but of seeing if the delay in reaction affects the quality of treatment and preparedness. It is still the first quarter of 2020 so I think there is a lot of room for things to occur that will define this year. I certainly hope so. Who wants to just see 2020 as the year people learned how to wash their hands properly?

With that, I will leave you with this You Tube video that was just a perfect ending to my day yesterday. I spent M, W, and R in all-day sessions at work and I spoke with two gentlemen about World of Warcraft as it came up when we had to introduce ourselves. So WoW and COVID19 were topics of the week and then, on my way home from Walmart last night, NPR was talking about the story I've linked to. Happy weekend everyone! 

The In-Between Phase - Boyfriend to FWB to ...

Yesterday was International Women's Day and I celebrated. Hard.

No I didn't. I slept until 11 (thanks DST) and went to Spanish Andy's in the afternoon to play WoW Classic for way more hours than is healthy. We are still broken up but, as I have told my friends, a girl gets bored and/or lonely and he helps my WoW game. I don't think he believes we are really over and I can't blame him because I've done this to him before but I know we are. He and I make excellent friends with benefits, but that's the extent of any "relationship" we'll ever successfully have and I've finally realized and accepted that. His not being ready to live with me or further commit to an actual lifetime relationship was never going to change because I'm never going to change and be what he truly wants and is comfortable blending his life with. I don't know that he'll ever live with a woman again because his life is set up how he wants it and there isn't room for another entire life to coexist with it on a daily basis. Even if he were to make room in his home for someone, that's all it would be and it would be glaringly obvious that any space he made available for a woman would be just that - space made available. And it would be overwhelmingly surrounded by his stuff and his life and would never be their space or their life.

But what do I know? Maybe he'll meet someone who is fine with that, someone who can feel comfortable and treat his house like her own as he wanted me to do (which, how? I can't just unilaterally decide to move your shit somewhere so I can have room or rearrange your kitchen when I never cook at your place and I spend maybe three days a week there and not even full days but just after work.) And he has been getting a few things done in his house so it isn't quite as big a disaster, though it is still a disaster. I was pleased and told him so and encouraged him to keep going with it because it will be much nicer for the next woman. And I truly meant it. I do want him to make it nice because his house is incredibly off putting and I honestly don't know how I wasn't completely put off him when I first saw it. I mean, I didn't immediately turn and leave out of politeness but I should have seen the signs and given up immediately. Hindsight and all that.

SA seems OK with the arrangements, such as they are, for now. We chatted the other day about dating websites and the silliness of paying for them when there is no guarantee of a return on investment. It came up because I mentioned that I'd started to sign up for a site and then stopped when I realized I was doing it out of boredom more than anything else. The idea of going on a date seemed fun. It would have been nice to get dressed up and go out on Saturday night, meet a man for a drink and maybe dinner. And it would be nice to then go home and never see that man again. I stopped because I don't like casual dating and I don't have the energy to either try to find a relationship or actually be in a proper relationship right now. I put a lot of work into them and I just don't feel like it at the moment. So I'm not going to waste anyone's time by signing up for some site that promises to find my soulmate for me. And like I said, SA seems OK with the ways things are and most likely will always be OK with it so long as his needs are being met. I'll tell him when I start to date again and the moment things start to seem serious with New Guy, I'll let SA know and we'll just naturally stop seeing one another all together.

I'm guessing we won't remain friends at that point. I asked him the other day if he would still be friends with me if I stopped sleeping with him and he said he didn't know. It isn't impossible as he is friends with other exes but he can't tell me 'yes' or 'no' when we are speaking in the abstract. At first it was a bit of a blow and my mind immediately went to "oh, so I'm not interesting or fun enough to be friends with if there is no sex? That is all that I have to offer?" But then the rest of my brain cells woke up and I realized that of course he doesn't know. We were not friends to begin with and so part of our dynamic includes - and feels like would always include - a certain amount of affection and intimacy. It isn't like my relationship with The Russian. There has never been romantic interest on either side so we can hang out and just be friends without any history of something more. And honestly, would we want to remain friends? It isn't like we have a great deal in common or that we've been in one another's lives so long that we have any real connection or bond. I don't think we'd be of any great loss to one another.

And that's kind of sad but mostly, it's perfectly fine. I've had significant relationships with other men that didn't work out and I don't keep in touch with the last one. I have some fond memories of him and my time with him but I don't feel any sense of loss or ache about it and it makes more sense for us to not be in each others' lives. The important part is the lack of loss and ache and so I'm glad that, from a cerebral standpoint, I'm already there. The emotional part will come when I'm ready to let go and there is no hurry.

At least I didn't post this on International Women's Day. Can you imagine if I were some big shot influencer with a massive following and my post on IWD was all about a boy? 😂😂😂😂😂

Dumb Luck

I finally bought a foot massager and I've been using it almost constantly since it arrived last night. My feet hurt all the time and I fantasize about good foot rubs. Ex-husband asked me why my feet hurt and I was surprised at the question because I just assume everyone of my age has sore feet. It isn't like I stand all day to do my job or anything. I always think it has to do with my shoes, specifically flats, but they hurt on weekends when I've not stood or walked for any great length of time at all. They just hurt, damn it.

I also ordered books on Power Point, SQL, Agile, and Business Analysis (specifically the BABOK guide). My new job seems to be a much more traditional Business Analyst role than I've worked in the last years and it has been ages since I've worked in Agile. In fact, I never trained or certified in Agile so I don't have great experience with it. I don't have training in business analysis either really, just fell into it. But with my last company, there was no clear methodology or rules following when it came to BA's. At my going away luncheon, one of my former colleagues actually said that he'd never worked anywhere as a BA in the capacity that he has at company x. So I need all the training that I can get and whilst there is plenty available through the new company, I am and have always been a person who learns through books. I learned how to run via a book ffs. So it is just a matter of my making a study plan for myself.

In other news, non work-related, I tried something the other day. There is a massage parlor down the street from my apartment complex that is a very hole-in-the-wall place. It is part of a strip mallish type area with a donut shop and gas station and there is literally a sign that just says "Massage" over the door. It seems very seedy and suspect but I decided, on a whim, to try it. I am incredibly glad that I did because it was inexpensive but a fantastic massage indeed. In fact, I went back the next day for another one. It seems to last forever and it always feels wonderful to have someone massage your muscles, even if you don't have knots or any real need for the service. And this place provides hot towels at the end to do a sort of half-assed attempt to wash off the oil used. I don't care that I come away smelling like the oil because it is a subtle and soothing scent and it just helps me carry away the effects for a bit longer.

So much chat about massages in this post! I actually texted my friend, Hufflepuff, about the foot massager and she responded back very enthusiastically because she LOVES foot massages, her mother having given them since she was an infant, and she mentioned that here is a foot spa near her that she has been thinking about trying. Well, don't you know it but there is a foot spa about two miles from me that I pass on my way home that I keep thinking about trying. Says a lot about the type of person I am and my circumstances that I can and am willing to spend money on these things. I never thought I'd be in this sort of position before and it has honestly happened through sheer dumb luck. I hate when people say that they pulled themselves up by their boot straps and if they can do it so can anyone. That is a load of BS and those people don't take into consideration what they were born into when it comes to skin color or good parents (I don't mean wealthy parents, just ones who are caring and nurturing and supportive) or any lucky breaks they've had. Especially older generations who don't understand that things have changed. It's like those assholes who bitch about immigrants whilst saying thing like "my parents immigrated here in the 1900's but they did so through the appropriate channels" as though a) those channels haven't changed and b) it is different depending on what country you are coming from. STFU already, grandpa.

I've always been an incredibly lucky person and I've always recognized that. Even with the bad stuff I've gotten lucky. Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis? Yeah, that sucks, but hey, it could have been ALS or something even worse. Suffer from some mental illnesses? That's crummy but dear lord it isn't schizophrenia which would have made life so much trickier. Marriage didn't work out? Nuts. But hey, it wasn't that he abused me or anything and we are still great friends.

So, you see, I am the luckiest woman on the planet.

Bring the New

I think I should know way more about how to use Power Point than I do just because it is a Microsoft Office product and I worked in administrative roles for so long. But I don't like Power Point just like I don't like the charting features of Excel and Word. No pie chart or power point slide has ever provided a significant benefit for me in any meeting I've ever been in. Do people really sit there, listening to the information given by a speaker and then, upon seeing a scatter chart or whatever, think "oh, wow, I get it now"? It has always struck me as a tool to use for when you have to present to lazy old rich dudes who make the decisions so that they have to do a minimal amount of thinking in order to be persuaded to agree to a project or grant or what have you.

I am wrong in this, obviously. If I weren't these things would not be used so pervasively. And, if anything, I'm clearly the lazy one because I don't want to create graphs, charts, or Power Point presentations to go along with my data or reporting. I mention all of this because Power Point is something that is used a lot in my new job so I ordered one of those "Dummy's Guide To" books about it. I also ordered a book about Agile methodology because that is what my new company follows. I'm actually a fan of Agile, even though I do not understand it fully and have not worked in it for years so I'm looking forward to studying that. The history of it is pretty cool, if you are interested (just to be clear, I'm a business analyst who works for a company that develops software solutions for our clients, not a developer or engineer of any kind. I say that for those who might actually click that link and see that Agile is a method for software development and might get the wrong idea).

I started the new gig this past Monday and I'm really jazzed about it. The building is gorgeous and has all kinds of awesome things in it like a faux Starbucks, a deli, free fountain drinks, and a gym. And if you don't want to eat at the deli, two restaurants come every day (I think they are rotating) or you can walk to a couple of places near the office. It's also just really well-maintained and CLEAN. That shouldn't be a selling point but my previous office was filthy. Cockroaches climbed out of the coffee machines and were occasionally seen strolling about. Dust and grime were everywhere and whilst the facilities department claimed that the carpets were fully cleaned once a year, they weren't. I don't think they were even vacuumed with any regularity. I swear, that company pays for the bare minimum in custodial care and the bathrooms were a horror show. So yeah, the new building being so clean is a huge plus. Oh! And there is a parking garage that I may one day be brave enough to use!

The people are grand, too. I told The Russian that everyone was so nice and welcoming that I mused for a moment that maybe I'd joined a cult. They are really enthusiastic and one of the most reassuring things is that so many of them have been with the company for years. I've learned about the project I've been assigned to and whilst I do not quite know what my specific role and duties will be, I'm looking forward to it and understand the scope overall.

So yay job!

I've also broken up with SA (finally), paving the way for better things in 2020. That sounds mean and I want to make it clear that he is a fine man with some great qualities. We are just completely incompatible because I want more than he is interested in offering. We make fantastic friends with benefits and if that's what I wanted, life would be great. But I want a partnership, a shared life, and someone who opens his arms wide to welcome me into his world. SA is just not that guy. I won't be dating any time soon I don't think. Maybe not ever. I don't know how to meet people other than through online sites and, as anyone can tell you, that is an absolute nightmare and I'm certain that if Dante Alighieri had lived in the 20th and 21st centuries, he'd definitely have incorporated it into his Divine Comedy. It isn't that I think all men are terrible or that I'm jaded, I'm just tired and lazy and have no interest in rooting around in that mess to try and find what I want. I'm also 39 so it's a lot harder (so it seems) to find a guy in his 40's who has no children and doesn't want them. Guys who show interest in me on rare occasions are all in their 20's and I just think "oh lord, please say I don't look like some desperate middle aged spinster who wants to pounce on the young".

Being single doesn't bother me and being alone has never been an issue really. I don't like having people over to my place because it's my place and I like my privacy. I have always been good at entertaining myself and possibly a little too OK with my own company. I will miss spending time with SA and the good things we had, as well as the sex and affection. But I've tried doing the casual thing with him and kept getting attached and wanting more so that won't work and if I'm going to be with someone, I want to at least have a chance at my happily ever after. So for now I'll just try to fill my time with things like cooking and cleaning and forcing myself to get out of my apartment from time to time.

I fell out of my routine regarding cooking and the positive attitude and productivity. It happened because I went to Arizona to visit my mother last weekend and I didn't keep up with my routines and stuff. I'm not going to go into things with my mother because I've decided I want to keep my family out of this but I will say that she's doing well and it is really, really, really lucky that Eldest Brother is out there. He is fantastic with her and great at taking care of her appointments and stuff. So we'll just leave it there.

I've started getting back into my routines and made myself shower and get dressed about an hour into my workday today (I'm working from home) as a jumpstart. I also make myself putter around and clean to try and spark that desire for productivity again and I think I'll be back to my giddy, enthusiastic, rah-rah self soon. I'm reminding myself that this is the perfect time for that attitude because I've started a new chapter. I've shed my old company where I was going nowhere and just stayed out of complacency and laziness and shed my old relationship which was basically the same. Time to be my best self and live my best life. In with the new.

A Perfectly Sunday Kind of Post

Oh dear, I seem to have run out of scheduled posts and have nothing to publish this week. Good thing I have this new job lined up because I am never going to hit it big with this blog. Is that even still a thing? Hasn't it all been transitioned over to Insta-fame? I will never be Insta-famous because I do not have anything gorgeous to post, do not travel, and am not into fashion. I have zero to Instagram about. Sigh. 

Do you know what I think is a scam? Dry shampoo. I know women who swear by it but for me, it really just seems like a waste of money because I can make my day old hair even more greasy by running my hands through it for free. It has been suggested that I am just not using the right brand, and I'm certain that could be true, but I am not going to spend money just so I can avoid washing my hair. Which seems weird considering how much I hate washing my hair. Well, it isn't the washing part so much as it is having wet hair. I just do not like that and drying it is a pain in the butt as well, especially now that my hair has changed. Yep, at some point, certain portions have decided they are going to be curly. The majority of my hair is straight but there are sections, mostly in the back, that are legit curly, and I find I play with those portions a lot because the kinkiness is so strange. But, because I don't know how to straighten them out (and am too lazy to really do so), I just look like I have curly hair and am terrible at straightening it so do a halfassed job. People have noticed and asked me if I'd slept in a braid the night before and then I have to explain that no, I'm just becoming a woman now and my body is changing. 

Possibly not-a-scam? Feliway Multicat plug-in diffuser. Bubbles continues her campaign of over-grooming and has massive bald patches on her back. The vet has been pretty worthless about this and I haven't had the $170 to pay for "senior" blood work in an effort to get her on anxiety medication, so I try, from time to time, over the counter remedies. I've tried diffusers before without really noticing a difference but I'm going to be hopeful about this one. I went to SA's around 2PM yesterday and got back to my place around 11AM this morning. No sign of Bubbles. Usually, she comes out to greet me and for pets and for me to feed her. But I've seen neither hide nor hair of her and there were no hairballs on my carpet and rugs. Sure, it's only been a day of the diffuser but still, it's nice that I've been home for an hour and she's just somewhere chilling. At least, I hope so. I also got this stuff you put on her paw that she will lick off and it is supposed to help chill her out. I did that yesterday so now a part of me thinks she may be dead under my bed. I'm going to give it a few hours before I check because a) I don't want to ruin this lovely peace of being left alone and b) I need to prepare myself if I'm going to find my cat dead under my bed 😑

But surely Teddy would let me know, right? He'd be meowing at me and leading me to her? He's sleeping on the back of the sofa so I'm assuming everything is OK and I'm just being my neurotic self. Sigh. I think I'll run to the store for something I've already forgotten that I need for my meal prep today. I'm doing/attempting baked falafels and quinoa-stuffed bell peppers. Neither seems too ambitious so hopefully it will all turn out well and delicious and keep for this week. And a short week it will be too! It is my last week at the company I've worked with for the majority of my adult life. My projects are all but transitioned so I'm in that "over it and don't care" phase, and really, it's just a matter of my taking some stuff home, returning some stuff, going out to lunch with my team, going to happy hour, and then, finally, turning in my access badge. My last day is Thursday so I should be out by 11 a.m. at the latest and I'll have an extra day and a half off. 

Then I will dive into the scary world of new job on the following Monday. 😵

Change for the Better All Up In Here

Oh man, YouTube, amirite? I've not been a big YouTube viewer, historically. I've used it mainly to look up how to do stuff and, more recently, talent competitions. Well, there was a period a few years ago where I would look up Belgian Beat Box competitions but we won't discuss that. Anyhowzits, a week or so ago, I came across Diane In Denmark and I've been hooked ever since. If you want to see someone truly living her best life, tune into that. She is a native of Scotland who has lived in Denmark for over 20 years with her husband and children. Her videos are short and they are all about home management, from cleaning to de-cluttering, to organizing, as well as some crafts, recipes, general Danish life, and some Q and A. I am simplifying it a bit but I can't do it justice; just trust me, she is amazing. Again, her videos are short and she is just this fireplug of positivity who is a cheerleader for her viewers and an inspiring and infectious source of enthusiasm.

And man, Denmark sounds amazing and I want that life. I even love the idea of the winter when the days are incredibly short so it is dark all the time.

Her channel is not monetized, she does not ask you to subscribe, and she does not ask you to "like" her videos. In return, she ever so gently reminds her viewers that we aren't friends in real life and she must maintain boundaries so put your comments under the videos because she doesn't check private messages and you cannot send her presents, as lovely as that is (she suggests you donate to charity or treat a friend to coffee instead.

Because Diane in Denmark is damned delightful.

But that wasn't what I came on here to talk about. I have news. After nearly 12 years of full-time employment with my company, I am leaving to take a new position elsewhere. I interviewed back in November and never heard back so figured "oh, interviewing is like dating now and you get ghosted. OK, cool. Whatever." My friend and former colleague came to me about this, I didn't go looking so it was a situation in which I couldn't lose. I like my job, I love my team, and I've just been happy where I am for the past three years or so. But my friend had come to me at the beginning of October about one position that I knew wasn't for me and then she came to me again towards the end of the month and I thought "OK, that's twice in one month. Let's listen to the universe and give it a chance."

So here I am. In three weeks (at the time of this writing) I will begin at a new company doing a mixture of what I do now and what I did five years ago. So, basically, I'm not at all sure what I'll be doing. But it is a very nice raise and, eventually, I will be working from home on Mondays and Fridays. There is also the potential for a real annual bonus, which is unheard of for plebs like me at my current employer. I really couldn't say "no" when it was offered so I accepted and, a week later, I told my boss. It is bittersweet but kind of exciting as it is a brand new chapter in my life. I am kind of excited and utterly terrified all at once. I am definitely going to miss seeing my work friends every day but New Company is only two miles down the road from Old Company so we'll still do our monthly happy hours and I've decided to force myself to go out a bit more so that I spend time with them.

That is a nice way to segue into how the above two topics have joined together to encourage me to make some changes in my life. I'm still working on quitting smoking (as of this writing, I'm on day 8 of smoke free) but I'm also making a few other changes. One of the things that I really take away from Diane in Denmark is the idea of wearing your nice things and not "saving for best." If you have nice things, why not wear them and get enjoyment? Don't wear ballgowns to the office or anything, dress appropriately, but if you have nice jewelry, why keep it in a box? Also, take the five to ten minutes to put together an outfit the day before so that you do accessorize and make a special effort. I've started to do that and I feel almost giddy with anticipation about my outfits and am just tickled to be wearing my jewelry, the nice stuff or, more often than not, the cheap stuff. I find that I like being put together and feeling pretty. So, as suggested, I put together a few outfits at the time so that I can have them all planned out. It's been so, so fun. Because, like DID says, what is the point of having things you like and enjoy if you don't actually enjoy them often?

The new job and the focusing on small things like my wardrobe - along with seeing that I've gained ten pounds in the last months that I haven't been able to shift - is what led me to start cooking as I mentioned in my last post. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't excited about this food. I still want burgers and pizza instead but more than that, I want a nice body that fits into my clothes properly (because pay raise or not, I'm not buying wardrobe to facilitate weight gain) and I really can't afford to fuck around with this anymore. So I'm trying to make myself eat things that are healthy, even if out of my comfort zone, and my goal is to be consistent. It isn't about a diet and I am not planning on cheat days or whatever. In my mind it is like what I did this evening: you can have the chocolate cookies but you have to eat that healthy junk first. Earlier in the month I started trying to get myself to eat at least one serving of fruit a day and I found that I was looking forward to or craving an apple, even though apples are a pain in the ass to eat (they are tasty but they just take forever and make me feel like, welp, this is what I'm doing for the next half hour).

This is encouraging and so I want to ride this wave and continue the good work. And I like cooking. I've had a blast this past weekend busy in my kitchen. I wouldn't want to do it every day but weekends and maybe something quick once a week is nice. It's also handy so that I have lunches prepared in advance, especially on nights when I go to SA's house because it means I can come home from the gym (because I typically see him on gym days), feed animals, grab my clothing for the next day, a bottle of wine, and anything else I want to take with (when it isn't something that will wrinkle, I often pack ahead), and grab a lunch out of my refrigerator so that I can avoid rush hour traffic and get to his place. And all of this in advance stuff means that I can either enjoy some time in the morning before I leave for the office or, sleep later before having to go to the office. A win all around. 😊

I just saw that there are emojis. Were they always there? Well, here is hoping that my happy mindedness continues into the rest of my week!

*I'm glad I previewed this post after I published my last one. I've been writing and scheduling my posts so things can be out of order if I write/publish in real time. And I need this to be clean and orderly and sharp if I'm to get internet famous, right? 

Garbage, Food, and Brains

Well I just fed the more industrious of the dumpster animals in my complex. My money is on the raccoons and that is fine with me because possums are fucking terrible and should be eradicated from the planet. Seriously. I love animals but those things are incredibly creepy and gross and I have a weird phobia about them (yes, I know they eat mosquitoes or whatever). Honestly, if I had to pick one, a room full of cockroaches or a room full of possums, I would choose the cockroaches. And I hate those things too, especially the big bitches we have out here in Texas. They are just these cocky sons of bitches who look like they should be wearing a top hat and twirling a cane as they casually walk across your carpet like they own the place. I once found a dead one in my bathroom and the noise I made was akin to the sound of a character dying in super old school Nintendo games.

I've been cooking lately and focusing on plant-based recipes. This isn't because I'm looking to transition to being vegetarian or vegan but because I am 39 years old and if I don't start eating vegetables and healthy foods, my body will probably start flat out rejecting nutrients and we can't have that. It's been nice and I've been reminded of how much I enjoy cooking (on the weekend, naturally; I don't want to spend hours in the kitchen on a Wednesday night) and I've had mostly success. Who knew I loved quinoa? Who knew that crispy quinoa cakes with tomato and chickpea relish would be delicious and that you could get so much mileage out of it? Also, quinoa has a lot of nutrients and health benefits so score! So do lentils, which I also cooked. They were OK but kind of dry because I overcooked them by being a dummy and not paying proper attention. I still ate the hell out of them though.

Sadly, however, it doesn't all turn out well. Today I attempted a butternut squash and kale casserole. Disaster. I'm not sure how to tell if butternut squash is ripe or whatever but I'm guessing maybe the one I got wasn't. Also, the recipe, which I failed to look at previously, was shit. I'm in the camp that doesn't need seven pages of pictures and personal backstory before getting to the nuts and bolts of a recipe but I do need the basics. I need to know how much of an ingredient I need and how it should be prepared (minced, diced, etc). This recipe was just a list of how much of each an ingredient you needed and then a list of what to do. How should I prepare the half butternut squash? How should I cut the potato? Do I keep the onion in large rings or am I dicing it? So I just guessed at it and cooked it and it was terrible so I put the baking dish in my freezer for ten minutes so that I could then dump it into a plastic carrier bag and take it out to the dumpster (I was sort of in a hurry because, after cleaning up, I had a full trash can to take out and I didn't want to leave it and didn't want to make two trips). I actually double bagged it for fear it would leak, hence the more industrious of dumpster animals.

It was as I was taking the trash out that I came up with most of this post, which is funny because it wasn't what I'd planned on writing about. My intention was to write about the following.

Middle brother messaged me on Tuesday evening saying "Hey." Well, I knew something was up because he doesn't do that. He proceeded to inform me that whilst on a little vacation, our mother was involved in an incident that saw her go to the hospital even though she was perfectly fine (venue insisted) and the results of a CT scan found that she had an aneurysm on her brain. They'd wanted to send her to a hospital for emergency surgery immediately but she was all "nah, I'm good. I'll go when I get back to Phoenix." Eldest brother was due to arrive on Wednesday and the surgery was scheduled for Thursday. I was all "thanks for letting me know. How bizarre." It was only as SA and I were on our way back to his place that it hit me.

My mother is having brain surgery in two days.

I know, right? How does one process that? This one kind of didn't. I held it together completely and felt very unemotional about it. I don't think I could really believe it and treat it as real because of the enormity of the situation. I didn't know what time the surgery was scheduled so decided, in my mind, that it was going to begin at 9 a.m. Arizona time and, upon googling, found that aneurysm repair typically takes 3-5 hours. So I expected to hear something around 5 or 6 p.m. my time and just went about my day, making plans with friends and doing some work. I didn't hear anything so eventually, around 6:30, I texted my mother's former neighbor to see if she'd heard anything. She hadn't and I told her that I was too scared to reach out to Middle brother. She pointed out that if something bad had happened someone would definitely have contacted me but Middle brother lives in China so the time zone thing is hard and I'd have to wait for him to have heard something because Eldest brother doesn't have my phone number and can we get into peoples' phones these days to get contact information? Who would want the task of using my dead hand to use the finger scan to unlock my phone?

I finally ladied up and messaged MB around 8:30 and he got back to me 45 minutes later saying that the surgery couldn't have gone any better, that mom would remain in the hospital for about a week, and that when he'd talked to EB, mom was still knocked out but that the doctor said if there were going to be any complications, they would have shown by then. Evidently part of me had been clenched and sucked in all day because all of me exhaled when I read that and it was then that I felt like weeping.

So yeah, that happened. One minute you are sitting on a stool enjoying a drink in Lake Tahoe and the next you are having brain surgery.

My Mother Thinks I'm Weird

My mother and I have a complicated relationship. I am not going to go into it because 1) it isn't complicated in an interesting way and 2) this is my blog which means you only get my sides of things and one of the lessons my mother taught me is that you don't tell tales on a person who is not here to defend themselves. But yeah, it is complicated and I stopped talking to her in June of 2018. I reached out to her tonight for two other reasons. 1) I had some job news that I am cautiously excited about and want to tell everyone and 2) one of the people I called about the job news is a former neighbor of my mother's and that neighbor mentioned that over Christmas, my mom visited but got lost on the way.

My mother is going to be 73 this year so when someone tells you "yeah, so she lived next door to me for ten years but got lost on her way over," you automatically think of senility in one of it's form. That is terrifying because senility is terrifying but also because we don't have that in my family on either side. So, you know, yay something else to worry about! But also, I love my mother even if things are weird and I'm not about to have her wandering around her neighborhood in a house coat not knowing where she is.

So I called her and we chatted and did the Simply Family thing of non-confrontation, anti-dealing with things and just picked up where we left off. I called her again later with a question which was, basically, "you have known me my entire life, why do people think I'm smart or good at things?" We chatted for about 10 minutes but then she had to go because she had guests. We hung up and I went back to my iPad to watch America's Got Talent, as per usual on a day off, but then I had a thought so I texted her. That text was "can I tell people my dad was a sociopath and that is where I get my charm from?"

I am 100% certain that my mother is happy that I'm talking to her again just so I can ask her random-ass bizarre questions that have nothing to do with anything and so she can think "you're so weird.".

Madness and Misery

I get thrown off every so often during NPR fundraising weeks. To be fair, I think I do a fair amount of just making assumptions and then being bewildered when they are wrong. Take Sunday for instance. On Sunday I put on the radio whilst doing a few chores and the programs that were playing were not what I expected for those times on that day. I actually had a moment of panic and checked my phone to make sure that it was, indeed, Sunday and that I hadn't overslept on a Monday. I'm not sure if there was a schedule change or if I've just always assumed X whilst Y was correct but it was rather disconcerting.

On Monday, however, it was all NPR and zero me. I was making my lunch when Sam Baker's voice came on to announce that it was four minutes after 10 and I literally stopped what I was doing and stood still for a minute. He then started saying how we were going to be moving to local news from international news and that's when it clicked. KERA reruns The Texas Standard at 8 o'clock in the evening having originally aired it at 10 a.m. Before it hit me, however, I really wondered if I were going mad because that was twice within two days when I felt I was completely off time-wise. It's like how on Thanksgiving when I was driving to SA's place I suddenly felt like the roads were utterly foreign to me even though I'd driven them countless times in the past. That happens every so often (rarely, fortunately) and is usually contained to my suddenly not recognizing the street he lives on and questioning myself about everything. It's like I go memory blind for a moment.

Never fun.

Speaking of things being no fun, poor Bubbles had a miserable time recently. I noticed on a Sunday that she was winking at me an awful lot and that her right eye looked funny. My vet didn't have any appointments available that day but I got her in at 9:30 the following morning. The doctor told me that it appeared she'd gotten a superficial cut on her eye and that it had healed and gotten infected so now she has a lot of conjunctivitis. That required a cone collar to prevent her from pawing at it and my having to give her drops twice a day. She is just so pitiful. Here is a photo of her in her least pitiful moment post collar.

There were moments that were far more heartbreaking after that though. Seeing her walk into things, having to back up and try again when the collar hit something. Finding her in my closet just sitting and facing the built in. Her sleeping right next to me all night the first night because she was so unhappy. Finding her after work, one of her legs stuck through the collar.

It's been awful and I just need it to be over. I don't like tormenting animals by holding them down so I can squeeze things into their eyes! I hate seeing them struggle to do things because they can't see or whisker feel around them! I also feel like a complete asshole because I had no idea she'd gotten a cut on her eye. I mean, I know that cats are pretty notorious for hiding discomfort but still, it is terrible learning that your pet has been in distress and you were blithely unaware of it.

Fortunately, the drops seem to help pretty quickly and I've been getting better at it. I have a call into the vet to ask about it spreading to the other eye because I think it might have done (and by the time this is published, it hopefully will be as I have a follow up appointment that Monday. Bless Blogger's scheduling function).

Poor Bubbles. She is going to get some lovely canned food tonight. 

Mundane Things I'm Bad At

Drying myself off after a shower. It's probably because I'm impatient about all things that have to do with showering. Baths? Great, can take an hour long one with a glass of wine and a good book. But showers? Don't know why but I hate them, especially when I have to wash my hair (I absolutely despise having wet hair unless I'm swimming). So, when I get out of the shower, I just want it to be over and done with so that I can put on my clothes and get back to doing whatever it was I was doing. One funny thing about this is that it annoys guys. It just really irks them that I don't make sure my back is properly dry before I hang my towel back up and start putting on my clothes.

Shaving my knees and underarms. I am positive this isn't some personal defect but something shared by many women. I once googled the knee thing for tips but I don't think it worked. And underarms? Are mine just especially concave or something? I will think I've done a stellar drive only to find a fur patch on the inner side. It is extremely irritating and makes me feel like I need to keep hacking away until I see blood.

Cracking an egg. I can, obviously, crack one, but not without getting some shell into the bowl. This infuriates me because I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong. I try hitting it softly against the side of the bowl, get shell. Try whacking it against the side of the bowl, get shell. How am I 39 years old and incapable of cleanly cracking an egg into a bowl ffs? I have searched ways to get the shells out of course, and try the "dip your finger in water first" trick but it is still a monumental pain in my ass. And considering I've taken to making potato omelettes recently, something that takes at least six eggs, it is just really, really frustrating.

Getting out of my car. This is partly genetic, apparently, as I do the same thing that my maternal grandmother did, which is to either put my foot against the door or straight kind of kick the door as I open it. I don't do this when a passenger because I am aware that people wouldn't especially like that but man, when I get out of my own car? Foot on that pocket at the bottom all the way. The other part is just some form of learned helplessness. Even though I've been doing it for years, I still find it a struggle when I exit my car with more than just my laptop bag and a lunch bag. Add one more thing and I'm an awkward pack mule who is too impatient to get out of the car and either reach in to gather everything or, you know, walk around to the other side and get the stuff out easily.

Culture

NPR
I have mentioned before that I listen to NPR somewhat regularly. I am pretty sure I just mention it in passing when explaining why I don't know modern music but I do fear I may have mentioned it a bit too often on this blog over the years and given the wrong impression. Here is the profile I have in my mind when I think "NPR listener": smart, sophisticated, erudite, socially responsible people who frequent the theater/opera, shop at Whole Foods bi-weekly, are nearly always well put together, including accessories, and give and/or attend dinner parties frequently.

I am not those things. I mean, OK, I'm a bit bright but it's mainly smoke and mirrors and I seem smarter than I actually am. I do use reusable shopping bags unless I am running low on plastic carrier bags (which I need for litter box duty) but I have only today started setting my bottles and cans aside because my apartment complex just installed two recycling dumpsters. I frequent janky Kroger and Wal-Mart that are nearby whilst my sophisticated entertainment takes the form of binge watching Acorn TV, reading, maybe playing a video game, drinking, and puttering around. I went to one party last year, the first get together that wasn't a happy hour that I've been to since 2017, and whilst I do dress appropriately and often look "cute" according to colleagues, I don't know how to accessorize and I pretty much just go out on the bet that no one is going to look at my feet because all my shoes are busted.

I listen to Morning Edition on my way to work unless it is fully saturated with politics. I sometimes listen to the second half of Fresh Air on my way home if I don't have an audio book. If I wake up early enough, I'll maybe tune into Weekend Edition and if I'm cleaning, I sometimes turn on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, Ask Me Another, and A Way With Words. But I'm not listening to, like, Think With Chris Boyd or Freakonomics or any of those really smart people programs. I'd love to be the "NPR listener" of my imagination but am, sadly, just a lazy, pitiful peasant.

Seen Any Good Movies Lately? 
When you don't own a lot of DVDs because you sold them at one point in order to get some cash to help pay off that ticket that you got or because you need money for some reason, it is fun to look at what your collection looks like as you slowly build it back. I was dusting one Friday evening, as one does when one is young and hip, and I cast a side smile at my DVD "library". It presently contains:

Murder, She Wrote - Seasons 1-7
Sherlock (BBC) - Seasons 1-4
5 Day Yoga - Unopened
Miss Marple (BBC Collection)
Murder on the Orient Express
Sherlock Holmes The Complete Series - Legends Series, Television Classics
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Amy Schumer, Mostly Sex Stuff - Birthday Gift from Rabbit a couple of years ago
Indiscreet
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Alice in Wonderland
Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Volumes 1 and 2
Harry Potter - Complete series
Circle of Friends
Observe and Report
Shaun of the Dead
Hot Fuzz
Star Wars - First 6 movies
Indiana Jones - Complete series

I don't know why but that list is just funny to me. The Monty Python I got in the divorce, as I did Shaun of the Dead. Rabbit got The Life of Brian and our original copy of Hot Fuzz. It is obvious from that list that I really, really enjoy Sherlock Holmes yet I don't have the two most recent Hollywood movies. I enjoyed the first and assume I enjoyed the second (I can't remember it) but I never thought to get it. Whatever, it amuses me for some reason but probably no one else. There was another work-out DVD but, surprisingly, I do have some pride and am kind of embarrassed to admit to it.

Apparently, 2020 me has some pride! Look at that! Let's see where that gets me. 

Great, Now I Hate Darth Vader

Does anyone know why they do anything anymore? I find myself starting a lot of my stories with "for whatever reason, I decided to..." and I really can't tell you why I did what I did. For instance, for some reason, I got it into my head that I wanted the Star Wars movies so I ordered the six that are available. On Christmas Eve, we were allowed to work from home and so I spent the day watching the prequels.

God those are bad, aren't they? People talk about them being terrible and I know I've seen parts of them before but, yeah, awful. Phantom Menace is so obviously a children's movie that I just can't take any of it seriously. I guess A New Hope was meant as a kids' movie as well? But, I mean, adults to this day can still enjoy it. PM is just god awful. Super obnoxious child protagonist? Check. Utterly over the top animal-type character who is so obnoxious that only a little kid could enjoy? Check. Just all of it screamed "we need to rope in a new generation of fans so let's Disney the fuck out of this."

The other two, whilst being less kiddie, are no better and I pretty much checked out of them for half the time (in all fairness to the movies, I did have them on whilst I was working). All I took away from the series was that Anakin Skywalker was a terrible Jedi. He was immature, selfish, and self-absorbed, not at all what you want in your Jedi, level of power notwithstanding. Qui-Gon should have left his selfish, smart-mouthed ass back on Tatooine and just told Yoda "I know that he is the 'chosen one', Master, but I think we need to go ahead and choose another one. If you're worried, I can kill the little bastard so that no one else gets him. It's not a problem; it'd be like when our blurrg had a litter and dad drowned the babies in the space-pond."

And the mommy issues on this kid! I don't know why, but the whole romance thing between Anakin and Padme was kind of creepy. They may only be five years apart and I am all for older women dating younger men but Anakin was so incredibly immature when they met that I actually thought he was about seven years old. I only know that they were five years apart because I googled. It just seems a bit predatory for Padme, a woman of incredible privilege, to get involved with Anakin, who was essentially taken from his mother in order to focus pretty much entirely on becoming a Jedi. And when they met, it wasn't under the best of circumstances so he was traumatized. You know, Padme, just because you're the hot teacher and your student is of age, it doesn't mean you take their flattery and run with it.

The actual mommy issue story point was completely wasted on me. This little kid begs his poor, busted-ass mom to let him go with this nice stranger so that he can be a Jedi. And you know damn well that they didn't keep in touch. He wasn't writing his dear old ma letters and visiting during the space-equivalent of summer vacation. So when he finally does get around to going to say 'sup to the old broad, he finds that she's dead and his entire life changes. Bullshit. I mean, yeah, be sad that she's died and everything. I'm not saying he should have found out and been all "bummer" but it's pretty clear that a lot of time has gone by and he wasn't bothered by his slave mom slaving away and shit while he was off playing laser swords. If he was upset when he found out and he was consumed with guilt and regret for having peaced out on her, I would have bought it. But that's not how that shit went down at all.

And let's be fair, he was a little shit before he found out she died. He was going to go to the dark side with or without her death, you could tell.

That's all Darth Vader was. A little bitch boy deep in his feelings who was happy serving some old dude with a face like a nut sac that sat in water for an hour. It is really, really hard to respect that. Before? Whatever, DV is the second in command of the main baddie and he is one hell of a foot soldier. Badass, powerful, and has a great outfit. And the prequels took that away from me and I don't really like him anymore. Thanks a lot adulthood and whoever is responsible for the travesty that is the prequels.