Yesterday was International Women's Day and I celebrated. Hard.
No I didn't. I slept until 11 (thanks DST) and went to Spanish Andy's in the afternoon to play WoW Classic for way more hours than is healthy. We are still broken up but, as I have told my friends, a girl gets bored and/or lonely and he helps my WoW game. I don't think he believes we are really over and I can't blame him because I've done this to him before but I know we are. He and I make excellent friends with benefits, but that's the extent of any "relationship" we'll ever successfully have and I've finally realized and accepted that. His not being ready to live with me or further commit to an actual lifetime relationship was never going to change because I'm never going to change and be what he truly wants and is comfortable blending his life with. I don't know that he'll ever live with a woman again because his life is set up how he wants it and there isn't room for another entire life to coexist with it on a daily basis. Even if he were to make room in his home for someone, that's all it would be and it would be glaringly obvious that any space he made available for a woman would be just that - space made available. And it would be overwhelmingly surrounded by his stuff and his life and would never be their space or their life.
But what do I know? Maybe he'll meet someone who is fine with that, someone who can feel comfortable and treat his house like her own as he wanted me to do (which, how? I can't just unilaterally decide to move your shit somewhere so I can have room or rearrange your kitchen when I never cook at your place and I spend maybe three days a week there and not even full days but just after work.) And he has been getting a few things done in his house so it isn't quite as big a disaster, though it is still a disaster. I was pleased and told him so and encouraged him to keep going with it because it will be much nicer for the next woman. And I truly meant it. I do want him to make it nice because his house is incredibly off putting and I honestly don't know how I wasn't completely put off him when I first saw it. I mean, I didn't immediately turn and leave out of politeness but I should have seen the signs and given up immediately. Hindsight and all that.
SA seems OK with the arrangements, such as they are, for now. We chatted the other day about dating websites and the silliness of paying for them when there is no guarantee of a return on investment. It came up because I mentioned that I'd started to sign up for a site and then stopped when I realized I was doing it out of boredom more than anything else. The idea of going on a date seemed fun. It would have been nice to get dressed up and go out on Saturday night, meet a man for a drink and maybe dinner. And it would be nice to then go home and never see that man again. I stopped because I don't like casual dating and I don't have the energy to either try to find a relationship or actually be in a proper relationship right now. I put a lot of work into them and I just don't feel like it at the moment. So I'm not going to waste anyone's time by signing up for some site that promises to find my soulmate for me. And like I said, SA seems OK with the ways things are and most likely will always be OK with it so long as his needs are being met. I'll tell him when I start to date again and the moment things start to seem serious with New Guy, I'll let SA know and we'll just naturally stop seeing one another all together.
I'm guessing we won't remain friends at that point. I asked him the other day if he would still be friends with me if I stopped sleeping with him and he said he didn't know. It isn't impossible as he is friends with other exes but he can't tell me 'yes' or 'no' when we are speaking in the abstract. At first it was a bit of a blow and my mind immediately went to "oh, so I'm not interesting or fun enough to be friends with if there is no sex? That is all that I have to offer?" But then the rest of my brain cells woke up and I realized that of course he doesn't know. We were not friends to begin with and so part of our dynamic includes - and feels like would always include - a certain amount of affection and intimacy. It isn't like my relationship with The Russian. There has never been romantic interest on either side so we can hang out and just be friends without any history of something more. And honestly, would we want to remain friends? It isn't like we have a great deal in common or that we've been in one another's lives so long that we have any real connection or bond. I don't think we'd be of any great loss to one another.
And that's kind of sad but mostly, it's perfectly fine. I've had significant relationships with other men that didn't work out and I don't keep in touch with the last one. I have some fond memories of him and my time with him but I don't feel any sense of loss or ache about it and it makes more sense for us to not be in each others' lives. The important part is the lack of loss and ache and so I'm glad that, from a cerebral standpoint, I'm already there. The emotional part will come when I'm ready to let go and there is no hurry.
At least I didn't post this on International Women's Day. Can you imagine if I were some big shot influencer with a massive following and my post on IWD was all about a boy? 😂😂😂😂😂
No I didn't. I slept until 11 (thanks DST) and went to Spanish Andy's in the afternoon to play WoW Classic for way more hours than is healthy. We are still broken up but, as I have told my friends, a girl gets bored and/or lonely and he helps my WoW game. I don't think he believes we are really over and I can't blame him because I've done this to him before but I know we are. He and I make excellent friends with benefits, but that's the extent of any "relationship" we'll ever successfully have and I've finally realized and accepted that. His not being ready to live with me or further commit to an actual lifetime relationship was never going to change because I'm never going to change and be what he truly wants and is comfortable blending his life with. I don't know that he'll ever live with a woman again because his life is set up how he wants it and there isn't room for another entire life to coexist with it on a daily basis. Even if he were to make room in his home for someone, that's all it would be and it would be glaringly obvious that any space he made available for a woman would be just that - space made available. And it would be overwhelmingly surrounded by his stuff and his life and would never be their space or their life.
But what do I know? Maybe he'll meet someone who is fine with that, someone who can feel comfortable and treat his house like her own as he wanted me to do (which, how? I can't just unilaterally decide to move your shit somewhere so I can have room or rearrange your kitchen when I never cook at your place and I spend maybe three days a week there and not even full days but just after work.) And he has been getting a few things done in his house so it isn't quite as big a disaster, though it is still a disaster. I was pleased and told him so and encouraged him to keep going with it because it will be much nicer for the next woman. And I truly meant it. I do want him to make it nice because his house is incredibly off putting and I honestly don't know how I wasn't completely put off him when I first saw it. I mean, I didn't immediately turn and leave out of politeness but I should have seen the signs and given up immediately. Hindsight and all that.
SA seems OK with the arrangements, such as they are, for now. We chatted the other day about dating websites and the silliness of paying for them when there is no guarantee of a return on investment. It came up because I mentioned that I'd started to sign up for a site and then stopped when I realized I was doing it out of boredom more than anything else. The idea of going on a date seemed fun. It would have been nice to get dressed up and go out on Saturday night, meet a man for a drink and maybe dinner. And it would be nice to then go home and never see that man again. I stopped because I don't like casual dating and I don't have the energy to either try to find a relationship or actually be in a proper relationship right now. I put a lot of work into them and I just don't feel like it at the moment. So I'm not going to waste anyone's time by signing up for some site that promises to find my soulmate for me. And like I said, SA seems OK with the ways things are and most likely will always be OK with it so long as his needs are being met. I'll tell him when I start to date again and the moment things start to seem serious with New Guy, I'll let SA know and we'll just naturally stop seeing one another all together.
I'm guessing we won't remain friends at that point. I asked him the other day if he would still be friends with me if I stopped sleeping with him and he said he didn't know. It isn't impossible as he is friends with other exes but he can't tell me 'yes' or 'no' when we are speaking in the abstract. At first it was a bit of a blow and my mind immediately went to "oh, so I'm not interesting or fun enough to be friends with if there is no sex? That is all that I have to offer?" But then the rest of my brain cells woke up and I realized that of course he doesn't know. We were not friends to begin with and so part of our dynamic includes - and feels like would always include - a certain amount of affection and intimacy. It isn't like my relationship with The Russian. There has never been romantic interest on either side so we can hang out and just be friends without any history of something more. And honestly, would we want to remain friends? It isn't like we have a great deal in common or that we've been in one another's lives so long that we have any real connection or bond. I don't think we'd be of any great loss to one another.
And that's kind of sad but mostly, it's perfectly fine. I've had significant relationships with other men that didn't work out and I don't keep in touch with the last one. I have some fond memories of him and my time with him but I don't feel any sense of loss or ache about it and it makes more sense for us to not be in each others' lives. The important part is the lack of loss and ache and so I'm glad that, from a cerebral standpoint, I'm already there. The emotional part will come when I'm ready to let go and there is no hurry.
At least I didn't post this on International Women's Day. Can you imagine if I were some big shot influencer with a massive following and my post on IWD was all about a boy? 😂😂😂😂😂
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