My Mother Thinks I'm Weird

My mother and I have a complicated relationship. I am not going to go into it because 1) it isn't complicated in an interesting way and 2) this is my blog which means you only get my sides of things and one of the lessons my mother taught me is that you don't tell tales on a person who is not here to defend themselves. But yeah, it is complicated and I stopped talking to her in June of 2018. I reached out to her tonight for two other reasons. 1) I had some job news that I am cautiously excited about and want to tell everyone and 2) one of the people I called about the job news is a former neighbor of my mother's and that neighbor mentioned that over Christmas, my mom visited but got lost on the way.

My mother is going to be 73 this year so when someone tells you "yeah, so she lived next door to me for ten years but got lost on her way over," you automatically think of senility in one of it's form. That is terrifying because senility is terrifying but also because we don't have that in my family on either side. So, you know, yay something else to worry about! But also, I love my mother even if things are weird and I'm not about to have her wandering around her neighborhood in a house coat not knowing where she is.

So I called her and we chatted and did the Simply Family thing of non-confrontation, anti-dealing with things and just picked up where we left off. I called her again later with a question which was, basically, "you have known me my entire life, why do people think I'm smart or good at things?" We chatted for about 10 minutes but then she had to go because she had guests. We hung up and I went back to my iPad to watch America's Got Talent, as per usual on a day off, but then I had a thought so I texted her. That text was "can I tell people my dad was a sociopath and that is where I get my charm from?"

I am 100% certain that my mother is happy that I'm talking to her again just so I can ask her random-ass bizarre questions that have nothing to do with anything and so she can think "you're so weird.".

Madness and Misery

I get thrown off every so often during NPR fundraising weeks. To be fair, I think I do a fair amount of just making assumptions and then being bewildered when they are wrong. Take Sunday for instance. On Sunday I put on the radio whilst doing a few chores and the programs that were playing were not what I expected for those times on that day. I actually had a moment of panic and checked my phone to make sure that it was, indeed, Sunday and that I hadn't overslept on a Monday. I'm not sure if there was a schedule change or if I've just always assumed X whilst Y was correct but it was rather disconcerting.

On Monday, however, it was all NPR and zero me. I was making my lunch when Sam Baker's voice came on to announce that it was four minutes after 10 and I literally stopped what I was doing and stood still for a minute. He then started saying how we were going to be moving to local news from international news and that's when it clicked. KERA reruns The Texas Standard at 8 o'clock in the evening having originally aired it at 10 a.m. Before it hit me, however, I really wondered if I were going mad because that was twice within two days when I felt I was completely off time-wise. It's like how on Thanksgiving when I was driving to SA's place I suddenly felt like the roads were utterly foreign to me even though I'd driven them countless times in the past. That happens every so often (rarely, fortunately) and is usually contained to my suddenly not recognizing the street he lives on and questioning myself about everything. It's like I go memory blind for a moment.

Never fun.

Speaking of things being no fun, poor Bubbles had a miserable time recently. I noticed on a Sunday that she was winking at me an awful lot and that her right eye looked funny. My vet didn't have any appointments available that day but I got her in at 9:30 the following morning. The doctor told me that it appeared she'd gotten a superficial cut on her eye and that it had healed and gotten infected so now she has a lot of conjunctivitis. That required a cone collar to prevent her from pawing at it and my having to give her drops twice a day. She is just so pitiful. Here is a photo of her in her least pitiful moment post collar.

There were moments that were far more heartbreaking after that though. Seeing her walk into things, having to back up and try again when the collar hit something. Finding her in my closet just sitting and facing the built in. Her sleeping right next to me all night the first night because she was so unhappy. Finding her after work, one of her legs stuck through the collar.

It's been awful and I just need it to be over. I don't like tormenting animals by holding them down so I can squeeze things into their eyes! I hate seeing them struggle to do things because they can't see or whisker feel around them! I also feel like a complete asshole because I had no idea she'd gotten a cut on her eye. I mean, I know that cats are pretty notorious for hiding discomfort but still, it is terrible learning that your pet has been in distress and you were blithely unaware of it.

Fortunately, the drops seem to help pretty quickly and I've been getting better at it. I have a call into the vet to ask about it spreading to the other eye because I think it might have done (and by the time this is published, it hopefully will be as I have a follow up appointment that Monday. Bless Blogger's scheduling function).

Poor Bubbles. She is going to get some lovely canned food tonight. 

Mundane Things I'm Bad At

Drying myself off after a shower. It's probably because I'm impatient about all things that have to do with showering. Baths? Great, can take an hour long one with a glass of wine and a good book. But showers? Don't know why but I hate them, especially when I have to wash my hair (I absolutely despise having wet hair unless I'm swimming). So, when I get out of the shower, I just want it to be over and done with so that I can put on my clothes and get back to doing whatever it was I was doing. One funny thing about this is that it annoys guys. It just really irks them that I don't make sure my back is properly dry before I hang my towel back up and start putting on my clothes.

Shaving my knees and underarms. I am positive this isn't some personal defect but something shared by many women. I once googled the knee thing for tips but I don't think it worked. And underarms? Are mine just especially concave or something? I will think I've done a stellar drive only to find a fur patch on the inner side. It is extremely irritating and makes me feel like I need to keep hacking away until I see blood.

Cracking an egg. I can, obviously, crack one, but not without getting some shell into the bowl. This infuriates me because I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong. I try hitting it softly against the side of the bowl, get shell. Try whacking it against the side of the bowl, get shell. How am I 39 years old and incapable of cleanly cracking an egg into a bowl ffs? I have searched ways to get the shells out of course, and try the "dip your finger in water first" trick but it is still a monumental pain in my ass. And considering I've taken to making potato omelettes recently, something that takes at least six eggs, it is just really, really frustrating.

Getting out of my car. This is partly genetic, apparently, as I do the same thing that my maternal grandmother did, which is to either put my foot against the door or straight kind of kick the door as I open it. I don't do this when a passenger because I am aware that people wouldn't especially like that but man, when I get out of my own car? Foot on that pocket at the bottom all the way. The other part is just some form of learned helplessness. Even though I've been doing it for years, I still find it a struggle when I exit my car with more than just my laptop bag and a lunch bag. Add one more thing and I'm an awkward pack mule who is too impatient to get out of the car and either reach in to gather everything or, you know, walk around to the other side and get the stuff out easily.

Culture

NPR
I have mentioned before that I listen to NPR somewhat regularly. I am pretty sure I just mention it in passing when explaining why I don't know modern music but I do fear I may have mentioned it a bit too often on this blog over the years and given the wrong impression. Here is the profile I have in my mind when I think "NPR listener": smart, sophisticated, erudite, socially responsible people who frequent the theater/opera, shop at Whole Foods bi-weekly, are nearly always well put together, including accessories, and give and/or attend dinner parties frequently.

I am not those things. I mean, OK, I'm a bit bright but it's mainly smoke and mirrors and I seem smarter than I actually am. I do use reusable shopping bags unless I am running low on plastic carrier bags (which I need for litter box duty) but I have only today started setting my bottles and cans aside because my apartment complex just installed two recycling dumpsters. I frequent janky Kroger and Wal-Mart that are nearby whilst my sophisticated entertainment takes the form of binge watching Acorn TV, reading, maybe playing a video game, drinking, and puttering around. I went to one party last year, the first get together that wasn't a happy hour that I've been to since 2017, and whilst I do dress appropriately and often look "cute" according to colleagues, I don't know how to accessorize and I pretty much just go out on the bet that no one is going to look at my feet because all my shoes are busted.

I listen to Morning Edition on my way to work unless it is fully saturated with politics. I sometimes listen to the second half of Fresh Air on my way home if I don't have an audio book. If I wake up early enough, I'll maybe tune into Weekend Edition and if I'm cleaning, I sometimes turn on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, Ask Me Another, and A Way With Words. But I'm not listening to, like, Think With Chris Boyd or Freakonomics or any of those really smart people programs. I'd love to be the "NPR listener" of my imagination but am, sadly, just a lazy, pitiful peasant.

Seen Any Good Movies Lately? 
When you don't own a lot of DVDs because you sold them at one point in order to get some cash to help pay off that ticket that you got or because you need money for some reason, it is fun to look at what your collection looks like as you slowly build it back. I was dusting one Friday evening, as one does when one is young and hip, and I cast a side smile at my DVD "library". It presently contains:

Murder, She Wrote - Seasons 1-7
Sherlock (BBC) - Seasons 1-4
5 Day Yoga - Unopened
Miss Marple (BBC Collection)
Murder on the Orient Express
Sherlock Holmes The Complete Series - Legends Series, Television Classics
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Amy Schumer, Mostly Sex Stuff - Birthday Gift from Rabbit a couple of years ago
Indiscreet
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Alice in Wonderland
Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Volumes 1 and 2
Harry Potter - Complete series
Circle of Friends
Observe and Report
Shaun of the Dead
Hot Fuzz
Star Wars - First 6 movies
Indiana Jones - Complete series

I don't know why but that list is just funny to me. The Monty Python I got in the divorce, as I did Shaun of the Dead. Rabbit got The Life of Brian and our original copy of Hot Fuzz. It is obvious from that list that I really, really enjoy Sherlock Holmes yet I don't have the two most recent Hollywood movies. I enjoyed the first and assume I enjoyed the second (I can't remember it) but I never thought to get it. Whatever, it amuses me for some reason but probably no one else. There was another work-out DVD but, surprisingly, I do have some pride and am kind of embarrassed to admit to it.

Apparently, 2020 me has some pride! Look at that! Let's see where that gets me. 

Great, Now I Hate Darth Vader

Does anyone know why they do anything anymore? I find myself starting a lot of my stories with "for whatever reason, I decided to..." and I really can't tell you why I did what I did. For instance, for some reason, I got it into my head that I wanted the Star Wars movies so I ordered the six that are available. On Christmas Eve, we were allowed to work from home and so I spent the day watching the prequels.

God those are bad, aren't they? People talk about them being terrible and I know I've seen parts of them before but, yeah, awful. Phantom Menace is so obviously a children's movie that I just can't take any of it seriously. I guess A New Hope was meant as a kids' movie as well? But, I mean, adults to this day can still enjoy it. PM is just god awful. Super obnoxious child protagonist? Check. Utterly over the top animal-type character who is so obnoxious that only a little kid could enjoy? Check. Just all of it screamed "we need to rope in a new generation of fans so let's Disney the fuck out of this."

The other two, whilst being less kiddie, are no better and I pretty much checked out of them for half the time (in all fairness to the movies, I did have them on whilst I was working). All I took away from the series was that Anakin Skywalker was a terrible Jedi. He was immature, selfish, and self-absorbed, not at all what you want in your Jedi, level of power notwithstanding. Qui-Gon should have left his selfish, smart-mouthed ass back on Tatooine and just told Yoda "I know that he is the 'chosen one', Master, but I think we need to go ahead and choose another one. If you're worried, I can kill the little bastard so that no one else gets him. It's not a problem; it'd be like when our blurrg had a litter and dad drowned the babies in the space-pond."

And the mommy issues on this kid! I don't know why, but the whole romance thing between Anakin and Padme was kind of creepy. They may only be five years apart and I am all for older women dating younger men but Anakin was so incredibly immature when they met that I actually thought he was about seven years old. I only know that they were five years apart because I googled. It just seems a bit predatory for Padme, a woman of incredible privilege, to get involved with Anakin, who was essentially taken from his mother in order to focus pretty much entirely on becoming a Jedi. And when they met, it wasn't under the best of circumstances so he was traumatized. You know, Padme, just because you're the hot teacher and your student is of age, it doesn't mean you take their flattery and run with it.

The actual mommy issue story point was completely wasted on me. This little kid begs his poor, busted-ass mom to let him go with this nice stranger so that he can be a Jedi. And you know damn well that they didn't keep in touch. He wasn't writing his dear old ma letters and visiting during the space-equivalent of summer vacation. So when he finally does get around to going to say 'sup to the old broad, he finds that she's dead and his entire life changes. Bullshit. I mean, yeah, be sad that she's died and everything. I'm not saying he should have found out and been all "bummer" but it's pretty clear that a lot of time has gone by and he wasn't bothered by his slave mom slaving away and shit while he was off playing laser swords. If he was upset when he found out and he was consumed with guilt and regret for having peaced out on her, I would have bought it. But that's not how that shit went down at all.

And let's be fair, he was a little shit before he found out she died. He was going to go to the dark side with or without her death, you could tell.

That's all Darth Vader was. A little bitch boy deep in his feelings who was happy serving some old dude with a face like a nut sac that sat in water for an hour. It is really, really hard to respect that. Before? Whatever, DV is the second in command of the main baddie and he is one hell of a foot soldier. Badass, powerful, and has a great outfit. And the prequels took that away from me and I don't really like him anymore. Thanks a lot adulthood and whoever is responsible for the travesty that is the prequels.