Difference

I found out this week that I make someone's day better. I have a friend at work, who I'll call Yesi, and she's great, a lot of fun. Last Friday, when there were very few "grown ups" about, we learned a lot about her life. She's sweet, nice, and interesting. She's from El Salvador and has been here for 20 years. It will take her 3 more to gain citizenship even though she's been paying taxes for years and is married to an American.

She's been going through some tough times with her daughter and earlier in the week she said:

"My sister in law asked me the other day, how I was doing, because she knows I've been very stressed. I told her, there is a lady at work and all I have to do is say one thing and she makes me laugh and laugh and I feel better."

That was sweet to hear and I was happy that I provided her with some relief.

Today, towards the end of the day, she looked at me for a minute and said "you know, when I first saw you, I thought you were stuck up." I told her I wasn't surprised because I get that a lot, people initially thinking I'm snobby. Later she said,

"I was sitting here thinking about how I've been stressing out and feeling bad. But my stress is mellowed and I feel better and it isn't so bad. You're so nice and friendly and funny and I thought 'I thought she was so stuck up when I first met her.'"

I make someone's day better. Sure, people think I'm stuck up and, because evidently it isn't commong for women to refer to female friends as "girlfriends", some colleagues also thought I was a lesbian at first, but I'll take it.

Continued Life in Texas

It is still hot as fuck here in Texas and there are some really horrible, gross, sickening, big black beetles that have become the things of my nightmares. That's all they are, by the way, according to the two people I've asked. They are just "beetles". And they are disgusting. There is a whole genocide of them along the walkway of the shopping center I frequent and I can't even look at them, let alone trod on their dead carcasses.The awnings in front of store entrances would be good shade providers but I cannot bring myself to do it because of the beetle bodies. I just don't have it in me. And jaysus! If I see an alive one? Let's just not talk about that shall we?

I'm still utterly conflicted about my job. I like the challenges presented but I don't like the whole "not being able to figure this shit out" part of the challenges. And I swear to fucking christ, if Hunter comes to me one more time to do shit that his own god damn business analyst should be doing, I'll flip. I actually already did flip. I emailed him and told him, among other things, "...if you are not providing training to your employees that shit is on you. Do NOT ask me to do the work of one of your direct fucking reports..." And I meant it. He thinks I'm completely stressed out and losing my shit all the time but I finally had to tell him that I'd be way less stressed if I didn't have to deal with his shit. He literally has two BAs that report to him and one of them has been here longer than I. I don't know what the fuck she's been doing all this time but it certainly hasn't been what I'm doing. And I'm not exactly flush with free time trying to do whatever it is that I do do.

Sometimes I feel like crying on my way home from work due to the tension and frustration. Other times I feel like I've figured something out or turned in a good product. I never feel safe or like I know what I'm doing though. But I'm too chicken shit to look for work outside the company. I say it's because I don't want to have a suspension of health benefits but really, I think I'm just a pussy.

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Things with Murdoch are ... weird and uncertain as ever. We rarely see one another and we barely speak beyond texts. We also got into an enormous fight the other day, during the work day. I like him, a lot, and I want things to work and am willing to do my part, but there is a lot of uncertainty. His life changed dramatically when he got custody of his younger children and moved. I respect that and appreciate the enormity of his responsibilities. My stress, whilst not on par with his necessarily, still exists and I miss having that boyfriend that I had in April. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased as punch that he got custody because it was the best thing for his children, but things have changed and I sometimes wonder if I'm dating the same person. And that is all I shall say on the subject because it's not one I feel comfortable talking about.

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I am getting used to Texas somewhat, though it's still a shock to me. I like the DMV. I don't like the traffic or the way people cut you off willy nilly (though I'm slowly getting used to that as well). I hate the weather (I think tomorrow is supposed to be 104) but the people are extremely nice and friendly. The thunderstorms are tremendous and they have different birds here than they did in Ohio. I have no clue what they are called, I just know I never noticed them in OH. I miss my friends but I like the people I work with. I joined a gym and even though I've been one time since I signed up two weeks ago, I feel more "at home" for having gotten the membership.

I'm losing weight. Not intentionally but because of stress, forgetting to eat because eventually I'm no longer hungry, and sheer laziness. 85% of my work wardrobe is now too big for me so, as Tits suggested, I'm going to buy one blouse and one skirt/pair of trousers each payday so that I can look decent at work again. I stocked up on cheap summer dresses for my free time (got tired of dressing like a boy) so I'm covered there, but sometimes I look at myself in the mirror at work and think "well someone played dress up in mommy's closet today!" I probably look better than I have in some time what with the weight loss and the tanning. I decided that if I'm in Texas and I can't avoid getting tan, I'm going to do it right. So I bought a two piece bathing suit and have taken to laying out by my community pool on the weekends (note: I cannot swim in my suit. I tried. My top came down). But I'm not taking great care of myself and that needs to change. Today, because Johan is out of veggies, I am forced to go to the grocery store so I'll actually eat something more than a yogurt or piece of cheese for dinner.

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And that's all I got. I'll leave you with a few funny (to me) quotes.

"You look like someone who would be into the Hunger Games." ~ said to me by a colleague. We weren't discussing the Hunger Games at all when she said that.

"What is a 'well-hung midget'?" ~ said by Murdoch's daughter after she read about what happens to some unicorns with deformed horns on the internet (Murdoch pretended confusion so I had to cover).

"I'm not mad or nothing..." ~ said by me to Murdoch before our fight. I find it funny because it was an auto correct on my phone and I don't speak like that and people at work think I'm super smart when it comes to grammar.

"Fuck our married, limp dick, paramours and the horses they rode in on." ~ said by me to Tits and I can't remember why.

Work and... well, that's kind of it

That's where I've been, for the most part, working. I go into the office at 7:30 and stay till 4:30 most days. Then I log in when I get home for my homework and/or to finish shit I couldn't get done during the day. Some nights I have to log back in at about 10:30 so that I can be part of a conference call. Those nights go until midnight at the earliest.

I don't even know what it is I do. Technically, I'm a business analyst but I thought I'd be doing technical writing with some technical doing. Instead, I do some technical writing, am being asked to learn a programming language, and am asked to investigate issues I have no clue about. Most days I want to quit and look for a true technical writing job. But then I feel like I can't just give up and that I have to give it more of a try and not just admit defeat without putting up a fight. And some days I grasp the situation and I feel competent. 

But most days, yeah, I cry on my way home from work. 

On the boyfriend front, well, I don't really know. Murdoch is a hard guy to read and considering that we communicate pretty much only in text messaging, I just don't know. I haven't heard much out of him since Sunday night when he made something of a snide comment and then ignored a question (the question: "does it bother you that I go out to bars on my own"... note that I had Monday and today off). I haven't heard from him and I stopped texting just because I don't need to talk to myself any more than I already do. I know his job is stressful and that he's still dealing with financial issues because of what The Cunt left him with and that his youngest son's birthday is this week and his daughter's is next week. So I am chalking it up to stress and just leaving him alone. But it is really annoying to not understand what is going on. 

I assume I'll figure that portion of my life out sooner rather than later. I've got slightly bigger fish to fry at the moment. 

I don't think Texas is agreeing with me physically. I keep doing stupid shit like not paying attention to the heat index. I took an hour long walk yesterday and didn't realize that "real feel" was 96 degrees. And it's so fucking bright out all the time. Today I think I almost passed out when I was doing my laundry just because I've been going into the sun too much. So that's ending. I'm going to miss walks though. I like taking really long walks and I was researching parks the other day. But I'll have to shelve those plans until Autumn. I don't think I can even walk to the store anymore, which is fucking obnoxious. But what can you do? Well, stay out of the sun for one. And don't wear fucking jeans to take a walk in 90 degree heat. 

So that's my life at the moment. For the most part I don't seem to know what is going on but, oddly, I'm happy enough. Yesterday I went to the DMV to apply for my license. The web-site said my birth certificate and OH license would suffice but dude said "no" so I had to go home. I used to flip out about that sort of thing. Not on the person, mind, but when I got home. I'd get hysterical and melt down for some reason. But I just went home, tore up my apartment to find my social security card (it was mixed in with the stationary I bought at Kensington Palace ten years ago), and went back to the DMV and took care of it. So I'm sort of an official Texan. Sort of? Yes, because in Texas they send your information elsewhere to make sure you don't have outstanding warrants or whatever and so, upon "surrendering" your out of state license, you are given a piece of paper. My worst license photo ever but at least I got it taken care of.

Oh, and the DMV out here is rad. You go in, go to a kiosk, pick an option as to what you want to do, and then put in your cell phone number. You get texts telling you the ETA of when you will be seen and a page goes out with the last four digits of your phone number when it is your turn. Didn't take long either, but then, I did go on a Monday morning. I think, including the trip home and back, it took maybe 90 minutes but didn't feel like it at all. So that is something about Texas that is decent.

The thunderstorms are pretty magnificent as well. And I don't remember when last I lived somewhere where you could hear the storms moving away. 

the end