Third Time's the Charm Except When It Isn't

The bat and I broke up. Again. We lasted almost seven months this time for a total of three and a half years together off and on. Why did we break up? Because when I've asked him about living together in the future, he hasn't been able to say anything along the lines of "yes, once I sell the house and get Monkey settled into the next chapter of her life, I figure we can start looking for a new place." After three and a half years, he doesn't want to plan for a future together and he doesn't want to live with me.

It isn't the worst thing in the world, the hesitancy to cohabitate. The issue is the very real sense I get that I'm just a stop gap girl for him. Once Monkey goes off to college, the bat will be able to live his life in a different way, no longer worrying and looking after his child all the time. Don't get me wrong, Monkey will still be his number one priority, he'll just have far less responsibility and she far more autonomy. He'll get to start traveling and doing all the things he's put on hold in order to raise her. And that is fantastic and I'm happy for him. But it's been clear to me for some time now that I'm not part of this next stage. He told me once that he was in this for the long haul, for as long as I'd have him but he can't answer "yes" when asked "do you want to live with me?"

I'm too old for this type of relationship. I'm not a casual dater and at thirty six I do not want to be with a man that I see three days a week. I don't want to have a relationship commute for pity's sake. The bat lives nine miles from me, which isn't a great amount of distance but I already drive twenty three miles one way just to get to work. At the end of a stressful day, I would like to come home to someone who loves me and who is genuinely happy to see me (I think I stole that line from How to Get Away With Murder). I certainly don't want to continue living in my hood-ass apartment complex with Weed Matt leering at me and my stingy-on-the-hot-water shower.

The bat is a great guy. He's charming and affectionate and he makes me laugh. I enjoy being with him physically, just sitting on the sofa watching movies. He has a lot of great qualities and he isn't a bad guy because he doesn't want to build a life with me. But I can't continue to be with him, feeling like a stop gap girl, when there is a chance that there is a man who wants to build life with me is waiting. Love and happiness do not march up to your door and announce themselves. Mr. Right isn't going to pull the bat aside when we are having drinks at Kyoto and tell him "sorry to break this to you, but I'm supposed to be with her, not you." So I'm freeing myself up to hopefully find this person. And the bat is free to find someone who wants way less than I.

It was a fairly abrupt ending and I've deleted his number and he's unfriended me on Facebook (I feel ridiculous typing that but it is a real thing and it feels strange). We haven't spoken since he stopped by after work to pick up his belongings. Well, we messaged a bit this morning because I left something at his house and he accidentally gave me some of the Monkey's things when he brought bits and pieces I'd left at his house. But that isn't exactly talking, especially as it as just practical. We are done. I am sad and will continue to be so for some time but eventually things will improve and I'll be happy again. Last night my friend agreed to go to Happy Hour with me because Tuesdays were the days the bat spent at my place. Two other friends ended up joining us and I had a great time and it was the perfect distraction. I have really good people in my life who will help me get through this.

But for right now, I'm sad and I'm having to remind myself over and over again that he was never going to be "the guy" and that I deserve "the guy".  Hopefully I'll stop thinking about it altogether relatively soon.

Till then, I'm sad. And that's OK. 

Ragey Before 6 in the Morning

Oh for fuck's sake. Remember how I JUST talked about how the Bat and I talked about the fact that I'm his girlfriend and not just some person in his house and it would be nice if he'd be nice to me and then he took me on a picnic? I shit you not when I say he was a dick before 6 a.m. this morning.

We were laying in bed, cuddling, as we were trying to get as much as we could out of those last twenty minutes before we absolutely had to get out of bed. I made a comment about how he really likes part of my body because he's particularly fondly with it (head north, not south) in the a.m. I was just musing out loud, not fishing for compliments or anything, but the fucker said "no." And he said it in such a way that it took me a few seconds to realize that he wasn't serious but was just being a dick.

What the fuck? He rarely says nice things to me, he never compliments me, and now, apparently, he is going to go out of his way to be a dick for no reason? Our conversation as I was leaving went like this:

Him: "You aren't going to give me a kiss?"
Me: "No. You're a dick."
Him: "I know."
Me: "I'm not rewarding dickish behavior."

So now I'm annoyed and feel like an idiot but am also really frustrated because throw me a fucking bone mother fucker. I can handle the fact - no, I have been handling the fact - that he isn't romantic, doesn't pay compliments, and doesn't often say nice things. But to be a dick like that at roughly 5:45 a.m. is just unacceptable.

Why do I feel like an idiot? Because this whole thing irritates me to the point of considering passive aggressive behavior along the lines of "well fine, I'm not doing shit for the guy anymore" or "when I get home I'm holing up in my room and he can go fuck himself." And that isn't who I am at all. I hate that shit. So, as I said, annoyed and feeling like an idiot.

Fucking boys, dude.

New Guy

So, here is why I haven't been very good about writing up the Austin visit: I've been busy. For once, I've been really fun busy. Because I don't seem to ever really know what I want or where I am, I decided to reactivate my dating profile because I guess I do want a relationship. Guitar Hero is fun and all, but he and I were never going to be anything more than friends. Before reactivating it, I updated my profile to reflect as accurately as possible who I am and what I'm looking for. I also included a line that said "Oh, and I'm an atheist. That seems to matter."

Two guys messaged me. The first used freaking texting language. In my profile I mentioned that I'm smart and I'd like someone who keeps up with current events. I'm not genius and I can't name the leader of every nation or anything, but I do like to talk about what is going on in the world. So I replied to texting language guy and said "Hi, nice to meet you. So what do you think about this whole Syrian conflict?" Needless to say, that relationship was short lived.

The second guy who messaged me was a lot better. I don't remember what we talked about in the messages exactly, the usual getting to know you stuff, but we then began texting one another because he doesn't have a cushy office job like me (he's a building engineer or something. You know, when shit breaks or the alarms go off or whatev, he's the guy you call in). We texted all that day and the next, and made a date for Wednesday.

Look, I know I said I'm smart up there but I do some stupid shit. I've seen how many television programs and Lifetime Original Movies and yet still I'm all "yeah, sure, sounds great!" when a guy I don't know, who I met on line, invites me over to his place for dinner. No wonder my mom thinks I'm a date away from being chopped up into little pieces and buried in a desolate area.I do set myself up for that. "OK, yeah, sure, I'll drive nine or ten miles east to an area I've never been to have dinner at your house guy that I've just 'met' on line!" Clearly, I was not chopped up and buried, but still. Think, stupid, think!

So, about New Guy (I'll come up with something better eventually, especially if this works out, but right now, all I have is New Guy). He is a single father who has been raising his fourteen year old daughter on his own for the past twelve years. She's a freshman and on the drill team so she's busy and out and about a lot with less time for her dad and he decided he'd try dating again. He and his ex divorced when his daughter, Monkey, was two and he got full custody and has been working and taking care of her ever since. This meant he couldn't really date because even though Monkey was raised as a latch key kid and has been pretty self sufficient, she was too young. Where New Guy went, Monkey went. Packaged deal and I think he just didn't want to fuck with that. But now he can and so here we are. He's originally from California, outside LA, but has been in Texas for eight years and likes it a lot better here (still drives like a Californian though). He's worked in construction and all sorts of stuff and has an awesome skill set that is beyond my ken*. He's very much a country boy and hunts and camps and the whole bit. He's smart, funny, and he reads! Austin made fun of me for being excited about the reading but I haven't met a reader in fucking forever!

He's also incredibly kind and generous, affectionate and attentive, and appears to dig me quite a bit, which is, of course, a plus. I'm a bit nervous that things will go the way of Murdoch, seeing as he was really awesome at first, but I'll have to wait and see.

Our dates have been awesome and a bit hilarious. On Wednesday, I drove to his place and arrived 15 minutes early. His friend, Phoenix, was there but he left shortly after. His kid was going to church that night. Welp, Phoenix ended up there all night because he blew a tire and I ended up meeting the kid because at first she wasn't going to go to church and then she got back early. But Phoenix made himself scarce so NG and I had dinner (fish, rice, and mushrooms) and watched a movie. We even chatted with Phoenix a bunch.

The next day, NG texted me saying that Monkey had a last minute football game (she is on the drill team) and that he had free time. So I said "come out to my neck of the woods and I'll take you to dinner." It was a very interesting evening but I'm not going to go into details because I do, actually, have some class and because it's none of your business. Let's just say that he and I were both surprised to learn that there are disposable cock rings. Oh adult novelty world, how you never cease to amaze!

It was homecoming weekend at Monkey's school so I ended up spending the weekend with NG. On Friday I went over and we had dinner (stew) and we just hung out all evening. We ended up staying up till about 3 a.m. because we were chatting and couldn't get tired. The astute reader will have already correctly assumed that if I am spending the weekend at a guy's place, I have already had sex with him. NG had a three date rule about sex but he broke that shit on Wednesday. He said that he'd gotten to know me better after texting and emailing for the previous 72 hours than he'd gotten to know a girl he'd dated for three months (they only saw one another once a week because of her work schedule) so he didn't feel too bad about breaking his rule. So yeah, that happened and that kept us awake throughout the night as well, but really it was the sleepover syndrome of having a friend over and just wanting to talk and joke and laugh. Eventually we got up to watch a movie, 'The Bling Ring', and he told me that he remembered when it was going down in real life and, being from just outside of LA, he knew the areas. At the end, when the kids were being led to the bus to go to LA County Jail or wherever, NG said "I've been there." I said "you're fucking with me" and he said "nope." Things you should know before you fuck a guy: is he a convicted felon? Technically, yes, yes he is. He can gt it expunged but would have to go back to CA. That was fun to learn. Fortunately, it was neither for a violent offense nor a drug related one. I've also been assured that there are no other surprises from his wayward youth (he served a couple of weeks when he was 20 or 21... he is going to be 37 in November) and he's cleaned up his act remarkably because of having Monkey.

I have to say, this guy is a dedicated father. He bought the house that he did because it is in a small neighborhood. He bought it with the idea that it will eventually be an income property for his daughter. He has the life insurance that he does so that if anything happens, she'll be taken care of. He's taught her how to hunt and shoot and all sorts of how to be self reliant shit. He bought the car that he did with the idea that it will be hers eventually. Hell, he even got her a credit card in her name so that she can start establishing good credit. He jokingly bitches about how expensive she is what with the drill team and homecoming, but it's apparent that he loves the hell out of her. And I dig that. He told me that a lot of the women he's met through the website weren't that down with the fact that he was a full time single parent, especially when they realized that he already had a girl who took priority in his life. But it doesn't bother me at all. And I like Monkey. We haven't spent a great deal of time together or anything but she does talk to me a little when I've been around her. I think we are going camping in two weeks actually. I asked her if she was going to make fun of me the whole time because I've never been camping. She said no. NG said "yes".

Anyhow. On Saturday we were going to go with Phoenix to a lake. We did go, actually, but NG's boat's batteries were both dead so we had to return to his place. We ended up sitting in his garage and drinking and chatting and it was relaxing and nice. After a nap we went to my place so I could throw food and water at my animals and then went to Phoenix's place in McKinney for a barbecue. NG, Phoenix, a guy named Juan who doesn't speak English, and I were sitting on the deck, smoking and drinking some beer, when suddenly there was the flashing of light. Phoenix got up and went to the corner of his deck and then was asked to come forward. There were three cops there who asked him to step outside but he refused because he isn't stupid. He was on his property, in his backyard, doing nothing wrong; why give them any reason? He handed over his military ID (Marines) and explained to the officers that we were just drinking and smoking ("no, man, I have my smoker going" he had to explain after they asked what we were smoking... full disclosure, when Phoenix got up, he threw his bag of pot at me and I handed it to NG. I don't smoke but every man in Texas seems to). It was a good five minutes and it was absurd. The officers told Phoenix that they were out for a noise complaint. There was loud music going but for one thing, it was only about 8:30 at the time and for another, the music was coming from another house up the block. Weird as shit, homey.

NG and I left at about nine to go to a local pub where another of his friends was celebrating his birthday. I met a bunch of people and they all looked at NG in surprise because he hasn't dated in so long so they aren't used to seeing him with someone.It was nice to sit there awkwardly for awhile. Then, back to Phoenixes and we chatted more and I got a kick out of his fiancé. Then back to NG's house where we basically passed out.

Yesterday was chill. We woke up, I went back to bed because it was wicked early, he let me sleep in, and when I woke up there was breakfast. We just hung out lazily for a few hours before I had to go so I could take care of my animals and do some chores. Bubbles was not pleased with me and showed her ire by pissing on Johan's ramp. She did it again when I could see her and I had to yell at her. I'm fucking whipped by these animals and need to teach that little bitch that she might have to go without petting a few days a week. Shit. I just realized that if I go camping I'll have to board them both. Hopefully NG will help me get Bubbles into her carrier.

Anyhow. Went back to his place later that evening to have dinner with him and Monkey and to do some laundry. We were watching a movie ('The Host') when he suddenly said "feel like going for a ride? I have to go to work". So I went with him to one of the building's he supervises and watched as he checked this panel and went into that pump room and other stuff. We went to the second floor to talk to the guy who reported the problem and that guy apologized for calling NG in on a Sunday. "At least the Cowboys game is over though, right?" NG replied with "actually, I was in the middle of a date." When we got into his car, NG called the property manager to report his findings and 2nd floor guy had already texted her so she said something about the whole being on a date thing as well. "Fortunately, she's very understanding" is what I heard.

OK, I'm tired of writing. That was a lot. But like I said, I've been busy and this is why.

*I don't know why, but I've started using the word "ken" a lot lately. I don't even know if I'm using it appropriately. 

Day 6 in a Post Apocolyptic World

Well, perhaps I am being a bit hyperbolic. Today is the sixth day without internet at home so it isn't exactly neighbor against neighbor, battling in the street for road kill carrion or anything. My internet went out on Saturday. I was told it was an external broad band problem and a guy would be out Thursday. On Tuesday I got a call from a technician saying he was at my place, the problem was actually internal and, since I wasn't home, he'd have a tech call me. I got a message from my carrier saying my problem was resolved (which it wasn't, of course). So I called that night and a guy tried this and that and the other and then said he'd send a new modem. New modem received yesterday and it doesn't work. Technician scheduled to come out between four and eight Friday.

It hasn't been terrible. I don't miss Facebook or anything and no one really emails me. But I miss Netflix. I recently dropped my cable so I've been streaming online content. Lately it's been Midsomer Murders because I've exhausted Inspector Lewis, Under the Lake (On the Lake?), The Killing, and that show with Gillian Anderson in it. And I do miss reading the news obsessively. Though I'll admit, I'm done with Syria. I don't think we should be involved. I don't think chemical weapons is a "red line" and all the other stuff (bombs, torture, mines, etc.) are "OK" and in accordance with "rules of war". I find the concept of "rules of war" laughable (rule number one: no war allowed). Britain wants nothing to do with it, Iraq fresh in their minds. France wants in. The American people do not want to go but France and the US are basically begging for international support for a limited strike.

Until Russia was all "Hey buddy, how about you just turn over your weapons? I know Kerry suggested that but you know those Americans." So now we are going back to the table to talk more but America is still swinging its dick around to remind Syria that we ain't playin' no shit, that we ain't never, we ain't never been about playin' no shit.

And so, yes, Simply is still a girl disconnected. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for you, I have yet another awesome texted conversation to share, once again between Austin and yours truly. Enjoy!

**********************************************************

ME: "The awesome Guitar Hero texts just keep on coming. This morning he sent me a picture of his penis."

AUSTIN: "Lol, as what, a reminder?"

ME: "Who knows. Some guys love showing that shit."

AUSTIN: "Amazing. Oh GH, what will you do next?"

ME: "I think it is a 'see what you do to me' thing".

AUSTIN: "Was there any caption to the sext or was it just as is?"

ME: "This is how I woke up."

AUSTIN: "Hahahahahahhaah he sent you morning wood."

ME: "Yeah, he tells me sometimes that he woke up hard and though of me."

AUSTIN: "9/12/2013, self portrait with dong. Photograph. Now part of the permanent collection."

ME: "Limited edition featuring red underpants. Number 1 of 3."

AUSTIN: "If verified as an authentic GH from his rose period, it could fetch five figures in auction. Notice the tasteful soft focus on the thighs and covers. The insistence of the head in the foreground, commanding the viewer's attention. It's a powerful piece. Reminds me of 'self portrait with dong, living room, no. 8'. I have a print of it in my study."

ME: "This piece will be shipped in a protective latex coating to preserve the freshness and smoothness of the piece. Some deflation can be expected in the latex preservation pouch."

AUSTIN: "Hehe. Congrats on the acquisition. I'm sure you'll enjoy it for quite some time."

ME: "The portrait is the artist's tribute to 9/11. The erect shaft seen rising from the waste band is a powerful reminder of the American people and their spirit."

AUSTIN: "Actual lol. What I love is that not every tribute needs the two towers motif. One look at the work and you know what it's about, but it still functions as a proper dong shot. GH is as playful as he is masterful. He's just toying with genres now."

UPDATE: I dug out Murdoch's number just so I could put him back in my phone as "The Penis" and I set the penis pic as his contact picture. Just on the off chance that he ever calls me again. I don't hate the guy or anything, but he treated me like a dick so why not? It's funny. Plus, the chances of him ever calling me are slim to none so it will just be our little secret, k? Shhhh.

**********************************************************

 

And just for the hell of it:



Out with the Old and in with the Right Now (warning to family: I talk about sex)

(Alternative Title: In Which I Appear to be a Slut)

I broke up with Murdoch.I actually called him this time. Twice. Because of course he wasn't going to answer his phone. So I called and left a message. I later emailed him one of those terrible emails you send to someone you break up with. You start out saying that you don't understand how you can miss the person and you end up figuring out just what an asshole that person really is. His immediate reaction to my panic attacks/nervous breakdown was "we should take some time apart". Some time apart my ass.

But that isn't important. The day after I dumped him, I called Guitar Hero*, the guy I went to the lake with. We went to lunch that afternoon and he sounded a bit bitter. Apparently the dating scene has not been good to him. Later that evening, he called me up to see what I was doing and asked if I wanted company. I figured "fuck it, why not" and he came over. We drank some beer and sat on my patio and bullshitted back and forth. It was companionable and nice. He stayed over to avoid drunk driving but there was no hanky panky. He did seem less bitter though.

And I saw him again Wednesday. This would be our fourth time hanging out and I shit you not, he actually texted me and said that he hadn't liked the date he'd been on the night before and wouldn't be seeing her again. OK, that doesn't seem odd so I should have held off on the "I shit you not" part until here: he then asked if he could ask me a bold question about what he'd been wondering and I said go for it and he said he wondered if we were sexually compatible and would I be open to trying that tonight.

Right? So I said what any girl in my position (just dumped my boyfriend, whom I had not seen since August 14th when I picked up the cat and who was an utter dick) would say: "Bring condoms."

The rest of the day there was a bunch of back and forth about what do you like sexually and this and that and I'm not going to get into it because although I know I do the TMI thing (fuck you, it's my blog), I do have some limits. At one point I asked if he would bring me some cheap flowers or something just to make it feel a little less clinical/instructive, and he said sure and he brought me some Bethlehem Stars, flowers I've never received before. They're lovely and smell like summer time.

We drank and hung out for awhile before getting down to business. I was so incredibly nervous. I told Tits (who I'd been treating as my Twitter feed all day) that it was like I was 17 and going to prom and worrying about what my boyfriend's expectations were. But in the end, it worked out fine. I'll only say two things about the sex itself:

1. These East Texas boys really know what they were doing. One of my regrets about Murdoch was that the sex was so good. GH to the rescue; and
2. Tits was right. One of the fastest ways to get over someone is to get under somebody else.

So I'm a four date girl these days I guess. I think I'd hung out with Murdoch four times as well before we had at it. GH and I have made it clear to one another that we aren't committing to any form of serious relationship (aren't we just so modern) and are, as he put it "going to just hang out and satisfy the hell out of one another maybe a few times a week." I guess the term is friends with benefits (or for the more conservative of you, a guy and a slut) but it works fine for me. I don't want a real relationship, not yet, not after my last one. And I don't see GH and I being anything serious ever. I think in the end we'll just be friends (sans benefits).

I do still miss Murdoch sometimes, as much as I hate to say that. He wasn't all bad. But thinking back, I'm not stunned at my behavior, jumping into bed with a new guy so seemingly soon. Like I said, I hadn't seen Murdoch since 8/14 and that was just to pick up the cat. We had a huge fight that night and although we made it up, he barely spoke to me until he just totally jetted. The last time I hung out with him at all properly was 8/10. Going so long without speaking to me. Being fine without any contact at all. Text only communication. Maybe see him for three hours once a week. What kind of relationship is that? The sort I want to avoid ever having again. That's the nice thing about GH. We are both figuring out what exactly we want and we are figuring out who is going to give it to us. In the meantime, we have each other for company and for biological needs (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs anyone?) 

That and, like I said, the raise those boys right in East Texas.   

*He plays guitar and is really into heavy metal music, something I am familiar with from my old married lady days. Thus, Guitar Hero.

FAIL and more FAIL

Life
Broke up with Murdoch. I decided to call it a day because we were clearly on different pages and I didn't like how I felt or who I seemed to be. I felt clingy and needy and I'm neither one and not about to let a guy make me feel that way. I tried calling but, surprise surprise, he didn't answer. So I emailed him, told him I hoped he and his were OK (this was Monday and I barely heard two words out of him since Friday early evening) and then told him I was ending it. He's a lovely guy and I wish him the best but I need more from a relationship. That's fine and it doesn't make me a bad person or high maintenance. He can't or won't give it to me. That's fine, that doesn't make him a bad person. Poor timing I suppose.

People keep asking if I heard back from him and I keep saying "at the end he barely spoke to me when we were together. Why would he talk to me now?"

Disappointing and a bummer but better to get out of it now when I know it just isn't going to work. I gave it a shot and tried my best but some things just aren't meant to be. I'll collect myself, get passed it, and probably sign up for a dating site when I'm ready.

Work
I have no idea what is going on at work but this weird thing happened yesterday. I was in a meeting and I volunteered to do someone's testing and documentation. She was cool with it. I then proceeded to work on it only to find out that my manager asked someone else to do it instead. No explanation as to why but I kind of feel insulted or like I was just given a pat on the head and handed a bouncey ball to play with.

This, obviously, affects my morale, as did the hangover I had yesterday (yesterday was Tuesday and after breaking up with Murdoch I thought "yeah, I'm going to drink too much tonight because that is going to make me feel better"). Did you know you can google "how to waste time at work" and find options? One of my favorites was along the lines of "I've found that no one will question you if you walk around with a clipboard looking serious". That and looking at those demotivational posters is good for a few moments of time murdering. My favorite by far has the caption:

Coming to Work: I don't really mind but, I mean, this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit.

It is my desktop wallpaper.

In other shitty work news, people can't stop telling me that an old coworker died yesterday. He was a really good guy and worked in IT in the Ohio office. Had been with the company for something like 15 years and was really part of what people like to refer to as "the culture." That office will not be the same. He was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer a few months ago and it moved quickly. It's very sad news and it doesn't get any less sad the number of times you are told.

Fucking cancer.

 

Snobbery Lexiconery

One of the less pleasant aspects of my life in Texas is speech. OK, people have a tendency to think I'm stuck up when they first meet me regardless of my geographical location, but that is partly because I tend to be quiet in new environments. "What happened?!" Hardy har, to that old favorite stand by thrown at me by colleagues. Yes, I'm a chatter box and I'm a lot of fun, but initially I am really rather quiet just because I don't know anyone and don't know how to interact right away.

Then there is the language I use. Not the longshoreman's comfort and familiarity with such gems as "cunt" and "mother fucker" but my incredibly wide vocabulary. Hell, my url includes the word 'lexicon' so clearly I love me some words. But here in Texas I apparently sound like I'm trying to sound smart. That's what Murdoch said when I used the term "apropos" in a text message. You know why I use the word "apropos?" Because it is fucking efficient. My statement was "Apropos of nothing, I'm dressed like it is 1950." The only other way I can think of saying it is "Not that this has anything to do with what we were talking about but I am dressed like it is 1950." My version was much quicker.

The nature of my job means that I have to strip away a lot of my language and maintain a very dry, technical, informational, and pointedly detailed style. Apparently I have to do the same in casual conversations or I sound stuck up. That seems a bit unfair seeing as I majored in English and words are one of my few actual skills.

I told him that at least now I can feel more self conscious about how I speak (between the words I use and my accent, there is a lot of conversation) and his response was the very mature and understanding "Jesus. I said I'm sorry. Don't be dramatic." But it is unsettling to know that people assume, for no real reason, that you are trying to sound smart or going out of your way to drop 50 cent words when it's just habitual. I've said it before, Teacher is the only one who doesn't give me a hard time about it. He just accepts it. I spent a lot of my childhood reading and taking vocabulary lessons and words just stuck with me. Now I get to be made to feel foolish and/or pretentious for them. And I'm dramatic if I get irritated that my boyfriend of all people judges me for how I speak and assumes I'm putting on a show rather than doing what comes naturally to me.

You know what word I really wanted to use in this post? Taciturn. I wanted to say "I have a tendency to be a bit taciturn in new situations at first" but I honestly do feel really self conscious now.

10 Wasted Minutes

She happily began her work day, feeling positive and empowered, willing to take on the world as though she and all the elements were one and she had only to wave her fingers or dangle an ankle to make wondrous things occur.

But then she regretted not meditating that morning, choosing to sleep in instead. The meditation helps the girl get out of her brain for a bit and things take on a new perspective. She’d planned on sitting for twenty minutes, iPod on, listening to a guided meditation to make her feel good, calm, empowered, at peace.

Instead, she slept in. Ghost Boy infiltrated her thoughts more than inner peace and tranquility. She was haunted. And that sucked.

Then it got even better when the girl’s boss and a colleague started asking her, yet again, to do things she had no clue about. She was given a set of crayons and asked to build a CB radio. People all around her were giving her difficult tasks beyond her scope.

So she turned on Radiolab and popped a Klonopin and just chilled to get through the rest of her day. The monsters and assholes will just have to wait. She’s busy.

Continued Life in Texas

It is still hot as fuck here in Texas and there are some really horrible, gross, sickening, big black beetles that have become the things of my nightmares. That's all they are, by the way, according to the two people I've asked. They are just "beetles". And they are disgusting. There is a whole genocide of them along the walkway of the shopping center I frequent and I can't even look at them, let alone trod on their dead carcasses.The awnings in front of store entrances would be good shade providers but I cannot bring myself to do it because of the beetle bodies. I just don't have it in me. And jaysus! If I see an alive one? Let's just not talk about that shall we?

I'm still utterly conflicted about my job. I like the challenges presented but I don't like the whole "not being able to figure this shit out" part of the challenges. And I swear to fucking christ, if Hunter comes to me one more time to do shit that his own god damn business analyst should be doing, I'll flip. I actually already did flip. I emailed him and told him, among other things, "...if you are not providing training to your employees that shit is on you. Do NOT ask me to do the work of one of your direct fucking reports..." And I meant it. He thinks I'm completely stressed out and losing my shit all the time but I finally had to tell him that I'd be way less stressed if I didn't have to deal with his shit. He literally has two BAs that report to him and one of them has been here longer than I. I don't know what the fuck she's been doing all this time but it certainly hasn't been what I'm doing. And I'm not exactly flush with free time trying to do whatever it is that I do do.

Sometimes I feel like crying on my way home from work due to the tension and frustration. Other times I feel like I've figured something out or turned in a good product. I never feel safe or like I know what I'm doing though. But I'm too chicken shit to look for work outside the company. I say it's because I don't want to have a suspension of health benefits but really, I think I'm just a pussy.

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Things with Murdoch are ... weird and uncertain as ever. We rarely see one another and we barely speak beyond texts. We also got into an enormous fight the other day, during the work day. I like him, a lot, and I want things to work and am willing to do my part, but there is a lot of uncertainty. His life changed dramatically when he got custody of his younger children and moved. I respect that and appreciate the enormity of his responsibilities. My stress, whilst not on par with his necessarily, still exists and I miss having that boyfriend that I had in April. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased as punch that he got custody because it was the best thing for his children, but things have changed and I sometimes wonder if I'm dating the same person. And that is all I shall say on the subject because it's not one I feel comfortable talking about.

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I am getting used to Texas somewhat, though it's still a shock to me. I like the DMV. I don't like the traffic or the way people cut you off willy nilly (though I'm slowly getting used to that as well). I hate the weather (I think tomorrow is supposed to be 104) but the people are extremely nice and friendly. The thunderstorms are tremendous and they have different birds here than they did in Ohio. I have no clue what they are called, I just know I never noticed them in OH. I miss my friends but I like the people I work with. I joined a gym and even though I've been one time since I signed up two weeks ago, I feel more "at home" for having gotten the membership.

I'm losing weight. Not intentionally but because of stress, forgetting to eat because eventually I'm no longer hungry, and sheer laziness. 85% of my work wardrobe is now too big for me so, as Tits suggested, I'm going to buy one blouse and one skirt/pair of trousers each payday so that I can look decent at work again. I stocked up on cheap summer dresses for my free time (got tired of dressing like a boy) so I'm covered there, but sometimes I look at myself in the mirror at work and think "well someone played dress up in mommy's closet today!" I probably look better than I have in some time what with the weight loss and the tanning. I decided that if I'm in Texas and I can't avoid getting tan, I'm going to do it right. So I bought a two piece bathing suit and have taken to laying out by my community pool on the weekends (note: I cannot swim in my suit. I tried. My top came down). But I'm not taking great care of myself and that needs to change. Today, because Johan is out of veggies, I am forced to go to the grocery store so I'll actually eat something more than a yogurt or piece of cheese for dinner.

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And that's all I got. I'll leave you with a few funny (to me) quotes.

"You look like someone who would be into the Hunger Games." ~ said to me by a colleague. We weren't discussing the Hunger Games at all when she said that.

"What is a 'well-hung midget'?" ~ said by Murdoch's daughter after she read about what happens to some unicorns with deformed horns on the internet (Murdoch pretended confusion so I had to cover).

"I'm not mad or nothing..." ~ said by me to Murdoch before our fight. I find it funny because it was an auto correct on my phone and I don't speak like that and people at work think I'm super smart when it comes to grammar.

"Fuck our married, limp dick, paramours and the horses they rode in on." ~ said by me to Tits and I can't remember why.