Follow up to a texting conversation - and deep, deep shame

ME: "Catimer Purrtin. Why are we so fucking stupid? Sushi bar waiter guy came up with that. If you are not ashamed, we are no longer friends."

AUSTIN: "Awwwwwwww dammit! That's fucking perfect. Don't worry. I feel tremendous shame now."

ME: "Right? So disappointed in us."

AUSTIN: "That's pretty badass."

ME: "To our credit, we were badass with what we did."

AUSTIN: "We did. Sushi guy might just be some kind of genius. Sensai."

ME: "We were too focused on current events. It was too immediate for us to be THAT clever."

AUSTIN: "Hindsight is 20/20. Credit where credit is due. That shit is clever." 

Day 6 in a Post Apocolyptic World

Well, perhaps I am being a bit hyperbolic. Today is the sixth day without internet at home so it isn't exactly neighbor against neighbor, battling in the street for road kill carrion or anything. My internet went out on Saturday. I was told it was an external broad band problem and a guy would be out Thursday. On Tuesday I got a call from a technician saying he was at my place, the problem was actually internal and, since I wasn't home, he'd have a tech call me. I got a message from my carrier saying my problem was resolved (which it wasn't, of course). So I called that night and a guy tried this and that and the other and then said he'd send a new modem. New modem received yesterday and it doesn't work. Technician scheduled to come out between four and eight Friday.

It hasn't been terrible. I don't miss Facebook or anything and no one really emails me. But I miss Netflix. I recently dropped my cable so I've been streaming online content. Lately it's been Midsomer Murders because I've exhausted Inspector Lewis, Under the Lake (On the Lake?), The Killing, and that show with Gillian Anderson in it. And I do miss reading the news obsessively. Though I'll admit, I'm done with Syria. I don't think we should be involved. I don't think chemical weapons is a "red line" and all the other stuff (bombs, torture, mines, etc.) are "OK" and in accordance with "rules of war". I find the concept of "rules of war" laughable (rule number one: no war allowed). Britain wants nothing to do with it, Iraq fresh in their minds. France wants in. The American people do not want to go but France and the US are basically begging for international support for a limited strike.

Until Russia was all "Hey buddy, how about you just turn over your weapons? I know Kerry suggested that but you know those Americans." So now we are going back to the table to talk more but America is still swinging its dick around to remind Syria that we ain't playin' no shit, that we ain't never, we ain't never been about playin' no shit.

And so, yes, Simply is still a girl disconnected. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for you, I have yet another awesome texted conversation to share, once again between Austin and yours truly. Enjoy!

**********************************************************

ME: "The awesome Guitar Hero texts just keep on coming. This morning he sent me a picture of his penis."

AUSTIN: "Lol, as what, a reminder?"

ME: "Who knows. Some guys love showing that shit."

AUSTIN: "Amazing. Oh GH, what will you do next?"

ME: "I think it is a 'see what you do to me' thing".

AUSTIN: "Was there any caption to the sext or was it just as is?"

ME: "This is how I woke up."

AUSTIN: "Hahahahahahhaah he sent you morning wood."

ME: "Yeah, he tells me sometimes that he woke up hard and though of me."

AUSTIN: "9/12/2013, self portrait with dong. Photograph. Now part of the permanent collection."

ME: "Limited edition featuring red underpants. Number 1 of 3."

AUSTIN: "If verified as an authentic GH from his rose period, it could fetch five figures in auction. Notice the tasteful soft focus on the thighs and covers. The insistence of the head in the foreground, commanding the viewer's attention. It's a powerful piece. Reminds me of 'self portrait with dong, living room, no. 8'. I have a print of it in my study."

ME: "This piece will be shipped in a protective latex coating to preserve the freshness and smoothness of the piece. Some deflation can be expected in the latex preservation pouch."

AUSTIN: "Hehe. Congrats on the acquisition. I'm sure you'll enjoy it for quite some time."

ME: "The portrait is the artist's tribute to 9/11. The erect shaft seen rising from the waste band is a powerful reminder of the American people and their spirit."

AUSTIN: "Actual lol. What I love is that not every tribute needs the two towers motif. One look at the work and you know what it's about, but it still functions as a proper dong shot. GH is as playful as he is masterful. He's just toying with genres now."

UPDATE: I dug out Murdoch's number just so I could put him back in my phone as "The Penis" and I set the penis pic as his contact picture. Just on the off chance that he ever calls me again. I don't hate the guy or anything, but he treated me like a dick so why not? It's funny. Plus, the chances of him ever calling me are slim to none so it will just be our little secret, k? Shhhh.

**********************************************************

 

And just for the hell of it:



Even More Conversations of Awesomeness

Still no internet at home but I do have this to share, a text conversation twixt me and Austin that took place last night.

ME: "From Guitar Hero to me: 'Can we have sex and then go to the Royal Buffet?'"

AUSTIN: "Lol, Awesome. That may be the greatest date invitation I've ever heard of... Dude, I could go for some Grand Buffet."

ME: "It's like we are negotiating."

AUSTIN: "Sorry, down here it is just Grand."

ME: "You'll never be royals..."

AUSTIN: "Nicely done, re royals. So things going well I trust?"

ME: "Thanks, proud of the reference and yes!"

AUSTIN: "Sweet. Well, I'd tell you to enjoy your evening but it may be actually impossible not to. Unless they are out of popcorn shrimp."

ME: "Don't you even dare whisper such a tragedy."

AUSTIN: "My apologies. It's unspeakable.... PS: I am totally getting Chinese food now based on this. Brilliant. Thanks Guitar Hero!

ME: "This convo is going on my blog."

AUSTIN: "Score."

How I have friends is a mystery to me

The following is an email conversation I had with BFF the other day.

BFF - Original Subject Line is Avatar

"'Sup Puddin,

I am racking my brain trying to come up with an avatar for my scary mommy.com profile. Care to draw me one when you have the time?" 

ME

"What're you looking for? Can you give me a bit of inspiration?"

BFF

"Something to do with me and Baby."

ME

"So not a picture of Johan, my gun, and random Manga?"

BFF

"No, no thank you."

ME

"Totally drew that myself."

BFF

"Lol. But that's beautiful! And perfect!"

ME

"I thought you'd like it. I thought vintage when I thought of you and baby when I thought of Baby so easy peasy."

ME

"Option two. A great way to introduce yourself."

BFF

"Um, yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking when I asked for an avatar! I'mma gonna use this one! Thanks!"

ME - New Subject Line "Re: avatar PLEASE DON'T HATE ME"

BFF

"That's just WRONG!
 Besides, Baby doesn't get herself dressed yet. :P"

ME

"I figured this was at night before you put her down. But she looks happy doesn't she?

That picture cracked me up when I finished drawing it."

BFF

" Ahem, I don't get shit faced until AFTER I put her down!"

ME - New subject line "Last One"

That is her husband, looking all annoyed at her

BFF

"Ugh!"

ME

"Oh come on!"

BFF

"Really???!! :-)"


And that is why she is BFF. The end.

Further Conversations of Awesomeness - Now with pictures!

Over IM with Hunter during work today.

Hunter: I love the recast monster. He's proudly hanging on my wall now.  Simply: Hunter's wall of monsters  Hunter: And I really wanted to go to the gym today but there's no fucking way.  Simply: Because of the work you have?  Hunter: Yes. I have so much shit to do and no one will leave me alone.  Simply: Even with your door closed?  Hunter: To get my budget right means I have to talk to others. When I leave my office to talk to others, it gives other people an opportunity to pester me. Plus, I have a hard time ignoring people and email. I just got an email from XXX. and I automatically stop everything I'm doing to answer it but that just puts me further behind. I have to learn to blow people off for awhile. I have a meeting at 1 and another at 2. I shouldn't blow either of them off but I need to.  Simply: I just sent you a sign you can wear when you are walking around talking to people you actually need to talk to. (from email) Hunter: I just started laughing hysterically to the point where people outside my office are wondering why.  Simply: Show them the sign and ask if they think it would be an effective deterrent  Hunter: Totally inappropriate for me to even hang on my wall but funny as hell  Simply: Get it made into a screen print t-shirt  Twas my most inspired work to date.  Hunter: It was awesome. I've printed it to show people I know when they come in my office.  Simply: I made one you can hang up. (from email) Hunter: You're awesome. Simply: I'm pretty great. Hunter: My little office printer is getting a work out today. Hasn't printed so much color in it's life.  Simply: Personally, I prefer the ass to mouth rape threat but I understand that you can't be quite so vulgar in your position.   Imma have to put this conversation, with pictures, on my blog.

Because I don't feel like working, I'm doing this instead

Conversation via email.

ME: "Can't believe it's finally Friday. Am sooooooooo tired."

BFF: "Omg, me too. Ditto. I eat at my desk then take my lunch by going to LW Park and reading and napping in my car. I just got back and I am more tired than ever. Doesn't help that I don't have a/c so the heat really puts me to sleep."

ME: "lol, my buddy naps in his truck sometimes and was telling me I should try it by driving to the park around the corner. My friend Birdy and I spoke about how awesome it would be if we could nap and then be woken up and given a juice box."

BFF: "LOL I wonder if that's what happens to Baby? I would like to nap like that too. They pat them to sleep or rub their backs and I bet they get woken up like that too. And offered their juice cup and a snack. Damn it's good to be a Todd-la."

ME: "And you know they speak to them all softly 'there you are, Cat, wakey wakey. Let's sit up and have some juice, shall we? How about some orange wedges. Did you have sweet dreams?' And I'd be all rambly like little kids are when they first wake up.

God that would be nice. Instead, I have 1.5 hours left and then I'll drive home, collapse into bed whilst Johan screams at me, and wake up at some point in the evening totally confused. I'll be able to have a juice box though."

BFF: " Awe, that is exactly how I wake Baby up. "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey...did you have good dreamers?" That is on the mornings where I have to wake her up because we have to leave early to go to school. Sweet at first and then it's all OK, hurry up lets get this diaper on you, don't cry, ok, ok, come on lets get your bottle come on now, don't cry, ok ok now we gotta get dressed, ok, ok, come on help a momma out Baby, don't cry, here shove some Cheerios in your face, come on, OK, OK gotta get in the car seat and go bye bye .... ugh. You'd think I'd be adult enough to get up extra early on those days so I don't rush a poor 12 month old, but NO."

ME: "Whatever, she deserves it because she gets awesome nap time."

 

Best Conversation Ever

Ralph Paton	We have too much fun together. Aside from the fact that you like Gangsta rap and think that Red is a flavor, you're down right awesome to be around.
Gwenda Reed	That and you always force me to think objectively, which pisses me off but really I know it is good for me.
◄	What's wrong with thinking Red is a flavor? You think watching people drive in a circle is entertaining!
◄
Ralph Paton	I like the wrecks
Gwenda Reed	Angry face guy thinks red is a flavor
◄	You know I'm from Delaware, right? Dover Downs.
Ralph Paton	- Cool guy likes NASCAR
Gwenda Reed	= You listening to N.W.A.
◄	I'm pretty sure they are all the same guy, by the way.
Ralph Paton	= You being forced to watch a race
◄	You're probably right. Same dude.
Gwenda Reed	This is one of the best conversations I've ever had and I'm going to have to put it on my blog

Early Morning Asinine E-mail Conversation with My Boss

From: Boss
To: Me
Subject: Cell phones and cancer

Do you know what the latest is this morning re cell phones and brain CA?

From: Me
To: Boss
Subject: RE: Cell phones and cancer

Nope.

From: Boss
To: Me
Subject: RE: RE: Cell phones and cancer

Can you google it? I missed it on the news this morning.

From: Me
To: Boss
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Cell phones and cancer

Boss, I have work to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: Boss
To: Me
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Cell phones and cancer

This has broad-reaching impact in our company!!!!

From: Me
To:  Boss
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Cell phones and cancer

Then let our wellness people look into it.


To: Me
From: Boss
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Cell phones and cancer

Aren't you even the least bit curious?

To: Boss
From: Me
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Cell phones and cancer

Nope. I rarely use my cell phone and when I do it is almost always texting.

To: Me
From: Boss
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Cell phones and cancer

And I thought you possessed intellectual curiousity!

To: Boss
From: Me
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Cell phones and cancer

Nope. Why do you think I get so excited when you bring me Us Weekly magazines? Now go hob nob with the other people attending your conference and leave me alone so I can get some work done!

There is something severely wrong with me

The GM of my company and I were chatting over my cubical wall about the fucked up road out front. Somehow we got on the topic of my hoping my boss's car gets fucked up since he gave me such a hard time about e-mailing and trying to find out who to notify if there was an issue (this was resolved in my favor by the way). The conversation then devolved as seen below:

GM: "Is he (my boss) leasing his car again?"

ME: "Uh, I think so. Do you think he would ever not lease?"

GM: "Once you start it's hard to stop."

ME: <giggles> "...that's what they say about murder; the first time is really hard but then it gets easier and you just do it all the time."