I win... because everyone is a participant

Not really killing it at being a grownup. Yesterday was a crap day at work and I knew I had to do the following afterwards:

1. Go to the pet store
2. Go to the people store
3. Go home to get some pills/check mail
4. Take the Bat to the mechanic to drop off a car
5. Clean Johan's cage

As previously stated, I despise doing anything after work that isn't sitting around with a beer or glass of wine. Stopping home wasn't a huge deal because it is on the way but the rest of it was annoying and time consuming and I just get really tired of driving. Which is why the Bat pissed me off so bad. 

We were at the mechanic's place when he informed me that we were also going to stop at Target so that Monkey could look for tights and a tutu (I don't know, something to do with Halloween I think). I just looked at him and he laughed at me. I think my utter silence (save for when I told him to shut up, then apologized for being bitchy but I DO NOT WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW) and death grip on the steering wheel eventually told him that I was annoyed. 

No, stopping at Target wasn't that big of a deal but please do not volunteer me for anything. EVER. Especially not when it means being in my car for longer. I'm not really sure why he thought it wouldn't be problematic. Dude drives a ton for work so he understands not wanting to drive anywhere afterwards. I guess he doesn't realize how much it irritates me because he doesn't have to drive through downtown Dallas, which is a soul suck. ----Quick aside, why are the KVIL morning traffic reporter chicks so fucking gleeful? Honestly, the one today almost giggled whilst saying "Not much has changed ... which is not good news for those traveling west on LBG highway 635!" But she and the other chick who is usually there, are just so damned happy about reporting on terrible traffic. I told Tits that I imagine them looking like the flying monkeys from the original Wizard of Oz just sitting in the studio gazing at the gridlock and omnishambles, doing the Mister Burns hands thing and laughing at us all because they got to work at 4:30 and never experience nightmare traffic. She commented that I'd put a lot of thought into it. I told her it's a long commute.----

Anyhow. After Target we all went back to the Bat Cave and the Bat and Monkey got into his car to go elsewhere while I went inside to clean the pig cage and take a shower and stomp around and pour myself the first of many glasses of wine. I stayed in the bedroom for a large part of the evening because I was not fit to be around humans and didn't want to snap at the Bat. Yes, he irritated the hell out of me, but I also knew it was something really small and petty and so I just wanted to decompress and chill out because even though I was irritated, I knew it had more to do with having a shitty day and not wanting to drive and blah blah than it did with anything terrible on his part. 

That's why I've made myself a ribbon. Yeah, it isn't that great, but then again, look what I am awarding it to myself for. Clearly I'm not putting that much effort into anything these days. 

Girl Brain Revisited

I have a bad habit of texting BFF and asking her if she is pregnant. I always have a reason such as "I totally dreamed that you were preggo again" or "hmm, she is vaguebooking... welp, must be preggo" but still, I need to cut that shit out because it isn't very flattering. I know I wouldn't like to be asked if I was pregnant all the time. And I wouldn't be all gracious like BFF is either. I'd be all "are you saying I'm fat?" and "how dare you even suggest such a thing!?" etc. etc.

That wasn't leading up to anything. I just think it's weird that I text this poor girl and randomly ask if she is pregnant from time to time.

Things are good. Nothing too exciting, which is why I've been quiet (things are not awful so no whining and things are boring so I got nothing). I'm actually happy. More to the point, the Bat makes me happy. And so, of course, I'm terribly nervous. And I said stupid stuff last night out of nowhere. The Bat isn't a love guy. He doesn't fall in love and doesn't want love. For some reason that bothered me a lot last night. I told him I wanted love so we'd have to break up. I cried (cause I'm me and I cry) because I really like the guy and am happy with him.

Remember girl brain? Yeah, she's a cunt. I think it's really a forest for the trees thing. I want to feel special. I want to be treated a certain way not because I'm his girlfriend and that is how you are supposed to treat your girlfriend but because he likes me. Well, do I feel special? Yes. Do I feel like he likes me? Yes. Am I happy? Yes. So what the fuck is my problem?

My problem is that this is a really nice guy who treats me well on a consistent basis. It's been a month and he has yet to morph into a gigantic asshole. Even my mother said she couldn't believe I met a guy who is nice to me. She didn't mean it like it sounds but I knew what she meant right away. I'm not doing all the work. I'm not starved for affection or attention. Homeboy is actively kind to me and makes me feel wanted and appreciated. So I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and since it hasn't, girl brain is looking for problems. Because this sort of happiness doesn't happen to me. Stupid girl brain.

Do I really mind if he never falls in love with me? No, actually, I don't. At first it bothered me but that was ego. Truthfully, love isn't something that I'm worried about and considering how cautious I'm being emotionally, it would be unfair of me to want more of an investment from him. "I'm not going to love you but you have to love me because I'm the girl, so there."

Sometimes I just really need to shut my brain off and enjoy life instead of letting girl brain swoop in and cause unnecessary problems. That is a new goal for me: enjoy life and ignore girl brain; she's just a trouble maker.

Also, it would be really rad if I could get all the self awareness before I say shit out loud and embarrass myself. I feel like an idiot for crying last night. I'll make that a goal as well: don't speak until you've really thought shit through. Like that will ever happen.

Evening Plans

Because I'm staying in with Bubbles tonight.

ME: "Take out, alcohol, knitting, and Netflix. I'm wild."

Bat: "Sounds like a crazy night."

ME: "I'm old and boring too."

Bat: "Guess I'm going to hit the clubs."

ME: "All up in da clubs?"

Bat: "Show off some moves."

ME: "Go for it, baby. Remember the roofies."

Bat: "I'll be sure to pack them."

ME: "In reality, I'm guessing you'll make dinner, watch TV, play with Johan, and pick Monkey up."

Bat: "Hells to the no. I'm gonna party it up yo. Perhaps Johan and I will go to the titty bar."

ME: "OK but watch out for piggy because he isn't fixed."

Bat: "Lol."

ME: "Also, no shots. Johan starts fights if he does shots."

ME: "In fact, maybe find a different wing man."

And at 32, I seem to have grown up... a teeny, tiny bit

Like a Lighting Fixture
I was going to stay at my place last night. I thought I'd have a girl's night in and hang out with Bubbles and, you know, make my apartment earn the rent that I pay every month. Since meeting Batman, I've hung out at his place pretty consistently and don't even remember when I last spent the night in my apartment. Hell, on Saturday I helped with chores around the Bat Cave just because I'm there so often. So I told the Bat of my plans and started to make a list of what I wanted to do with myself. I got my eyebrows waxed, put on a mud mask, cleaned the litter box, put away dishes, watched some Net Flix, started a new scarf. Lovely. Only here's the thing: I got sent home from work around 12:45 because our power went out at 11:45 and they didn't know what time it would be back on (I think a car accident caused the outage as it was more than just our building). So I ended up home at 2 PM and by 5:30 was bored and missed the Bat and Monkey. Needless to say, I still have not slept in my own bed.

When Monkey got home yesterday, before I turned up, she asked her dad where I was. He told her I wasn't coming over and her immediate reaction was to look at him and say "what did you do?" Nice to know the kid will take my side first. I guess I'm a fixture in her life.

And his. I've been with the Bat for nearly a month now (it will be a month on Friday) and we spend a lot time together and it feels 'right' for lack of a better term. I don't get annoyed with him (save for when he makes fun of me when it is early in the morning, I'm awake because his fucking alarm went off on a Saturday, and I've just slammed my knee into a table and am gimping around and am already tired and so making fun of me is just really NOT going to help things) and I miss him and Monkey when I'm home. I will say that he isn't as fun as I'd hoped. A few days, maybe a week and a half, into our relationship, I asked him if he ever wanted to break up with me, would he do it via text message and to say he was breaking up with me because he'd been eaten by bears. He refused saying that breaking up with someone was something you did in person. He did say he'd think about the "I was eaten by bears" excuse though. Maybe there is hope.

Grown Up Life
Once again, I don't know how people are grown ups. I could have come home today, done minimal chores (seeing as my apartment stays clean since I'm never there anymore), drank beer, and watched 'Orange is the New Black' on Netflix. I know I'm late to the party on that but whatev. Instead, here is what I did after my 8 hour shift. I went home and spent an hour with Bubbles. Then I got in my car and went to the pet store for hay, food, and bedding for my lord and master guinea pig, went to the grocery store for the makings of the savory tart (one of my very favorite staple foods, thanks Laundress!), and then spent a fucking hour in traffic to drive the ten stupid miles to the Bat's place. Ugh. It rained in Texas today and a tractor trailer overturned and so, you know, jacked up. When I got to the Bat Cave, I hauled in all my shit and then ran to the bathroom because I had to skip to the loo like a mother fucker. Then I sucked it up and made dinner and put it in the oven.

Doesn't sound like much, does it? It isn't, I know. But when you are me? Yeah, that's way more than I ever do with myself after a day of work. It's like when I took Monkey to the mall after work and then got sent out for beer and cigarettes when we got back. This sort of thing makes me think back to when I was a kid and you know what?

1. This is why my mom would ask if she should get gas whilst we were out or should she get it on her way to work. She wanted to just be home but there was also the annoyance of having to do anything in the morning on her way to work.
2. No wonder my mom said "poison" whenever we'd ask what was for dinner when she cooked after work. I don't think we asked in a nasty tone or anything but my god, ask me what I'm making or make any comments on it if I'm making it right after getting home after an hour of jacked up traffic and I kind of want to punch you in the throat. 
3. It is not OK to ask mocking questions about one's commute/work day/mood if one has just walked in and you know damned well that they were miserable because the commute/work day/mood sucked.
4. I was an ungrateful, unaware, whiny little shit, even if I didn't say the thoughts out loud. 

Doing shit after work, besides drinking beer and watching Netflix, is for the fucking birds. First world problems of course, and I'm happy to have them, but it is a very strange feeling to be doing these grown up things like a proper adult. I honestly cannot imagine how people do the parenting thing. Go to work, take care of the kid (regardless of age) and do anything else ever. 

And I thought talking about weather/wanting to hear the traffic report desperately/chatting, in earnest about gas prices was the end of it. 

October's Beginning or Camping's Aftermath

Hello there. It is about 7:36 a.m. on Saturday and Batman is still asleep regardless of the fact that it was his alarm that went off (twice). But we also went to bed relatively early for two youngish people on a Friday night so up I am, listening to KERA and working on a scarf. Because 32-almost-33 is the new 72.

I feel better today than I have in the last week. I believe I mentioned that my body launched a full scale rebellion after the camping trip, my trapezoids or whateverazoids (AKA: muscles in my shoulders and back and forearms that had previously lain dormant) hurting like a son of bitch and making it difficult to lift my arms or pick anything up. I also pulled something in my left leg, though I'm not sure what. Not exactly a hamstring, maybe a glut muscle? That sounds like a glut rhymes with slut muscle which is funny because in my head I've hurt my glutton muscle by over indulging. But that isn't the point; no, the point is I pulled something and was limping around and then yesterday I tried to sit, cross legged, on my bed, when I twisted the fuck out of that hip and leg and ended up near tears on the floor trying to explain to Bubbles that I'd hurt myself (whilst trying to sit the fuck down) and that is why I was making those noises. She was unsympathetic. I was gimping around all day and it hurt even when I was just sitting there but whatever, I'm Wu-Tang so I powered through.

Then I got to the Bat's house and pretty much first thing, I whacked the shin of my good leg into his bed and bruised it. This morning? Whacked my left knee into a table trying to get out of his bedroom.

Oh, and did I mention the cold? Yeah, I woke up with a cold on Wednesday morning and felt so crumby I worked from home the rest of the week. I'm sure I got it from all that fresh air and swimming in a lake when it wasn't exactly warm outside and being around kids. But whatev, I'm doing way better now and I had a blast earning that cold. And I think it is on its way out, which I'm grateful for but a bit surprised by. Yes, I take a DMT to halt progression of my disease, but I always worry that when I get ill (which has happened somewhat frequently since my move to Texas) it'll linger longer than it used to because of the whole suppressed immune system thing. Whenever I read anything about the need for flu shots or protecting myself from germs or the sun in terms of MS, I read things about how I'll be out for the count for a really long time if I get sick. I guess I'm just very lucky to have relapsing remitting and to have enough of a *healthy* immune system to not fall into that category. Just as I've been grateful for this diagnosis since the day I received it (because, as I've said, it could have been traumatically, dramatically, terrifyingly worse), I am equally if not more grateful (graterful? full of graters) that I remain so healthy and functional.

What a whiner I sound like in this post. What's funny is that I find it all a bit comical. I hurt the fuck out of my hip/leg trying to sit down on my bed for crying out loud! It's like the time I hung up the phone in my mother's kitchen (back in the day phone, the kind that was mounted on the wall and had a cord) and turned and fell flat on my face for no good reason. At some point you realize that you need to go about your life thinking that the world is there to hurt you and bruise you so move more deliberately and thoughtfully stupid. Oh, and when you organize your giant black hole bag with the one pocket and you put your ibuprofen in there? Yeah, maybe take a few of those handy little pills to help with the immense pain you are feeling. It's like I've said to KC and the Sunshine Band (and many others) - I either need to wrap myself in bubble wrap or have a signed permission slip and chaperon for any and all outings. And I need to do an adult version of baby safing my apartment because clearly I don't understand the concept of my body in space and inanimate objects (seriously, you know how you find bruises on your body and you can't remember how you got them [not because you were wasted when it happened, just because you didn't register it in time?] I had one below my knee and I was musing as to how I could have gotten it when I whacked the exact same spot into Johan's cage again. And it isn't like his cage is in the way or even flush with a wall. I'm just special).

My cold seems to be on the way out. Yesterday wasn't terrible although I was very leaky and felt clammy and a bit run down. Last night I slept well and woke up with a cough but less leaking so I think I'm on the way out of illsville. I'm stoked because I miss going into the office. Don't get me wrong, working from home is a wonderful privilege and I appreciate that my boss has allowed me to utilize it so much this week. But I don't actually enjoy doing it too much. I've mentioned that before and it hasn't changed. One day a week is fine but multiple days just irritates me. I end up lonely and have to deal with Bubbles who has progressed from just laying on top of me/on top of my computer to meowing at me incessantly to meowing at me from another room causing me to think something was wrong. The first time she did that I jumped up and found her sitting on a chair in my bedroom just meowing. I guess she wanted to be petted and talked to in a different milieu. Yeah, I said milieu... lemme look it up 'right quick' to see if I used it right (isn't it usually for literary/dramatic writings when discussing setting? this isn't me looking it up... let me do that) ... according to dictionary.reference.com "surroundings, especially of a social or cultural nature:" so no, used it wrong unless I speak about my bedroom in the context of a social or cultural nature. She wanted to talk and be petted in a different room. That's right English majors, less is more unless you want to sound pretentious and stupid. I sometimes sound pretentious without meaning too; I prefer to just sound stupid without it being because I'm trying too hard. Digression over.

Anyhow. So things are good. Work was irritating me but I think it's really just me and my misunderstanding of the management organization (read: didn't know that I was supposed to be keeping a different manager up to date on my work because I thought I was just supposed to let MY manager know). But I'm feeling better about things now (hope I didn't jinx myself). With that said, it's time for me to get back to it. I want to make some head way on an issue that is enormous and laborious and I have some prep work to do before smoke testing tonight (yep, working on a Saturday night).

Felt good to write here again, even if it was rambly and not very well put together. That's what I like about my silly, unpopular, stream of consciousness blog. I can just tippity tappity type away and work through how I'm feeling. So yay! And sorry to those who read this and were bored. I'll have to text with Austin in order to get a better post for you three or four readers. Have a great weekend! 

Camping

This weekend I went on my first ever camping trip!

Yep, camping. Batman, Monkey, a friend of Monkey's, and I got into the very packed car around 7:30 Saturday morning and headed out for Daingerfield, Texas. It wasn't very far (maybe 2.5 hours) and the girls pretty much slept the whole way. When we reached Mount Pleasant we stopped at a Walmart for supplies and then drove to the next town for beer because MP is a dry county. Nothing like sitting outside a liquor store at 9:50 a.m. waiting for it to open to make you feel classy. But beer was purchased and we hoofed it to the campsite where we were able to select a prime spot and were advised to keep the beer in the tent because we weren't even technically supposed to have it (in fairness, the signs and things said no public drinking or open containers; nothing was said about no alcohol at all. Dude told us that tent campers weren't really supposed to have it, just those with caravans and those who rented cabins). We also should have made a reservation but we were in luck as there were still spots available.

I enjoyed myself tremendously. The Bat and I set up his enormous tent, in which we placed an air mattress. The girls shared a smaller tent and a smaller air mattress, and we all split the sleeping bags so that we'd have something to lay on and under. Hammocks were hung between trees, a fire was lit in the pit, and I set out the camping chairs. Before long we were roasting hot dogs and Monkey's friend, Squirrel, and I were playing with the machete. I got some really great pics of Squirrel faux attacking Monkey with said machete but they aren't my kids so I can't post them here. Suffice it to say that Squirrel looked demonic - and both these girls are tiny fourteen year old blonds who you could probably snap in half if you wanted to.

The Bat hurt his back pretty quickly, picking up the heavy cooler and pulling a muscle or something. "There I go thinking I'm 20 again" was his comment. That was a shame but he powered through and had a good time anyway. We swam in the lake, made smores, hiked, chopped down tiny branches with the ax, sat around the fire, and just chilled. There isn't really that much to say about a camping trip unless you take a bunch of pictures you can post, unfortunately. But I will say this: being older sucks. Usually I'm perfectly fine with being my age and I think your thirties are awesome, but tell that to the muscles in my body that hurt like a mother fucker. I swam the full length of the lake one time (everyone else did it two days in a row) and I swung an ax for all that I'm worth. Now I have all sorts of aching muscles in places I've never felt before and even the balls of my hands (you know, that fleshy part between your index finger and your thumb) hurt like a son of a bitch. Last night, after Squirrel had gone home and Batman dropped Monkey at another friend's house, the Bat looked at me as we sat on the couch and said "It's 7:30. There are no kids in the house... and I don't want to do a damned thing." We just sat on the couch watching television like geriatrics, not taking advantage of the fact that Monkey was at a sleepover and we could have adult sexy times. But nothing could have been sexier to me at that time than just laying still and falling asleep. I went to bed an hour later.

I'm still tired and sore as hell today, but it is getting a bit better. The Bat said next time we went Monkey had more friends who would probably go but I don't know if I can handle more than two 14 year old girls at a time. Some of the best parts of the trip were when everyone went to the store and I hung back and when everyone left the lake but I stayed to swim a bit. How parents do that I shit I don't know because having someone constantly around and wanting things from you or just making noise gets tiresome. I really enjoyed the experience of camping but being trapped with two young girls for an extended period of time is draining (although to be fair, Squirrel was pretty great because it was her first time camping as well so she was gun ho about everything... I think Monkey just found it annoying because it was old hat to her whilst Squirrel and I were all "look! I hit the right spot with the ax" and shit).

So yay for camping and boo for being back at work. Bubbles didn't seem too mad at me when I got home but I didn't really look all over for places where she may have peed. After work I'll try and spend some quality time with her before going back to the Bat Cave... if I go back to the Bat Cave. My back is killing me and right now I just want to lay down and take a freaking nap. 

Follow up to a texting conversation - and deep, deep shame

ME: "Catimer Purrtin. Why are we so fucking stupid? Sushi bar waiter guy came up with that. If you are not ashamed, we are no longer friends."

AUSTIN: "Awwwwwwww dammit! That's fucking perfect. Don't worry. I feel tremendous shame now."

ME: "Right? So disappointed in us."

AUSTIN: "That's pretty badass."

ME: "To our credit, we were badass with what we did."

AUSTIN: "We did. Sushi guy might just be some kind of genius. Sensai."

ME: "We were too focused on current events. It was too immediate for us to be THAT clever."

AUSTIN: "Hindsight is 20/20. Credit where credit is due. That shit is clever." 

Brief Update

I've been spending most of my days/nights with Batman ever since we met. Seriously, we've seen each other every day but one since we met and I spend the night there all the time. It's to the point where my own apartment feels boring as hell when I'm actually there. I go home in the mornings to feed and water the animals and I go home after work for quality time with them and more food and water. But for the most part, I'm at Batman's. I brought Johan to his place yesterday because we are going to drop him off with the Bat's parents when we go camping. Oy. Yesterday was exhausting in a I-usually-don't-do-shit-after-work sort of way. My commute to work is now 36 miles. put in my 8 hours and drove 26 miles home. Chilled for a bit and then put Sir Waddles into my car with his cage (and I didn't do it the smart way, taking the cage apart, but rather the stupid ass way of "I'll just lift the mother fucker as is and shimmy down the three flights of stairs".) Drove 10 miles to the Bat Cave, schlepped my stuff and Johan's stuff into the house, and then sat down for a bit. Monkey was being dropped off just as I got there but the Bat was out doing stuff so it was just the two of us for a bit. Then I took Monkey to Macy's to get her lipstick and eyeliner because she needs it for drill team and the stuff she had was shit and if she is going to wear make up, goddamnit, she is going to know what she is doing. My mother didn't teach me and I know what a nightmare that can be so I took her to get professional advice on what red to wear because I couldn't figure out her coloring and to get her a decent eyeliner (I knew that one, deep green, so props to me). We also stopped at Walgreen's so I could get her some makeup brushes. When we got back, Bat asked if I had $20 to borrow and I was all "yeah, but you have to go to the ATM". Somehow that meant the Monkey and I going back the same way we'd just come to get money out using his ATM card and, whilst on route, being asked to stop at the gas station to get a 12 pack of beer because his buddy Phoenix was coming over.

I didn't really do ANYTHING but I was in my car a lot and just wanted to relax but had chores to do. This is why I knew I'd never make a good parent. Too much running around after a long day of work and a shitty commute to be a decent person about it.

The Bat had dinner ready for us when we got back though. So Monkey and I ate and chatted whilst he and Phoenix played video games. Bat got called out to work so he went out and I read till he got back. A few more games and then Phoenix left and the Bat and I watched most of a movie before going to bed. Very domestic, very cozy, very "we've been together for a shorter amount of time than this feels but this feels awesome".

Oh, and I had to put Johan into Bat's bedroom after a bit because one of the dogs kept barking. Bat put the dogs out that night when Luci, the barker, barked again. Awesome.

Still, it was a really fulfilling night in that it felt right and like I'm sharing a life with someone. Well, I'm sharing two lives, one with Batman and one with Monkey. Monkey is kickass by the way. And she seems to like me. She has said to me that it isn't weird that I'm always there (because I mused out loud that I thought it was) and the Bat told me he'd asked her if it bothered her, having me there all the time. She said no, that she liked it. He says it's partly to do with the fact that it means he bothers her less. Another part, I think, is that I help her with her chores. Because chores fucking suck and many hands lighten the burden and all that. The makeup was just icing on the cake but I told her exactly why I was doing it. "You are fourteen years old, you have to wear it for drill team, and one day you might want to wear it. I want you to know what you are doing so you don't look like and overly painted up tart and I know your dad doesn't give a shit and this is one of the few things I have to offer you." She thanked me and was a bit worried about the cost "don't tell your father. Do you know how much it was? No? Good. Just say you don't know, which is true, and if he asks me,I'll just tell him to mind his own business because it's my money." Did it score me bonus points? Maybe. But that wasn't my point. I'm not looking to buy this kid's love.

I think we are still going camping this weekend. We were going to drive to Kansas to pick up Other Daughter, a girl from Italy who was an exchange student of the Bat and Monkey's, but the overnight temps are going to be too low. The plan now is to go, with two of Monkey's friends, to a more local place, somewhere in Texas. It depends on the weather and the government shut down, I suppose, since a number of parks in Northern Texas have shut their gates to the public. If we go, awesome, because I've never been camping and it will be fun. If we don't, meh, I'll be fine. I'm not looking forward to leaving Bubbles alone for an entire weekend, even with extra food and water. I'm working from home today and so I'm spending time with her, but I hate leaving her so much so I'm going to have to taper off the amount of time I spend away from home. No way would the dogs at Batman's place be accepting of her.

Other than that, I've got nothing. Work is work and I still like it and still bitch about it. Life is life and ditto (though I like it a lot more than I bitch, thankfully). I got two post cards from when my mom was in England and we found out that maybe SIL's situation isn't as dire as we originally thought (I may have posted that already so my bad). All in all, things are good right now. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'm being super cautious emotionally with the Bat because the last guy who was super nice in the beginning turned on me. Wish me luck.