Third Time's the Charm Except When It Isn't

The bat and I broke up. Again. We lasted almost seven months this time for a total of three and a half years together off and on. Why did we break up? Because when I've asked him about living together in the future, he hasn't been able to say anything along the lines of "yes, once I sell the house and get Monkey settled into the next chapter of her life, I figure we can start looking for a new place." After three and a half years, he doesn't want to plan for a future together and he doesn't want to live with me.

It isn't the worst thing in the world, the hesitancy to cohabitate. The issue is the very real sense I get that I'm just a stop gap girl for him. Once Monkey goes off to college, the bat will be able to live his life in a different way, no longer worrying and looking after his child all the time. Don't get me wrong, Monkey will still be his number one priority, he'll just have far less responsibility and she far more autonomy. He'll get to start traveling and doing all the things he's put on hold in order to raise her. And that is fantastic and I'm happy for him. But it's been clear to me for some time now that I'm not part of this next stage. He told me once that he was in this for the long haul, for as long as I'd have him but he can't answer "yes" when asked "do you want to live with me?"

I'm too old for this type of relationship. I'm not a casual dater and at thirty six I do not want to be with a man that I see three days a week. I don't want to have a relationship commute for pity's sake. The bat lives nine miles from me, which isn't a great amount of distance but I already drive twenty three miles one way just to get to work. At the end of a stressful day, I would like to come home to someone who loves me and who is genuinely happy to see me (I think I stole that line from How to Get Away With Murder). I certainly don't want to continue living in my hood-ass apartment complex with Weed Matt leering at me and my stingy-on-the-hot-water shower.

The bat is a great guy. He's charming and affectionate and he makes me laugh. I enjoy being with him physically, just sitting on the sofa watching movies. He has a lot of great qualities and he isn't a bad guy because he doesn't want to build a life with me. But I can't continue to be with him, feeling like a stop gap girl, when there is a chance that there is a man who wants to build life with me is waiting. Love and happiness do not march up to your door and announce themselves. Mr. Right isn't going to pull the bat aside when we are having drinks at Kyoto and tell him "sorry to break this to you, but I'm supposed to be with her, not you." So I'm freeing myself up to hopefully find this person. And the bat is free to find someone who wants way less than I.

It was a fairly abrupt ending and I've deleted his number and he's unfriended me on Facebook (I feel ridiculous typing that but it is a real thing and it feels strange). We haven't spoken since he stopped by after work to pick up his belongings. Well, we messaged a bit this morning because I left something at his house and he accidentally gave me some of the Monkey's things when he brought bits and pieces I'd left at his house. But that isn't exactly talking, especially as it as just practical. We are done. I am sad and will continue to be so for some time but eventually things will improve and I'll be happy again. Last night my friend agreed to go to Happy Hour with me because Tuesdays were the days the bat spent at my place. Two other friends ended up joining us and I had a great time and it was the perfect distraction. I have really good people in my life who will help me get through this.

But for right now, I'm sad and I'm having to remind myself over and over again that he was never going to be "the guy" and that I deserve "the guy".  Hopefully I'll stop thinking about it altogether relatively soon.

Till then, I'm sad. And that's OK. 

Ragey Before 6 in the Morning

Oh for fuck's sake. Remember how I JUST talked about how the Bat and I talked about the fact that I'm his girlfriend and not just some person in his house and it would be nice if he'd be nice to me and then he took me on a picnic? I shit you not when I say he was a dick before 6 a.m. this morning.

We were laying in bed, cuddling, as we were trying to get as much as we could out of those last twenty minutes before we absolutely had to get out of bed. I made a comment about how he really likes part of my body because he's particularly fondly with it (head north, not south) in the a.m. I was just musing out loud, not fishing for compliments or anything, but the fucker said "no." And he said it in such a way that it took me a few seconds to realize that he wasn't serious but was just being a dick.

What the fuck? He rarely says nice things to me, he never compliments me, and now, apparently, he is going to go out of his way to be a dick for no reason? Our conversation as I was leaving went like this:

Him: "You aren't going to give me a kiss?"
Me: "No. You're a dick."
Him: "I know."
Me: "I'm not rewarding dickish behavior."

So now I'm annoyed and feel like an idiot but am also really frustrated because throw me a fucking bone mother fucker. I can handle the fact - no, I have been handling the fact - that he isn't romantic, doesn't pay compliments, and doesn't often say nice things. But to be a dick like that at roughly 5:45 a.m. is just unacceptable.

Why do I feel like an idiot? Because this whole thing irritates me to the point of considering passive aggressive behavior along the lines of "well fine, I'm not doing shit for the guy anymore" or "when I get home I'm holing up in my room and he can go fuck himself." And that isn't who I am at all. I hate that shit. So, as I said, annoyed and feeling like an idiot.

Fucking boys, dude.

Lovely Weekend of Normal People Stuff

Broken Bow, Oklahoma
I think I've spoken before about how I enjoy doing normal people stuff. J and I lived like hermits for so fucking long and we never really did the things normal couples do. We'd go out to the pub every Sunday afternoon, but we wouldn't have people over or go to other peoples' homes very often. And we never went to a wine tasting or a romantic get away or anything like that. So when I started going on little monthly casino trips with Tits, I mentally categorized it as "normal people stuff". They go places with a good friend. When I started the Broad Summit, that, too, was categorized as "normal people stuff". They get a group of girls together for the occasional happy hour.

I'm not blaming my lack of normal people stuff activity on J. For whatever reason, I just never got out there and made friends until my last year in the state. I had plenty of friends at work, but it wasn't until my final year that I started to socialize with them outside of the office. J and I were just both weirdly reclusive for whatever reason (well, I'd say the nature of his work for him). These days I do a lot of things normal people do. I don't have any friends of my own yet, but the Bat and I very often have people over or go over to people. And this weekend, I jumped into the deep end of normal people activity when I accompanied the Bat to a couples' weekend in Oklahoma.

One of his friends was celebrating her 30th birthday and rented a very expensive, very cute cabin in Broken Bow and invited others to join her. The literature said is slept 8 and the Bat and I thought there would be, at most, five couples including us, so we brought a tent and all the camping gear; essentially, we brought our own room. It was a really fun time and I had a blast. The first night was the usual sort of thing where people show up at different times and you all end up drinking and chatting and then going to sleep.

Saturday, for whatever reason, we all woke up super early (well, the Bat and I had the excuse of being outside with all the animals who start to stir and scream at the first glimpse of light) but were curiously slow to get moving. I was very antsy so eventually the Bat and I headed out. What did we do? Well that nice man took me on my first ever real picnic. He'd wanted it to be a surprise but that didn't happen, and he wanted it to include some canoeing, which also didn't happen (lake was too low and the place was closed). But it was really nice nonetheless. We walked onto the island/peninsula area of the lake, which was in a pretty area, and had our sandwiches and fruit and water. He'd wanted me to have wine but we didn't have any. He told me that it was part of his trying to be more thoughtful, stemming from a conversation about how I was starting to feel like a piece of furniture in his life, something comfortable and useful. He doesn't say nice things any more, he doesn't do nice gestures, and well, see the awful Valentine's Day. I told him that the only reason I knew he still liked me was because I was still there in his life. So we talked about it and he told me that he just needs the occasional reminder that not everyone thinks or feels like he does. He apologized for how he'd made me feel, and said he'd try harder to acknowledge and respond to my feelings in the future.

That was nice of him. I don't need grand gestures, just small things to let me know that he does care for me and I'm not just in his life because he enjoys my company and the sex.

After we ate we lay in the sun for awhile before walking along the rocks. Then we hooked up with some of the other couples at a winery where we tasted about 25 wines a piece and the Bat and I bought 5 bottles. This was perfect for the next activity, which saw all three of the winery couples going to a spillway to join a couple who were fishing. We sat and drank wine and just chatted and looked out on the water. Some of the guys decided it would be fun to throw rocks at the buoys in another area because, well, I guess that is what guys do. Eventually, once enough of us had to pee and too many other people were about for girls to pee in public (there were no bushes), we all headed back to the cabin where we proceeded to drink too much wine and pass out. I went down first. It was awesome. 

Next morning the Bat and I headed home and, when we got there, we both said 'fuck it' and left everything in the car so we could take a nap. Before taking a nap we did, of course, moan and groan and espouse the wonders of his bed which had never felt so good before. It wasn't just that we'd been sleeping on an air mattress but that we are both old and out of shape so that little bit of hiking up the spillway was enough to have us - along with the other couples - aching terribly when we woke up. But my god! That bed is a wondrous thing and it was all we could do to not roll around in it like a couple of pigs in mud.

I did the bulk of the unpacking because I was up first and figured I owed the Bat since he did all the packing in the first place. Then he relaxed and watched television and caught up with the Monkey when she got home whilst I did chores here and there. And then, sadly, the weekend came to an end and we had to go to sleep.

But it was an amazing time and I'm really glad that we did it. Normal People Stuff is rad as hell.

I win... because everyone is a participant

Not really killing it at being a grownup. Yesterday was a crap day at work and I knew I had to do the following afterwards:

1. Go to the pet store
2. Go to the people store
3. Go home to get some pills/check mail
4. Take the Bat to the mechanic to drop off a car
5. Clean Johan's cage

As previously stated, I despise doing anything after work that isn't sitting around with a beer or glass of wine. Stopping home wasn't a huge deal because it is on the way but the rest of it was annoying and time consuming and I just get really tired of driving. Which is why the Bat pissed me off so bad. 

We were at the mechanic's place when he informed me that we were also going to stop at Target so that Monkey could look for tights and a tutu (I don't know, something to do with Halloween I think). I just looked at him and he laughed at me. I think my utter silence (save for when I told him to shut up, then apologized for being bitchy but I DO NOT WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW) and death grip on the steering wheel eventually told him that I was annoyed. 

No, stopping at Target wasn't that big of a deal but please do not volunteer me for anything. EVER. Especially not when it means being in my car for longer. I'm not really sure why he thought it wouldn't be problematic. Dude drives a ton for work so he understands not wanting to drive anywhere afterwards. I guess he doesn't realize how much it irritates me because he doesn't have to drive through downtown Dallas, which is a soul suck. ----Quick aside, why are the KVIL morning traffic reporter chicks so fucking gleeful? Honestly, the one today almost giggled whilst saying "Not much has changed ... which is not good news for those traveling west on LBG highway 635!" But she and the other chick who is usually there, are just so damned happy about reporting on terrible traffic. I told Tits that I imagine them looking like the flying monkeys from the original Wizard of Oz just sitting in the studio gazing at the gridlock and omnishambles, doing the Mister Burns hands thing and laughing at us all because they got to work at 4:30 and never experience nightmare traffic. She commented that I'd put a lot of thought into it. I told her it's a long commute.----

Anyhow. After Target we all went back to the Bat Cave and the Bat and Monkey got into his car to go elsewhere while I went inside to clean the pig cage and take a shower and stomp around and pour myself the first of many glasses of wine. I stayed in the bedroom for a large part of the evening because I was not fit to be around humans and didn't want to snap at the Bat. Yes, he irritated the hell out of me, but I also knew it was something really small and petty and so I just wanted to decompress and chill out because even though I was irritated, I knew it had more to do with having a shitty day and not wanting to drive and blah blah than it did with anything terrible on his part. 

That's why I've made myself a ribbon. Yeah, it isn't that great, but then again, look what I am awarding it to myself for. Clearly I'm not putting that much effort into anything these days. 

Girl Brain Revisited

I have a bad habit of texting BFF and asking her if she is pregnant. I always have a reason such as "I totally dreamed that you were preggo again" or "hmm, she is vaguebooking... welp, must be preggo" but still, I need to cut that shit out because it isn't very flattering. I know I wouldn't like to be asked if I was pregnant all the time. And I wouldn't be all gracious like BFF is either. I'd be all "are you saying I'm fat?" and "how dare you even suggest such a thing!?" etc. etc.

That wasn't leading up to anything. I just think it's weird that I text this poor girl and randomly ask if she is pregnant from time to time.

Things are good. Nothing too exciting, which is why I've been quiet (things are not awful so no whining and things are boring so I got nothing). I'm actually happy. More to the point, the Bat makes me happy. And so, of course, I'm terribly nervous. And I said stupid stuff last night out of nowhere. The Bat isn't a love guy. He doesn't fall in love and doesn't want love. For some reason that bothered me a lot last night. I told him I wanted love so we'd have to break up. I cried (cause I'm me and I cry) because I really like the guy and am happy with him.

Remember girl brain? Yeah, she's a cunt. I think it's really a forest for the trees thing. I want to feel special. I want to be treated a certain way not because I'm his girlfriend and that is how you are supposed to treat your girlfriend but because he likes me. Well, do I feel special? Yes. Do I feel like he likes me? Yes. Am I happy? Yes. So what the fuck is my problem?

My problem is that this is a really nice guy who treats me well on a consistent basis. It's been a month and he has yet to morph into a gigantic asshole. Even my mother said she couldn't believe I met a guy who is nice to me. She didn't mean it like it sounds but I knew what she meant right away. I'm not doing all the work. I'm not starved for affection or attention. Homeboy is actively kind to me and makes me feel wanted and appreciated. So I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and since it hasn't, girl brain is looking for problems. Because this sort of happiness doesn't happen to me. Stupid girl brain.

Do I really mind if he never falls in love with me? No, actually, I don't. At first it bothered me but that was ego. Truthfully, love isn't something that I'm worried about and considering how cautious I'm being emotionally, it would be unfair of me to want more of an investment from him. "I'm not going to love you but you have to love me because I'm the girl, so there."

Sometimes I just really need to shut my brain off and enjoy life instead of letting girl brain swoop in and cause unnecessary problems. That is a new goal for me: enjoy life and ignore girl brain; she's just a trouble maker.

Also, it would be really rad if I could get all the self awareness before I say shit out loud and embarrass myself. I feel like an idiot for crying last night. I'll make that a goal as well: don't speak until you've really thought shit through. Like that will ever happen.

And at 32, I seem to have grown up... a teeny, tiny bit

Like a Lighting Fixture
I was going to stay at my place last night. I thought I'd have a girl's night in and hang out with Bubbles and, you know, make my apartment earn the rent that I pay every month. Since meeting Batman, I've hung out at his place pretty consistently and don't even remember when I last spent the night in my apartment. Hell, on Saturday I helped with chores around the Bat Cave just because I'm there so often. So I told the Bat of my plans and started to make a list of what I wanted to do with myself. I got my eyebrows waxed, put on a mud mask, cleaned the litter box, put away dishes, watched some Net Flix, started a new scarf. Lovely. Only here's the thing: I got sent home from work around 12:45 because our power went out at 11:45 and they didn't know what time it would be back on (I think a car accident caused the outage as it was more than just our building). So I ended up home at 2 PM and by 5:30 was bored and missed the Bat and Monkey. Needless to say, I still have not slept in my own bed.

When Monkey got home yesterday, before I turned up, she asked her dad where I was. He told her I wasn't coming over and her immediate reaction was to look at him and say "what did you do?" Nice to know the kid will take my side first. I guess I'm a fixture in her life.

And his. I've been with the Bat for nearly a month now (it will be a month on Friday) and we spend a lot time together and it feels 'right' for lack of a better term. I don't get annoyed with him (save for when he makes fun of me when it is early in the morning, I'm awake because his fucking alarm went off on a Saturday, and I've just slammed my knee into a table and am gimping around and am already tired and so making fun of me is just really NOT going to help things) and I miss him and Monkey when I'm home. I will say that he isn't as fun as I'd hoped. A few days, maybe a week and a half, into our relationship, I asked him if he ever wanted to break up with me, would he do it via text message and to say he was breaking up with me because he'd been eaten by bears. He refused saying that breaking up with someone was something you did in person. He did say he'd think about the "I was eaten by bears" excuse though. Maybe there is hope.

Grown Up Life
Once again, I don't know how people are grown ups. I could have come home today, done minimal chores (seeing as my apartment stays clean since I'm never there anymore), drank beer, and watched 'Orange is the New Black' on Netflix. I know I'm late to the party on that but whatev. Instead, here is what I did after my 8 hour shift. I went home and spent an hour with Bubbles. Then I got in my car and went to the pet store for hay, food, and bedding for my lord and master guinea pig, went to the grocery store for the makings of the savory tart (one of my very favorite staple foods, thanks Laundress!), and then spent a fucking hour in traffic to drive the ten stupid miles to the Bat's place. Ugh. It rained in Texas today and a tractor trailer overturned and so, you know, jacked up. When I got to the Bat Cave, I hauled in all my shit and then ran to the bathroom because I had to skip to the loo like a mother fucker. Then I sucked it up and made dinner and put it in the oven.

Doesn't sound like much, does it? It isn't, I know. But when you are me? Yeah, that's way more than I ever do with myself after a day of work. It's like when I took Monkey to the mall after work and then got sent out for beer and cigarettes when we got back. This sort of thing makes me think back to when I was a kid and you know what?

1. This is why my mom would ask if she should get gas whilst we were out or should she get it on her way to work. She wanted to just be home but there was also the annoyance of having to do anything in the morning on her way to work.
2. No wonder my mom said "poison" whenever we'd ask what was for dinner when she cooked after work. I don't think we asked in a nasty tone or anything but my god, ask me what I'm making or make any comments on it if I'm making it right after getting home after an hour of jacked up traffic and I kind of want to punch you in the throat. 
3. It is not OK to ask mocking questions about one's commute/work day/mood if one has just walked in and you know damned well that they were miserable because the commute/work day/mood sucked.
4. I was an ungrateful, unaware, whiny little shit, even if I didn't say the thoughts out loud. 

Doing shit after work, besides drinking beer and watching Netflix, is for the fucking birds. First world problems of course, and I'm happy to have them, but it is a very strange feeling to be doing these grown up things like a proper adult. I honestly cannot imagine how people do the parenting thing. Go to work, take care of the kid (regardless of age) and do anything else ever. 

And I thought talking about weather/wanting to hear the traffic report desperately/chatting, in earnest about gas prices was the end of it. 

Out with the Old and in with the Right Now (warning to family: I talk about sex)

(Alternative Title: In Which I Appear to be a Slut)

I broke up with Murdoch.I actually called him this time. Twice. Because of course he wasn't going to answer his phone. So I called and left a message. I later emailed him one of those terrible emails you send to someone you break up with. You start out saying that you don't understand how you can miss the person and you end up figuring out just what an asshole that person really is. His immediate reaction to my panic attacks/nervous breakdown was "we should take some time apart". Some time apart my ass.

But that isn't important. The day after I dumped him, I called Guitar Hero*, the guy I went to the lake with. We went to lunch that afternoon and he sounded a bit bitter. Apparently the dating scene has not been good to him. Later that evening, he called me up to see what I was doing and asked if I wanted company. I figured "fuck it, why not" and he came over. We drank some beer and sat on my patio and bullshitted back and forth. It was companionable and nice. He stayed over to avoid drunk driving but there was no hanky panky. He did seem less bitter though.

And I saw him again Wednesday. This would be our fourth time hanging out and I shit you not, he actually texted me and said that he hadn't liked the date he'd been on the night before and wouldn't be seeing her again. OK, that doesn't seem odd so I should have held off on the "I shit you not" part until here: he then asked if he could ask me a bold question about what he'd been wondering and I said go for it and he said he wondered if we were sexually compatible and would I be open to trying that tonight.

Right? So I said what any girl in my position (just dumped my boyfriend, whom I had not seen since August 14th when I picked up the cat and who was an utter dick) would say: "Bring condoms."

The rest of the day there was a bunch of back and forth about what do you like sexually and this and that and I'm not going to get into it because although I know I do the TMI thing (fuck you, it's my blog), I do have some limits. At one point I asked if he would bring me some cheap flowers or something just to make it feel a little less clinical/instructive, and he said sure and he brought me some Bethlehem Stars, flowers I've never received before. They're lovely and smell like summer time.

We drank and hung out for awhile before getting down to business. I was so incredibly nervous. I told Tits (who I'd been treating as my Twitter feed all day) that it was like I was 17 and going to prom and worrying about what my boyfriend's expectations were. But in the end, it worked out fine. I'll only say two things about the sex itself:

1. These East Texas boys really know what they were doing. One of my regrets about Murdoch was that the sex was so good. GH to the rescue; and
2. Tits was right. One of the fastest ways to get over someone is to get under somebody else.

So I'm a four date girl these days I guess. I think I'd hung out with Murdoch four times as well before we had at it. GH and I have made it clear to one another that we aren't committing to any form of serious relationship (aren't we just so modern) and are, as he put it "going to just hang out and satisfy the hell out of one another maybe a few times a week." I guess the term is friends with benefits (or for the more conservative of you, a guy and a slut) but it works fine for me. I don't want a real relationship, not yet, not after my last one. And I don't see GH and I being anything serious ever. I think in the end we'll just be friends (sans benefits).

I do still miss Murdoch sometimes, as much as I hate to say that. He wasn't all bad. But thinking back, I'm not stunned at my behavior, jumping into bed with a new guy so seemingly soon. Like I said, I hadn't seen Murdoch since 8/14 and that was just to pick up the cat. We had a huge fight that night and although we made it up, he barely spoke to me until he just totally jetted. The last time I hung out with him at all properly was 8/10. Going so long without speaking to me. Being fine without any contact at all. Text only communication. Maybe see him for three hours once a week. What kind of relationship is that? The sort I want to avoid ever having again. That's the nice thing about GH. We are both figuring out what exactly we want and we are figuring out who is going to give it to us. In the meantime, we have each other for company and for biological needs (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs anyone?) 

That and, like I said, the raise those boys right in East Texas.   

*He plays guitar and is really into heavy metal music, something I am familiar with from my old married lady days. Thus, Guitar Hero.

part of a pair again

16
Well, I'm feeling pretty stupid. Remember how I went out on a date and it was pretty nice? What I didn't mention is that I received a text from Murdoch during the date saying "OK, I'm done being mad about you breaking up with me. I understand. Thanks for letting me be part of your life for a little while. It was pretty great. Most of the time."

I was, to use a Dear Abby expression, floored. That night I texted him back saying I'd never imagined I'd hear from him again and I let him know that he had made an impression on me. The next morning we ended up texting back and forth and he told me some really shocking things. He said I was a really good girlfriend, that he thought I deserved good things in my life, and that he was really upset about the break up. All this from a guy I didn't think liked me.

We talked that night. We fought a bit about the fact that I'd gone on a date but we ended up back together. The next night I went to his place and actually slept over. We both have work to do with regards to communication but I think we are both relieved that we're still together.

I just feel like a jackass because I wasn't ready to date and that was a shitty thing to do to a nice guy. And it feels really dumb to have told everyone that I'd broken up with this guy only to be back together with him. Is that some high school bullshit or what? No, seriously. I didn't date, like at all, in high school so I don't know.

Link a Dink
One of my favorite websites ever. It bills itself as "The most profane fucking start page on the goddamned internet" which makes it seem like it's just some bullshit. But the site links you to some really interesting stuff (I presently have multiple tabs open in my browser, all from that site). And it's always awesome when someone else does the work for you and puts together a page of useful links. I wonder if I can access the site from work. So, in the spirit of FHP, here are some links:

Really? What the fuck is wrong with people? National Lazy Day? National Hot Dog Day? I don't get why we need so many pseudo holidays or why a nation as fat as the U.S. would want to embrace food days and lazy days.

Although, full disclosure, I'm an advocate of National Clitoris Awareness Week.

This is pretty freaking neat, isn't it? But how do you NOT know where you are burgling?

Because this shit is just too weird and creepy to not make you want to know more about it. I think Jenna Elfman actually talked about going around and uncovering the lizard people once. And when you have a problem, you break out the clay table and sculpt your problems away. OK, at least that's what I've been told by a non-expert (my ex-husband). But a quick google search found a quote from someone called KolKol as part of a forum discussion on clay tables in 2008: "From what I understand, clay demoing of "cycle of action" somehow will give you the ability to finish cycles of action better than before. similar with the other concepts that I clay demoed. Is that correct?"

Because we all know I'm constantly looking for something to do at work... you know, other than work.

And last, but certainly not least, here you go. Seems simple yes? But come on, we all fucking love it.

FAIL and more FAIL

Life
Broke up with Murdoch. I decided to call it a day because we were clearly on different pages and I didn't like how I felt or who I seemed to be. I felt clingy and needy and I'm neither one and not about to let a guy make me feel that way. I tried calling but, surprise surprise, he didn't answer. So I emailed him, told him I hoped he and his were OK (this was Monday and I barely heard two words out of him since Friday early evening) and then told him I was ending it. He's a lovely guy and I wish him the best but I need more from a relationship. That's fine and it doesn't make me a bad person or high maintenance. He can't or won't give it to me. That's fine, that doesn't make him a bad person. Poor timing I suppose.

People keep asking if I heard back from him and I keep saying "at the end he barely spoke to me when we were together. Why would he talk to me now?"

Disappointing and a bummer but better to get out of it now when I know it just isn't going to work. I gave it a shot and tried my best but some things just aren't meant to be. I'll collect myself, get passed it, and probably sign up for a dating site when I'm ready.

Work
I have no idea what is going on at work but this weird thing happened yesterday. I was in a meeting and I volunteered to do someone's testing and documentation. She was cool with it. I then proceeded to work on it only to find out that my manager asked someone else to do it instead. No explanation as to why but I kind of feel insulted or like I was just given a pat on the head and handed a bouncey ball to play with.

This, obviously, affects my morale, as did the hangover I had yesterday (yesterday was Tuesday and after breaking up with Murdoch I thought "yeah, I'm going to drink too much tonight because that is going to make me feel better"). Did you know you can google "how to waste time at work" and find options? One of my favorites was along the lines of "I've found that no one will question you if you walk around with a clipboard looking serious". That and looking at those demotivational posters is good for a few moments of time murdering. My favorite by far has the caption:

Coming to Work: I don't really mind but, I mean, this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit.

It is my desktop wallpaper.

In other shitty work news, people can't stop telling me that an old coworker died yesterday. He was a really good guy and worked in IT in the Ohio office. Had been with the company for something like 15 years and was really part of what people like to refer to as "the culture." That office will not be the same. He was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer a few months ago and it moved quickly. It's very sad news and it doesn't get any less sad the number of times you are told.

Fucking cancer.

 

Office Time Murdered

Waste
I am in a very ridiculous mood. Disenchanted perhaps? I don't know. I think the hip young person terminology circa 2003 would be that I'm simply not feeling it. I am at work, retooling some UAT documentation, wishing I had an interesting task before me, and feeling bored and lonely.

Murdoch and I talked last night. I pissed him off by accident when I failed to use a gender specific pronoun when I texted to let him know I'm going to a rodeo on Saturday evening. I said "with someone from work" rather than "with a woman from work." Honestly, I said "someone" because the circumstances are silly and borderline creepy. I all but accosted this woman in the hallway, asking if she was So and So. She said yes and asked who I was and I had to explain that oh no, she doesn't know me, I just remember her from when she came to the Columbus office a couple of years ago. Why the fuck did I do that? Just to confirm that I remembered her name? That's creepy. But we chatted a bit and she said she'd like to go to the Mesquite Rodeo, I sent her a link and next thing you know, Bob's your uncle and I have $62 on my desk to give to her for my ticket (good seats and free food and booze).

But that is neither here nor there. Murdoch and I started talking about how you can't see yourself the way others do. Or else, he called me and started teasing me and telling me I was insane to believe that pictures weren't really what we look like or that pictures are the same as a mirror's reflection. I fought my side pretty hard. We weren't having an actual argument and it was all playful but I suddenly found myself really wanting to prove that I was right. In fact, I just took a minute to google various words yet again only to be met with defeat (FYI: If you type "Pictures" into the google bar, the first or second suggested phrase is "of herpes"). It was fun, even though it turns out I was wrong, and it was nice to actually hear from him for a change. On the phone and everything. I know, right? All fancy with my walking talkie box.

So that was that.

Now I feel flat and empty and annoyed. I feel weirdly hopeful as well. I guess it's a sense of baseless anticipation, like something good is going to happen any minute now and I'm just waiting for it only who the fuck knows what is going to happen next?

But at least I killed a few minutes. Back to whatever it is that I do. And a trip to the ladies because I have been drinking cup after cup of water. 

Girl Brain (or Mind Fuck)

Can someone please explain the evolutionary advantage to "girl brain"? Murdoch and I got into a huge fight in the middle of last week. When he gets stressed out, he totally shuts down and I don't hear from him. In this case, I hadn't heard from him for over 48 hours. I wanted to ask if he needed a break but I couldn't because I am incapable of expressing myself emotionally. Seriously, I have a semi paralytic fear of asking for help or telling someone what I need. So I mentally stutter and shit comes out wrong so I said "I think we should take a break." He took that to mean a break up, got pissed off, said some nasty things, wouldn't listen to me, etc. I didn't handle myself tremendously well because I was trying to express my needs whilst simultaneously explaining that I understand that his life is super stressful right now, etc.

We made up, things were tepid, and he invited me over for Saturday evening. Then he got really sick and I've barely heard from him this entire week. So I know he is sick and I know he shuts down but, because he is so unresponsive, I feel stupid and I'm doing that girl brain mind fuck obsession thing. Obviously he's gone off of me and my relationship is over. That's clear. You know, regardless of the fact that Murdoch is the kind of guy who would just tell me it was over if it was. Nah, the guy who is extremely blunt and direct is suddenly passively aggressively sending me a message.

Girl. Brain. Mind. Fuck.

I have seriously lived out an entire relationship in my head in the span of thirty minutes because of girl brain. How is this at all advantageous? How is that going to aid me in my biological pursuit of propagating my unique genetic profile? "Mmm, you know who I want to make babies with? An insane girl who lives in her head, is afraid to talk about how she feels, lives in an imaginary world in that girl brain of hers, and is utterly neurotic. That shit brings the boys to the yard."

Tits and I talk about girl brain a lot these days. I've got whatever is going on with Murdoch and she is forging ahead into the world of online dating. We are great at reassuring one another and then, when we say goodbye, we both go back to the self torture and self doubt. Stupid girl brain. Do men have a boy brain that fucks with them? I find that doubtful. Then again, what I don't know about men could fit into an old fashioned, hard cover, complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica so, you know...

Seriously, it's a labyrinthine and vicious circle of madness. Murdoch is sick so he has to cancel with me. Bummer, but totally cool. Murdoch gets sicker and I don't hear from him much. That sucks but you know, people get sick. Murdoch remains sick and his youngest gets it. Shit, that fucking sucks. I can't imagine dealing with a four year old who is super sick because kids don't know that it's going to get better (and that it will happen again). Still don't hear from the erstwhile boyfriend and start imming with Tits about feeling neglected and clingy and ridiculous. Start feeling like a suffragette for my own cause and make promises to myself. Get pissy about how sex with Murdoch was really fucking good and it is annoying to no longer have the attention of someone who was really fucking good. Start feeling like a complete asshole because everything but the facts that Murdoch and his son are both ill and that Murdoch does not text much when he is ill apparently, is totally made up by girl brain and I'm torturing myself for no reason.* What is more, Murdoch's kid could be on a fucking ventilator or something and here I am, being pissy because he hasn't been chatty. That, too, is courtesy of girl brain.

No wonder solitary confinement is a punishment. 

Not that I want babies, mind you. It's just that the closest thing to a reason for life that I know of is breed-to-keep-the-species-thriving one. And, as I asked as to the evolutionary advantage of girl brain, I had to use babies in my example.

In other news, because I refuse to just have a post about how I'm insanely insecure, I finally started reading again. I think I stopped for about two weeks but it felt like an eternity. Today is Independence Day and I am very appropriately reading a biography of a very patriotic individual who risked life and limb for country. Granted, Christine Granville was a beautiful Polish woman who, during World War II served as a spy for British intelligence, but still, patriotism is patriotism. I keep coming across names that I have no clue how to pronounce and think "I'll ask Magneto at work how to pronounce this" because Magneto is Polish and I guess that is what you do when you know someone from a different country. Ask them stupid questions.

Also, and I'll end with this, I had a status meeting with my boss recently. She told me, in the very kindest of ways, all the things I'm doing wrong and all the things I need to think about when it comes to my work. That sucked pretty bad but she made it clear that she wasn't expecting me to know everything and she offered to hook me up with some resources. One of the things I do wrong is the way I write business specs, the language I use. Well, not really. I wrote this one spec and I just wrote the way I normally do because it was a retrospec and no one was going to have to read it so it didn't matter what language I used. I didn't say fuck, shit, cunt, etc. or anything. I just mean I used terms like erroneous and whilst. My boss told me that she had been entertained by the spec and that she was well aware that I wrote with flare and had a real appreciate of language and words but that it was better suited to a book or a blog, not a technical document.

I thought that was fun. I had no idea I was being entertaining. 


*Well, the sex being fantastic is also a true fact.

Continued Life in Texas

It is still hot as fuck here in Texas and there are some really horrible, gross, sickening, big black beetles that have become the things of my nightmares. That's all they are, by the way, according to the two people I've asked. They are just "beetles". And they are disgusting. There is a whole genocide of them along the walkway of the shopping center I frequent and I can't even look at them, let alone trod on their dead carcasses.The awnings in front of store entrances would be good shade providers but I cannot bring myself to do it because of the beetle bodies. I just don't have it in me. And jaysus! If I see an alive one? Let's just not talk about that shall we?

I'm still utterly conflicted about my job. I like the challenges presented but I don't like the whole "not being able to figure this shit out" part of the challenges. And I swear to fucking christ, if Hunter comes to me one more time to do shit that his own god damn business analyst should be doing, I'll flip. I actually already did flip. I emailed him and told him, among other things, "...if you are not providing training to your employees that shit is on you. Do NOT ask me to do the work of one of your direct fucking reports..." And I meant it. He thinks I'm completely stressed out and losing my shit all the time but I finally had to tell him that I'd be way less stressed if I didn't have to deal with his shit. He literally has two BAs that report to him and one of them has been here longer than I. I don't know what the fuck she's been doing all this time but it certainly hasn't been what I'm doing. And I'm not exactly flush with free time trying to do whatever it is that I do do.

Sometimes I feel like crying on my way home from work due to the tension and frustration. Other times I feel like I've figured something out or turned in a good product. I never feel safe or like I know what I'm doing though. But I'm too chicken shit to look for work outside the company. I say it's because I don't want to have a suspension of health benefits but really, I think I'm just a pussy.

*************

Things with Murdoch are ... weird and uncertain as ever. We rarely see one another and we barely speak beyond texts. We also got into an enormous fight the other day, during the work day. I like him, a lot, and I want things to work and am willing to do my part, but there is a lot of uncertainty. His life changed dramatically when he got custody of his younger children and moved. I respect that and appreciate the enormity of his responsibilities. My stress, whilst not on par with his necessarily, still exists and I miss having that boyfriend that I had in April. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased as punch that he got custody because it was the best thing for his children, but things have changed and I sometimes wonder if I'm dating the same person. And that is all I shall say on the subject because it's not one I feel comfortable talking about.

*************



I am getting used to Texas somewhat, though it's still a shock to me. I like the DMV. I don't like the traffic or the way people cut you off willy nilly (though I'm slowly getting used to that as well). I hate the weather (I think tomorrow is supposed to be 104) but the people are extremely nice and friendly. The thunderstorms are tremendous and they have different birds here than they did in Ohio. I have no clue what they are called, I just know I never noticed them in OH. I miss my friends but I like the people I work with. I joined a gym and even though I've been one time since I signed up two weeks ago, I feel more "at home" for having gotten the membership.

I'm losing weight. Not intentionally but because of stress, forgetting to eat because eventually I'm no longer hungry, and sheer laziness. 85% of my work wardrobe is now too big for me so, as Tits suggested, I'm going to buy one blouse and one skirt/pair of trousers each payday so that I can look decent at work again. I stocked up on cheap summer dresses for my free time (got tired of dressing like a boy) so I'm covered there, but sometimes I look at myself in the mirror at work and think "well someone played dress up in mommy's closet today!" I probably look better than I have in some time what with the weight loss and the tanning. I decided that if I'm in Texas and I can't avoid getting tan, I'm going to do it right. So I bought a two piece bathing suit and have taken to laying out by my community pool on the weekends (note: I cannot swim in my suit. I tried. My top came down). But I'm not taking great care of myself and that needs to change. Today, because Johan is out of veggies, I am forced to go to the grocery store so I'll actually eat something more than a yogurt or piece of cheese for dinner.

*************

And that's all I got. I'll leave you with a few funny (to me) quotes.

"You look like someone who would be into the Hunger Games." ~ said to me by a colleague. We weren't discussing the Hunger Games at all when she said that.

"What is a 'well-hung midget'?" ~ said by Murdoch's daughter after she read about what happens to some unicorns with deformed horns on the internet (Murdoch pretended confusion so I had to cover).

"I'm not mad or nothing..." ~ said by me to Murdoch before our fight. I find it funny because it was an auto correct on my phone and I don't speak like that and people at work think I'm super smart when it comes to grammar.

"Fuck our married, limp dick, paramours and the horses they rode in on." ~ said by me to Tits and I can't remember why.

Balls Will Always Be Funny

We all have certain things that make us cranky, whether it be low blood sugar, hunger, boredom, sexual frustration*, etc. For me it appears to be lack of sleep. I didn't get more than four hours last night and felt sick with fatigue all day, which caused me to act like a total bitch. Not to acquaintances and clients, of course, just to my friends and my mother. Why the fuck do we do that, reserve all civil behavior for those we don't really care about on a significant level whilst subjecting the people we actually like to our worse behavior? I all but picked fights with two of my friends and was flat out rude to my mom over email. But when I had to train a colleague I don't work with much, I had all the patience and calm in the world and reassured her that what she needed to do was simple and I would always be available to help her. Is it because we know that the people who care about us will understand and love us anyway even if we act like complete twats from time to time? I don't know if I am the easiest person to take on a regular basis but when I'm moody, forget having a civil discussion with me on any topic other than "holy fuck am I in a bad mood and you know what, mother fucker? I don't give a fuck about anything today and will not give a fuck until I get some mother fucking sleep." Little ray of sunshine, that's what they call me.

 But certain things still made me laugh throughout the day and they are too good to keep to myself. One of the best was the phrase "enlarged scrotal vein removal." I didn't even know that was a thing! But balls will always make me laugh because I'm secretly a 13 year old girl who laughs at things like the word "testicles". I looked it up (wikipedia's blackout was annoying but there are always other sources) and it just got better when I found this site and read about the symptoms. Feeling a little dragging or heaviness in your nuts there buddy? When you were playing with your garbage did you happen to feel something like worms or spaghetti? Don't worry, we can take care of that for you. Heh heh, nuts.

One of the first things to make me smile was a column from Dear Abby. "Olympia" is 18, lost her first ever job but has two offers for college, and has decided she is going to work as a prostitute. As my friend pointed out, this was a 'do not pass go' move straight to hooking without any of that silly toe in the water stripping nonsense. Not only did she go from some ordinary job to selling her honey badger, she told her mother about the decision! Who the fuck does that? "You know what, mom, I'm not going to be a sucker like you working for peanuts. I have a perfectly good vag that I can sell and make a killing. You're dumb, you should have been a prostitute." And Abby's response was pretty cute what with her comment that this line of work will only be an option while "Olympia"s looks hold. Abs evidently hasn't seen the movie Monster or else she'd realize that men will fuck anything - and even pay for it.

Finally, on my ride home, listening to NPR, I heard the following statement made regarding Francesco Shettino, the captain of that cruise ship that partially sunk: "claimed he accidentally fell into a lifeboat". What an awesomely terrible excuse for abandoning ship during an emergency! I wonder if he also 'accidentally' pushed old people out of the way before falling overboard. Maybe he 'accidentally' grabbed a baby from a mother's arms as an excuse to get to one of the lifeboats first (by accident of course). Is anyone really supposed to buy that?

And with that I bid you adieu as I need to get a few things done before I pop some Nyquil at 8 o'clock so that I can get some sleep. I have a feeling I'm lucky to have the friends that I do so I can't exactly push my luck with more bad behavior.

*Be warned that this is TMI - Here's hoping that sexual frustration isn't one of my 'buttons' or else I'm going to be a stark raving cunt pretty soon.

Last Word in this Chapter

Another thing that I always thought was a lame cliche: men and women think differently. I've always thought that was just a played out stereotype or what have you to keep conservative middle America guffawing at sitcoms. But it must be true because there is no way J could be as deceitful and manipulative as he would have to be to pretend he didn't understand what I was trying to tell him. He's not a deceitful person (or if he is, I've missed the boat by many miles and have still not faced the horrible truth after seven years.)

So today I put myself in his shoes and thought over the conversations we've had the last two days. Yep, big, awkward, horrible, grown up, married people conversations. Ones where he gets angry and I, surprise surprise, cry. Feeling really happy? Cry. Reading or watching something moving? Weep. Angry? Sob. Frustrated? Cry some more. The most annoying of my uncontrolled habits that I've never been able to stop. So I cry and weep and he seethes and feels angry. But we put up with it and soldiered on because we love each other and both want this to work. And this morning, I thought to myself "does he really, truly believe that I still think x y or z even after we've talked about it?" So I e-mailed him when I got to work to let him know I didn't believe it of him and that he needn't worry that I did or that I was watching his every move with suspicion. I also explained that the reason I don't say things while we are actually talking and end up emailing him in the morning is because they don't come to me. Something about sleeping and getting up gives me a bit of clarity and objectivity and so I want to communicate with him about whatever it is but I'm certainly not going to wake him up (again) at 7 a.m. to share.

We are working on things. He's truly sorry that he hurt me and has said that he loves me and that he would never degrade me or humiliate me or hurt me in any way on purpose or with intent. He has said that he doesn't think terrible things about me and that he wishes he could just fix things. But that isn't ever possible so instead we are just working through everything and today was the first good day I've had. I didn't spend the day at work with a clenched knot in my stomach, wanting to be sick at every minute, trying not to cry whilst my mind raced through all the terrible thoughts. Maybe because I'd gotten past the heat of the emotion and because we'd actually communicated like human beings, I was able to get over my shock and horror and start sorting through the rubble.

I'm not wearing rosy glasses or anything. I'm still a bit fearful and still hurt. But I'm trying to view things in a more simple way. Take him at his word. Consider what I've learned about him over all these years and holding up those actions against this one. He and I have both really fucked things up in our own ways and I think we have both owned the responsibility. And hopefully, this will just draw us closer together and we can get back to where we used to be.

Something happened around the end of May when he was studying for his exams and I didn't write about it. It wasn't so much a fight as it was just a catharsis. For a moment I really did think that that was it, we weren't going to make it. But J surprised me by coming back and apologizing for "behaving badly" as he put it. The process of getting a PhD or living with someone who is doing so can really test marriages I've been told. There were a lot of adjustments to be made when J started almost four years ago. Things changed in a number of ways to accommodate his new life as a professional student. And somewhere along the line, things got bad and neither one of us noticed properly. Then we forgot how to have conversations with one another. There is a good chance that my MS did start up at the end of 2007 and affected part of me that really contributed to a big portion of our troubles.

But hopefully we've caught it in time. Hopefully we'll see through all of the bullshit and find each other again and remember why we love each other. Because I do love him, tremendously, but I also want him to be happy. I'm not saying I'm so selfless that I could easily let him go if I knew it would lead him to a happy life. That would be complete and utter shit. I would feel broken and bruised, defeated and drained, and without a sense of life any more. I would be far less of a real person than I am now. But I never want to be some clinging, needy, weak little idiot who shields her eyes from the truth if it just means he'll stay for a little bit longer.

And oddly enough, I think I felt more married today than I have in a long time. I think I finally saw part of who it is I fell in love with again. I didn't know I'd missed him or been apart from him for so long until I felt it today.

And this is the last I'll write about this particular occurrence in my life. I'm vague on the details on purpose. As much as this is my blog and about my life, it is also about those that I love and respect. J doesn't read this (I asked him not to just because I thought it would be weird) but I still feel I owe him the respect of his privacy. I also owe our marriage some privacy and respect because it means a lot to me.

So I'll simply say this: life never stops surprising me with the shit tricks it plays on me and I'm convinced my life is just one long humiliating march towards death. But I also feel a great sense of wonder and accomplishment when some good comes out of it. In whatever form.