Girl Brain Revisited

I have a bad habit of texting BFF and asking her if she is pregnant. I always have a reason such as "I totally dreamed that you were preggo again" or "hmm, she is vaguebooking... welp, must be preggo" but still, I need to cut that shit out because it isn't very flattering. I know I wouldn't like to be asked if I was pregnant all the time. And I wouldn't be all gracious like BFF is either. I'd be all "are you saying I'm fat?" and "how dare you even suggest such a thing!?" etc. etc.

That wasn't leading up to anything. I just think it's weird that I text this poor girl and randomly ask if she is pregnant from time to time.

Things are good. Nothing too exciting, which is why I've been quiet (things are not awful so no whining and things are boring so I got nothing). I'm actually happy. More to the point, the Bat makes me happy. And so, of course, I'm terribly nervous. And I said stupid stuff last night out of nowhere. The Bat isn't a love guy. He doesn't fall in love and doesn't want love. For some reason that bothered me a lot last night. I told him I wanted love so we'd have to break up. I cried (cause I'm me and I cry) because I really like the guy and am happy with him.

Remember girl brain? Yeah, she's a cunt. I think it's really a forest for the trees thing. I want to feel special. I want to be treated a certain way not because I'm his girlfriend and that is how you are supposed to treat your girlfriend but because he likes me. Well, do I feel special? Yes. Do I feel like he likes me? Yes. Am I happy? Yes. So what the fuck is my problem?

My problem is that this is a really nice guy who treats me well on a consistent basis. It's been a month and he has yet to morph into a gigantic asshole. Even my mother said she couldn't believe I met a guy who is nice to me. She didn't mean it like it sounds but I knew what she meant right away. I'm not doing all the work. I'm not starved for affection or attention. Homeboy is actively kind to me and makes me feel wanted and appreciated. So I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and since it hasn't, girl brain is looking for problems. Because this sort of happiness doesn't happen to me. Stupid girl brain.

Do I really mind if he never falls in love with me? No, actually, I don't. At first it bothered me but that was ego. Truthfully, love isn't something that I'm worried about and considering how cautious I'm being emotionally, it would be unfair of me to want more of an investment from him. "I'm not going to love you but you have to love me because I'm the girl, so there."

Sometimes I just really need to shut my brain off and enjoy life instead of letting girl brain swoop in and cause unnecessary problems. That is a new goal for me: enjoy life and ignore girl brain; she's just a trouble maker.

Also, it would be really rad if I could get all the self awareness before I say shit out loud and embarrass myself. I feel like an idiot for crying last night. I'll make that a goal as well: don't speak until you've really thought shit through. Like that will ever happen.

Girl Brain (or Mind Fuck)

Can someone please explain the evolutionary advantage to "girl brain"? Murdoch and I got into a huge fight in the middle of last week. When he gets stressed out, he totally shuts down and I don't hear from him. In this case, I hadn't heard from him for over 48 hours. I wanted to ask if he needed a break but I couldn't because I am incapable of expressing myself emotionally. Seriously, I have a semi paralytic fear of asking for help or telling someone what I need. So I mentally stutter and shit comes out wrong so I said "I think we should take a break." He took that to mean a break up, got pissed off, said some nasty things, wouldn't listen to me, etc. I didn't handle myself tremendously well because I was trying to express my needs whilst simultaneously explaining that I understand that his life is super stressful right now, etc.

We made up, things were tepid, and he invited me over for Saturday evening. Then he got really sick and I've barely heard from him this entire week. So I know he is sick and I know he shuts down but, because he is so unresponsive, I feel stupid and I'm doing that girl brain mind fuck obsession thing. Obviously he's gone off of me and my relationship is over. That's clear. You know, regardless of the fact that Murdoch is the kind of guy who would just tell me it was over if it was. Nah, the guy who is extremely blunt and direct is suddenly passively aggressively sending me a message.

Girl. Brain. Mind. Fuck.

I have seriously lived out an entire relationship in my head in the span of thirty minutes because of girl brain. How is this at all advantageous? How is that going to aid me in my biological pursuit of propagating my unique genetic profile? "Mmm, you know who I want to make babies with? An insane girl who lives in her head, is afraid to talk about how she feels, lives in an imaginary world in that girl brain of hers, and is utterly neurotic. That shit brings the boys to the yard."

Tits and I talk about girl brain a lot these days. I've got whatever is going on with Murdoch and she is forging ahead into the world of online dating. We are great at reassuring one another and then, when we say goodbye, we both go back to the self torture and self doubt. Stupid girl brain. Do men have a boy brain that fucks with them? I find that doubtful. Then again, what I don't know about men could fit into an old fashioned, hard cover, complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica so, you know...

Seriously, it's a labyrinthine and vicious circle of madness. Murdoch is sick so he has to cancel with me. Bummer, but totally cool. Murdoch gets sicker and I don't hear from him much. That sucks but you know, people get sick. Murdoch remains sick and his youngest gets it. Shit, that fucking sucks. I can't imagine dealing with a four year old who is super sick because kids don't know that it's going to get better (and that it will happen again). Still don't hear from the erstwhile boyfriend and start imming with Tits about feeling neglected and clingy and ridiculous. Start feeling like a suffragette for my own cause and make promises to myself. Get pissy about how sex with Murdoch was really fucking good and it is annoying to no longer have the attention of someone who was really fucking good. Start feeling like a complete asshole because everything but the facts that Murdoch and his son are both ill and that Murdoch does not text much when he is ill apparently, is totally made up by girl brain and I'm torturing myself for no reason.* What is more, Murdoch's kid could be on a fucking ventilator or something and here I am, being pissy because he hasn't been chatty. That, too, is courtesy of girl brain.

No wonder solitary confinement is a punishment. 

Not that I want babies, mind you. It's just that the closest thing to a reason for life that I know of is breed-to-keep-the-species-thriving one. And, as I asked as to the evolutionary advantage of girl brain, I had to use babies in my example.

In other news, because I refuse to just have a post about how I'm insanely insecure, I finally started reading again. I think I stopped for about two weeks but it felt like an eternity. Today is Independence Day and I am very appropriately reading a biography of a very patriotic individual who risked life and limb for country. Granted, Christine Granville was a beautiful Polish woman who, during World War II served as a spy for British intelligence, but still, patriotism is patriotism. I keep coming across names that I have no clue how to pronounce and think "I'll ask Magneto at work how to pronounce this" because Magneto is Polish and I guess that is what you do when you know someone from a different country. Ask them stupid questions.

Also, and I'll end with this, I had a status meeting with my boss recently. She told me, in the very kindest of ways, all the things I'm doing wrong and all the things I need to think about when it comes to my work. That sucked pretty bad but she made it clear that she wasn't expecting me to know everything and she offered to hook me up with some resources. One of the things I do wrong is the way I write business specs, the language I use. Well, not really. I wrote this one spec and I just wrote the way I normally do because it was a retrospec and no one was going to have to read it so it didn't matter what language I used. I didn't say fuck, shit, cunt, etc. or anything. I just mean I used terms like erroneous and whilst. My boss told me that she had been entertained by the spec and that she was well aware that I wrote with flare and had a real appreciate of language and words but that it was better suited to a book or a blog, not a technical document.

I thought that was fun. I had no idea I was being entertaining. 


*Well, the sex being fantastic is also a true fact.