Lovely Weekend of Normal People Stuff

Broken Bow, Oklahoma
I think I've spoken before about how I enjoy doing normal people stuff. J and I lived like hermits for so fucking long and we never really did the things normal couples do. We'd go out to the pub every Sunday afternoon, but we wouldn't have people over or go to other peoples' homes very often. And we never went to a wine tasting or a romantic get away or anything like that. So when I started going on little monthly casino trips with Tits, I mentally categorized it as "normal people stuff". They go places with a good friend. When I started the Broad Summit, that, too, was categorized as "normal people stuff". They get a group of girls together for the occasional happy hour.

I'm not blaming my lack of normal people stuff activity on J. For whatever reason, I just never got out there and made friends until my last year in the state. I had plenty of friends at work, but it wasn't until my final year that I started to socialize with them outside of the office. J and I were just both weirdly reclusive for whatever reason (well, I'd say the nature of his work for him). These days I do a lot of things normal people do. I don't have any friends of my own yet, but the Bat and I very often have people over or go over to people. And this weekend, I jumped into the deep end of normal people activity when I accompanied the Bat to a couples' weekend in Oklahoma.

One of his friends was celebrating her 30th birthday and rented a very expensive, very cute cabin in Broken Bow and invited others to join her. The literature said is slept 8 and the Bat and I thought there would be, at most, five couples including us, so we brought a tent and all the camping gear; essentially, we brought our own room. It was a really fun time and I had a blast. The first night was the usual sort of thing where people show up at different times and you all end up drinking and chatting and then going to sleep.

Saturday, for whatever reason, we all woke up super early (well, the Bat and I had the excuse of being outside with all the animals who start to stir and scream at the first glimpse of light) but were curiously slow to get moving. I was very antsy so eventually the Bat and I headed out. What did we do? Well that nice man took me on my first ever real picnic. He'd wanted it to be a surprise but that didn't happen, and he wanted it to include some canoeing, which also didn't happen (lake was too low and the place was closed). But it was really nice nonetheless. We walked onto the island/peninsula area of the lake, which was in a pretty area, and had our sandwiches and fruit and water. He'd wanted me to have wine but we didn't have any. He told me that it was part of his trying to be more thoughtful, stemming from a conversation about how I was starting to feel like a piece of furniture in his life, something comfortable and useful. He doesn't say nice things any more, he doesn't do nice gestures, and well, see the awful Valentine's Day. I told him that the only reason I knew he still liked me was because I was still there in his life. So we talked about it and he told me that he just needs the occasional reminder that not everyone thinks or feels like he does. He apologized for how he'd made me feel, and said he'd try harder to acknowledge and respond to my feelings in the future.

That was nice of him. I don't need grand gestures, just small things to let me know that he does care for me and I'm not just in his life because he enjoys my company and the sex.

After we ate we lay in the sun for awhile before walking along the rocks. Then we hooked up with some of the other couples at a winery where we tasted about 25 wines a piece and the Bat and I bought 5 bottles. This was perfect for the next activity, which saw all three of the winery couples going to a spillway to join a couple who were fishing. We sat and drank wine and just chatted and looked out on the water. Some of the guys decided it would be fun to throw rocks at the buoys in another area because, well, I guess that is what guys do. Eventually, once enough of us had to pee and too many other people were about for girls to pee in public (there were no bushes), we all headed back to the cabin where we proceeded to drink too much wine and pass out. I went down first. It was awesome. 

Next morning the Bat and I headed home and, when we got there, we both said 'fuck it' and left everything in the car so we could take a nap. Before taking a nap we did, of course, moan and groan and espouse the wonders of his bed which had never felt so good before. It wasn't just that we'd been sleeping on an air mattress but that we are both old and out of shape so that little bit of hiking up the spillway was enough to have us - along with the other couples - aching terribly when we woke up. But my god! That bed is a wondrous thing and it was all we could do to not roll around in it like a couple of pigs in mud.

I did the bulk of the unpacking because I was up first and figured I owed the Bat since he did all the packing in the first place. Then he relaxed and watched television and caught up with the Monkey when she got home whilst I did chores here and there. And then, sadly, the weekend came to an end and we had to go to sleep.

But it was an amazing time and I'm really glad that we did it. Normal People Stuff is rad as hell.

Girl Brain Revisited

I have a bad habit of texting BFF and asking her if she is pregnant. I always have a reason such as "I totally dreamed that you were preggo again" or "hmm, she is vaguebooking... welp, must be preggo" but still, I need to cut that shit out because it isn't very flattering. I know I wouldn't like to be asked if I was pregnant all the time. And I wouldn't be all gracious like BFF is either. I'd be all "are you saying I'm fat?" and "how dare you even suggest such a thing!?" etc. etc.

That wasn't leading up to anything. I just think it's weird that I text this poor girl and randomly ask if she is pregnant from time to time.

Things are good. Nothing too exciting, which is why I've been quiet (things are not awful so no whining and things are boring so I got nothing). I'm actually happy. More to the point, the Bat makes me happy. And so, of course, I'm terribly nervous. And I said stupid stuff last night out of nowhere. The Bat isn't a love guy. He doesn't fall in love and doesn't want love. For some reason that bothered me a lot last night. I told him I wanted love so we'd have to break up. I cried (cause I'm me and I cry) because I really like the guy and am happy with him.

Remember girl brain? Yeah, she's a cunt. I think it's really a forest for the trees thing. I want to feel special. I want to be treated a certain way not because I'm his girlfriend and that is how you are supposed to treat your girlfriend but because he likes me. Well, do I feel special? Yes. Do I feel like he likes me? Yes. Am I happy? Yes. So what the fuck is my problem?

My problem is that this is a really nice guy who treats me well on a consistent basis. It's been a month and he has yet to morph into a gigantic asshole. Even my mother said she couldn't believe I met a guy who is nice to me. She didn't mean it like it sounds but I knew what she meant right away. I'm not doing all the work. I'm not starved for affection or attention. Homeboy is actively kind to me and makes me feel wanted and appreciated. So I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and since it hasn't, girl brain is looking for problems. Because this sort of happiness doesn't happen to me. Stupid girl brain.

Do I really mind if he never falls in love with me? No, actually, I don't. At first it bothered me but that was ego. Truthfully, love isn't something that I'm worried about and considering how cautious I'm being emotionally, it would be unfair of me to want more of an investment from him. "I'm not going to love you but you have to love me because I'm the girl, so there."

Sometimes I just really need to shut my brain off and enjoy life instead of letting girl brain swoop in and cause unnecessary problems. That is a new goal for me: enjoy life and ignore girl brain; she's just a trouble maker.

Also, it would be really rad if I could get all the self awareness before I say shit out loud and embarrass myself. I feel like an idiot for crying last night. I'll make that a goal as well: don't speak until you've really thought shit through. Like that will ever happen.

If my brother had only bought me the Bat Mobile like he promised

The power went out at work yesterday... for three hours. Why no, no we were not sent home. Instead, we all sort of milled around the dark office, chatting and occasionally feeling guilty for not working only to remember that yeah, we couldn't work. Power out, phones down, nothing to do but chat and play angry birds on our phones. When it came back on, a great cheer went up and we all ran to the coffee machine for a refill, only to find that we were out of regular coffee. Thus, the old pots had to be used with the lesser stuff, which was a tragedy in itself. And we are stuck with crappy coffee until next week.*

As you can see, it was a rough day. That must be why I was so exhausted that I took an hour nap after work, something I've not done in ages.

Anyhow. My car ended up costing me about $480 so that was awesome. Slapped it on my credit card and thought "meh, I can't afford the debt I have so why not?" and drove back to work wondering if it felt like it was driving poorly or if that is how cars should feel since mine was such a cluster fuck (previously it would rev up when I put it in park, something it's done for years). The jury is still out so I just have to hope it is driving better and that it is as good as new with the straight from the mechanic smell. And as for that credit card, it's minimum payment is already embarrassingly enormous and I had to pay said payment yesterday so after I pay rent, I'll be lucky if I have $50 in the bank to hold me until next payday. I know, who does that? Well, I sent $100 to my cousin to help her out and I had to buy a battery for my car ($117 or so) and I had to have my car towed (about $40) and so you know. I shouldn't have sent the money to my cousin and I shouldn't have bought the battery (but how was I to know I had a misfiring cylinder, carbon build up, and a blown gasket?) but I can't exactly make that unhappen, now can I?

A friend very kindly offered to loan me some money (OK, I asked the friend if they could) even though I made it pretty clear that the payback will probably not be until 2029 or until I come into a whole bunch of money. Borrowing money from a friend has got to be the worst feeling ever when it comes to this sort of thing. I even offered to find more stuff to sell but was told "absolutely not" and something about friends helping each other out and caring about one another. I don't remember all that was said because I was weeping with gratitude (and deep, deep shame) at the time. But said friend was right and I have some great ones. Tits gave me a ride to work on Tuesday and Storm gave me a ride to the shop that day so that I could get my car. Nameless friend** is lending me money. Having friends is pretty freaking sweet.

Hopefully this will be my last post regarding my car because I don't think I have the strength to deal with more automotive trauma. And, seeing as the weather literally went from 60 degrees to 23 degrees overnight, if it breaks down again I'll most likely just freeze to death and be left for wild animals to eat me. That's not the way I want to go.

Speaking of going, I want to go get more water and mediocre coffee but I'll leave you with this:

1. Evidently there are kiddie couture blogs. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, how obsessive are you that you are buying your kid super expensive clothing, styling them, and posting pictures of them on your blog? On the other hand, meh, we all like what we like and who am I to judge? But the whole super pricey kiddie clothes will always bother me... just because I'm poor.
2. I've turned into one of those jerks who posts pictures of the food she makes on Facebook. I don't post them here because I can't really be bothered/it never turns out well enough to merit a blog post but I can't help but put them on FB. I figure people can just defriend me or hide me if they don't like it. Just as I'd do them if they started posting their kiddie couture. 
3. I like Gabrielle Giffords, I do. I think she is a nice lady with politics that are not super scary. But can we not trot her out after episodes of gun violence? I feel like she is being exploited and turned into some sort of mascot and it makes me sad. But I suppose no one is making her do it, right? 
4. There is something on the tip of my tongue but I just can't think of it so adieu.

*I don't know why we have to wait. We have a regular delivery on Mondays but if we run out on Wednesday why can't we order more? Or how about we order a little extra this time? I'm sure it is a money thing and I know we aren't entitled to good office coffee, but for some reason that just irritated the shit out of me. 

**I'm not naming the friend because money things seem somewhat intimate and personal and it just seems wrong. That and I don't want you to get the wrong idea and think I'm blowing a male friend or giving a female friend a rim job for the money or anything. Because that is so totally what you would think. And so would I.

Mending the cracks

I had a bit of a nervous collapse yesterday and ended up spending the day at home, on the couch, watching episodes of Nero Wolfe and occasionally crying and shaking. It was no fun, obviously, and I was ruined for the day, totally incapable of doing anything. If I wasn't on the couch I was in bed reading. Someone knocked, loudly, on my door and I almost had a panic attack. I lay very still, trying to control my breathing, waiting for them to go away. Then I got up and shut my bedroom door to have an added layer of protection between me and the world.

The reason this happened is pretty basic and can be summed up by blaming it on "life". The specific factors involved are MS, my separation from J, and Manager. That should be enough without my going into it. I will, eventually, but I'm not exactly Miss Mental Wellness 2012 right now, although I'm far better than I was yesterday. So instead of talking about the specifics of what brought me so close to the edge of sanity, I thought I'd share the two things that helped me get through the day.

The first is short and incredibly sweet and is due to Boss who said the following in an email to me:

"As I tell my daughter - now is the perfect time to make a clean sweep of bygones and what could have beens and go forward and enjoy what life has to offer because you deserve so much more than what has been dealt to you up until this point."

Tell me you wouldn't be loyal as fuck to a woman like that?

The second is courtesy of my friend Hunter, who made me laugh throughout the day by chatting with me on and off and telling me about his birthday (which it was yesterday). I'm not going to go into it because I haven't been able to figure out the best way to put the story into words in order to have you grasp the hilarity, but I did want him to know just how thankful I am. I will say, however, that it involves an annual physical exam. Hunter knew how fucked up I was and so he graciously shared an embarrassing moment in his life (and one he goes through every year on his birthday) while I laughed uproariously and had to keep trying to smother myself so neighbors wouldn't hear. I only wish he kept a fucking blog so he could tell his own story as I don't know that I'd get it right.

I've said before that I am incredibly lucky and grateful to have the friends and loved ones that I do. Boss, who is a good friend and former employer, and Hunter, who is hands down my best friend, fall into those categories, friends and loved ones. Not only were they incredibly kind to me whilst I was freaking out, they made me feel like it was OK that it was happening, and offered me support in their own way. Boss offered me encouragement and love. Hunter offered me laughter and a way to pull me out of myself just long enough to perk up and feel a bit more like my old self.

I don't know if I'll get back to my old self exactly, although I expect I will do so. But continual support and hilarious stories are the best medicine I think I've ever had. And fortunately for me, I have a lot of people who offer me their support and I'm pretty sure that between Hunter and J, I'll never be without laughter.

And now I have to start relying on myself again and I have to take myself in hand. I have to get out of bed (it is 11:10 after all) and take a shower. I have to go to the cable company and drop off my cable box, which I should have done last week.  I have to play with Johan and make sure he is happy and OK. I have to start going through the motions of life again and stop just laying around indulging myself. $10 says I make it to the cable company and then shutter myself back in my apartment huddled in bed.
 

Broad Summit - June

It started for two reasons. The first is that a colleague left the company and a few of us wanted to keep in touch. I was asked to arrange something, most likely because I'm an administrative assistant and I, the asshole that I am, thought "yes, I AM an administrative assistant but not, you know, the world's admin, so if you want to drink, by god, I'm shoe horning my way in and drinking with you." We got together a couple of times, catching up and having a good time. Then, because I'm so desperate for friendship and wanting to make it last, I tenaciously fought to get the group together every so often. We now aim for monthly meetings and I've been named the founder (foundress) because I keep it all together.

I love these women. They are smart, capable, loving, kind, loyal, and just phenomenal. Each meeting goes the same way. We begin by bitching about work, swapping gossip, and assuring one another that, no, it isn't you, things are stupid/fucked up/ridiculous. We get heated over horrible fried food and alcohol, then move on to jokes and real life issues, things in our personal lives. And it is so satisfying. There is so much support and love and just the right amount of ribbing to make it the best night of the month. It happens on a Wednesday in the middle of the month because that is when we really need it. Ready to slit our wrists, about to pull the razors out, but we have to put a hold on it so that we can meet up. Then we meet and everything is OK again.

They really are a great bunch and I love them all. SS helped me move. Poison Ivy asked me, kindly, how J handled the paperwork yesterday. She-Ra gave me a lovely house warming gift though it was totally unnecessary. And Super Girl (Golden Rod)? Super Girl was initiated seamlessly.

I truly think it is what we all want. We have our friends outside of work, maybe in town, maybe across the country, but we want girlfriends at work who can commiserate about things that we deal with 9 hours a day, 40 hours a week. We want to be able to discuss work, rail and whine, and then we want to be regular non work girlfriends again. I'm the founder only because I'm the most desperate and so I do my best to make sure we make it an appointment, a priority, something that we have to do. And we all love it. I hate setting it up, don't like the responsibility, but it is so worth it for the couple of hours a month I have to let my hair down with these women, so that we can all just be ourselves and be accepted. Tomorrow I'll go in and we will all look at one another with secret smiles, gratitude, slyness, etc. But we will be our professional selves.

But we will all know that we have this little exclusive club that we belong to and we will all look forward to the next meeting of the Broads. In September we hope to have our First Annual Winey Broads meeting in which we'll visit Ohio wineries.

No matter what happens, we are bound.

How I have friends is a mystery to me

The following is an email conversation I had with BFF the other day.

BFF - Original Subject Line is Avatar

"'Sup Puddin,

I am racking my brain trying to come up with an avatar for my scary mommy.com profile. Care to draw me one when you have the time?" 

ME

"What're you looking for? Can you give me a bit of inspiration?"

BFF

"Something to do with me and Baby."

ME

"So not a picture of Johan, my gun, and random Manga?"

BFF

"No, no thank you."

ME

"Totally drew that myself."

BFF

"Lol. But that's beautiful! And perfect!"

ME

"I thought you'd like it. I thought vintage when I thought of you and baby when I thought of Baby so easy peasy."

ME

"Option two. A great way to introduce yourself."

BFF

"Um, yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking when I asked for an avatar! I'mma gonna use this one! Thanks!"

ME - New Subject Line "Re: avatar PLEASE DON'T HATE ME"

BFF

"That's just WRONG!
 Besides, Baby doesn't get herself dressed yet. :P"

ME

"I figured this was at night before you put her down. But she looks happy doesn't she?

That picture cracked me up when I finished drawing it."

BFF

" Ahem, I don't get shit faced until AFTER I put her down!"

ME - New subject line "Last One"

That is her husband, looking all annoyed at her

BFF

"Ugh!"

ME

"Oh come on!"

BFF

"Really???!! :-)"


And that is why she is BFF. The end.

Sunday April 15

Title makes it look like I'm going to talk about taxes, doesn't it? But mine were done and filed long ago and I think everyone has until Tuesday this year. No, I just figured it would be an easy way to title a post (and we all know that I hate titling posts).

Formal Wear
Columbus is beautiful today, all washed and shiny from yesterday's rain, the grass putting on it's greenest and the sky delighting in itself. Not that I'm actually outside taking advantage of it or anything. I only know that it is a glorious day because I've been hauling my laundry, once again doing it in shifts because I'm twelve years old and refuse to attend to my laundry until I'm up against an underpantsless wall. So instead of taking a walk and enjoying the Spring air, my interaction with the day and the outdoors has turned into resentment against my stupid towels and stupid underpants and stupid work clothes because it's their fault that I can't be outside enjoying the weather. Still, I enjoy it when my city looks its finest and I actually notice. It's like receiving an unexpected gift and I get a little spring in my step and I decide to work on my attitude just a bit because, after all, Columbus is being gorgeous and I don't want to make her look bad. So well done, Coly, well done indeed.

I don't actually dislike doing laundry, by the way. If I had my own machines it would be done on a far more regular basis than it is now. I don't even necessarily object to having to do my laundry outside my apartment. No, it's the fact that I have to haul it two buildings over that makes me feel exhausted just thinking about it. It's nonsensical, actually, because it should be the other way round. Because I have to carry my laundry two buildings over, why not do it on a regular basis in order to keep the load lighter? Because I'm a lazy child who is a very slow learner, that's why. I end up doing it in shifts because I always have at least two loads by the time I'm forced to wash my clothes (I think I have two more to go, actually, but I've run out of quarters) and I used to take it all in one go and it would be a torturous walk for me and my weak upper body. Now I simply take one load in, put it in the washer, and, when it is time to change over to the dryer, I bring a second load to start the wash cycle. And I just reconcile myself to the fact that a good portion of my day is going to be spent around laundry.

I'm somewhat pathological about laundry, aren't I? I believe that every time I do it, I end up writing about it here with the rest of my nonsense and bullshit. The fact that laundry day means a lot of sitting around the apartment waiting to change machines or pick up a load means I have plenty of time to bore the internet. And a lot of opportunities to say the word "load" which makes me uncomfortable and squirmy.

Anaerobic
I'm being far more productive today than I was yesterday because I have the emotional wherewithal to do so. I got into a "thing" with Bluebell, a good friend, yesterday, and it caused for a lot of misunderstanding, confusion, and panic, on both our parts I believe. When things get super stressy and overwhelming at work, I end up second guessing myself and fearing that I've snapped at others and so I end up sending needless apology emails to people who reply with "huh?" and "what the heck are you talking about?" Actually, Birdy replied with something more akin to "did someone chew you out about not being professional or something? I have no idea what you're talking about."

I do this because I don't like misunderstandings and I want my feelings and actions to be crystal clear. And that is just with work colleagues and/or work friends. Yesterday's misunderstanding was with a very important friend and it was a mixture of my not understanding a situation and overreacting out of the same type of paranoia that leads me to confuse Birdy with my emails. It resolved itself and everything is fine and both Bluebell and I know what is going on and I apologized twice and the world keeps on spinning. But it took up most of my mind and so I wasn't able to function properly. Confusion, fear, and the anticipation of sadness or negative feelings paralyzes me apparently.

The other event that took up my time yesterday was a very weird conversation with my mother. A few months ago, BFF and her husband contemplated moving to Colorado for a job opportunity. I told my mother about this because, you know, she's my mom and for all I complain about her, she's a nice lady and takes an interest in the people in my life. She asked me yesterday about whether or not anything came from the CO talk and I told her that no, it didn't work out, so they are staying in Florida for now, which isn't terrible because they have a lot of family and friends down there. Mom then let me know that she was disappointed because she thought having a friend in CO would be an inducement to convince me to move there myself.

She'd mentioned this before, the idea that I move to CO. Let's remember that my mother lives in Arizona so what the fuck? This time I decided to just ask her outright, why do you want me to move to CO. "Because I don't like the idea of your being single and alone in Ohio and I thought if BFF moved to CO, you would have a friend there as well as family." I have first and second cousins in the Denver area, this is true. And they are super nice people and I like them, but I don't see them often at all and I wouldn't be hanging out with them all the time if we lived in the same city because I know them because they are related to me, not because we had some great times in high school or college together and formed a close bond. "I prefer to keep at least one state between me and family," I replied. "And if I move anywhere, it will be to our Texas office because I actually like what I do and I have a couple of friends there, including Hunter and Austin. Do you remember Austin? He dated Spark Plug for awhile. Now he's married and they just had their first baby not long ago."

See what I did there? Basically told my mother "screw family" but tried to cover my tracks by giving her some newsy information on an old friend from college. It sort of worked but it sort of backfired because the next thing she said was "I worry about you moving to place with married men as your  "Friends".  They have family commitments and you do not need to be involved with a man with "marital issues.'' Just saying." That was her knee jerk reaction, word for word (though I cleaned up her typos... mom's rocking an iPhone these days). But she's known me for 31 years so she shouldn't have been surprised when I came right back with "But BFF is a married woman with a 10 month old (she's walking and cute as a button by the way) so she wouldn't have loads of time for me either." That's right, play the naive-what-do-you-mean card.

Hunter and Austin better warn their wives because they apparently already have "marital issues" according to my mother. What's more, they better hope I don't ever transfer to the Dallas office because this bitch over here is a man eater and will just destroy the fuck out of their marriages. I had no idea that I was such a seductress or temptress. Mother knows best I suppose.

Twirling, Wirling

Dropping Houses

The evening before I went shooting with Upstairs Kid, we met up to go grab a bite to eat. Just as I got to his door, the tornado sirens started going off. "Fuck it," I said "I'll drive" as opposed to walking since we were just going up to the front of our neighborhood. I was cavalier because we'd had a tornado warning a few weeks ago and I overreacted. This time it was scarier because I was outside and watched the sky change colors (beautiful but not what I want to look at right before I'm thrown through the windows of a fast food restaurant and splattered on the pavement). I didn't get too scared, although I was nervous, and obviously everything worked out well indeed for yours truly. UK and I went about our business and then went home.

This afternoon, there were tornadoes in the Dallas area, all around my company's Texas office. That actually scared me more than when my office has gathered in a conference room when sirens have gone off in Columbus. I watched live footage on the internet and repeatedly texted my friend. I didn't realize until it was all over how tensed up I was. I have a couple of friends who work in our Texas office in the area where the storms hit, and the idea of losing them was crushing. I mean, Hunter, my best friend, works there and where would I be without him making me laugh with Happiness Fat Guy pictures and absurd things coming out of his mouth? Quite unhappy and crushed indeed, that's where. I did the sort of obnoxious thing anyone does in this situation, telling him to make sure he called and checked on his wife and to drive safely when it was safe to go. Because clearly, a man who has been married for nearly 25 years wouldn't have already called and checked on his wife and, as an adult, he's probably going to slam down a few shots before he decides to drive home. Look, I don't want children but I do have some maternal instincts and he's nice enough to just put up with it and laugh at me. For all of my bluff and gruff demeanor, I know that I'm actually a very caring person, but it struck me today just how much I care for certain people and how much they mean to me, how much losing them would hurt.

Fortunately, Hunter and my other friends are fine. I'm hoping they didn't suffer much damage to their homes. Watching the footage was horrific and my heart goes out to everyone affected, obviously.

Under Water

Work is nutty and I love it because I love what I do and love having so much work but I'm positively overwhelmed. So much so that I got up, walked passed a neighbor's cube, stopped, and said "I don't remember why I got up...oh right, I need to use the ladies room." My neighbor started cracking up and I told her to shut up because it wasn't funny. These days I'm doing six things at once and can't seem to remember to combine trips so I literally needed to pee and forgot about it and had to figure out why I was away from my desk. But seriously, things are really awesome right now. Yes, I have moments where I feel paralyzed because I don't know where to start in my mountain of work but I'll take that over having little to do. And I'm growing more and more competent as I gain more experience. These days I can reliably answer the phone and sound intelligent regardless of which book of business a physician is calling about.

This is particularly satisfying because it's been a long road to get to the level of competency I now have. I have been doing what is now my main job for roughly three and a half years. There are three main books of business that my division deals with and Book A is one I've always been well acquainted with as I worked in that unit for about three years. But Books B and C I've never worked in and I was never trained in them. But I've finally gotten the level of knowledge necessary to talk about it with interested candidates so that I can say what we are asking them in terms of review work. I also have enough experience, finally, to be able to speak with potential reviewers and not be nervous. These are all physicians, some of them arrogant and self important, a few who are unabashed about telling me they make $1,000 in fifteen minutes (that happened, an anesthesiologist who I inadvertently made feel guilty for saying such a thing). So it is gratifying to know that I am, actually a professional in my field.

I'm actually hoping to travel to Texas at some point to train a particular division in my field so that they understand that I'm a good resource for them, to let them understand what is involved with regards to clinical review. I finally feel adult enough and capable enough to feel like I have something worthy of imparting. And I know that I can create alliances, regardless of how my boss presents himself, because I know it will benefit the company and me, in the long run. All in all, it's a very good feeling indeed.

And for that, I am grateful.

Get Off My Lawn

I do not care about Pinterest. There was a brief story on NPR a few weeks ago and I heard the stupidest thing ever. This woman was talking about how she and her friends were in a furniture store and admired a chair. One of them said "I think I've seen this before." Another said "isn't that on your pinterest?" The other said "No" and whipped out her phone to take a picture so she could pin it and OH MY GOD IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING!!!! That was what the chick being interviewed thought, not what I thought. What I thought was "how many people are you going to tell about someone taking a picture of a chair?"

I also do not care about American Idol and would really like it to die. I think I've probably said that several times on this here blog but really, can you say it enough? I don't even have cable any more but I still cannot escape it because I like the internet and gossip magazines and because I work in an office with human beings who watch and discuss the show in the break room. Who will be the next American Idol? Probably some jerk starring in a youtube video.

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Can someone please explain to me how my consumer profile includes new or expectant mother? Similac sent me a card inviting me to join some moms club thing and if I respond now I can get a special smart bottle (I don't know if it is for me or my phantom baby). I triple checked the name and address and yep, it was for me. I purchase my fair share of alcohol and my diet consists of ramen, frozen pizza, popsicles, and toast and cheese. I suppose I wouldn't want me breast feeding either but I also wouldn't assume that was an issue in my life. I'm considering stocking up on hard liquor, condoms, lubricant, and porno magazines just to set my profile back to 'sad-lonely-single-adult' but fear what kind of invitations that might bring me. Larry Flynt opened a store in my area so who knows who tempting and tantalizing offers I might receive.

Speaking of Larry Flynt, did you know that Dear Abby knows him? It's true, look. I'm pretty sure she relies on old Larry for dating advice as well as porno advice.

And since I've decided to link, I'd just like to say, no shit, of course this guy kills hitchhikers in his truck. I know, I know, don't judge a book by its cover but, as my friend Birdy said, "That guy looks like ALL he does is kill hitchhikers! Ya'll see his eyeball?!? That eyeball says "I like to kill hitchhikers."

For the record, I would like to point out that the conversation regarding the Eyeballer, as I like to think of him, began at 8:43 this morning and I've been laughing like a weezing cartoon cat for about thirty minutes. But seriously, would you get into his truck?

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It's Friday, the final day of my boss's vacation and so I need to live it up a bit. I get to clear out the office refrigerators because 'other administrative duties as arise' evidently includes custodial tasks, and taking the office mail to the post office. The refrigerators won't be too big a deal since people know that when I'm doing it, I really will throw their shit out. I'm ruthless and don't care if it's nice tupperware or a cloth lunch bag, it will be thrown out. This means that most people take their shit out and so I have little to do.  It still irritates me that I have to do it at all but what are you going to do? I should have said something two years ago when someone volunteered me and the rest of my 'team' but I didn't so I just have to suck it up and throw things away. I'll fight the power some other way. 

Today is also the start of my friend's three day weekend so I won't have him to chat to until Sunday evening or Monday morning and that blows. You know how you get used to talking to someone and then they do something selfish like go on vacation or get really ill or something? That is the moment you realize not only do you talk to that person a ton, but that you see/read/hear a million things a day that you want to tell them, like the Eyeballer and things heard on NPR during your commute. There are a few people I actually miss when they take vacation time away from work and Hunter is one of them. He works in a different office so we communicate via email and instant messenger but on some days, we essentially chat all through the working day because I type super fast and can multitask and he, evidently, is a terrible employee who wastes valuable company time. I think it bothers me more when he's 'out of the office' because he doesn't even work in this office so I don't get to talk to him in person or hang out with him and so it is a double blow to not even have him to chat with online. Jerk. Something about a wife and a life and the world not revolving around me. My old boss is doing the same thing, as a matter of fact, and she'll be gone for two weeks. She's one of the people I miss when they are gone. And Birdy. She's taking a half day (which is why I have to take the fucking mail).

So, basically, I have friends who are rad as hell but who suck and don't care about my need for constant entertainment and amusement. But I love them anyway.

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LATER

Well, this day took an interesting turn. I don't know why but a few of us in my office have been losing our shit over The Eyeballer I mentioned above. I'm sorry, I know it must be mean, but we just crack up every time we see the photo. And whatever, dude killed people so laughing at him isn't horrific. Birdy made the mistake of telling me and Rambo that she couldn't stand us today because we wouldn't let the issue drop. So I did what any good friend would do; I waited until she left for the day and then printed out ten copies of various sizes of the guy's face. When she comes in on Monday, it will be to find her cubicle filled with this image:

I know, I'm the best friend anyone can have, right? And excellent use of my time. 

And when I wasn't being a dick intentionally, I was being a dick by accident and snapped the head off of my best friend. I've apologized but I do hate when I behave badly. Fortunately, the working day is almost over and I'll soon be napping.

Crummy Bunny

This is what that bunny in the picture below looks like on the legal pad on which it was drawn:

Not terribly good but he makes me giggle and it's fun to figure out what emotion he is feeling. Is he scared? Angry? Annoyed? Definitely a he though.

Remember how I told you about my friend apologizing for not robbing a bank for me? Yesterday he informed me that not only will he not rob a bank for me, he also will not fuck another man for me.

And I thought he was a friend.

Settle Down Beavis

True Friends
My friend is gone. Doesn't that suck, when your good friends all live hell and gone away from you? He's not even going home but to another office. But we had fun. We hung out and chatted and he told me some stories that cracked me the fuck up. My man has some fucking funny stories that he'll tell not necessarily understanding just how funny they are to an outside party. And he's wonderful because he just let's me laugh and tease him. We were actually out having dinner and he made me laugh so hard that I kept putting my head on the table because I was doubled over laughing. I have my own stories, hell, my life is one long march of humiliation and embarrassment but I could not, for the life of me, remember any of my stories so as to be a good friend and reciprocate. But that's one of the reasons I love him, he doesn't care. He knows I'm not going to judge him or truly make fun of him to the point of tears when he tells me things. He also knows that he can have a conversation with me on instant messenger and randomly throw in a reminder of one his stories so that I'll crack up at my desk*.

I only really got to have him around for Sunday night, Monday night, and a few hours today. But it was well worth it because he's my friend and it was great to see him when I didn't think I would again. It's a long story but, basically, he has no reason to visit my office again any time soon and I have no reason to travel to any office so, there you go. We chatted, shared a few meals, and had fun. He even got to meet Upstairs Kid. All in all, not a wasted trip. And he bought me Starbucks today and peeled an orange for me so I really scored. 

But he's gone and that sucks because it always sucks when you say goodbye to someone you like. And he's a great friend, literally my best. And you know why? Because he does things like apologize for ridiculous reasons. Have you ever had someone apologize to you for doing something or not doing something because it might have fucked them up? What the fuck is that? "I'm sorry I did or didn't do this thing for or with you because it would have caused me some serious complications." Really? What kind of friend am I? Yeah, I'm not going to be your friend if you aren't willing to fuck your life up. Who are you? I mean, come on, you're nice to me and you buy me lunch but you aren't willing to just say "fuck my life, let's do this"? Really? Well fuck you for pretending to be a true friend.

No, that isn't how life works. Don't apologize to me unless you step on my foot or punch me in the face or something. Never apologize for not doing something that is going to cause you problems just to make me happy. But that's the kind of guy he is. He apologized in case I was disappointed that he didn't, I don't know, let's say rob a bank for me. Because he was sincerely worried that I might not be his friend anymore or that I was his friend because I thought he'd rob the bank. That is a good friend, because it means I probably could have been a total dick and gotten him to rob the bank for me. And, honestly, I think I could have gotten him to. That is a true friend. But you know what? I'll just take the $3.50 latte you bought me that you can probably expense. Let's not see how far you'll go in fucking up your entire existence. I'll just trust that you care about me without that.

Aftermath - The Chronic

Someone who knows about what happened with PW asked me how things were going. I just said fine, because that is how it has been, fine. I think this person might have expected me to be carrying a grudge or having a different opinion of PW now. But honestly, I call her Powerful Woman because that's how I think of her and that hasn't changed. Yes, I no longer trust her like I used to and I feel she treated me badly. But she is still intelligent, independent, and strong. Those are attributes she just has. She's very good at what she does, she's competent. And she's just a great woman. She truly is. We all have our moments and no one is 100% on the same person, you know? So she's rad as fuck and I think the world of her. I'm disappointed with how I was treated and I don't really trust her like I once did, but I don't think at all less of her. She'd probably have had to kick my guinea pig for me to change my overall opinion of her.

This might change. I haven't had a lot of interaction since "the shit went down" but I doubt things will change, not for me. She might have changed her opinion of me and think I'm just a piece of shit, but that doesn't mean I look at her differently. Not until I'm given a really good reason to. OK, so she kind of hurt me in an offhand way and without intent. She didn't say something like "you acted like a fucking Jew, Cat." That would have made me think differently and I would have decided "Wow, PW is a total cunt." That's what you have to do to change my opinion of you if I've known you for a couple of years and have developed a good opinion of you. You have to say something racist, anti Semitic, or hit me.  So, in case you were wondering, no, I don't have a bad opinion of PW. I think she is awesome and I still admire her greatly.

Settle down.



*One of the things I do to my friends is try to make them laugh inappropriately when they are in the office or in a meeting so I deserve that.