Snobbery Lexiconery

One of the less pleasant aspects of my life in Texas is speech. OK, people have a tendency to think I'm stuck up when they first meet me regardless of my geographical location, but that is partly because I tend to be quiet in new environments. "What happened?!" Hardy har, to that old favorite stand by thrown at me by colleagues. Yes, I'm a chatter box and I'm a lot of fun, but initially I am really rather quiet just because I don't know anyone and don't know how to interact right away.

Then there is the language I use. Not the longshoreman's comfort and familiarity with such gems as "cunt" and "mother fucker" but my incredibly wide vocabulary. Hell, my url includes the word 'lexicon' so clearly I love me some words. But here in Texas I apparently sound like I'm trying to sound smart. That's what Murdoch said when I used the term "apropos" in a text message. You know why I use the word "apropos?" Because it is fucking efficient. My statement was "Apropos of nothing, I'm dressed like it is 1950." The only other way I can think of saying it is "Not that this has anything to do with what we were talking about but I am dressed like it is 1950." My version was much quicker.

The nature of my job means that I have to strip away a lot of my language and maintain a very dry, technical, informational, and pointedly detailed style. Apparently I have to do the same in casual conversations or I sound stuck up. That seems a bit unfair seeing as I majored in English and words are one of my few actual skills.

I told him that at least now I can feel more self conscious about how I speak (between the words I use and my accent, there is a lot of conversation) and his response was the very mature and understanding "Jesus. I said I'm sorry. Don't be dramatic." But it is unsettling to know that people assume, for no real reason, that you are trying to sound smart or going out of your way to drop 50 cent words when it's just habitual. I've said it before, Teacher is the only one who doesn't give me a hard time about it. He just accepts it. I spent a lot of my childhood reading and taking vocabulary lessons and words just stuck with me. Now I get to be made to feel foolish and/or pretentious for them. And I'm dramatic if I get irritated that my boyfriend of all people judges me for how I speak and assumes I'm putting on a show rather than doing what comes naturally to me.

You know what word I really wanted to use in this post? Taciturn. I wanted to say "I have a tendency to be a bit taciturn in new situations at first" but I honestly do feel really self conscious now.

Melt the world with you

You know what gets old fast? Not having power. We are on day 6 of "Will she spontaneously combust or just melt" and cheese and rice am I over it. Yesterday, the 4th of July, was the worst so far (with meteorologists predicting it to get even worse today through Saturday). It was too hot to do anything but just lay around, alternating between the sofa and the bed, a cold wet pillow case draped across the forehead. I couldn't even cry I was too pathetic and tired and hot. I did mentally shake my fist at the sky whilst silently bartering with the world, though. If I get my power back I swear, I'll be neater/tidier. I'll be more organized. I'll do more for charity. I'll, I'll, I'll. I promised a lot to mother nature and the gods of AEP but nothing doing.

And how irritating is it that when you are going through something, the world news totally ignores you? Every story I read has to do with the Mid Atlantic and their loss of power; nothing about Ohio unless you read the locals. I wonder if the people in the Mid Atlantic only find stories about the Mid West when looking for information on their outage. People are hot, people are angry, let's fuck with the media to really stir the pot! That is how miserable it is just now; my brain is melting into a conspiracy theory candle.

And miserable is how I am. Hunter told me to have a Happy 4th of July on Tuesday and I swear to god, you'd have thought he'd told me to go fuck my mother the way I snapped at him. I charge my laptops and phone at work so that I have some internet when I get home and there was his email, wishing me a happy fourth. I got super pissed and told him to get fucked because he knew I didn't have power and he knew it was hot as balls and he knew life was awful and all the care bears in the world had exploded. Teach that mother fucker to say anything kind to me. "Have a Happy 4th, Simply!" "Get fucked you selfish asshole, Hunter!"

Poor guy. I wonder if I was that bad with J? Granted, this is my first experience living through a sweltering summer without electricity (I found one more item in the fridge to throw out and I am not exaggerating when I say that I almost vomited - twice - from the smell of it) so I'm a bit on edge. Sleep is all but impossible, with multiple wakings throughout the night, soak covered wakings, bringing nothing but a vague depression because seriously-it-is-too-fucking-hot-to-even-sleep-how-is-this-fair?????? So I like to think I wouldn't necessarily have bitten Hunter's head off if not for circumstances. I should have a sign around my neck reading "approach with caution".

Here's hoping the mother fuckers at the electric company get my power up and running soon. I know they aren't mother fuckers and that they are doing their best and working very hard but it is very demoralizing to have EVERYTHING up and running around you and no power in your own home. And if I have power when I get home today, I promise I will be better about recycling.

Get Off My Lawn

I do not care about Pinterest. There was a brief story on NPR a few weeks ago and I heard the stupidest thing ever. This woman was talking about how she and her friends were in a furniture store and admired a chair. One of them said "I think I've seen this before." Another said "isn't that on your pinterest?" The other said "No" and whipped out her phone to take a picture so she could pin it and OH MY GOD IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING!!!! That was what the chick being interviewed thought, not what I thought. What I thought was "how many people are you going to tell about someone taking a picture of a chair?"

I also do not care about American Idol and would really like it to die. I think I've probably said that several times on this here blog but really, can you say it enough? I don't even have cable any more but I still cannot escape it because I like the internet and gossip magazines and because I work in an office with human beings who watch and discuss the show in the break room. Who will be the next American Idol? Probably some jerk starring in a youtube video.

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Can someone please explain to me how my consumer profile includes new or expectant mother? Similac sent me a card inviting me to join some moms club thing and if I respond now I can get a special smart bottle (I don't know if it is for me or my phantom baby). I triple checked the name and address and yep, it was for me. I purchase my fair share of alcohol and my diet consists of ramen, frozen pizza, popsicles, and toast and cheese. I suppose I wouldn't want me breast feeding either but I also wouldn't assume that was an issue in my life. I'm considering stocking up on hard liquor, condoms, lubricant, and porno magazines just to set my profile back to 'sad-lonely-single-adult' but fear what kind of invitations that might bring me. Larry Flynt opened a store in my area so who knows who tempting and tantalizing offers I might receive.

Speaking of Larry Flynt, did you know that Dear Abby knows him? It's true, look. I'm pretty sure she relies on old Larry for dating advice as well as porno advice.

And since I've decided to link, I'd just like to say, no shit, of course this guy kills hitchhikers in his truck. I know, I know, don't judge a book by its cover but, as my friend Birdy said, "That guy looks like ALL he does is kill hitchhikers! Ya'll see his eyeball?!? That eyeball says "I like to kill hitchhikers."

For the record, I would like to point out that the conversation regarding the Eyeballer, as I like to think of him, began at 8:43 this morning and I've been laughing like a weezing cartoon cat for about thirty minutes. But seriously, would you get into his truck?

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It's Friday, the final day of my boss's vacation and so I need to live it up a bit. I get to clear out the office refrigerators because 'other administrative duties as arise' evidently includes custodial tasks, and taking the office mail to the post office. The refrigerators won't be too big a deal since people know that when I'm doing it, I really will throw their shit out. I'm ruthless and don't care if it's nice tupperware or a cloth lunch bag, it will be thrown out. This means that most people take their shit out and so I have little to do.  It still irritates me that I have to do it at all but what are you going to do? I should have said something two years ago when someone volunteered me and the rest of my 'team' but I didn't so I just have to suck it up and throw things away. I'll fight the power some other way. 

Today is also the start of my friend's three day weekend so I won't have him to chat to until Sunday evening or Monday morning and that blows. You know how you get used to talking to someone and then they do something selfish like go on vacation or get really ill or something? That is the moment you realize not only do you talk to that person a ton, but that you see/read/hear a million things a day that you want to tell them, like the Eyeballer and things heard on NPR during your commute. There are a few people I actually miss when they take vacation time away from work and Hunter is one of them. He works in a different office so we communicate via email and instant messenger but on some days, we essentially chat all through the working day because I type super fast and can multitask and he, evidently, is a terrible employee who wastes valuable company time. I think it bothers me more when he's 'out of the office' because he doesn't even work in this office so I don't get to talk to him in person or hang out with him and so it is a double blow to not even have him to chat with online. Jerk. Something about a wife and a life and the world not revolving around me. My old boss is doing the same thing, as a matter of fact, and she'll be gone for two weeks. She's one of the people I miss when they are gone. And Birdy. She's taking a half day (which is why I have to take the fucking mail).

So, basically, I have friends who are rad as hell but who suck and don't care about my need for constant entertainment and amusement. But I love them anyway.

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LATER

Well, this day took an interesting turn. I don't know why but a few of us in my office have been losing our shit over The Eyeballer I mentioned above. I'm sorry, I know it must be mean, but we just crack up every time we see the photo. And whatever, dude killed people so laughing at him isn't horrific. Birdy made the mistake of telling me and Rambo that she couldn't stand us today because we wouldn't let the issue drop. So I did what any good friend would do; I waited until she left for the day and then printed out ten copies of various sizes of the guy's face. When she comes in on Monday, it will be to find her cubicle filled with this image:

I know, I'm the best friend anyone can have, right? And excellent use of my time. 

And when I wasn't being a dick intentionally, I was being a dick by accident and snapped the head off of my best friend. I've apologized but I do hate when I behave badly. Fortunately, the working day is almost over and I'll soon be napping.

Shut Up - Also, please leave me alone

Shhhh
I really need to just stop talking. Actually, it's not even talking come to think of it. I just need to stop communicating with people that I work with/for. Two stupid things I've emailed so far today.

This was emailed to a colleague who thanked me for sending her a client code
"Yep. Feel free to ask me anything if you ever have questions. Like I said, I always just assume everyone already knows this stuff and they just didn't tell me. Because apparently I think the whole world is a "No Cats allowed" club or something."

I could have just said "you're welcome" or not responded. But no, not this jerk. I had to let her know that she could always come to me with questions, which is fine, but then I had to add on the rest of that god awful nonsense.

This was emailed in response to a fucking client of all people.
"Thank you. I have a feeling the names are not released unless the case goes to trial. There are only 9 pediatric surgeons licensed in the state of Delaware so if an organization like mine could manage to find one who didn't know the other 8 so that s/he could perform a review, s/he would probably think twice about doing so for fear that the other 8 would black ball him/her (the English language really dropped the ball by not coming up with a good word to replace him/her)."

Really? What the fuck did I have to add that last thing for. The rest of it makes perfect sense and was not necessarily inappropriate for me to say. But "the English language really dropped the ball..."? Really, stupid? Do you think the client needed to know what was going through your little brain as you were typing?

And it isn't even 11 a.m. yet.

Bunnies

 Somehow I managed to get a ton of work that needs to be done and no time to do it. I guess that's what happens when you take half a day off? I don't know. All I know is that there are a bunch of people who need or want things from me, a bunch of stuff I need to do, and just too much stuff and nonsense in general. I decided I needed to be left in peace to complete some of this shit and so I made the following sign to hang outside my cubicle (since I don't have a door I can just shut). I wanted to be polite so I worded it very carefully:

"I have a ton and a half of work to do and every time I try to get one thing accomplished, six other things pop out of nowhere like rapidly multiplying bunnies. I can successfully chase maybe two bunnies at a time, and the rest have to run around until I get to them.

 Please help me wrangle the bunnies by allowing me a few hours of uninterrupted silence broken only by truly critical needs. I promise I will take care of your bunny as soon as possible." 

So far, it seems to be working.