Snobbery Lexiconery

One of the less pleasant aspects of my life in Texas is speech. OK, people have a tendency to think I'm stuck up when they first meet me regardless of my geographical location, but that is partly because I tend to be quiet in new environments. "What happened?!" Hardy har, to that old favorite stand by thrown at me by colleagues. Yes, I'm a chatter box and I'm a lot of fun, but initially I am really rather quiet just because I don't know anyone and don't know how to interact right away.

Then there is the language I use. Not the longshoreman's comfort and familiarity with such gems as "cunt" and "mother fucker" but my incredibly wide vocabulary. Hell, my url includes the word 'lexicon' so clearly I love me some words. But here in Texas I apparently sound like I'm trying to sound smart. That's what Murdoch said when I used the term "apropos" in a text message. You know why I use the word "apropos?" Because it is fucking efficient. My statement was "Apropos of nothing, I'm dressed like it is 1950." The only other way I can think of saying it is "Not that this has anything to do with what we were talking about but I am dressed like it is 1950." My version was much quicker.

The nature of my job means that I have to strip away a lot of my language and maintain a very dry, technical, informational, and pointedly detailed style. Apparently I have to do the same in casual conversations or I sound stuck up. That seems a bit unfair seeing as I majored in English and words are one of my few actual skills.

I told him that at least now I can feel more self conscious about how I speak (between the words I use and my accent, there is a lot of conversation) and his response was the very mature and understanding "Jesus. I said I'm sorry. Don't be dramatic." But it is unsettling to know that people assume, for no real reason, that you are trying to sound smart or going out of your way to drop 50 cent words when it's just habitual. I've said it before, Teacher is the only one who doesn't give me a hard time about it. He just accepts it. I spent a lot of my childhood reading and taking vocabulary lessons and words just stuck with me. Now I get to be made to feel foolish and/or pretentious for them. And I'm dramatic if I get irritated that my boyfriend of all people judges me for how I speak and assumes I'm putting on a show rather than doing what comes naturally to me.

You know what word I really wanted to use in this post? Taciturn. I wanted to say "I have a tendency to be a bit taciturn in new situations at first" but I honestly do feel really self conscious now.

Oh COME on!

After all that automotive turmoil and ruining my finances, I once again pulled myself together. Only I was ill. I'm not super ill or anything, just run down and tired (probably from all that crying) but forging on and fighting the good fight.

Then yesterday happened. Not only did this ASSHAT that I am forced to work with piss me off tremendously, but I got to have the most awesome evening ever. Before I even begin, let me just say that my plan had been to go home, let Johan out for awhile, and then go directly to bed. Here is what happened instead.

I went home and was talking to my friend when I went to let the pig out. Then I started freaking out and making ungodly noises because OH MY FUCKING GOD his eye!!! One of Johan's eyes was enormous and creepy and freaking me out and what do I do? Once my friend realized I wasn't being attacked, he kindly suggested that I hang up and call the vet. I tried the animal hospital across the street but they don't take guinea pigs (then I think you should be called a VET and not a HOSPITAL but that's just because I have a DIFFICULT animal). Then I called his normal vet and they said I could come in and be treated like a walk in.

It just looks so creepy. I mean, it's like I'm living with a small, furry version of the Eyeballer.

I was told that he has an ulcer on his eye. It could be from trauma (he may have walked into something or poked himself in the eye with hay) or he might have an abscess behind the eye. I get to put ointment on the eyeball three times a day (so I not only get to stare at it, I get to try and manage to get ointment on it) and give him an oral anti inflammatory twice a day (much easier). If I don't see improvement in a few days, I have to call the vet. If he has an abscess (gulp), they'll have to remove the eye to get to it.

I have taken to sleeping in my closet because my apartment is so cold (I have a large walk in closet) and now I might have a one eyed guinea pig. Can we stop with the eccentricity (seriously though, my bedroom is cavernous and freezing and the closet is warm and cozy).

But poor Johan. He doesn't seem to notice anything amiss so hopefully this was caught in time (what the fuck dude?! Your eye was fine yesterday). And I really hope he doesn't have to lose the eye. Poor little fellow. When we got home I very guiltily just put him back in his cage with some parsley and went and hid in my closet for the rest of the night. My plan was to go to bed early and I'd just drifted off when my neighbor called me and started texting me. So now, when I get home, I get to go with her to the leasing office because I'm her witness that I told another neighbor that this one spot was handicapped (she didn't know because of the snow) and I guess words were exchanged and whatever. She's a very nice lady and has been kind to me but dude, really? From now on I am not talking to a damn person after 8:59 (I didn't actually answer my phone but I responded to her text this morning).

So I have zero point zero dollars in the bank, I despise my work situation, my guinea pig has health problems, and my free time is spent in a closet hiding from the world. I am just killing this whole business of being a grown up, aren't I? This pretty much sums up my life these days:

If my brother had only bought me the Bat Mobile like he promised

The power went out at work yesterday... for three hours. Why no, no we were not sent home. Instead, we all sort of milled around the dark office, chatting and occasionally feeling guilty for not working only to remember that yeah, we couldn't work. Power out, phones down, nothing to do but chat and play angry birds on our phones. When it came back on, a great cheer went up and we all ran to the coffee machine for a refill, only to find that we were out of regular coffee. Thus, the old pots had to be used with the lesser stuff, which was a tragedy in itself. And we are stuck with crappy coffee until next week.*

As you can see, it was a rough day. That must be why I was so exhausted that I took an hour nap after work, something I've not done in ages.

Anyhow. My car ended up costing me about $480 so that was awesome. Slapped it on my credit card and thought "meh, I can't afford the debt I have so why not?" and drove back to work wondering if it felt like it was driving poorly or if that is how cars should feel since mine was such a cluster fuck (previously it would rev up when I put it in park, something it's done for years). The jury is still out so I just have to hope it is driving better and that it is as good as new with the straight from the mechanic smell. And as for that credit card, it's minimum payment is already embarrassingly enormous and I had to pay said payment yesterday so after I pay rent, I'll be lucky if I have $50 in the bank to hold me until next payday. I know, who does that? Well, I sent $100 to my cousin to help her out and I had to buy a battery for my car ($117 or so) and I had to have my car towed (about $40) and so you know. I shouldn't have sent the money to my cousin and I shouldn't have bought the battery (but how was I to know I had a misfiring cylinder, carbon build up, and a blown gasket?) but I can't exactly make that unhappen, now can I?

A friend very kindly offered to loan me some money (OK, I asked the friend if they could) even though I made it pretty clear that the payback will probably not be until 2029 or until I come into a whole bunch of money. Borrowing money from a friend has got to be the worst feeling ever when it comes to this sort of thing. I even offered to find more stuff to sell but was told "absolutely not" and something about friends helping each other out and caring about one another. I don't remember all that was said because I was weeping with gratitude (and deep, deep shame) at the time. But said friend was right and I have some great ones. Tits gave me a ride to work on Tuesday and Storm gave me a ride to the shop that day so that I could get my car. Nameless friend** is lending me money. Having friends is pretty freaking sweet.

Hopefully this will be my last post regarding my car because I don't think I have the strength to deal with more automotive trauma. And, seeing as the weather literally went from 60 degrees to 23 degrees overnight, if it breaks down again I'll most likely just freeze to death and be left for wild animals to eat me. That's not the way I want to go.

Speaking of going, I want to go get more water and mediocre coffee but I'll leave you with this:

1. Evidently there are kiddie couture blogs. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, how obsessive are you that you are buying your kid super expensive clothing, styling them, and posting pictures of them on your blog? On the other hand, meh, we all like what we like and who am I to judge? But the whole super pricey kiddie clothes will always bother me... just because I'm poor.
2. I've turned into one of those jerks who posts pictures of the food she makes on Facebook. I don't post them here because I can't really be bothered/it never turns out well enough to merit a blog post but I can't help but put them on FB. I figure people can just defriend me or hide me if they don't like it. Just as I'd do them if they started posting their kiddie couture. 
3. I like Gabrielle Giffords, I do. I think she is a nice lady with politics that are not super scary. But can we not trot her out after episodes of gun violence? I feel like she is being exploited and turned into some sort of mascot and it makes me sad. But I suppose no one is making her do it, right? 
4. There is something on the tip of my tongue but I just can't think of it so adieu.

*I don't know why we have to wait. We have a regular delivery on Mondays but if we run out on Wednesday why can't we order more? Or how about we order a little extra this time? I'm sure it is a money thing and I know we aren't entitled to good office coffee, but for some reason that just irritated the shit out of me. 

**I'm not naming the friend because money things seem somewhat intimate and personal and it just seems wrong. That and I don't want you to get the wrong idea and think I'm blowing a male friend or giving a female friend a rim job for the money or anything. Because that is so totally what you would think. And so would I.

A Perfectly Thursday Sort of Post

Oh So Inappropriate
Oh cell phones! Aren't they wonderful? My favorite thing is getting a text from someone I don't know and then responding inappropriately. The following exchange took place yesterday evening.

Stranger: "Hey mommy this is mi new phone."
Me: "Mommy's at the neighbor's helping him lay some pipe."

Hey, I didn't know I was talking to a twelve year old until after she harassed me for a bit and I told her, for a second time, to leave me alone. I really hope the name she gave me was fake but, with kids, you never can tell. Explains her terrible spelling though. Her response to my pipe laying remark was unintelligible. But I think she's white because she went on to tell "mommy" that she was dating a black boy named KD.

Has anyone else noticed how sexy our government has gotten? I don't think it has been so sexy since Clinton was in office sexing up the interns. Now the Secret Service is getting in on the action with their Colombian hookers.  I, personally, see nothing wrong with hookers and nothing wrong with men paying for them, so part of me thinks this whole to-do is a non-issue. Rather, I would think that if we were talking about the American Men's Olympic Gymnastics team or The Ohio State University's football team. But we aren't; we are talking about the Secret Service. Does it bother me that they hired some prostitutes period? Absolutely not. But if you have the fucking word "secret" anywhere in your job description or divisional title, then act smarter and don't get caught. And if you are going to hire a prostitute, pay her for her services. That is just good manners. No haggling, OK? And no, your penis and your performance are probably not adequate compensation.

Petty Annoyances

The following are trivial things that I find to be irksome.We all have them and they are usually really minor. Feel free to share your own. Mine all happen to have to do with work because that's where I am most of the day.

• The smell of lean cuisine type meals heating up in the microwave. It never really bothered me until I began working at a company where so many people heat up these things at or around the same time.
• The smell of popcorn. Ditto above.
• When I tell my boss I'm pressed for time, he comes over to talk to me about what can be delegated, and then proceeds to engage me in idyll chit chat for fifteen minutes. 
• Voice mail messages.
• The fact that the clocks on our computers and the clocks on our telephones do not match up. It used to be worse, with a two or three minute discrepancy, but even the weird thirty minute lag time irritates me.
• When I receive a request from someone who basically wants me to be a middle man for no good reason. Sally Sunshine is contacted by someone about having misplaced his manual. Sally emails me and asks me to forward the manual. Sally has fucking access to the manual but has decided I'm the one who needs to send it. Sally Sunshine should work for the government.
• When people reply all on email chains without considering who "all" comprises. 
• Having to lock up everything even if I'm just walking down to the printer. 
• When people hold teleconferences in cubicles or in offices with the door open so we can all hear.
• When I repeatedly x out of programs I need to keep open because I have so many windows open and there is a delay in closing the ones I don't need to keep up and so I double click the x.
• The curve in my spine that I'm developing from my desk job... not that I want to be out in the field running through obstacle courses or anything.

Whiz Bang

Today started out splendidly. I woke up early and got out of bed (well, off the couch as it were) by 6:30. I was packed for work and so decided to drink coffee and read the news until 7, when I got ready for work. Being up early, I took time with my appearance for a change, thinking about the outfit and even putting on makeup as I had a networking event scheduled this evening. I set off at about 7:40 and was feeling pretty optimistic.

Then I somehow managed to forget that the oncoming traffic had two lanes and so I tried to make a left turn and got hit by a car. Here, this is how it happened.

The accident was, obviously, scary. After all, someone smashed into the back of my car and I didn't know what was going to happen. Fortunately, I was fine as were the driver and passenger of the other car. The driver wanted to be mean to me at first, I could tell with his approach, but I was so helpful and forthcoming and deferential (I was shaking and just wanted it over with) that he ended up being nice to me. He was even nicer once I started crying uncontrollably whilst also apologizing for crying uncontrollably.

Nothing like a car accident to fuck up your day, especially when you are at fault. Unfortunately, he insisted on calling the police and I am incapable of lying to the police so I didn't try to say that I had the green arrow (if I had, no one would have gotten a ticket... but I didn't say that so I got a ticket) and received a citation that will cost me $126. That is one hundred twenty six more dollars than I can afford. And my car is banged up enough that I had to take it to a shop. I won't have any body work done but I need to have something or other fixed so that I don't end up in a worse situation on the highway. That will cost me many more dollars than I can afford as well.

But it is over for now. I've dealt with the insurance people (my car isn't a very good one so I only have liability) and I followed up with the other driver to ingratiate myself and to thank him for not being a total lunatic. Even though he seemed like he wanted to be mad, I appreciated his holding back and being calm and courteous in the end. The cop was super nice too. I think he felt really bad for me just because I couldn't stop crying.

I'll be working from home until I get my car back though I took personal time today, just because I couldn't focus on anything really. I'm extremely fortunate to have the ability to work from home even though I don't like doing it very often because there is no one to talk to or gossip with and the pig yells at me all day. But I'm grateful for the ability and will take full advantage of it.

The best thing to come out of this was that I finally made myself a Side Car utilizing this recipe from one of my favorite blogs. These are just as delightful as Her Laundress states and they certainly did the trick when I needed fortification. It is my new signature drink, replacing the Singapore Sling, and I plan on ordering it every place I go since I actually know how to make it. I looked up the measurements and it looks to be roughly 1 1/2 oz brandy, 3/4 oz Triple Sec, and 3/4 oz fresh lemon juice. Try it, seriously. Don't like brandy? Hardly noticeable (and I like brandy), at least if you use the kind I am, which turns out to be diluted.

Drive safely, children. You never know what idiot is on the road with you forgetting how many lanes there are.

Teenage Angst Revisited (or, how I feel today)

A Few Musings

1: Justin Timberlake brought sexy back in 2006. I think the shelf life on referring to him and the term "sexy back" was met a few years ago. Can the media please stop now?

2: I really like the song "You and I" by Lady Gaga but the blatant grammatical error irks the fuck out of me. I'm not even a grammar nazi but really? Look it up kids.

3: The cool thing about being an adult is that you only have to obey the rules of The Man, and he is not your father.

4: The shitty part about being an adult is that The Man has far worse consequences than your dad.

5: The fact that I have a sharps container creeps me out too.

6: I give to charity all year long, whether it is my time or money, and hate having the bell ringers say "god bless you" when I put a dollar in the red tin. But I'm too big a pussy to say anything. That and I don't want to give anyone trouble. Poor fucker has to stand and ring that bell in whatever weather there is.

7: I give to charity because I can and because I was on reduced lunch as a kid. I could use those reduced lunch coupons now though.

8: I never liked Brittney Spears before but now I can't even recognize her music. I'm beginning to think she went off the deep end and was not healed but just died and they trotted out a cyborg in her stead.

Next thing you know, it'll want a coming out party

The neuro-ophthalmologist should have a sign outside his door reading "The only news you get from me is shitty news." My right eye (the bad one) is doing really well. The neuritis is healing up very well but there is permanent damage done that is irreversible. Blow one to my hitherto good spirits. But, to an extent, I was kind of prepared for this. I know that when your immune system attacks the myelin around nerves and then another part decides to try and fix it, the fix isn't good as new. It's like putting a patch over a hole in your tire instead of buying a new one. It works OK, but it isn't the same thing.

Blow two was much harder to swallow. Remember that healthy left eye? It's been all swagger and bombast the last few weeks. Four weeks ago when I saw my neuro-ophth, there were signs of some decline in this eye but I was told not to worry too much because this sort of thing happens; the good eye spontaneously declines and repairs for no known reason. No big deal. Liar! There are signs of permanent damage to my so-called good eye as well, which means I probably had a mild neuritis in it as well, which spontaneously repaired itself. The damage isn't as bad as in my right eye, but that isn't the point. The point, ladies and gentleman, is that if there was a mild neuritis there as well, my disease is active.

I find this upsetting though I'm not sure why. I wasn't expecting this news, thought I'd just saunter in and out of this appointment with some nice visual field tests under my belt and that would be that. Nope! Present disease activity! Oh boy! This will certainly influence how my neurologists decides to treat my particular form of MS and there isn't anything I can do about it so calm down, right? And considering that I'm not even sure why I'm upset about this, I figure I won't actually be upset for very long.

And that was my Thursday.