If my brother had only bought me the Bat Mobile like he promised

The power went out at work yesterday... for three hours. Why no, no we were not sent home. Instead, we all sort of milled around the dark office, chatting and occasionally feeling guilty for not working only to remember that yeah, we couldn't work. Power out, phones down, nothing to do but chat and play angry birds on our phones. When it came back on, a great cheer went up and we all ran to the coffee machine for a refill, only to find that we were out of regular coffee. Thus, the old pots had to be used with the lesser stuff, which was a tragedy in itself. And we are stuck with crappy coffee until next week.*

As you can see, it was a rough day. That must be why I was so exhausted that I took an hour nap after work, something I've not done in ages.

Anyhow. My car ended up costing me about $480 so that was awesome. Slapped it on my credit card and thought "meh, I can't afford the debt I have so why not?" and drove back to work wondering if it felt like it was driving poorly or if that is how cars should feel since mine was such a cluster fuck (previously it would rev up when I put it in park, something it's done for years). The jury is still out so I just have to hope it is driving better and that it is as good as new with the straight from the mechanic smell. And as for that credit card, it's minimum payment is already embarrassingly enormous and I had to pay said payment yesterday so after I pay rent, I'll be lucky if I have $50 in the bank to hold me until next payday. I know, who does that? Well, I sent $100 to my cousin to help her out and I had to buy a battery for my car ($117 or so) and I had to have my car towed (about $40) and so you know. I shouldn't have sent the money to my cousin and I shouldn't have bought the battery (but how was I to know I had a misfiring cylinder, carbon build up, and a blown gasket?) but I can't exactly make that unhappen, now can I?

A friend very kindly offered to loan me some money (OK, I asked the friend if they could) even though I made it pretty clear that the payback will probably not be until 2029 or until I come into a whole bunch of money. Borrowing money from a friend has got to be the worst feeling ever when it comes to this sort of thing. I even offered to find more stuff to sell but was told "absolutely not" and something about friends helping each other out and caring about one another. I don't remember all that was said because I was weeping with gratitude (and deep, deep shame) at the time. But said friend was right and I have some great ones. Tits gave me a ride to work on Tuesday and Storm gave me a ride to the shop that day so that I could get my car. Nameless friend** is lending me money. Having friends is pretty freaking sweet.

Hopefully this will be my last post regarding my car because I don't think I have the strength to deal with more automotive trauma. And, seeing as the weather literally went from 60 degrees to 23 degrees overnight, if it breaks down again I'll most likely just freeze to death and be left for wild animals to eat me. That's not the way I want to go.

Speaking of going, I want to go get more water and mediocre coffee but I'll leave you with this:

1. Evidently there are kiddie couture blogs. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, how obsessive are you that you are buying your kid super expensive clothing, styling them, and posting pictures of them on your blog? On the other hand, meh, we all like what we like and who am I to judge? But the whole super pricey kiddie clothes will always bother me... just because I'm poor.
2. I've turned into one of those jerks who posts pictures of the food she makes on Facebook. I don't post them here because I can't really be bothered/it never turns out well enough to merit a blog post but I can't help but put them on FB. I figure people can just defriend me or hide me if they don't like it. Just as I'd do them if they started posting their kiddie couture. 
3. I like Gabrielle Giffords, I do. I think she is a nice lady with politics that are not super scary. But can we not trot her out after episodes of gun violence? I feel like she is being exploited and turned into some sort of mascot and it makes me sad. But I suppose no one is making her do it, right? 
4. There is something on the tip of my tongue but I just can't think of it so adieu.

*I don't know why we have to wait. We have a regular delivery on Mondays but if we run out on Wednesday why can't we order more? Or how about we order a little extra this time? I'm sure it is a money thing and I know we aren't entitled to good office coffee, but for some reason that just irritated the shit out of me. 

**I'm not naming the friend because money things seem somewhat intimate and personal and it just seems wrong. That and I don't want you to get the wrong idea and think I'm blowing a male friend or giving a female friend a rim job for the money or anything. Because that is so totally what you would think. And so would I.

Poof

Breaking the Camel's Back

It's always fun to find new levels of pain that our bodies will dredge up when we find that we are, in fact, more stressed than we've ever been. Nice to know I have something to look forward to and that I can never say "well, at least it can't get worse." The usual insomnia and hysterical crying jags are par for the course (though the frequency of said crying jags has increased) but the tensing up of neck muscles as soon as I hit a road near my office and the clenching of my jaw throughout the day is not. Nor is the acid reflux I developed for a few days. That's what acid reflux is? What a bitch I am for thinking it couldn't be that bad. It's like with allergies; I used to think allergies just meant you were a pussy and then I realized that no, that's not what it is. And I didn't even develop any myself. But reflux, oy vey. And it just seems counter-intuitive to me that when it happens I need to eat. I feel like I'm about to throw up any moment and I'm supposed to put food on it? Ooph.

So yes, stress. Work has had me bent over for so long now that my knees are locked in place. Just the constant demands on my time from people who like to tell me how busy they are all the time. Whenever people say "we've just been too busy" I want to punch them in the throat because what the fuck? I'm busy too, partly because these assholes are clueless and disorganized and are just plain assholes. But my manager appears to have spoken with someone because all of a sudden the frequent requests/demands have stopped. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop however, waiting for the head of the division that has been the noose around my neck to pull back on the rope. My friend tells me not to worry unless or until something comes up but I find that difficult a lot of the time because I despise the unknown. So my neck tenses up and my body refuses to relax enough to sleep.

Medical Madness

Saw my neurologist on Friday. We went through the usual exam and he said I was fine and he had no worries. He's leaving for Yale in December and I'll see one of his colleagues, all of whom he says are nice people. "I don't need them to be nice, " I said, "I just need them to be good." His response was "well, you aren't what I'd call a difficult patient." Lovely compliment.

But I'm glad that he doesn't foresee me having any issues. Still, I have a follow up MRI on September 7, when we'll see if I have any new inflammation (fingers crossed). And he prescribed me an anti anxiety medication at my request, because work is so stressful. Maybe it is a placebo effect or maybe it is already working but suffice it to say, it is my new best friend.

Respite

Upstairs Kid and I went shooting on Saturday. I did really poorly at first. My stance was off, I wasn't using the proper part of my finger to shoot, and I wasn't sure which eye to use. I eventually settled on the left, UK corrected how I was holding my arms and reminded me to use the flesh of my finger pad only. I improved greatly. And I had a great time. As we left the range, we saw a small plane flying low. I got it into my head that there might be an airshow and said "do you want to have an adventure?" UK was all for it so we did a U Turn and found the Fairfield airport, one of those small ones for private planes. We stumbled upon a historic airplane museum which was tiny and a bit sad but super fun because I got to sit in these little war replica planes an jeeps and such. We also got to see sky divers come in, those who took off at the other end of the hanger. Total fun.


From there we decided to cap the day with lunch and he suggested Rusty Bucket and swore he knew where it was. He sort of did but he'd gone there by bike so we got a bit turned around before finding it. As soon as we arrived I received a text from a number I didn't recognize. "I was thinking about you and hope you are doing OK. Take it for what it is ... take care." I didn't need Columbo or Sherlock to help me figure out that it was most likely Stalker. I forwarded it to Hunter so he could look up the number and yep, Stalker indeed. I received a second, garbled text about an hour later. "My dog and I didn't expect to get a reply but we wish you would". At least, I think that is what it said but it was really fucked up because he was drunk and/or high. Lovely. Fortunately, that was the end of it and I haven't heard from him since and when I returned to work on Monday, I didn't look at him. He did email me a forward to see if an issue that was closed had really been taken care of and I simply replied "no. For more detail please see the telecom worker involved." No wiggle room there. If he approaches me again Hunter said he'd call him and see what his problem is. Friends in high places.

Emotional

So Friday was a good medical appointment and, for the most part, a great Saturday. I stayed at UK's place that night because we went out drinking so I crashed on his floor. Got up at 7:30 a.m. and went to drive home but hit a fucking curb fucking up my rim. The tow truck guy was nice and even researched my preferred shop. Dropped car off, went back to UK's place to watch a couple episodes of "Deadliest Warrior"*, and eventually got the call that they put a spare on and would call me when they had the rim. Went home and crashed.

And then.... J called me on Sunday and told me that he wanted to let me know that he felt bad about not responding to my emails. He knows it's over and that I don't want to be his wife but he still loves me and so when I email him, it consumes him. I didn't know. We had an emotional conversation. In the end, I told him I'd stop emailing until he was ready and he reached out. It was a terrible conversation but a funny one because he always makes me laugh. He said goodbye by saying "well, it's been good crying with you but I think I should go." We talked about how he is really angry at me but really sad and can't help but love me. We talked about how he's so full of hate and anger and I just wish he could use it for good for once (it's true, he's an angry guy) and he said he's tried that but it doesn't work. I told him that whenever he calls I'm afraid he's going to yell at me and he said he thinks that's what I want because it will make me feel less guilty. "No, J, that isn't what I want. I'm terrified when you yell. And nothing will make me feel less guilty."

There were a few jokes about the pig, about how I signed papers giving him custody but that I have to pay for his maintenance and medical care. J also needs me to watch him from now until the pig dies. But still, Johan is no longer mine. The pig always distracts us from crying for a bit.

But yeah, tomorrow is D day. I have directions. I have my outfit planned (professional to show that I'm treating the occasion with respect). I have anti anxiety medication.

I have no idea how I'm going to hold my shit together.

The end

As you can see, I'm a bit scattered. I've been working on this post for awhile and I just can't write with any sense of cohesive narrative. I'm hoping the new meds help. Or maybe I'll go back to drawing pictures. Who knows? Who cares?