End of Blog

My cognitive functioning is failing. I joke about it and tell people "thank god I was born so smart" but it is terrifying. My brightness is going to be dimmed from here on out and I can't do anything about it. I can't do puzzles or anything to work my brain. I'm just going to lose it.

Before I knew I had MS, I lost vision in my right eye to optic neuritis. I made J promise that if I went blind, he would read to me. Because I thought the worst thing in my life would be not being able to read.

I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong. I'm facing the worst thing and I can do nothing about it. Slowly, I am going to lose my brain. Dumber and dumber I'll get. And I'll I know it.

I think I need to stop with this blog. It's been fun

It's Official, I Need a Guardian

In order to mix things up a bit, seeing as the crumbling of my life hasn't been enough, I decided to spend a few hours in Urgent Care this morning. I'd bought a new kitchen knife and was using another knife to remove the packaging when I chopped into my right index finger. So much blood. I think my body wanted to freak out but I immediately grabbed some paper towels to stem the bleeding. When it was clear that I needed stitches, I sent a Facebook message to the Bat stating that I needed him and that I was pretty sure I needed stitches. He had me send him a picture and, as he got ready, directed me to tape up the wound and splint it. Two Muppets band-aids and a separated clothes pin later, I was in business. Sure, my finger was numb but the bleeding had stopped and the Bat showed up shortly to take a look, agree that I def needed stitches and drive me to UC.

That was the main reason I contacted him, actually, for the ride, as I wasn't sure I could drive given it was my dominant hand. I'm extremely glad that he was able to come for me because he was a huge help in the waiting area. He didn't just fill out forms whilst I had my hand resting in some antibiotic soup, he also told me what to expect seeing as he'd had many a run in with nasty cuts from his construction days. It was also nice to have someone there for the painful moments.

See, the actual chopping into my finger didn't hurt at all. Sharp fucking knife and one swift move made it totally painless... maybe shock helped. But the needle to anesthetize the area hurt like a son of a bitch. The stitches weren't too bad until the final two of five, when the physician assistant had to stitch into an area that wasn't numb. I actually said "mother fucker that hurts" as I cried and raised off the gurney, though I kept my hand still. That shit hurt, a lot. Most of it was fine and I actually giggled after the first stitch when dude pulled my skin together because it reminded me of my sewing days. But man, those final stitches and that last knot were brutal.

It's over now. A nurse came in and, oddly, did not clean the wound but just put some gauze on it and wrapped it in an Ace bandage (she even gave me the leftover as a parting gift). I'm to get an antibiotic (more in a moment) and go in tomorrow to make sure things look as they should. This business won't conclude until 10-14 days and that is irritating and I'm so annoyed I did something so stupid.

A quick word on antibiotics and drugs in general. You know how doctors always ask if you have any allergies? I always say "aspirin and penicillin". The follow up question concerns what happens if I take those things and my response is less confident. "Aspirin causes me extreme gastric distress. I have no idea what happens if I take penicillin but my mom told me I'm allergic to it and I don't want to find out if I'm right or not." I pretty much tell doctors that mommy says I'm allergic to something and sorry, no idea what happens. But honestly, lots of allergies are discovered in childhood and/or early childhood and parents don't necessarily tell their kids "oh, right, if you take this drug you will blow up into a giant ball of hives or whatever." I still feel stupid though, every single time I am asked that. 

Job Hunting is for the Birds

Looking for a job sucks. I know, a very profound and mind blowing thought. I've got to stop believing the enthusiasm in the voices of recruiters and the people I interview with. Everyone asks me how an interview went and I have started to say "who knows? I always think everything went really well and then they never contact me again." Job hunting is the new shitty dating.

But I thought it went so well

I have my resume up on three sites and have applied for a ton of jobs both within my company and without. A few nibbles and then nothing. It is really kind of crushing and I feel a sense of urgency to nail something down before I get my two week's notice (or however long my company will give me to find a job before they let me go). Until then, I am sitting at my desk doing absolutely nothing. OK, I'm applying for jobs and working on my resume and looking at things online, but I'm not working. And the company knows that we aren't working because there is nothing for us to work on. So they just have us sitting here for 8 hours a day. At our team meeting I even asked my manager for ideas for how to spend this time and she just responded that she reached out to other departments to see if they needed any assistance.

But here I sit, along with my colleagues, hiking to the ends of the (fire wall inhibited) internet wondering why the fuck do I even bother coming in? At this point, there is absolutely zero reason to come into the office as opposed to working from home. At least there we can be productive domestically. Right this moment, I could be cleaning out my kitchen to make sure that possibly-dead-animal smell is, in fact, in the kitchen and not some place else. I could be vacuuming the kitty litter off of the carpets and the cat hair off of my sofa. I could be laying around, pantsless, watching Bletchley Park on Netflix.

But nope, nopety, nope, nope. Instead, I am sitting in my freezing ass department, checking my phone every five minutes to see if anyone has texted me or sent me a message, even if I didn't hear anything. I also keep checking for missed voice mail messages because my phone won't ring for some reason (pretty sure it has to do with the building as I have trouble texting in this room as well).

I am literally waiting by the phone and carrying it with me almost everywhere just waiting for it to ring with good news.

Ring damn you!!!

I am also dead tired. Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4:45 and couldn't get back to sleep. I was tired all day save for a brief few moments after I did my stupid yoga, and then had to take a nyquil (off brand of course) in order to fall asleep. Today I woke up at 4:19 and couldn't fall asleep so, obviously, I am still pretty fucking tired. I even rescheduled my MRI because I don't want to schlep down to lay in that thing at 5:45 in the evening I don't know why I can't sleep. People have suggested that I have too much on my mind, too much stress. OK, well what do I do? Alleviate the stress?

Carl Brutananadilewski

I hate when people tell you to relax and find something to help remove the stress from your life. I mean, sometimes it makes sense, but when it seems like everything is going wrong in your life and you have no control over any of it, that is the most asinine thing you can say to someone. Why don't you just tell me to become wealthy while you're at it? 

But at least it's Friday. And we all know what that means right? Two days where I can do absolutely nothing... without getting paid for it! 

Yeah, what that cat said!

Continuing to Avoid the Too Traumatic - More Updates

Simply a Girl, Job Hunter

Well, the job search is continuing to suck. I met with a recruiter today who is hoping to get me a 6 month contract gig that would pay $30/hour. Why is everything contracted out now? I understand the idea of doing a contract to hire - a la temp to hire - but you don’t get a feel that they are looking for that. The $30/hour is because they know contractors have to pay for their own health benefits these days.

One thing that is super special about this job search is that I get contacted by people about contract positions in technical writing and the contractors either have really heavy accents so you can’t make out the voicemail or else they email you in broken English. I get that they are just the recruiters, but still… how are they supposed to make the best determination about candidates if they, themselves, do not have the best verbal and written abilities? But whatev, I’ll talk to all of them in desperate hope that something will pan out. There are also a few jobs within my company I can apply for, which would prevent a gap in insurance, but ideally, I’ll find a fantastic job outside this place.

Order in the Court

Yours truly had jury duty finally. Back in Ohio, I twice had to fill out a juror questionnaire/survey thing but it never went any further. Then, about a month ago, I received a summons to appear before a civil court in Dallas as a potential juror. So yesterday - tax day - I turned up, had my bug spray taken away, signed in, and sat in an auditorium known as the central jury room. We sat through an orientation video, which was basically the paperwork we’d already received being read to us, and a video on how courts work.
 

I literally thought “dude, who here has not seen an episode of any variation of Law & Order”? But I guess it was nice for the people in the video to do their part and get their 15 minutes of regional fame. I don’t know, it was annoying. Then a judge got up and talked to us about how we were great citizens for turning out and how important it is to have a voice. And other stuff. I don’t know, I was texting BFF and trying not to fall asleep.
 

Finally, a young man came up and talked to us some more about getting parking validation (I didn’t park in the right place so I was out $15) and return public transportation passes. And then! He called 20 numbers and names and sent them off with a bailiff to go to the 5th floor for actual selection. This concluded by about 9:45 and we were released on a break until 10:20. I went to the cafeteria, got some fruit and a soda, then read my book. I returned in due time, continued reading and texting, and then realized it was 10:40 and dude had not returned. He did at around 11:15 to let us know no more jurors were needed for the day. Then he read off our names and numbers to release us (I was in the 800’s so had to wait awhile) and I got to go wait in line for a document for work, and then back to the parking lot.
 

Where I spent 20 minutes just sitting there because I’d parked near the exit by mistake and had to wait for every other motherfucker to get out before I could. When I finally did, I got all turned around and damn near plowed into a whole mess of people because I didn’t realize the light was red and the bus had just unloaded.

I hate being downtown.
 

But I got home, cleaned my apartment (I’d had Spectero over the evening before for girls’ night and that always ends with a mess) and ran out to put a printer on my credit card. Now I can print out resumes and cover letters left and right without having to do it at work or bothering someone else. I’ve needed a printer for awhile now and this is a printer, scanner, copier combo so score.

Now let’s just hope I get a third interview soon and possibly that $30/hour contracting gig.

In Other News

I've been silent and then laid down some heavy stuff lately, haven't I? News about tumors and impending job loss really sucks so let's try to think about other things and fiddle dee it as Scarlet would do, shall we?

This weekend I finished my work on a small garden bench and table for my patio.

The previous patio set I had was fine but it made the space feel a bit crowded. This bench isn't 100% what I want because it is so straight backed but it does the trick. And I made it! The Bat did all of the drilling but I ended up doing most of the sawing (terryifying) and all of the staining. The table is drilled to the 4x4s on the balcony with supports. You can also see a window box that has been drilled to the balcony railing. There is a second one, not seen, and they will both be filled with Morning Glories and I will use string to have them vine up so that I can have shade since I face east and so the space is hot as fuck in the summer (which is bearing down upon me).

Next, I want to build a coffee table and side table for inside. I hate what I have and I like building things so this is perfect. The materials are cheap, I'll have the sense of accomplishment that comes with doing things on your own, and I'll have furniture I like (though I think I'll buy a darker stain for these items).

When not engaging in wood shop on the weekends, I am working on a totally different project. A met someone who wrote a young adult novel and she sent out an all call looking for editors. She can't pay but all of her readers have told her that she needs an editor. I said I'd be happy to do it and I am. It's fun work for me and it distracts me from all the shit going on in my life. I'm really enjoying the work, especially because this particular manuscript has me asking all sorts of questions and analyzing the story like I wouldn't necessarily do otherwise. And it's a great opportunity for me to flex my technical and editing muscles. And, who knows, maybe this person will go on to great fame and I'll get to be able to say I was there from the beginning?

So there you go. I know it was short but at least it was happy and hopeful, right?

What is Going On?

I seriously don't know what is happening but it seems like life has decided to take a spin on the tilt-a-whirl. We'll start with an update.

The hospital didn't get back to J about a bone scan and he was told it would be at least a week. Uhm, OK, dude has a massive tumor on his back and pelvis and his specialist wants him to get a bone scan ASAP for obvious reasons but let's not rush it? J called them today and found out that his MRI had been given to one of the hospital doctors to review and the receptionist was going to put in a status update request with hopes of getting some information and get J scheduled. I haven't heard from him so I don't know what happened. I told him yesterday that he can talk to me about whatever he wants whenever he wants but I'm not going to constantly ask about the tumors or anything because it sucks when people treat you like you are only what is going on with your health. So I'm waiting for him to reach out. My hopes are not high but I've gotten to a place where I'm pretty numb.

In other news, I found out today that I will be out of a job later this year. They are canceling the project I work on so my entire department is pretty fucked. We were assured that there are over 100 open positions in the company and our managers will help us as best they can to get us placed elsewhere. But basically, we were informed by two very chipper higher ups that our jobs will be obsolete over the next few months to a year.

I'm losing my job. I fucking spent a ton of money to move to Texas for this job that turned out to be nothing I was told it would be and now I'm losing it. I've been looking for a new job and it has been fruitless and now I have to work even harder. It isn't just being unemployed that terrifies me but what I'll do without health benefits. If I weren't all fucked up with health issues it would be one thing, but I can't fucking afford my prescriptions without coverage. And I don't know how much it costs for COBRA but I know it isn't cheap.

I've been with this company for seven years and I've spent the last two years being fucked over time and again and now the ax is pretty much all the way down. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know to keep working towards finding new employment but I just don't know what to do with myself since everything seems to be falling apart. Someone I care about very much is facing terrible news regarding his health and I'm almost out of a job. And I now officially have nothing to do at work because all of my tasks were based on a client we aren't actually going to be working with.

Two people have suggested that this means I can move out of Texas but for one thing, that costs a lot of money, as I know having just moved her two years ago. And I need a job before I can even think of relocating. And god damn it, I'm tired of moving and I've made a few friends here and don't want to start all over. I'm so tired of moving and trying to make friends as an adult. I just want to be settled in my shitty, ghetto-ass apartment and finally set down some roots and form a new little family of friends.

I try my best to stay positive and find the bright side and all of that, just like I've always done. But it's getting harder and harder and I don't know how much I have left in the way of reserves to find the bright side or stay positive. I feel like ever since I moved to Texas, one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made, I can't catch a break. I'm trying so hard but the hole I dug is made out of sand and I can't find a purchase anywhere.

At some point things have to start going my way, don't they? Even just a little bit? I know my life is still a lot better than many others and that I'm very lucky but damn it, this fucking sucks and I'm sick of it. 

I Need My Mommy Really Bad Right Now

Sure, whatever, I could just type some back story about how so and so contacted me and I found out x y and z but fuck that noise.

I found out today that J (my ex-husband in case you just stumbled here, an ex-husband that I care very much about) has a giant tumor on his spine and a tumor on his pelvis. It may be a metastasized cancer from the melanoma he had in 2009. It may be a secondary cancer. It may be terrible.

A friend of his from graduate school contacted me on Facebook out of the blue asking if she could call me and she told me. She really needed someone to talk to and she knew that J cares a lot about me and that I know him well and, basically, she needed to get it out to someone he knows. She asked me practical questions about health insurance because she remembered I worked in that field to some extent.

Yeah, all that happened but it didn't go as seamlessly. I cried. I howled. I fucking wept and am still crying because it isn't fair. I old J's friend "I GOT MS. I'M the one who took that because J has had a shit life and can't catch a god damn break so I got the incurable to give him a break."

I know that isn't how life works, but it should. J should get a pass and I should be allowed to take the bullet for him.

I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I want to call my mommy" but she is in South Fucking Africa and so I can't talk to her. And the call came too late for me to call my friends.

J didn't want me to know until he had his bone scan and knew the whole deal. That's what his friend, Fitzgerald said. Fitzgerald said that J was worried about upsetting me. Please, I cry at everything and really, I'm not the one anyone should worry about right now (obviously). I asked Fitzgerald to let me know when J was going to tell me and then said "you know what? He'll know that I know because i won't be able to hold my shit together." So I called him, told him not to be mad at Fitzgerald, blamed it on the fact that she has two vaginas right now (yeah, it's a chick and she is prego) and we talked a bit. I basically told him to tell me whenever he needed anything. I can fly and visit him, he can move here and go to our fine hospitals here in Dallas, Fitzgerald and I are willing to stagger visits, whatever. I think his girlfriend was over (I am so grateful for her because she has been taking care of him A LOT and seriously, thank you lady) so he couldn't be too vocal. But I made my point about his not keeping it from me and letting me know all along the way like he knew about my MS.

I understand and appreciate why he was waiting but I'm much happier that I know now. That's a lie, that isn't true at all. I hate knowing now. I hate knowing at all. I hate knowing that I would eventually know because that means this is real.

And I have zero fucks to give about how childish this is going to sound but his shit is not fair. He is going to be 37 on May 2. This isn't supposed to happen to him. Someone, please, I know this is ridiculous and not going to help but please, make it stop. He doesn't deserve this. I want to hit things and break things and scream and kick.

I want to call my mommy but I can't.