Sure, whatever, I could just type some back story about how so and so contacted me and I found out x y and z but fuck that noise.
I found out today that J (my ex-husband in case you just stumbled here, an ex-husband that I care very much about) has a giant tumor on his spine and a tumor on his pelvis. It may be a metastasized cancer from the melanoma he had in 2009. It may be a secondary cancer. It may be terrible.
A friend of his from graduate school contacted me on Facebook out of the blue asking if she could call me and she told me. She really needed someone to talk to and she knew that J cares a lot about me and that I know him well and, basically, she needed to get it out to someone he knows. She asked me practical questions about health insurance because she remembered I worked in that field to some extent.
Yeah, all that happened but it didn't go as seamlessly. I cried. I howled. I fucking wept and am still crying because it isn't fair. I old J's friend "I GOT MS. I'M the one who took that because J has had a shit life and can't catch a god damn break so I got the incurable to give him a break."
I know that isn't how life works, but it should. J should get a pass and I should be allowed to take the bullet for him.
I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I want to call my mommy" but she is in South Fucking Africa and so I can't talk to her. And the call came too late for me to call my friends.
J didn't want me to know until he had his bone scan and knew the whole deal. That's what his friend, Fitzgerald said. Fitzgerald said that J was worried about upsetting me. Please, I cry at everything and really, I'm not the one anyone should worry about right now (obviously). I asked Fitzgerald to let me know when J was going to tell me and then said "you know what? He'll know that I know because i won't be able to hold my shit together." So I called him, told him not to be mad at Fitzgerald, blamed it on the fact that she has two vaginas right now (yeah, it's a chick and she is prego) and we talked a bit. I basically told him to tell me whenever he needed anything. I can fly and visit him, he can move here and go to our fine hospitals here in Dallas, Fitzgerald and I are willing to stagger visits, whatever. I think his girlfriend was over (I am so grateful for her because she has been taking care of him A LOT and seriously, thank you lady) so he couldn't be too vocal. But I made my point about his not keeping it from me and letting me know all along the way like he knew about my MS.
I understand and appreciate why he was waiting but I'm much happier that I know now. That's a lie, that isn't true at all. I hate knowing now. I hate knowing at all. I hate knowing that I would eventually know because that means this is real.
And I have zero fucks to give about how childish this is going to sound but his shit is not fair. He is going to be 37 on May 2. This isn't supposed to happen to him. Someone, please, I know this is ridiculous and not going to help but please, make it stop. He doesn't deserve this. I want to hit things and break things and scream and kick.
I want to call my mommy but I can't.
I found out today that J (my ex-husband in case you just stumbled here, an ex-husband that I care very much about) has a giant tumor on his spine and a tumor on his pelvis. It may be a metastasized cancer from the melanoma he had in 2009. It may be a secondary cancer. It may be terrible.
A friend of his from graduate school contacted me on Facebook out of the blue asking if she could call me and she told me. She really needed someone to talk to and she knew that J cares a lot about me and that I know him well and, basically, she needed to get it out to someone he knows. She asked me practical questions about health insurance because she remembered I worked in that field to some extent.
Yeah, all that happened but it didn't go as seamlessly. I cried. I howled. I fucking wept and am still crying because it isn't fair. I old J's friend "I GOT MS. I'M the one who took that because J has had a shit life and can't catch a god damn break so I got the incurable to give him a break."
I know that isn't how life works, but it should. J should get a pass and I should be allowed to take the bullet for him.
I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I want to call my mommy" but she is in South Fucking Africa and so I can't talk to her. And the call came too late for me to call my friends.
J didn't want me to know until he had his bone scan and knew the whole deal. That's what his friend, Fitzgerald said. Fitzgerald said that J was worried about upsetting me. Please, I cry at everything and really, I'm not the one anyone should worry about right now (obviously). I asked Fitzgerald to let me know when J was going to tell me and then said "you know what? He'll know that I know because i won't be able to hold my shit together." So I called him, told him not to be mad at Fitzgerald, blamed it on the fact that she has two vaginas right now (yeah, it's a chick and she is prego) and we talked a bit. I basically told him to tell me whenever he needed anything. I can fly and visit him, he can move here and go to our fine hospitals here in Dallas, Fitzgerald and I are willing to stagger visits, whatever. I think his girlfriend was over (I am so grateful for her because she has been taking care of him A LOT and seriously, thank you lady) so he couldn't be too vocal. But I made my point about his not keeping it from me and letting me know all along the way like he knew about my MS.
I understand and appreciate why he was waiting but I'm much happier that I know now. That's a lie, that isn't true at all. I hate knowing now. I hate knowing at all. I hate knowing that I would eventually know because that means this is real.
And I have zero fucks to give about how childish this is going to sound but his shit is not fair. He is going to be 37 on May 2. This isn't supposed to happen to him. Someone, please, I know this is ridiculous and not going to help but please, make it stop. He doesn't deserve this. I want to hit things and break things and scream and kick.
I want to call my mommy but I can't.
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