Man of My Word

What do you mean when you say you are a (wo)man of your word? For me, I mean that no matter what,  I will follow through with a promise and I will do so tout suite, without arguing ambiguous timelines. If  tell you I will see you on X day or help you do Y, I will follow through, when you expect, regardless of a hangover, tiredness, laziness, anything short of real sickness. I might not feel like doing it, but I've told you I will and so I will.

That obviously isn't what everyone means by it. The Bat says he is a man of his word, reassuring me that he will help me sell my Saturn and help me get my mom's car. Well, it is early 8PM and I doubt very much that the Bat will come home soon and hitch up the old shop vac and help me with my car. So I tried the shop vac and failed, and then hauled out my vacuum and cleaned a bit of the inside. The only vacuuming I need done now is to have my seats pulled all the way front so under can be done and the trunk. The Bat said he would help me when he got home today. I don't see that happening.

But that's why I was so afraid to break up with him once this car bullshit started. He says he is a man of his word so he will follow through and go to my mom's to get her car but he has broken his word so many times that I just shake my head in wonder. It's like how my last boyfriend claimed to not be jealous but was SUPER jealous. The Bat has made at least a dozen promises, I'm sure, that he's broken. I guess I thought that now that I'm downgraded to 'friend', he'd actually keep his word. I was stupid for doing so. However, I was also raised by my mother who made sure I would never depend on a guy. So giant bug or no giant bug, I put on yoga pants, rain boots, a long sleeved shirt, and gloves and vacuumed what I could.

Because I have to. Nothing has changed I guess. I'm still worth nothing and cannot rely on the Bat. Hopefully he understands that if he doesn't get on the plane, he will owe my mother quite a bit of money. I think that is the only way to make this "man of his word"keep his word when it comes to me. Real consequences. 

Post Break Up: The Only Trauma is a Bug

Things are going well since the break up. Saturday was spent drinking mimosas and watching movies on TV. We took a nap and then went out for more mimosa supplies and movies. Two of them were interesting, Anna and Afflicted. I don't think either of recovered from the nap however, and we were both extremely tired all evening and wen to bed at a decent hour. The Bat evidently had trouble getting comfortable and ended up sleeping with his head at the foot of the bed. I found this out when I woke up from a nightmare, went for a pee, and scared myself thinking there was someone behind me when there wasn't. I was scared so I was looking for him when I heard his voice say "come snuggle with me". I was pretty relieved as I hate nightmares but sometimes can't help but keep thinking about them when I wake up (I was working in a prison and I was afraid that one or two of the inmates, who never seemed to be locked up, might go off... and other stuff but you know what dreams are).

So things basically haven't changed as we've pretty much been roommates with benefits for the entirety of our relationship. I've talked to people about breaking it off as early as April, I believe, when a whole gang of us went out to a bar and I asked a friend I met through the Bat if she'd still be my friend if I broke up with him. I told trucker last time we went camping. So I've been thinking about ending things for ages but needed to save money and get everything straight. I felt guilty about it because I felt I was using him but he was using me as well.

I will say, however, that I do not handle failure well so I'm not 100% at peace. I made the right decision and this relationship wasn't going anywhere but still, I hate failure.

I feel better in almost every way now that it's all out. I did forty minute of yoga this afternoon and despite our all day mimosa fest, I'm less interested in drinking with anything less than moderation. That's something that I apparently do when I'm unhappy but don't feel I can say anything; I drink a lot, way more than I should and get into embarrassing situations. Now I just feel like focusing on all the work I have ahead of me. I even went out and was working on another go through of my car to get rid of random trash. Unfortunately, at one point, I saw he back of a large, brown bug clamor down between the seat and the door on the back driver's side. I texted the Bat about it (he and Monkey are spending the afternoon/evening in McKinney I think) and his response was "lol. Catch it." Right. I was so traumatized from seeing a dried up corpse of a giant cockroach at the library that I've not gone back. No, instead, I slammed the door, marched inside, texted the Bat, and poured a glass of left over champagne (well, I also cleaned the cat box but it sounds much more dramatic if I leave that part out.) The Bat has promised to help me with my car so when they get back, he's going to haul out the shop vac and help me vacuum. We'd better find that god damn bug or I'll be paranoid for the rest of the time that I drive the thing.

Remember when I found that dead rat in the backyard and was convinced that the yard was riddled with rat corpses or live rats? Well my car is now infested with massive insects who want to get into my nose, ears, eyes, and mouth. We may just have to burn the car in the end.

The Bat and I also did a bit of cleaning this morning, before Monkey got home from her sleepover. I started to pick up around the living room and the Bat joined in, sweeping up (vacuuming) the bedroom and living room whilst I threw in a load of laundry and straightened up the cushions. I put away a few jackets and linen into a large box that I've already packed blankets and things in. I've also continued to condense my belongings into certain spaces, my kitchen things in the corner I use for coffee and tea and in my allocated cabinet, random items in my room. I am trying to make things as streamlined and as easy as possible since I'll be moving again. Once I get my mother's car, I can begin looking for apartments in earnest so that I can get out as quickly as possible. Obviously the Bat and I don't hate one another but regardless of our amicable arrangement at present, it's best all around that I get out.

Two more days of vacation. Maybe I'll get a tiny bit more of packing done. All I know is that I doubt I'll drive anywhere in my car until I feel certain that it is bug free. I'm going to take really good care of my mom's car and make sure it is kept clean on the inside so as not to invite future critters. Now, if only the Bat would get home so we can vacuum the shit out of my Saturn. 

Breaking Up Isn't That Difficult After All

The Bat and I broke up last night. This has been a long time coming as I've been planning on breaking up with him since early July. Then my car had issues and he agreed to go to Arizona with me and I was afraid if I broke up with him he wouldn't help me with it. He told me he was a man of his word so he would definitely help me sell my current car and get the new one, which was really nice of him. He was planning on breaking up with me the day we got back to Texas so I don't know how long he's been planning it.

Everyone I've told have been really supportive but way more upset and freaked out than I was. I have my reasons for breaking up with him, which my closer friends know, but I don't hate him and he doesn't hate me. We both like each other more and feel more comfortable now that we've made this decision. I'll continue living in the Bat Cave until I can find a place and his day porter will still help with the actual move. We aren't telling Monkey, at my request, until I'm fully out, because it will make it more stressful for me and it will confuse her because the Bat and I are going to carry on as usual until I'm finally out. Sex and snuggles were the only good things in our relationship towards the end so, since we both enjoy it and I'll be here, it seems dumb not to continue doing it. We were at the gas station when I mentioned something about fucking and he said "we're still going to do that while you're here, right?" I said "oh, yeah" and then said "wait, is that fucked up?" But we both want it so it seems dumb to deny ourselves.

We both feel a tremendous sense of relief and like each other more now that the weight of the obligations of our "relationship" are gone. We've been roommates with benefits for so long that now that we are officially so, it makes it easier and lighter. We both want different things. He wants a companion whose company he enjoys and who he gets along with in bed. That's about it. I want a life with someone who wants the same. I want a boyfriend, one who likes me and shows me that he does, shows me that he cares about me. I want someone who treats me the way I treat boyfriends. Neither one of us is wrong and we don't hate each other. Most people are pretty confused that I'm not all broken up (even though many of them have known I was planning on splitting) and that he and I are getting along and, at this moment, enjoying mimosas and brunch together. There just isn't any reason for hostility when neither of us feels it.

So after I get the car from my mother and sell my beloved Saturn, I will take stock of my finances and begin looking for a new place in earnest. I'll stay fairly close to Rowlett because I have friends here that I want to remain seeing on a regular basis. And as much as I hate my commute, ever since I found a talk show in the afternoon that amuses me, my ride home provides me with a great time to decompress. But I will move slightly closer to work, if only by a few miles. Oh, and I think Bubbles is going to benefit. I bought her this pheromone atomizer thing yesterday in hopes of calming her the fuck down because she is losing fur and it's traumatizing me.

So that is the state of things, folks. I've broken up with my boyfriend and he's broken up with me. It was mutual and as tense as it was when we talked about it, right after we were totally fine, especially when the Bat said "and now here we are, arguing in a bowling alley" which made me laugh my ass off. I appreciate my friends who have been so supportive and caring. I can't believe I've made such good friends in such a short amount of time. I'm a lucky girl and my future is going to be fantastic. And I truly wish all the best for the Bat. Well, to be honest, I wish all the best to Monkey. The Bat can take care of himself.

Who's On the Line?

Have I mentioned how much I don't like meetings and how I seem to be in a lot of them lately? Right now I am working from home and am on a teleconference. I can barely hear the people speaking and that's a damn shame since this is a team meeting that deals with organizational changes. But all I can think about is farting really loudly into my phone to see if they notice. I don't know where everyone is located so I can't instant message people to make fun of colleagues or snark on the meeting because it might be seen by a boss or manager or the person I'm snarking on. All I can do is sit and pay half attention with one ear in case someone calls my name. Well that and play Farm Heroes Saga. I suck at Candy Crush but I'm not half bad at FHS and I like, when I beat a level or win an animal or something, that the game asks if I want to share the news. I've started saying yes and today I posted this:

 

Read it in the voice of Jesse Pinkman

Tomorrow begins my five day reprieve from the Hive as I've decided to refer to my work. I'm very much looking forward to that although I'm going to be missing a meeting that I'm actually interested in. But hey, not driving 70 miles a day and not having huge spikes in my blood pressure because of the shitty communication that goes on is worth it. And no, I have no plans. The Bat had discussed going camping with some friends but one of them is on call all weekend so that is out. I'll probably just faf about doing nothing. Well, nothing but defeating Rancid Raccoon and earning livestock in FSH. I'm toying with the idea of having a luxurious breakfast/brunch tomorrow but that would require my leaving the house, which would require me to take a shower and put on real clothes (the shower will happen no matter what, as soon as this fucking phone call is over). I don't know. We'll see. 

Speaking of making food, I officially cannot cook in the Bat cave. I'm a decent cook but every mother fucking thing I cook in this dude's oven, except for the savory tart, ends up tasting bland and boring. I don't know what it is because I never had this problem in my apartment in Mesquite or any of my apartments in Ohio. It's something about the cave. Also I'm the only one who cooked this week so far. The Bat promised me on Tuesday night to take me on a real date this week but he was super drunk and didn't remember any of the conversation we had. I told him about it - gave him the gist - and mentioned the date part so we'll see if that happens. All I know is that I'm either off the hook for cooking or else I need to stay away from that oven. 

Well, my meeting finally ended so I'd better get back to work. Yes, that's right, I wrote this during my meeting, which is essentially like texting someone because you're bored while waiting for something. I used you dear reader, I used you.

White Flag

Pictured above: What I feel like in my office these days. By office I mean my open lay out none cubicle farm that I share with my colleagues. The above image depicts me hiding under my desk and waving a white flag in hopes that the assholes and idiots will just fucking stop.

Things are not going well for Simply at the moment. I'm having a shitty time at work and I don't have a support system at home. The Bat doesn't care about my work or how it affects me and I only get one day a week with Spectero so I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My life has become a matter of counting down the days. Today is Wednesday so I have two work days (including today) to get through before my five day weekend. And it is only ten days before the Bat and I fly to Arizona to get my mom's car. Then I can sell my old, beloved Saturn and use that money to put down a deposit on an apartment.

Every day when I think I'm about to lose it, I just remind myself that there are only so many more days before x will happen followed by y. And who knows, maybe I'll put on my big girl pants and have the courage to look for a new job. Because this one is killing me due to the horrifically bad communication in my division.

Things I Miss

Warning folks, this is about my ex husband.

These are the things I miss about J. He was so fucking funny. I cannot begin to explain how hilarious he was. Like me, he got really annoyed when one of his jokes didn't make me laugh because that was something important to both of us. We also would watch stand up comedy and whenever there is anything that reminds me of him, I think of him. The Bat and I are watching either Transformers or Transformers 2. All I know is that J and I watched this comedian who had a joke about giving his wife either an oven or a vacuum for her birthday. Everyone booed and so he stressed that it was a really good oven/vacuum. He went on to say that he'd filled one of her childhood dreams because little girls grow up with easy bake ovens and fake vacuums. "If my wife came home on my birthday and gave me a car/truck that turned into a robot it would blow my mind."

J and I laughed at that a lot. Sometimes I can't remember everything about a funny story he told me, an anecdote from his day. Do you ever have something trigger a very tiny bit of memory and you wish you could remember the whole thing? That's what happens with me. J was so god damned funny and I wish I could remember all of his jokes.

He was also the smartest person I ever met. Don't get me wrong, the Bat is smart and capable but J was smart in an intellectual, unneeded way. With the Bat, I always know that if I/we can do it, we'll fix it ourself. With J, I'd muse about something and he'd have mused about it as well but done the research. That is why I know what a Blue Hen is, the mascot of my alma mater. And I just learned so much. Every time I see a bird and wonder what it is, I think of J because he would probably know given his random interest in birds. He is the reason I notice hawks at all. I'm so unobservant that I never noticed how many hawks and vultures I could see on any given day. Now, when I see a red tailed hawk, I think of J. There is a bird that frequents my office's parking lot and I think it is a grackle but I don't know for sure. J would know. J could tell me.

I miss the way that he, like me, would always find himself saying something that was redundant, ridiculous, or awful, call it, and explain in a joke. Here is my example. When J broke his ankle, I drove his car one day and mine the next. He was stuck at home and we wanted both cars to be maintained. One time, when I was driving his car, he pointed out that I need to keep the center glove box thing closed because otherwise thieves might see CDs and steal the car. I don't remember what it was but he mentioned something else. Then he said, in a totally "I'm joking because I know I just sounded like an ass" voice "I'm going to be giving you a bunch more rules, OK?" Maybe you had to be there, I don't know. I just know that we called awkward moments and when we realized we were being asses, we said something.

I still love J, of course. Not romantically. I google him from time to time, hoping to find a wedding announcement but  know that is ridiculous because he, like me, doesn't believe in marriage and he, like me, would never draw attention to himself. I wish, at least once a week, that I could have some confirmation that he was happy. I don't know why, considering I left him. I just think he is a phenomenal guy and I want him to be happy. And that is totally selfish of me. I want him to be happy and partnered so that I know he is happy and I did the right thing and I didn't ruin his life.
I truly want him to be happy but I guess there is a part of me that wants to know I didn't totally fuck him up.

I don't believe in marriage and I won't do it again. For a while I thought I would like it because I honestly did like being married to J. But I hurt someone, very much. So I'm not going to do that again. But I hope he has found someone worthy of him, someone who gets him. That is what he deserves.

Domesticity and Waxing

Warning: This post contains what is popularly referred to as TMI so you may want to skip the first part of this post. Especially if you are my brother. If you want to skip it, just scroll down to the second set of asterisk marks.

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I began getting Brazilian waxes a couple of months ago because I was tired of ingrown hairs and the pain that is shaving my own lady garden. I go to the same place every time because they are nearby and I don't need everyone checking out my bits and pieces. The first few times I got the same girl but this latest time I got a new one. I was kind of relieved because usual girl is chatty. I don't like talking to the person cutting my hair and I read when I get a pedicure. So I really do not feel like chatting whilst you are moving my labia here and there and spreading hot wax on me. As I said, I was relieved. This new girl wasn't a chatter but I felt like she was only a few moves away from giving me a complete gynecological exam. I almost laughed because it was kind of funny the way she'd move this lip back and then move my legs around to make sure she got all the hair. But it was just, well, odd. I believe she is what you'd call a perfectionist. 

My favorite part? When she had me get on my hands and knees so she could wax my crack. She asked if I was comfortable and I said yes while chortling on the inside because I was basically in doggy style, a position I am definitely familiar with. But I preferred that to what the usual girl does, which is to have me lay on my stomach and spread my cheeks with my hands. 

Now do you understand why I go to the same place all the time? Yeah. And for those who are scared of the Brazilian but who kind of want to try it, go for it. It isn't that painful at all (using tweezers to pluck your eyebrows hurts worse). And at least at my place, the people apply a numbing agent and offer you wine if you want (or coffee or water or some sort of juice). I was not expecting the backside waxing so that was a surprise and I'll let you know that yes, you do feel it when it's over with. Apparently that hair back there does something or just fills a gap because you definitely feel the difference. (Quick note about my use of the terms "crack" and "backside". You all know I'm not a prude and I use foul language but to say she waxed my asshole would not be correct as no wax was poured into me and then ripped out. That is also why I hate when women talk about having their vaginas waxed. No, you are having your pubis mons and labia waxed. Learn your anatomy people). 

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Other than the above, I had a relaxing weekend of watching the Albert Campion series whilst folding laundry and ironing a bit. I was really rather domestic with that shit. And today I will be cooking Polynesian chicken and this potato thing where you basically slice the potatoes almost all the way and put stuff on them and bake them. The Polynesian chicken is really easy and shouldn't take much labor on my part. Or else it wouldn't if I'd gotten the right ingredients. You use chicken pieces; I bought chicken breasts. So I am going to have to cut it all up into pieces. You also use crushed pineapple and peach preserves; I bought pineapple chunks and canned peaches so I had to go back to the store. I didn't buy the pineapple because I figure I can crush the ones I have. And the potato thing really is super simple and, happily, the oven temperatures are pretty much the same so I can throw the whole thing in at the same time. Score!

Why the domesticity? Well, when the Bat does laundry he leaves it on the sofa which means clutter and wrinkles. It bothered me so I folded it and ironed things and put it away and finished doing the rest of what he started and did some towels. As to the cooking, the Bat has decided that now that Monkey will be going back to school, we should all cook twice a week. I picked Sunday and will figure out what other night I want. But if the other two don't cook as well, I'll quit. I think it is a great idea because we will all eat better and it will help get everyone back into a routine. Speaking of which, I think mine might be off this week because I usually do Girl Date Night on Tuesdays but Spectero and I have a mutual friend whose birthday is Wednesday so we'll both prob go to that and I don't know if she'll want to do two nights cause of the money. Wednesday is also date night but, as I've said in recent posts, I don't think the Bat is really that into it so I don't know if we are going to continue with that. Which is a bummer for me but what can you do. 

For the rest of my day, I'm going to organize my room and hang a mirror so I can get ready in there rather than the Bat's bathroom (I want to get up earlier for work but don't want to disturb his sleep). I will also find another esoteric mystery series to watch. Back to the grind tomorrow for what I believe will be a stressful week. But, my friends, it will also be a short week for yours truly as I have Friday off and do not return to work until the following Wednesday. So take that stressy work. 

Here's to everyone having a great work week. 

Musing about the News

I understand that people are upset (justifiably so) about a young, unarmed man being shot and killed by a police officer. Of course I understand that. But what the hell are they doing in Ferguson? Yes, some are opportunists but looting, vandalism, and now firing at police officers does not say "we are concerned about and care for our community" to me. Those actions actually say the exact opposite as they are actively hurting their town's economy, raising the crime rate, and making it an all and all hell hole of a place to live. I did find it interesting that the police officer's race wasn't mentioned right away. I don't listen to the news 24/7 but I've read about this and heard snippets on the television from the time it happened but only today did I hear, on the radio, that the officer was white. Friends told me that yesterday so it had been reported, but I don't think we've entered into the race talks yet. Remember Zimmerman? Every media outlet made god damn sure that people were aware that he was a WHITE Hispanic. Because that way we can talk about how white people are going out of their way to kill black people.

When is the last time you've seen a community rise up in protest after either a white person has been killed by a black person or a black person has been killed by a black person? I'm not saying that the people of Ferguson don't have a right to be angry, because if Brown was truly unarmed and not acting in a threatening manner, there is something fucked up going on. I'm just really, really hoping we don't go through the race issue again. And it isn't necessarily the people of the town or average citizens, it is the media because they like to fuel the fire. Assholes.

And can I just say that while I know the Ferguson issue is escalating, I found it very odd that the local news didn't mention Governor Rick Perry once during my hour long commute. I heard about Ferguson at least three times but there was nothing reported on the Governor being indicted. Don't you think that is weird? I mean this is Texas for christ's sake, and Texas loves Texas and Texans think their state is the epicenter of the world. One would think the indictment of the fucking Governor would at least be mentioned. I don't know why I'm so curious about Rick Perry though. I don't like the guy and I'm glad he's going to leave his office to pursue another presidential bid (at least I think he plans on leaving his office) but I want to know if he has had previous issues with the Austin DA because so far he's said his actions were based on her blood alcohol level when she got her DUI and her behavior when she was arrested. (Side note: I am not, in any way, condoning drinking and driving but why the fuck would you consider a person's behavior during that kind of arrest? That's like saying you are going to veto funding because of the way she acted when she was drunk at a party. Again, drinking and driving is not cool but for some reason I find part of Perry's reasoning to be hilarious).

When the DA was arrested for her DUI, I emailed Austin and said something like "that's quite the DA you guys have down there." Yesterday I texted him with "Your DA and her DUI are fucking up all types of shit." Because Austin is solely responsible for the Austen DA in my mind. He just replied back with "we try our best" or "we do what we can" or something along those lines. If he's said anything more since, I don't know because I left my fucking phone at my friend's house last night. I don't really miss it, although now that my company has discovered Google hangouts and blocked them, I do not have the nice distraction of chatting with BFF throughout the day. Fuckers. I don't understand why they think social media and internet messaging is the scourge of the Earth. If someone spends all damned day on Twitter or Facebook, yeah, fire them because they are probably doing it anyway via their smart phone. But most people just check in on Facebook from time to time and I can chat with my girlfriends over IM while I'm working. Cause I can multitask.

Speaking of work, back to it.

My Lucky Stars Have Been Thanked

I know you've all been waiting with bated breath, lighting candles, sending prayers, waving crystals, etc. regarding my car issues so I'm beyond happy to give you the good news. I got my car back about an hour ago! I don't remember how many times my car was transported last time I blogged so this may be repetitious but whatev, it's my blog. So, here is what happened with my car, in list style.

• On Sunday your intrepid blogger set out to tour an apartment. She noticed a stuttering and "something turning over" feeling in her car. She was worried but buried her head in the sand. 
• On Tuesday morning, after dealing with Monday's commute, said intrepid blogger dropped her car off at Golden Rule, her go to neighborhood auto shop, and then walked home. 
• Later that Tuesday, Golden Rule called SIB to inform her that the problem seemed to be transmission related and so they would organize a transfer of the car to Rowlett Transmission, Golden Rule's go to for transmission issues. 
• Thursday roles around and SIB is about ready to lose her shit about her car and is tired of being stuck at home. Rowlett Transmission calls to let her know that the issue really seems to be underlying motor issues, causing the transmission to act up. The car is to be transferred back to Golden Rule. 
• Finally, today, Golden Rule calls SIB and informs her of the issues and the estimate. SIB nearly pisses herself with joy because the price is not astronomical and isn't going to break her. 

So there you go. I got Peanut back and didn't lose all of my savings. I have to say, working from home since Tuesday drove me fucking batty and I'm looking forward to going into the office on Monday. So my mood is great. 

This is totally opposite of what I have a feeling the Bat's mood will be when he gets home. After work, he came home to grab some mattresses, throw them in the truck, and drive to his parents' house. They are switching out beds for Monkey's room and Monkey spent the week there. After that, he has to go to Allen to bid on a tile job. Then he'll get to come home and I have a feeling he won't be in a good mood simply because he won't have had a chance to chill out. So I'll leave him alone for a good forty minutes or until he approaches me because I know that feeling. We all know Simply does not like to drive anywhere or do chores after work and the Bat's chores involve a LOT of driving.

Tomorrow we are having lunch with a colleague of mine, along with his wife. Sunday we are having lunch with a couple friend of ours. I'm certain I'll need to hole up in my room Sunday night, having been peopled out. "But Simply, you've been home alone with no human contact all week! How can two days of socialization people you out?" I don't know, it just happens, leave me alone about it.

For the moment, I am going to sit in the greenhouse, drinking beer and listening to the Russ Martin show. I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend followed by a less emotionally traumatic week. 

My Car

I drive a 2000 Saturn SL1, did you know that? Well, if you know me in real life then yes, yes you do know that because I've driven the same car for the past eleven years. ELEVEN. I now, crazy right? Shouldn't I have gone through three or four by now? Nope, I still drive the second car I've ever owned (the first was a 90's Honda Accord). When I originally got Peanut (so named because that is what I found under the hood; my Honda was Cookie for the same reason), it only had 27,000 miles on it. Now, after eleven years how may do you think it has. Go ahead and guess, I'll wait ......
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To be honest, I don't know the exact number of hand but it is somewhere in the ballpark of 103K and change. Clearly I don't drive a lot, other than my present commute. When I was married, I did all the driving until J got a car but when we lived in DE, he usually preferred to drive and I've never driven very far on a regular basis. Also, every boyfriend I've had since my marriage has preferred to drive because everyone hates my car. I didn't even hit the 100K mark until I not only drove down to Texas but commuted back and forth to the office a few times.

Why did my boyfriends and ex-husband hate my car? Apparently it feels like you are driving a toy that is going to break any minute. When J broke his ankle one winter, I would alternate between my car and his Impala. When I drove the Impala I would feel like I was driving a tank or a boat on my way to work but would be acclimated by the time I got home. Next day I'd get into my Saturn and good lord they were all right. My car is made out of bird bones, pipe cleaners, and a wish. It also vibrates and rattles, though less now than it used to. But it is also very well maintained. Mechanics always say "you take real good care of this little car don't you?" To which I respond, "no, you guys do. I just show up."

To be honest, I love my little car, even if it does feel like a toy that is going to break and even though I've had to pour a lot of money into it over the years (then again, wouldn't any car need money when owned for this long?) It looks like hell too, by the way. Remember a couple of years ago when I got into an accident and had them paint it black because I didn't like the red? There are many places where the pain is pealing off so you can see that it was originally red (fun fact: Saturn apparently used a very particular type of paint so when having body work done, it is actually cheaper to repaint the entire thing than to just have the messed up parts painted. Or at least that is what that particular Maaco franchise told me. Keep in mind they also left an aerosol can on my exhaust manifold, something I discovered when I went to Jiffy Lube for an oil change). And remember a couple of years ago when I got into another accident (this is the more recent one)? There is a piece of my car hanging off over the wheel on the back passenger side. People generally notice it after having seen my car numerous times and then ask "when did that happen?" "A few Valentine's Days ago" I respond.

But again, I like my little car, a lot. I'm going to miss the hell out of it when I get a new one. But I am saving up for a new car and the Bat assured me I could find a small pickup truck or an SUV with a hitch for 3K so I've neared my goal. Moving was going to take a bite out of it but you know, life. And then Sunday happened, the day I went and saw that lovely apartment. Beginning that day, I started feeling something turn over or stutter when I accelerated, worse with the A/C on. So I took it to my local mechanic shop, Golden Rule, yesterday, because I can walk to it and go home and work. Unfortunately, they said it was a transmission issue and had to refer me elsewhere. They were nice though, and called the other shop that they always use and arranged that someone would come pick up my car because, as I told the GR dude, I couldn't walk home from that other place.

I haven't heard from the transmission shop and I'm too chicken shit to call because I don't want to know. Transmission issues are always expensive, aren't they? And they don't even make my car anymore so that might add into it. The is a chance I'm going to have to forgo fixing my car and find a "new" one, hopefully one without a huge monthly payment.

So yeah, huge wrench in my fucking plans to either buy a new car or move out. But I'll tell you what, I don't know if it is the medication(s) or I'm used to it at this point, or I've just matured or what but I haven't freaked out about it yet. I haven't fallen into a heap crying over it like I used to. Instead, I just have a knot in my stomach, feeling so much dread as I wait for the call. That and I'm going nuts with cabin fever because I can't fucking go anywhere and have been working from home.  But I know that I'll figure something out no matter what so I guess I'm just maturing a little bit. I still have moments where I'm amazed that I'm an adult who has a job with benefits and a 401K and it's moments like this when I'm both grateful for that (the being an adult part) but also feel like a phony because I want to scream " I don't know what to do! Help me!"

Instead, I just keep my phone on me at all times and hope for the best whilst expecting the worst. Wish me luck friends. 

Lazy Sunday with My People Returned Home

Have you noticed how fucking tricky these pop up ads are getting? The actual 'x' to ex out of them is in light gray so you end up accidentally hitting a different part of the ad, thus taking you to the site. And for the life of me, I can't figure out if I have my pop up blocker set or not on this laptop. Oh, did I mention I got a new laptop? Trucker went with me to Best Buy the Friday we left for camping to help me find a cheap, personal laptop. He'd seen an ad for a cheap one and we ended up locating it (it was mislabeled) and tada! Actually, beyond tada because Trucker let me use his $5 gift card and I got a discount by using his Best Buy club card thing. It is an ASUS and that is all I can tell you. He made it out to seem like I'd end up with something with a tiny screen but this one is large enough and I really like it, though I'm having some trouble with the keyboard from time to time (you have to strike the keys rather hard and everything seems slightly to the left so if I want to switch to my work laptop, I'm all thumbs).

Anyhow, fuck those ads.

Monkey and the Bat got home yesterday afternoon. I had a feeling they'd return Saturday, though I wasn't expecting them that early. I'm afraid I let them down though, as I didn't jump or anything and the Bat had evidently told Monkey to watch for me to jump. I just said "Hey!" and that was it. Good to have them back but I still seem to spend a lot of my time in my room. I'm hoping to move out by October 1st so having all my stuff in one place is helpful. I toured a really nice apartment yesterday morning and I liked it but am going to wait for the leasing office lady to get back to me when a different model is open because I don't want to be on the first floor. I'll have a balcony and a fireplace and I'll be paying way less than I was at Springfield (which was, however, a really, really nice place). I explained to the Bat that I just realized this week that I prefer living on my own and he said it would work out for him too as he'd have alone time. I can go to my room but he doesn't have anywhere and apparently I bother him sometimes. That's understandable. I will say, however, that he isn't the type you'd think would require much alone time given how much he tries to surround himself with others. But it's natural and we all want alone time; it's just a shame that we don't want it at the same time I suppose. Oh, and he suggested that his day porter and friends might be willing to help me move for a couple of bucks and we can use Monkey's truck if need be. So perhaps this will be a smooth transition. The complex is also a bit closer to work, though my commute is still going to blow.

So my people are back and the Bat is currently in clean mode. I ran to the store for a few things and when I came back he was bagging up trash and then he started vacuuming. I know I complained about the way the left the place when the split for California, but I swear I didn't trash the place in revenge or anything. I really need to work on my poor, neglected garden but it is so fucking hot outside, even as I type this (which is before noon) and so I'm afraid I haven't much enthusiasm. I'm thinking I'll have a quiet, lazy Sunday and prep for my work week.

Here's hoping we all have a lovely week.

Solitude - Day, uhm, 6?

Sorry, had to go back and look at past posts to see if I had the number of days right. I started with Friday since that is when the Bat and Monkey flew out and I only saw them in the morning.

On My Own (as performed by Patty LaBelle and that white dude)
I'm really starting to feel like I live on my own at this point, mainly because, as I've said, I basically just hangout in my room and seldom venture out save for bathroom breaks and food (which I bring back to my room). It's kind of weird because when I walk out to the kitchen, I see evidence of my roommates but not only are they not here, but I hear very infrequently from the Bat. I sent him a single text yesterday to let him know that I get to have another meeting added to my calendar (weekly at that) and his response was "Fun. I'm visiting with grandma now." OK, at first I was all "hold up, son! All of my grandparents are dead so how are you hanging out with one of my grandmothers" because he phrased it like it was a person we both knew. Then I had really creepy images of him being a complete nutter, having lied to me about where he was going since neither of grandmothers are buried in California and if he was hanging out with one of them, was he just chilling at the grave site or did he dig one up?  After thinking about really scary circumstances with the Bat playing a sociopathic/necrophiliac/lunatic role, I came back down to reality and just mentally made fun of his family for being so lame with the grandparents naming. I seriously think everyone is grandma and grandpa. I understand that not everyone is going to have an Ammy and Pop or, as my mother is called, Mimi, but can't we be creative at all with this? But, to each their own.

My point, hidden though it be, is that not only do I not see these people, I don't hear from them very often either. So it really is beginning to feel like I live alone, which is all fine and dandy until I start imagining them NEVER coming home and then I'd have to take over making mortgage and utility payments and hellllllssss nah.

This bitch ain't got that kinda scratch, yo

Girls! (as performed by the Beastie Boys)
Last night was girls' night and, as usual it was fun. You know, until horror stories of sexual abuse popped up. I felt really bad because I was the one who needed to be comforted. I swear, I looked at my friend Spectero and with my mouth agape as Gigantor* rubbed my back because I was super horrified. I couldn't even eat my food.

Found this when doing a Google Image search for "horrified" and I think it is VERY apropos

But let's not discuss that shall we? Girls' night is always fun because Spectero gets to play a game called "will my husband remember that it is girls' night or will he text and ask me where I am." Last night she thought he remembered because he hadn't contacted her and the next thing we knew, he was texting her for that reason and then said something about "so no dinner?" which cracked me up because I imagined him stumbling around the house and walking around the center island in the kitchen trying to figure out how food happens without his wife around. Meanwhile, Gigantor's husband (newly married) was very worried that she'd get shitfaced and we'd let her drive home like that. Because that is the kind of people we are apparently. And dude knows us. Gigantor works at the sushi bar where I met Spectero and her husband is the bartender that knows us well enough to know how to make our drinks (plenty of alcohol and just a little bit of that pesky juice please). This was Gigantor's first time joining us and I think she had fun. We'll find out by seeing if she wants to go again. We call it the Awkward Girl's Club now that there are three of us because that is how Gigantor joined. Spectero and I were talking about how we are awkward with people and Gigantor, who was working the bar, said "so am I! I want to come out!" 

Roommate Status

Meanwhile, my SO was in California living it up with his family and, apparently, Facebooking. Do people generally Facebook on vacation? I mean, he hasn't done it a lot, just two posts, but I thought that was odd. One was just "At Some Restaurant With" and tagging his daughter, something he generally doesn't do. But whatevs. Today I think he heads for his old hometown where he can throw down with friends from high school and compare notes on how old and responsible they all are now. I think it is adorable that he is into that shit and it'll be nice for him to see people he hasn't seen in years. I would say it should be fun for Monkey to hear about dear old dad's high school hijinks but then again, the Bat is nothing if not a bit of a braggart so we've all heard plenty of stories about all different periods of his life. I just hope he doesn't decide to show me pictures of him posed with his ex girlfriends. No, that seriously is the type of thing he would do. Early on in our relationship, he made a point of showing me pictures of chicks he dated way back in the day (pre marriage and baby) and he's shown me a picture of him kissing his wife on their wedding day. 

Say what?!?!?!??!?!

I know, narcissism at its finest. He is a special one is our Bat. I do feel bad for him though, as he is planning on flying back on Sunday and will have to go to work the next day. I told him he should return Saturday since he is flying standby because Sunday is when all the business travelers head out. He sort of dismissed me but did say something about finding out from his brother what the flights were like (he and Monkey get buddy passes because his brother works for an airline).  

That's all folks, I've got to get back to work.**

*Gigantor's name was chosen because I needed a pseudonym but couldn't think of anything that didn't seem utterly racist. She is a tiny Cambodian girl so, as I said, I didn't want to be all racist sounding. So I did what you do when you call big people Tiny and named a tiny person Gigantor. 

**After hitting publish, I had to edit this post twice. I rule at life. 

Open Letter to a Friend

What happened to you is not your fault, it was not right, and it served no purpose. You would still be the same badass that you are today without that trauma. I know I lost my shit, that I gaped at you with an open mouth and cried when you told us what happened. I'm sorry, that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person who RAPED you when you were two years old.

You are amazing. I've known that for a long time now given the career change you made, based on who you are. But tonight I learned so much more. You are a better person than I as I would totally be fucked up on that crack pipe if I led your life. Not you. No, you said fuck this shit, I'm out and made a better life for you and your kids. You said fuck my history, we aren't doing this anymore. I can pat myself on the back all day long for spending over $700 on saving my guinea pig but you, YOU, my dear, you broke a cycle and you got away from some really fucked up shit. You made a life for yourself when no one wanted you to.

I really am in awe of you. I am sorry for reacting the way I did but god damn it, what you told me was not OK. It isn't OK. YOU did nothing wrong. YOU were always fine. NONE of that was your fault.

If I could, I'd go back in time and hold you and tell you these things, but I can't. But I think and hope you are OK enough to know that it had nothing to do with you.

And I still want to meet these people in your life so that I can make them hurt for hurting you. 

Solitude - Day 3

Sunday was a total wash for me for the most part. I did some more laundry (stripped my bed and the Bat's bed) because apparently I was in the laundry zone this weekend. I also made sure the dogs had plenty of food and water, that the fish in the water tub had food, and that all was well in the greenhouse (as well as taking care of the indoor pets). I took out the overflowing trash, ate some really unhealthy food, and went to Target for Lean Cuisine things for lunch at work. And at some point during that day, I did something to cause either a pinched nerve or just some god awful things where my left hip had a shooting pain that went down my leg.

Seriously. I tried to walk and my legs buckled unless I kept the left completely straight. I went to lay down on my bed and I had to basically army crawl/slither on my belly to get on it because EVERYTHING I did with either of my legs caused an incredible amount of pain. Crying kind of pain, and the crying just made it worse. I cannot imagine what, exactly, it is that I did but that son of a bitch hurt more than anything I've ever experienced save, maybe, for the optic neuritis. I thought about taking a bath with Epsom salts but I couldn't find them and then realized that there was a good chance I wouldn't make it out of the tub once in. For fuck's sake, I put my stepping stool next to my bed to make it easier for me to get in (my bed comprises a big wooden frame, a box spring, and two mattresses). Once on the bed I would just lay in whatever position I landed in (half fetal, half 'I think that chick jumped from a window and landed here') and tried hard not to move.

I ended up taking Ibuprofen and some muscle relaxers, the latter of which pretty much just knocked me out. I'm better today and find that going up and down stairs isn't a problem. Driving wasn't a problem either. I wince when I sneeze and I still walk funny because I'm trying to be cautious, but the pain is less and my knees aren't buckling. Of course this would happen when I'm all alone and have no one to help me. But it could always be worse and, as I've said, the pain has lessened tremendously. So I'm really going with the pinched nerve theory. I'm just really glad I didn't have to work from home after I did that twice last week because of my back.

Whilst lying in bed and having finished The Killings, I binged on Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries, this Australian series set in the 20's with one Miss Fisher (actress was born in 1970) as the protagonist. I know it sometimes seems like I go out of my way to find esoteric shit to watch (Australian murder mysteries? WTF?) but it was recommended for me by Netflix and I love this who dunnit' crap.

Having watched so much 'television', I've decided that today I'm going to do mundane chores (after I stop at Target for a prescription and, possibly, some wine) like clean the kitchen, vacuum my bedroom, and give Johan some floor time in the greenhouse. I'm also going to see if I can't do some yoga; if my hip tells me 'no', I will stop immediately, but it's been over a week since I've exercised at all and my back is better and my tailbone is, for the most part, better, so I don't want to get too lazy about it. I'm actually hoping the yoga helps with the leg/hip/whatever-part-of-my-body pain.

Basically, I'm going to try and be productive in my evening hours to make up for my weekend of slothfulness (well, to be fair, I did do some chores, as mentioned above).

Wish me luck!

Project Roommate: Day 1

Ugh. Today has been a trial but, if I think about it, it's a lot like moving in to a new place. I've spent the day - when not continuing to clean up and do laundry - moving my clothing from the Bat's room into my room, which is a pain in the fucking ass. I've also rounded up all my shoes and organized my extra hangers (not a huge closet in my room so excess hangers go in a bin). You know what I've found out? Even after getting rid of a lot of stuff, I still have a mother fucking lot of stuff. I've even packed most of my towels, mostly just because I don't feel like washing them again and because packing them always sucks.

So it's really just been a day of chores and watching the American version of The Killing, which I began watching last year and didn't know had more episodes. I'm taking a break right now to eat some mozzarella sticks before even thinking about what is up next. I'm going to leave my toiletries where they are, I think, just to keep my life from being super difficult. After all, once the Bat and Monkey are back from LA (they landed safely around 1 by the way), I'll not continue sleeping in my room and I'll continue performing my daily ablutions in the Bat's bathroom.

In other news, I paid my student loans so I'm broke as hell. But, that is the story of my life and I have enough to occupy me without even thinking of going out and buying anything. Living paycheck to paycheck is for the birds and I seriously need to start playing the lotto every week so that I can win my damned millions already.

Day one has been tiresome but pretty successful (I even picked out some stuff for Goodwill so I'm still getting rid of shit). Here's hoping the rest of the experiment goes well. Oh! And that I find a decent apartment to move into. Fingers crossed. 

I Need Better Roommates or My Own Place

If you didn't know, my having said it a number of times, the Bat and Monkey are on route to California for a vacation and will not be returning until next Sunday. Here is what I initially had to take care of:

• Greenhouse: Make sure the water is running, the pond level is up, and the fish are fed
• Dogs: Food, water, fish food for the fish in their water
• Bubbles and Johan

Then Monkey got a *hamster from her friend, her dad apparently said she couldn't keep it, I told the Bat I would prefer someone else take the damn thing for the week because I have a bad track record, he said he'd take care of it.

Welp, after work I came home and checked Monkey's room and found that the *hamster is still here. I texted the Bat who told me that the owner was out of town for a month. Um, why didn't you think to fucking tell me the night before when you talked to your kid about it? Why didn't you tell me during the fucking day that you were leaving? Thanks for the head's up.

During my rounds, I couldn't find any food other than what was in the cage. Monkey informed me that was all there was. I informed her that that is not how it works and the thing would starve. So not only did they fail to mention that I would be taking care of the thing, they failed to mention I would have to buy supplies.

Thanks guys.

Oh, but there is more. They left behind a sink of dishes, none of which were mine (including pots and pans on the counters), to go cups all over (one of which was mine), and laundry in the dryer that I had not done. I'm their fucking roommate, not the maid. But I had to take care of the trash and the dishes because if I leave them 9 days I'll have to deal with bugs.

I am legit looking for new digs.

*Oh, and it isn't a hamster I don't think. It is small and has a tail and I've never had a hamster with a tail.

You know what? That's how I feel, like a roommate. So whilst I'm alone, I'm going to act that way and sleep in my room rather than the Bat's. That's how I describe this place. "I live with my boyfriend in his house." When I talk to the Bat I say "it's in your bedroom." When I don't say "I live with my boyfriend" I say "the house where I live." Because it isn't my home. Even though I pay rent and have my own room, this isn't my home. I'm a visitor, a well paying guest. So, for this week, I'm going to act like just that. And we'll see where I go from there.