Warning folks, this is about my ex husband.
These are the things I miss about J. He was so fucking funny. I cannot begin to explain how hilarious he was. Like me, he got really annoyed when one of his jokes didn't make me laugh because that was something important to both of us. We also would watch stand up comedy and whenever there is anything that reminds me of him, I think of him. The Bat and I are watching either Transformers or Transformers 2. All I know is that J and I watched this comedian who had a joke about giving his wife either an oven or a vacuum for her birthday. Everyone booed and so he stressed that it was a really good oven/vacuum. He went on to say that he'd filled one of her childhood dreams because little girls grow up with easy bake ovens and fake vacuums. "If my wife came home on my birthday and gave me a car/truck that turned into a robot it would blow my mind."
J and I laughed at that a lot. Sometimes I can't remember everything about a funny story he told me, an anecdote from his day. Do you ever have something trigger a very tiny bit of memory and you wish you could remember the whole thing? That's what happens with me. J was so god damned funny and I wish I could remember all of his jokes.
He was also the smartest person I ever met. Don't get me wrong, the Bat is smart and capable but J was smart in an intellectual, unneeded way. With the Bat, I always know that if I/we can do it, we'll fix it ourself. With J, I'd muse about something and he'd have mused about it as well but done the research. That is why I know what a Blue Hen is, the mascot of my alma mater. And I just learned so much. Every time I see a bird and wonder what it is, I think of J because he would probably know given his random interest in birds. He is the reason I notice hawks at all. I'm so unobservant that I never noticed how many hawks and vultures I could see on any given day. Now, when I see a red tailed hawk, I think of J. There is a bird that frequents my office's parking lot and I think it is a grackle but I don't know for sure. J would know. J could tell me.
I miss the way that he, like me, would always find himself saying something that was redundant, ridiculous, or awful, call it, and explain in a joke. Here is my example. When J broke his ankle, I drove his car one day and mine the next. He was stuck at home and we wanted both cars to be maintained. One time, when I was driving his car, he pointed out that I need to keep the center glove box thing closed because otherwise thieves might see CDs and steal the car. I don't remember what it was but he mentioned something else. Then he said, in a totally "I'm joking because I know I just sounded like an ass" voice "I'm going to be giving you a bunch more rules, OK?" Maybe you had to be there, I don't know. I just know that we called awkward moments and when we realized we were being asses, we said something.
I still love J, of course. Not romantically. I google him from time to time, hoping to find a wedding announcement but know that is ridiculous because he, like me, doesn't believe in marriage and he, like me, would never draw attention to himself. I wish, at least once a week, that I could have some confirmation that he was happy. I don't know why, considering I left him. I just think he is a phenomenal guy and I want him to be happy. And that is totally selfish of me. I want him to be happy and partnered so that I know he is happy and I did the right thing and I didn't ruin his life.
I truly want him to be happy but I guess there is a part of me that wants to know I didn't totally fuck him up.
I don't believe in marriage and I won't do it again. For a while I thought I would like it because I honestly did like being married to J. But I hurt someone, very much. So I'm not going to do that again. But I hope he has found someone worthy of him, someone who gets him. That is what he deserves.
These are the things I miss about J. He was so fucking funny. I cannot begin to explain how hilarious he was. Like me, he got really annoyed when one of his jokes didn't make me laugh because that was something important to both of us. We also would watch stand up comedy and whenever there is anything that reminds me of him, I think of him. The Bat and I are watching either Transformers or Transformers 2. All I know is that J and I watched this comedian who had a joke about giving his wife either an oven or a vacuum for her birthday. Everyone booed and so he stressed that it was a really good oven/vacuum. He went on to say that he'd filled one of her childhood dreams because little girls grow up with easy bake ovens and fake vacuums. "If my wife came home on my birthday and gave me a car/truck that turned into a robot it would blow my mind."
J and I laughed at that a lot. Sometimes I can't remember everything about a funny story he told me, an anecdote from his day. Do you ever have something trigger a very tiny bit of memory and you wish you could remember the whole thing? That's what happens with me. J was so god damned funny and I wish I could remember all of his jokes.
He was also the smartest person I ever met. Don't get me wrong, the Bat is smart and capable but J was smart in an intellectual, unneeded way. With the Bat, I always know that if I/we can do it, we'll fix it ourself. With J, I'd muse about something and he'd have mused about it as well but done the research. That is why I know what a Blue Hen is, the mascot of my alma mater. And I just learned so much. Every time I see a bird and wonder what it is, I think of J because he would probably know given his random interest in birds. He is the reason I notice hawks at all. I'm so unobservant that I never noticed how many hawks and vultures I could see on any given day. Now, when I see a red tailed hawk, I think of J. There is a bird that frequents my office's parking lot and I think it is a grackle but I don't know for sure. J would know. J could tell me.
I miss the way that he, like me, would always find himself saying something that was redundant, ridiculous, or awful, call it, and explain in a joke. Here is my example. When J broke his ankle, I drove his car one day and mine the next. He was stuck at home and we wanted both cars to be maintained. One time, when I was driving his car, he pointed out that I need to keep the center glove box thing closed because otherwise thieves might see CDs and steal the car. I don't remember what it was but he mentioned something else. Then he said, in a totally "I'm joking because I know I just sounded like an ass" voice "I'm going to be giving you a bunch more rules, OK?" Maybe you had to be there, I don't know. I just know that we called awkward moments and when we realized we were being asses, we said something.
I still love J, of course. Not romantically. I google him from time to time, hoping to find a wedding announcement but know that is ridiculous because he, like me, doesn't believe in marriage and he, like me, would never draw attention to himself. I wish, at least once a week, that I could have some confirmation that he was happy. I don't know why, considering I left him. I just think he is a phenomenal guy and I want him to be happy. And that is totally selfish of me. I want him to be happy and partnered so that I know he is happy and I did the right thing and I didn't ruin his life.
I truly want him to be happy but I guess there is a part of me that wants to know I didn't totally fuck him up.
I don't believe in marriage and I won't do it again. For a while I thought I would like it because I honestly did like being married to J. But I hurt someone, very much. So I'm not going to do that again. But I hope he has found someone worthy of him, someone who gets him. That is what he deserves.
No comments:
Post a Comment