Poof

Breaking the Camel's Back

It's always fun to find new levels of pain that our bodies will dredge up when we find that we are, in fact, more stressed than we've ever been. Nice to know I have something to look forward to and that I can never say "well, at least it can't get worse." The usual insomnia and hysterical crying jags are par for the course (though the frequency of said crying jags has increased) but the tensing up of neck muscles as soon as I hit a road near my office and the clenching of my jaw throughout the day is not. Nor is the acid reflux I developed for a few days. That's what acid reflux is? What a bitch I am for thinking it couldn't be that bad. It's like with allergies; I used to think allergies just meant you were a pussy and then I realized that no, that's not what it is. And I didn't even develop any myself. But reflux, oy vey. And it just seems counter-intuitive to me that when it happens I need to eat. I feel like I'm about to throw up any moment and I'm supposed to put food on it? Ooph.

So yes, stress. Work has had me bent over for so long now that my knees are locked in place. Just the constant demands on my time from people who like to tell me how busy they are all the time. Whenever people say "we've just been too busy" I want to punch them in the throat because what the fuck? I'm busy too, partly because these assholes are clueless and disorganized and are just plain assholes. But my manager appears to have spoken with someone because all of a sudden the frequent requests/demands have stopped. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop however, waiting for the head of the division that has been the noose around my neck to pull back on the rope. My friend tells me not to worry unless or until something comes up but I find that difficult a lot of the time because I despise the unknown. So my neck tenses up and my body refuses to relax enough to sleep.

Medical Madness

Saw my neurologist on Friday. We went through the usual exam and he said I was fine and he had no worries. He's leaving for Yale in December and I'll see one of his colleagues, all of whom he says are nice people. "I don't need them to be nice, " I said, "I just need them to be good." His response was "well, you aren't what I'd call a difficult patient." Lovely compliment.

But I'm glad that he doesn't foresee me having any issues. Still, I have a follow up MRI on September 7, when we'll see if I have any new inflammation (fingers crossed). And he prescribed me an anti anxiety medication at my request, because work is so stressful. Maybe it is a placebo effect or maybe it is already working but suffice it to say, it is my new best friend.

Respite

Upstairs Kid and I went shooting on Saturday. I did really poorly at first. My stance was off, I wasn't using the proper part of my finger to shoot, and I wasn't sure which eye to use. I eventually settled on the left, UK corrected how I was holding my arms and reminded me to use the flesh of my finger pad only. I improved greatly. And I had a great time. As we left the range, we saw a small plane flying low. I got it into my head that there might be an airshow and said "do you want to have an adventure?" UK was all for it so we did a U Turn and found the Fairfield airport, one of those small ones for private planes. We stumbled upon a historic airplane museum which was tiny and a bit sad but super fun because I got to sit in these little war replica planes an jeeps and such. We also got to see sky divers come in, those who took off at the other end of the hanger. Total fun.


From there we decided to cap the day with lunch and he suggested Rusty Bucket and swore he knew where it was. He sort of did but he'd gone there by bike so we got a bit turned around before finding it. As soon as we arrived I received a text from a number I didn't recognize. "I was thinking about you and hope you are doing OK. Take it for what it is ... take care." I didn't need Columbo or Sherlock to help me figure out that it was most likely Stalker. I forwarded it to Hunter so he could look up the number and yep, Stalker indeed. I received a second, garbled text about an hour later. "My dog and I didn't expect to get a reply but we wish you would". At least, I think that is what it said but it was really fucked up because he was drunk and/or high. Lovely. Fortunately, that was the end of it and I haven't heard from him since and when I returned to work on Monday, I didn't look at him. He did email me a forward to see if an issue that was closed had really been taken care of and I simply replied "no. For more detail please see the telecom worker involved." No wiggle room there. If he approaches me again Hunter said he'd call him and see what his problem is. Friends in high places.

Emotional

So Friday was a good medical appointment and, for the most part, a great Saturday. I stayed at UK's place that night because we went out drinking so I crashed on his floor. Got up at 7:30 a.m. and went to drive home but hit a fucking curb fucking up my rim. The tow truck guy was nice and even researched my preferred shop. Dropped car off, went back to UK's place to watch a couple episodes of "Deadliest Warrior"*, and eventually got the call that they put a spare on and would call me when they had the rim. Went home and crashed.

And then.... J called me on Sunday and told me that he wanted to let me know that he felt bad about not responding to my emails. He knows it's over and that I don't want to be his wife but he still loves me and so when I email him, it consumes him. I didn't know. We had an emotional conversation. In the end, I told him I'd stop emailing until he was ready and he reached out. It was a terrible conversation but a funny one because he always makes me laugh. He said goodbye by saying "well, it's been good crying with you but I think I should go." We talked about how he is really angry at me but really sad and can't help but love me. We talked about how he's so full of hate and anger and I just wish he could use it for good for once (it's true, he's an angry guy) and he said he's tried that but it doesn't work. I told him that whenever he calls I'm afraid he's going to yell at me and he said he thinks that's what I want because it will make me feel less guilty. "No, J, that isn't what I want. I'm terrified when you yell. And nothing will make me feel less guilty."

There were a few jokes about the pig, about how I signed papers giving him custody but that I have to pay for his maintenance and medical care. J also needs me to watch him from now until the pig dies. But still, Johan is no longer mine. The pig always distracts us from crying for a bit.

But yeah, tomorrow is D day. I have directions. I have my outfit planned (professional to show that I'm treating the occasion with respect). I have anti anxiety medication.

I have no idea how I'm going to hold my shit together.

The end

As you can see, I'm a bit scattered. I've been working on this post for awhile and I just can't write with any sense of cohesive narrative. I'm hoping the new meds help. Or maybe I'll go back to drawing pictures. Who knows? Who cares?

Monster in My Portmanteau

In which I'm rather judgmental 
Hmm, really? Anarchists my ass. Me thinks these young men watch a wee bit too much "Fight Club".

Also, who didn't see this coming? No, really, who out there sat over a cup of tea with a friend saying "say what you will, but at least she has some principles" as though those principles were made of adamantium? When I first read that she wouldn't do porn my thought was "bitch you stupid" (yes, 'bitch you stupid' is literally how I thought it). I mean, come on, you have fourteen kids; what kind of day job do you foresee yourself having to take care of them all? And are you really going to be working a nine to five job? Me thinks not.

Maxwell Drew?  My first thought was that they didn't know they'd had a girl. BFF, who was weirdly concerned about her girl Jess because she looked uncomfortable at the end of her pregnancy, said they'd call the baby Maxie for short. Maxie Johnson? Is that not a terrific porn name? As Birdy said "if she was the heiress to a million dollar industry, I'd feel bad for the kid." I do like Maxwell Drew for a boy though.

In which I'm fucking stupid

I forgot my wallet today. I'm not exactly sure how I manage to do that but I frequently leave my wallet at home on days I don't bring anything in the way of food with me to work. I hate these days because I end up having to go hungry, borrow money, or <shudder>, eat what I have at my disposal. Today that means left over carrots, celery, and cucumber slices with hummus, a greek yogurt, some blueberries, and/or oatmeal (not to mention a boat load of candy). I packed all that healthy crap yesterday, aiming to start eating like a proper human (well, I also had ramen but I'm a proper person of limited funds and imagination) and it wasn't bad... yesterday, when I could have gotten something else if I'd so chosen because I had my wallet with me. Healthy food, when it is my only option, is worse than healthy food when it is of my choosing. That's why I'm eyeballing the orange on my desk with revulsion and anger. Fucking stupid orange, all complicated to peal.

I did have some of the veggies and hummus and it wasn't the worst experience in my life, but I only ate them after I'd eaten some of the candy my mother sent me. Basically, I ate the healthy crap out of guilt. Then I just continued to refill my coffee cup because I seem to think if I drink enough coffee, it will eventually be food. In reality, I just keep going to the ladies room. Fortunately, Bean just called and offered to bring me something from Target. I explained that I did have stuff I could eat and that I had just poured more coffee but she was all "I can get you those garlic spring rolls we like" and it was very much like Jen Barkley telling Leslie Knope she would buy her those waffles she liked and I totally caved. Bean even told me not to worry about the three whole dollars the lean cuisine is going to cost! How did that happen? Muffin button? Probably the muffin button.

Next Day

I had a nightmare last night about Stalker. It was the worst I've had, ever, so bad that I woke up and felt afraid. I've had nightmares like that in the past, but not involving Stalker. I haven't even seen that guy much in the last few weeks but there he was, scaring me in my dreams. I thought I was passed those days.

I also dreamed that I was in a car accident again only this time it wasn't my fault.

I also told J that I was going to disappear. He texted me asking what I meant and why and I just told him I meant from his life, not Earth, and that it was too painful too stay in his life (or attempt to at any rate). He texted back "I heard that." Then I fell asleep and dreamed about Stalker and a car accident. I wonder if it just means that I have survived my worst fear and that I need to stop beating myself up about things that happen in my personal life, not take on all the blame.

J is 33 today. I feel better than I thought I would and, whilst sad, it is a low level numbness rather than the weeping grief I've been experiencing lately. I'm sure if I say "I think I'm finally through it" I'll just stumble into another wall of mourning so I'll simply say that I seem to have made progress. 

Now

Now I am at work, taking a quick ten minutes to finish this post before delving back in. I've worked 22 hours so far this week and it is only Wednesday. I have much more to do and I'm learning and growing professionally in the midst of it all. Not a bad week so far, all things considered.

And for some reason, I can't stop thinking about perfume and how I would like to have some. I have two old bottles, one Structure, which I've had for at least 8 years and one Joy, which BFF gave me when she moved. I don't wear either of them that often and I've wanted a new scent for years but just never seem to bring myself to it. Quite random, isn't it? Like having a food craving.

Rallying the Troops

I told J about Stalker last night. I've written this post maybe three times and now I think I'm just basically going to say this: I finally told J and he wasn't mad at me though he would like to beat the piss out of Stalker. He is, of course, very concerned and I had to explain all of the options I have and how I'm not going to just let things happen.

I felt better for telling him and realized that I think the anger I've been feeling the last few days has been because of the recent events (the 1 a.m. email and the coming to my cubicle for no real reason). I've been put on high alert again after I finally managed to calm down. Hunter knows all about it but he isn't here and can't really help me. No one else in my company knows from me (I'm certain one guy knows from Stalker but I don't know who else he might have spoken with). So I've been on edge and nervous and uncertain without any back up. Now I have J and I don't have to worry so much any more about not having told him.

I didn't go into detail (I prefer not to relive every single moment of my life after all), but I told him the basics and let him know that this did not just affect me but my friend. He convinced me that I needed to tell someone in my office so I emailed my old boss late in the evening. I sent her a very black and white, dry, sterile account of what happened and explained that I just needed someone in the office to have documentation of it. Because what if Stalker decides to try to cause problems for me at my job? I don't think he will but then, I never thought he'd abuse his position and access my email in order to harass me so who knows?

So the secret is sort of out and I'm nervous about how old boss will handle it but I think it was for the best. I also hope, sincerely, that I don't ever waste another post on that mother fucker.

What I Do These Days

I posted the picture of the donkey that I drew and figured I might as well come clean. I've spent too much time during this work week drawing pictures. Bad pictures. Here are the other two.

Weasel

 

Elephant

Seeing as they aren't that great, one might wonder how much time I actually spent. Well, I have to find a picture online (thank you google.com/images!) and then copy from that, usually over notes I've made during the day. There is something therapeutic about it when I'm in a rotten mood.

In other work news

I'm moving! I get to move to a new cubicle and I am ridiculously stoked because it's a great cubicle. What makes it so great is that it is tucked away in a place where few venture on a daily basis so I'll get to hide away from the rest of the office. I made the request to move because there is a lot of traffic in my hallway that I tune out. Then someone will need me and they'll come to my cubicle and scare the living shit out of me (I'm jumpy). But the other benefit is that I won't have to deal with knowing when Stalker passes by. I know that sounds weird but I can usually tell who it is behind me and he has a distinctive walk. I'm still annoyed about his emailing me with his request so I'm more on edge these days. Hell, I had a nightmare last night and he was in it, threatening to tell everyone I work with about what happened. So that distance is a good thing.

Also, my friend, Hunter, is coming back to my office! He's only going to be here for a blink of an eye but I didn't think I'd see him again for years so this is a total bonus. All of my really good friends live thousands of miles away from me so I never get to see anyone and I made the mistake of becoming this guy's friend knowing that he lives far away (everyone else just fucking moved on me). So yippee.

Now I just have to hope my boss doesn't give me an awkward or bad performance review in the next coming months and I should have confirmation for my belief that 31 is going to be a good year (all it takes, apparently, is getting to move to a new cubicle and having a friend visit for a day).

Under the bridge

So the thing I meant to say earlier before I went on that weird gym tangent. It has been on my mind for the last week or so, kicking around in there like dusty marbles banging into one another as I tilt my head hoping they'll just slip out of my ear. It has to do with Stalker and I've been hesitant to write about it for a couple of reasons. The whole situation, especially in retrospect, actually affected me more than I like to let on and I don't generally like to think about any of it, preferring, instead, on the ostrich/sand approach. This is, after all, one of the only situations where I can get away with that approach. I'm also hesitant because what I'm going to say feels mean spirited even though I don't mean it to be. Stalker is a sympathetic character in a number of ways and, unless I'm talking about blatant shit like background checks and email hacking, to say anything negative about him would probably surprise the people we both know and make me look like a bitch. Hunter knows the most about it but even he doesn't have a fly on the wall perspective and he, too, feels a lot of sympathy for Stalker. They are the same age, roughly, in the same field, and occasionally work together. Stalker also had(has?) a tendency to unload on Hunter, much of what he said untrue, hyperbolic, and, at times, delusional. Hunter is a nice and forgiving man, which is one of the best things about him, and I've never blamed him for being so kindhearted toward a man who completely violated both of our privacy. We all have our own specific relationships with one another and his and Stalker's is different than his and mine and mine and Stalker's (like that sentence? Neither do I). But this means that I don't really have many outlets to talk about things that I've realized in retrospect and so my blog gets to deal with it.

Stalker is a nice, generous, and warmhearted individual. He truly cares about his friends, took a nephew under his wing, and will give you the shirt off his back. He's accomplished a lot in his life and has a lot to be proud of. He is, by all accounts, a good guy. However, he is also immature in some respects. If he didn't get his way, he would keep on and keep on and keep on the subject until I felt like a trapped animal, hoping to chew through my own paw to escape. I tried to explain once that his behavior made me feel claustrophobic (something he didn't quite understand but relayed incorrectly to Hunter, just as an example) because it was suffocating and stifling to not be able to just disagree and move on. I was so uncomfortable that I grabbed my shit and split just to get some air and get away from him. He admits to being one who fixates on things but I don't think even he realizes how he'll zero in on very specific wants and just push and push until he's all but pushed the desired item over the edge.

He was also extremely nasty when we got into fights and said oddly mean things about me. One time he accused me of using him. We weren't having a fight or anything, it just came out and he didn't understand why I was upset. What's more, it didn't matter that I was upset and he didn't want to understand. Instead, he eventually started yelling at me and telling me that I was twisting his words like I apparently always did to everyone. I don't remember half of what he said because it didn't make a lot of sense but it continued when I got home and he was sending me emails saying that I liked to hurt people, that I didn't care about anyone, that I could never love anyone until I loved myself, and so on and so forth. It was bizarre because it was vitriolic and Stalker is not someone that you would ever think capable of such intense hatred.

Here is another reason why I wasn't bursting at the seams to talk about this, the fact that I put up with it and allowed it to happen. Stalker was possessive and domineering in a way and I let him get away with a hell of a lot because I thought "oh, well, he didn't mean that and he felt bad." Truthfully, he didn't mean it and he did feel bad. This isn't abused girlfriend speech, trust me. You can tell when someone has a pattern of behavior and when they are truly shocked that what they did had consequences they weren't expecting. Stalker really is naive in a respect and without malicious intent. I let that excuse his behavior and allowed myself to be treated poorly because I felt so indebted to his incredible kindness and generosity (like I said, I am fortunate to have generous friends but I still feel guilty about taking what I haven't earned). I continually forgave him and he never learned. It wasn't until he had me literally scared of him and unsure of his actions that I snapped out of it and demanded that I be treated with a modicum of respect. So, in a way, I did behave like the victim of domestic abuse because I constantly forgave him and let it go without forcing him to understand exactly why his behavior was unacceptable. Instead, he said sorry, got a bit teary, and I said "OK, let's just move on." I basically invited the same thing to happen over and over. Don't misunderstand, I never felt bullied or scared into submission. It was more of taking an objective stance, as I so often did growing up, and thinking "he didn't mean it, he feels bad, he apologized, so my pressing the point and asking that my feelings be truly addressed would be petty." My friendship with Hunter is far more normal and benevolent as evidenced by the fact that I recently felt insulted by him and, instead of justifying himself, he took a step back and said that he did not want to explain himself more fear of firing me up further. He'd said something that I took to mean 'you'll grow out of your silly beliefs' and I knew he didn't mean it that way. He never once apologized and he didn't take the topic further. He just stopped it because he didn't want me to be upset. That is one of the best tactics to take, stepping away so that you don't muddy the waters further. I didn't feel like my hurt feelings were invalidated, that I was overreacting, or that he didn't care. At the same time, I didn't feel bad for him or that I should just let it go but let him know how and why he'd offended me. In short, I simply felt what I think really happened, he said something that he may not have thought about thoroughly, I felt the way I did, and we let it go rather than jumping down a rabbit hole together. Hunter had nothing to be forgiven for and I had nothing to forgive. We are friends, the world goes round, and he learned a little bit about me. What's more, the way in which he offended me is what I consider generic and unconscious because so many people do that shit to me without thinking. Just because he is my friend does not mean that Hunter automatically knows what buttons to avoid.

I did have a lot of fun with the kid. We went out, got wasted, danced, played a bit with controlled substances, and laughed our asses off. He is the most generous person I've ever met and I tried my best to keep him from being taken advantage of. But the moment he fell in love with me, he fell out of reality and things were fucked. I just didn't know it. But he was not the nice guy he claimed and still claims to be. I don't know if he was always like this or if it happened as it did because it had been over a decade since he'd felt anything romantic towards a woman. He was, in reality, immature, clingy, needy, cruel, and overbearing. I enabled it by being such a pushover and not standing up for myself when I should have done. That is to say, I have my part of the blame.

Here is why I can bring myself to talk about this. We all need an outlet and virtually none of the people we have in common will ever hear my side. I'm not going to all of the people we both know to give my detailed account of what happened because it is none of their business and I don't see the point. There are only two people who know us both who will likely ever know my side of things in this depth. One is my best friend and she, in a way, doesn't count. Sorry girl, I love you, but you only knew him for a year and you weren't here for the play by play. The other is Hunter.

I think that writing about it all is my way of getting my side out there without having to run some campaign to prove I wasn't some horrible girl who took advantage of a nice guy. Because I'm not. And Stalker isn't a horrible human being who preys on young girls to treat them badly. It was a terrible situation, a perfect storm, a horrible experiment. I feel and hope that it was specific to our personalities so that neither of us, or those on the periphery, ever has to go through it again. But it did happen and I do have a side and I am effected. Now, I believe, I can let the water flow under the bridge without a dam.