In which I'm rather judgmental
Hmm, really? Anarchists my ass. Me thinks these young men watch a wee bit too much "Fight Club".
Also, who didn't see this coming? No, really, who out there sat over a cup of tea with a friend saying "say what you will, but at least she has some principles" as though those principles were made of adamantium? When I first read that she wouldn't do porn my thought was "bitch you stupid" (yes, 'bitch you stupid' is literally how I thought it). I mean, come on, you have fourteen kids; what kind of day job do you foresee yourself having to take care of them all? And are you really going to be working a nine to five job? Me thinks not.
Maxwell Drew? My first thought was that they didn't know they'd had a girl. BFF, who was weirdly concerned about her girl Jess because she looked uncomfortable at the end of her pregnancy, said they'd call the baby Maxie for short. Maxie Johnson? Is that not a terrific porn name? As Birdy said "if she was the heiress to a million dollar industry, I'd feel bad for the kid." I do like Maxwell Drew for a boy though.
I did have some of the veggies and hummus and it wasn't the worst experience in my life, but I only ate them after I'd eaten some of the candy my mother sent me. Basically, I ate the healthy crap out of guilt. Then I just continued to refill my coffee cup because I seem to think if I drink enough coffee, it will eventually be food. In reality, I just keep going to the ladies room. Fortunately, Bean just called and offered to bring me something from Target. I explained that I did have stuff I could eat and that I had just poured more coffee but she was all "I can get you those garlic spring rolls we like" and it was very much like Jen Barkley telling Leslie Knope she would buy her those waffles she liked and I totally caved. Bean even told me not to worry about the three whole dollars the lean cuisine is going to cost! How did that happen? Muffin button? Probably the muffin button.
I also dreamed that I was in a car accident again only this time it wasn't my fault.
I also told J that I was going to disappear. He texted me asking what I meant and why and I just told him I meant from his life, not Earth, and that it was too painful too stay in his life (or attempt to at any rate). He texted back "I heard that." Then I fell asleep and dreamed about Stalker and a car accident. I wonder if it just means that I have survived my worst fear and that I need to stop beating myself up about things that happen in my personal life, not take on all the blame.
J is 33 today. I feel better than I thought I would and, whilst sad, it is a low level numbness rather than the weeping grief I've been experiencing lately. I'm sure if I say "I think I'm finally through it" I'll just stumble into another wall of mourning so I'll simply say that I seem to have made progress.
And for some reason, I can't stop thinking about perfume and how I would like to have some. I have two old bottles, one Structure, which I've had for at least 8 years and one Joy, which BFF gave me when she moved. I don't wear either of them that often and I've wanted a new scent for years but just never seem to bring myself to it. Quite random, isn't it? Like having a food craving.
Hmm, really? Anarchists my ass. Me thinks these young men watch a wee bit too much "Fight Club".
Also, who didn't see this coming? No, really, who out there sat over a cup of tea with a friend saying "say what you will, but at least she has some principles" as though those principles were made of adamantium? When I first read that she wouldn't do porn my thought was "bitch you stupid" (yes, 'bitch you stupid' is literally how I thought it). I mean, come on, you have fourteen kids; what kind of day job do you foresee yourself having to take care of them all? And are you really going to be working a nine to five job? Me thinks not.
Maxwell Drew? My first thought was that they didn't know they'd had a girl. BFF, who was weirdly concerned about her girl Jess because she looked uncomfortable at the end of her pregnancy, said they'd call the baby Maxie for short. Maxie Johnson? Is that not a terrific porn name? As Birdy said "if she was the heiress to a million dollar industry, I'd feel bad for the kid." I do like Maxwell Drew for a boy though.
In which I'm fucking stupid
I forgot my wallet today. I'm not exactly sure how I manage to do that but I frequently leave my wallet at home on days I don't bring anything in the way of food with me to work. I hate these days because I end up having to go hungry, borrow money, or <shudder>, eat what I have at my disposal. Today that means left over carrots, celery, and cucumber slices with hummus, a greek yogurt, some blueberries, and/or oatmeal (not to mention a boat load of candy). I packed all that healthy crap yesterday, aiming to start eating like a proper human (well, I also had ramen but I'm a proper person of limited funds and imagination) and it wasn't bad... yesterday, when I could have gotten something else if I'd so chosen because I had my wallet with me. Healthy food, when it is my only option, is worse than healthy food when it is of my choosing. That's why I'm eyeballing the orange on my desk with revulsion and anger. Fucking stupid orange, all complicated to peal.I did have some of the veggies and hummus and it wasn't the worst experience in my life, but I only ate them after I'd eaten some of the candy my mother sent me. Basically, I ate the healthy crap out of guilt. Then I just continued to refill my coffee cup because I seem to think if I drink enough coffee, it will eventually be food. In reality, I just keep going to the ladies room. Fortunately, Bean just called and offered to bring me something from Target. I explained that I did have stuff I could eat and that I had just poured more coffee but she was all "I can get you those garlic spring rolls we like" and it was very much like Jen Barkley telling Leslie Knope she would buy her those waffles she liked and I totally caved. Bean even told me not to worry about the three whole dollars the lean cuisine is going to cost! How did that happen? Muffin button? Probably the muffin button.
Next Day
I had a nightmare last night about Stalker. It was the worst I've had, ever, so bad that I woke up and felt afraid. I've had nightmares like that in the past, but not involving Stalker. I haven't even seen that guy much in the last few weeks but there he was, scaring me in my dreams. I thought I was passed those days.I also dreamed that I was in a car accident again only this time it wasn't my fault.
I also told J that I was going to disappear. He texted me asking what I meant and why and I just told him I meant from his life, not Earth, and that it was too painful too stay in his life (or attempt to at any rate). He texted back "I heard that." Then I fell asleep and dreamed about Stalker and a car accident. I wonder if it just means that I have survived my worst fear and that I need to stop beating myself up about things that happen in my personal life, not take on all the blame.
J is 33 today. I feel better than I thought I would and, whilst sad, it is a low level numbness rather than the weeping grief I've been experiencing lately. I'm sure if I say "I think I'm finally through it" I'll just stumble into another wall of mourning so I'll simply say that I seem to have made progress.
Now
Now I am at work, taking a quick ten minutes to finish this post before delving back in. I've worked 22 hours so far this week and it is only Wednesday. I have much more to do and I'm learning and growing professionally in the midst of it all. Not a bad week so far, all things considered.And for some reason, I can't stop thinking about perfume and how I would like to have some. I have two old bottles, one Structure, which I've had for at least 8 years and one Joy, which BFF gave me when she moved. I don't wear either of them that often and I've wanted a new scent for years but just never seem to bring myself to it. Quite random, isn't it? Like having a food craving.
I think Joy is too old of a scent for you. But it is nice to have around because, as my mother once told me (when she gave it to ME), that it is one of the most expensive in the world. I have no idea if that is true.
ReplyDeleteI still don't know what a muffin button does.
The muffin button, the way I view it, is there for me when someone asks me how I did something and I don't actually know (that happens weirdly often). So if they say "how did you do that?" I can say "muffin button."
ReplyDeleteI remember you telling me Joy was expensive and my thinking "wow, I thought I'd have to blow a guy or do anal in order to get someone to give me perfume of any kind, not to mention the expensive kind!"
That isn't true. I remember you told me it was really expensive and I looked at you and said "good. I don't wear the cheap shit." And you didn't blink an eye. :)
I like that! I'm going to use the "muffin button" from now on. I wonder how I can incorporate that with CP? There's going to be many times where I won't know the answer to something and maybe I can reply, "muffin button". But the older she gets that probably would be a very, very bad idea.
ReplyDeleteThat is why we are BFF. :)
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
Delete"Muffin Button."