Waldo

Where have I been? If you'd asked me on Wednesday, I'd have said on a business trip in Texas. But then Thursday happened. I took a flight to Detroit, where I arrived at 6:15 EST for my 8PM flight. This flight was delayed until 10:25 when I landed, then 1:30 a.m. At 1:30 a.m. I was awoken from my place on the floor at the gate where I'd fallen asleep to find that my flight had been canceled. I was placed on a flight for 8:40 the next morning and took a shuttle to a hotel. This morning I arrived at the airport in good time to find I'd left my wallet at the hotel. To my credit, I'd had three hours of sleep at the most. I was told the shuttle driver had another run at 8 and he'd bring it. At 8:35 I called, yet again, and found that he'd come and gone without seeing me and left my wallet with a security agent. I spent a frantic few moments harassing the staff until I got my wallet back, intact (holler to the Comfort Suites staff).  I missed my morning flight but got onto a new one and so made it home.

Props go out to Hunter as well as the shuttle driver who returned my wallet. I called him in a puddle of hysterics and he was there for me on several calls telling me what I needed to do, promising that I'd get home TODAY, and not making fun of me one bit for being an idiot or being upset. Again, I'd had three hours of sleep and spent 7 hours in the Detroit airport, which does not have wi fi. Zero internet and minimal emotional stability. Hunter has traveled quite a bit in his years at our company and he is my best friend so I turned to him immediately and he did not let me down. I'm fucking lucky to have the friends I do and, as BFF said "I'm so glad Hunter took care of you." I owe him, big time.

But yes, I was actually in Texas for a business trip, arriving Sunday night. I was ridiculously nervous and terrified but it went well, me being the most professional person in the room and them treating me like some sort honored dignitary. There were some bumps but I think it was a success in a number of ways. I helped rebuild our relationship, proved that I'm serious about working with them and helping them succeed, and I proved that I am a professional and competent employee who can be trusted with resposibility.

More fun was visiting with friends. I spent some time with Hunter of course, but I also had lunch with a different IT division, chatted with a guy in yet another IT division, and did a tour of the mail room where they send out my recruitment letters. As I told my boss, I maintained my relationship across divisions because that is the best way of ensuring good customer service.

One of the best parts of the trip happened on Tuesday. Hunter flew to IL on Monday for a presentation for a potential client and, on Tuesday, he stopped by my hotel for a drink on his way back from the airport. I excused myself to use the ladies room and when I came back, the general manager of my division was there talking to him about why he was there. When that man left, Hunter looked at me and said "you know he thinks I'm fucking you, right?" As PW put it when I told her (because she knows I'm terrified of this particular GM), "that's one way of climbing the corporate ladder." Considering that all the IT folks I hung out with are men, I'm happy that the division I was there to work with is comprised of women. Reputations and all.

I arrived in Columbus at about 11:45 this morning, grabbed my bag, which had been gate checked, and took a shuttle to my car. I then drove to the vet to pick up the pig, stopped by the office to do one task, went to the grocery store for some food, and came home. Tomorrow I am going to the gun range with Upstairs Kid. I look forward to the stress relief of shooting Clyde as well as the time away from work (because otherwise, I'd totally be working). He's picking up a pistol he bought, his Bonnie, and we'll get to shoot that as well. Everyone I know who knows I have this appointment is very happy indeed as it is my being social and getting out of the house. I almost canceled due to my flight arrangements, but knew it was something I really needed to do. See, it isn't all work with me!

So now I'm drinking some beer and watching "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" for the fifth time, courtesy of Red Box. Not a bad end to my day.

Melt the world with you

You know what gets old fast? Not having power. We are on day 6 of "Will she spontaneously combust or just melt" and cheese and rice am I over it. Yesterday, the 4th of July, was the worst so far (with meteorologists predicting it to get even worse today through Saturday). It was too hot to do anything but just lay around, alternating between the sofa and the bed, a cold wet pillow case draped across the forehead. I couldn't even cry I was too pathetic and tired and hot. I did mentally shake my fist at the sky whilst silently bartering with the world, though. If I get my power back I swear, I'll be neater/tidier. I'll be more organized. I'll do more for charity. I'll, I'll, I'll. I promised a lot to mother nature and the gods of AEP but nothing doing.

And how irritating is it that when you are going through something, the world news totally ignores you? Every story I read has to do with the Mid Atlantic and their loss of power; nothing about Ohio unless you read the locals. I wonder if the people in the Mid Atlantic only find stories about the Mid West when looking for information on their outage. People are hot, people are angry, let's fuck with the media to really stir the pot! That is how miserable it is just now; my brain is melting into a conspiracy theory candle.

And miserable is how I am. Hunter told me to have a Happy 4th of July on Tuesday and I swear to god, you'd have thought he'd told me to go fuck my mother the way I snapped at him. I charge my laptops and phone at work so that I have some internet when I get home and there was his email, wishing me a happy fourth. I got super pissed and told him to get fucked because he knew I didn't have power and he knew it was hot as balls and he knew life was awful and all the care bears in the world had exploded. Teach that mother fucker to say anything kind to me. "Have a Happy 4th, Simply!" "Get fucked you selfish asshole, Hunter!"

Poor guy. I wonder if I was that bad with J? Granted, this is my first experience living through a sweltering summer without electricity (I found one more item in the fridge to throw out and I am not exaggerating when I say that I almost vomited - twice - from the smell of it) so I'm a bit on edge. Sleep is all but impossible, with multiple wakings throughout the night, soak covered wakings, bringing nothing but a vague depression because seriously-it-is-too-fucking-hot-to-even-sleep-how-is-this-fair?????? So I like to think I wouldn't necessarily have bitten Hunter's head off if not for circumstances. I should have a sign around my neck reading "approach with caution".

Here's hoping the mother fuckers at the electric company get my power up and running soon. I know they aren't mother fuckers and that they are doing their best and working very hard but it is very demoralizing to have EVERYTHING up and running around you and no power in your own home. And if I have power when I get home today, I promise I will be better about recycling.

Holy Power Outage

Do you remember Hurricane Ike? He hit the Gulf Coast in 2008* and triggered a wind storm in Central Ohio that knocked my power out for a full week. J and I were living close to the university, in the apartment I just vacated, and we dealt with cold showers and no power for seven days. But it was September and the weather was, thankfully, mild. We pulled through and celebrated with hugs and shouts of joy when the power was finally restored.

Fast forward to June 29, 2012 when a violent storm - one deemed worse than a hurricane based on the speed of the winds - ripped through the Midwest and knocked out power for 1million in Ohio alone. Our governor has declared a state of emergency due to the power outage and the fact that we are currently steeped in weather that can only be described as 'hot as balls'. The temperature has been in the 90's with a heat index in the 100's. My area isn't like Kansas, thank fuck, with the 118 actual degrees, but still, it's pretty sweltering. And according to the electric company's website, I won't have power back until July 8 - and that is just an estimate.

So far so good. Johan is OK as the living room isn't too bad yet and I know I can most likely board him if necessary. I just lay on my bed, sweating into the sheets, reading. I finished I Couldn't Love You More by Jillian Medoff in two days and just began Gone Girl last night. And that's all I do. I lay and read because there isn't anything to do. Well, that isn't exactly true. On Saturday I ventured out because Johan was out of hay. After finding a gas station that was actually up and running, I drove all over creation (OK, OK, I just drove down 23 but I did stop at several stores only to find they were closed) and found an open grocery and an open Pet Co. Johan got bedding, veggies, and hay. I got goldfish crackers and beer.

I have internet from time to time but my laptop was on its last legs. So this morning (Sunday) I drove to the office to power up. Only the idiots who gave me my new access card didn't give me the right level of access so I almost didn't get in. Then the cleaning staff arrived to save the day and here I am, on my office computer with my cell phone charging and two laptops plugged in. I'm doing actual work and everything, just to feel like I'm doing something dammit. But I don't know how long I'll stay. I worry about Johan and what I'll do if it he gets too hot. How will I know? I worry about the fact that I'm stupid and I bought two bags of goldfish and one box of fruit roll ups and thought "OK, I'm good". I'm worried because the cleaning people told me that my area would be the last to get taken care of if it was like it was back during the ice storm of 2005 (I thanked them for their pessimism and asked them to cross their fingers for me anyway).

I think worry is the wrong word. Pissy is a better word. I'm pissy because I don't have electricity and "why is my area always the one that has to go the longest without" runs through my head from time to time. Other times, like when I listen to the radio in my car with its lovely fixed AC, I think about how much I don't envy the AEP workers who are taking shit from all sides because "work faster you sons of bitches" and "why the hell are our power lines still above ground you idiots?" And I have to believe they are doing the best they can the fastest they can and it's just my bad luck that I end up in areas that get taken care of later than others; and I remind myself that I'm not in a single home in the middle of a forest but surrounded by individuals and families who are also without power.

It's inconvenient and damned uncomfortable but there are things to remember. I wasn't on the highway when the storm tore through. Neither my car nor my building suffered any damage. I have hot water this time. The weather isn't quite as bad as we thought it was going to be (though it is still, as I said above, hot as balls). Still, I have that little pouty attitude of "it's not fair" because my power is most likely going to be out for over a week this time and I thought I lived in a schmancier area that would be taken care of quickly.

But what can you do? At least my electric bill will be lower next month.

*I had to look it up so I'm pretty sure Ike was in 2008 and I think it hit the Gulf Coast but this is a silly blog by a silly girl and not, you know, hard hitting news.

50 Shades of Suck

Caving, once again, to cultural zeitgeist*, I borrowed Fifty Shades of Grey from the library to see what all the to do was about. I knew it had started as Twilight fan fiction and that it had some really erotic aspects to it; and that's about it. You may recall that the last time I caved and read something based on popularity was Hunger Games, which was a real pleasure and so a successful endeavor. I wish I could say the same again.

I'm on page 207 of 514 and honestly don't know if I'll finish the entire book. It's a quick read, admittedly, but a terrible one. My main issues, thus far, are:

• Poor, heavy handed writing. I get it, OK? Anastasia Steele finds Christian super hot and she is nervous around him. I get that she is naive and innocent and clumsy and shy. I don't need to continual references to these things because I haven't forgotten.
• I guess we can consider it pay back for all the time American authors have totally gotten other countries wrong but still, EL James sets her novel in the Pacific Northwest and doesn't bother to attempt to get her characters to speak like true Americans. Throwing in current band names does not make me automatically suspend my disbelief. 
• The protagonist's use of the word "crap" is gratuitous and obnoxious.
• So is her constant references to her "inner goddess".
• Actually, there is nothing I like about the protagonist. 
• Or her roommate. 
• What's with the Hispanic-American best friend named, of course, Jose? 
• I really can't believe that someone's first sexual experience would be that good and without more pain and awkwardness... but OK, this is a "romance" novel so I guess that's how we roll in romance land.

So yeah, not really feeling this book and am kind of hoping that Christian Grey anal fists Anastasia Steele because I can't stand her. I will say that I've enjoyed reading the negative reviews on Amazon though. And part of me feels compelled to power through just because I have that thing where I feel like I can't quit reading a book if I've gotten so far through it. Weird, I know, but I think many of us are like that.  So I guess that is a positive thing I can say for Fifty Shades, it isn't so unreadable that I feel OK just quitting on it.

*I know, I know, I really need to stop saying "cultural zeitgeist". That was my last one, promise.

This morning has been a weird cluster of FAIL. I needed to get quarters for laundry and my usual grocery store has been out of quarters for ages so I had to drive to a different one. I went to the customer service area and found a sign that said they were closed and would reopen at 8 a.m. Uhm, it was after 8... but of course I second guessed myself and stood there like a moron and dug out my phone to double check. I was going to ask a cashier for help when the chick who was meant to be manning the desk apologized and came to help me. Still, nothing like assuming I'm the idiot. 

I knew the pet store wouldn't be open until 9 so I took my time about driving to a different shopping center to pass time. When I did get there, I pulled on the doors to find it was still closed. The sign said "9-7 on Sunday" under hours and I thought "uhm, it is 9, isn't it?" Yep. It was 9:08. So I walked to Target to buy a belt and some juice because I was thirsty and my pants were falling down and I've needed a belt for months. 

You are enthralled by this aren't you?

So I go back to the pet store and see that the Sunday hours say "10-7 on Sunday." I have spent the last two hours wondering if someone changed it or if I'd gotten it wrong. I really wish I'd taken a picture when they were closed so I'd know for sure but it's also kind of fun to have the alternate possibility, slack employees changing the sign so they can open an hour later. Annoying too, of course, as it means I have to go back out for bedding. So I'm reading my terrible book and procrastinating because I feel like the minute I get back from the pet store I'll have to stop putting off my laundry. 

Hmm, maybe Christian's worked a few knuckles up Ana's ass by now.  

Mother Nature's Bitch

Remember that time I decided I should try to curb my swearing and I tried for about two days because someone asked me how it was going and I said something like "fuck, dude, I don't fucking know" and realized that I really didn't? And remember how I then said "fuck it" and decided I wasn't going to work on that anymore? Well that was fine and let's face it, I'm never going to clean up my language. Why add the pressure to myself? The important thing is that I'm aware of it and I do actually curb myself when necessary (at client meetings, when talking to someone high up in the company that I don't really know, etc). What I didn't realize is that I evidently subconsciously do things to prevent swearing in those situations. I realized that this morning when I left super early to get to my meeting down town. Granted, I tend to leave early to allow time for getting lost, but I also realized that part of the reason I try to ensure I'm early for things is because being late frustrates me and when I'm frustrated, I tend to express it with a nice tide of swearing.

OK, here's an example. The first time Hunter and I went to lunch together, I didn't really know him that well. All I knew was that he was higher up in the company and that he was from one of the corporate offices. Well, obviously I knew that he was nice and I enjoyed talking to him or else why the fuck would I go to lunch with the guy? That isn't the point, the point is, I knew kind of little about him. So, when we were going to lunch, I drove because I like driving, I'm kind of bad with directions because I'm not visual, and because he was buying lunch and if you're buying me lunch and I'm not blowing you in return, the least I can do is drive*. So, I'm driving, we've established that. We were also talking about something and I don't recall what but I do know that I realized I had missed a turn and that frustrated me so I said something very similar to the following "shit. Fuck, I missed the turn because I was talking and not paying attention. Mother fucker. Hang on, I have to find place to turn the fuck around."

When we got to the restaurant Hunter looked at me and said "well, now I know something about you. You swear like a sailor." Because when I swear impulsively, I'm not giving you hells and damns, I'm saying shit, fuck, cunt, mother fucker, and whatever horrible word is in there dancing around dying to be let out. Obviously he wasn't offended and didn't think less of me or anything like that as we are still really great friends and hung out this week and all of that. But who the fuck just lets loose with "mother fucker" and "shit" in the presence of someone who can be described as a corporate** vice president of the company you work for? Talk about lacking a filter. Hunter could have gone to my boss, asking him to speak with me about my language and then PW would be mentoring me and I'd feel like a chastened child.

The point is, I swear when frustrated. And it takes me a long time to say that, apparently.

The meeting downtown was fine by the way, though my getting their was pretty hysterical. Remember how my boss told me I had to look better than just my usual "I don't look too much like ass today"? Well, I did as requested and put on black trousers (the ones that always want to fall down) and black heals. I also just decided that today was going to be a fine, balmy day, so I threw on a denim jacket and grabbed my things and left the house. It was a little nippy out but no big deal and so I stopped at McDonalds for a large diet Coke to suck down on my way downtown. I get to the parking garage and that's all fine and well and I grab my stuff and start heading out. I had printed out directions that I'd had emailed to me and I clutched them like a fucking treasure map. They referenced a pedestrian foot path and my tiny little brain read "pedestrian tunnel crossing" so I walked around the garage looking for this tunnel*** before going down the stairs and outside onto the street thinking "fine, whatev, I'll just cross the street like a commoner and worry about this mythical bridge later." As soon as I crossed the street I realized it was not only frigid outside, but windy as hell. The entire time I was walking it was like I was in a wind tunnel, like mother nature thought "fuck you, Cat, you think you can decide how I'm going to be? Take this, bitch". And remember, I'm wearing pants that are loose so I'm walking, clutching my directions, holding onto my briefcase, and continually yanking up my pants. I'm also wearing heals and walking into the wind so I'm think "fuck, please don't let me fall" because I have a history of doing so in public.

But whatever, I got to the building and was in plenty of time for the meeting so it was all fine and dandy. Still, I walked in and thought "why do they let me out without some sort of attendant?" And when the meeting was over and I headed back for my car, I realized that if I'd known where this place was, I could have made a beeline for it instead of walking all the way around this park/courtyard area and taking extra time being face raped by the wind.  

All in all, good start to a Friday, wouldn't you say?(I forgot my footnotes!)

*No, if you insist on buying lunch and driving, this does NOT mean I'm automatically going to blow you.
**Just threw that in there because it irritates him when people refer to him as Corporate. He is though. I work for a division and he works for the corporate parent company. 
***To my credit, there once was a tunnel bridge thing there. It led from the parking garage to what was called "City Center", this weird little mall. I never took it because I didn't know where the entrance was but it did exist at one time. You'd think the fact that the City Center is gone and replaced with a park would give me a clue as the non-existance of the bridge.

Whiz Bang

Today started out splendidly. I woke up early and got out of bed (well, off the couch as it were) by 6:30. I was packed for work and so decided to drink coffee and read the news until 7, when I got ready for work. Being up early, I took time with my appearance for a change, thinking about the outfit and even putting on makeup as I had a networking event scheduled this evening. I set off at about 7:40 and was feeling pretty optimistic.

Then I somehow managed to forget that the oncoming traffic had two lanes and so I tried to make a left turn and got hit by a car. Here, this is how it happened.

The accident was, obviously, scary. After all, someone smashed into the back of my car and I didn't know what was going to happen. Fortunately, I was fine as were the driver and passenger of the other car. The driver wanted to be mean to me at first, I could tell with his approach, but I was so helpful and forthcoming and deferential (I was shaking and just wanted it over with) that he ended up being nice to me. He was even nicer once I started crying uncontrollably whilst also apologizing for crying uncontrollably.

Nothing like a car accident to fuck up your day, especially when you are at fault. Unfortunately, he insisted on calling the police and I am incapable of lying to the police so I didn't try to say that I had the green arrow (if I had, no one would have gotten a ticket... but I didn't say that so I got a ticket) and received a citation that will cost me $126. That is one hundred twenty six more dollars than I can afford. And my car is banged up enough that I had to take it to a shop. I won't have any body work done but I need to have something or other fixed so that I don't end up in a worse situation on the highway. That will cost me many more dollars than I can afford as well.

But it is over for now. I've dealt with the insurance people (my car isn't a very good one so I only have liability) and I followed up with the other driver to ingratiate myself and to thank him for not being a total lunatic. Even though he seemed like he wanted to be mad, I appreciated his holding back and being calm and courteous in the end. The cop was super nice too. I think he felt really bad for me just because I couldn't stop crying.

I'll be working from home until I get my car back though I took personal time today, just because I couldn't focus on anything really. I'm extremely fortunate to have the ability to work from home even though I don't like doing it very often because there is no one to talk to or gossip with and the pig yells at me all day. But I'm grateful for the ability and will take full advantage of it.

The best thing to come out of this was that I finally made myself a Side Car utilizing this recipe from one of my favorite blogs. These are just as delightful as Her Laundress states and they certainly did the trick when I needed fortification. It is my new signature drink, replacing the Singapore Sling, and I plan on ordering it every place I go since I actually know how to make it. I looked up the measurements and it looks to be roughly 1 1/2 oz brandy, 3/4 oz Triple Sec, and 3/4 oz fresh lemon juice. Try it, seriously. Don't like brandy? Hardly noticeable (and I like brandy), at least if you use the kind I am, which turns out to be diluted.

Drive safely, children. You never know what idiot is on the road with you forgetting how many lanes there are.

I Could Have Been a Star

My Days in Bits

Tuesday

Part One

Work.

Return phone calls.

Make phone calls.

Return emails.

Send emails.

Volunteer at company car wash.

Get frustrated at company car wash's lack of organization.

Fume as continue volunteering.

Greet end of shift with miserable glee.

Part Two

Stop at gas station upon leaving car wash.

Realize have left wallet at home.

White knuckle it during the drive home.

Sit on sofa.

Get yelled at by guinea pig.

Grab wallet, hit up gas station, go to pet store.

Come home and clean up guinea pig’s cage.

Part Three

Take shower.

Receive email from upstairs neighbor apologizing if his knocking disturbed me at that hour (10:30)

Go up to upstairs neighbor’s apartment.

Return to own apartment with upstairs neighbor.

Proceed to chat with neighbor about chemistry, military, debt crisis, and healthcare.

Go to bed (after wishing neighbor good night, not with neighbor)

Toss

Turn

Give up and read

Eventually fall asleep but not until body has made it clear that I’m fucked with regards to this sleep thing again.

Wednesday (Today)

Part One

Wake up before alarm with weird ear/head pain

Attempt to make ear/head feel better with rearrangement of pillows

Hit snooze.

Give up, get up, grab computer and make sure this pain is not symptomatic of MS.

Throw hay at guinea pig.

Eat breakfast.

Ablutions.

Grab bag and head out.

Stop at library to return book.

Stop at bank to withdraw cash.

Realize when half way to work that have forgotten to pack anything for lunch.

Drive by the office.

Stop at Kroger.

Buy something for lunch, soda, and gummy worms.

To be continued…

Not the smart one in the family

I just choked on my V8 V-fusion. Remember last time I choked on my own saliva? That was less than three months ago! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? At least this time I was able to somewhat control it and not continue barking like a seal and sucking in like a broken vacuum cleaner. Of course, the V8 is now burning my nose and throat and I felt like I'd suffered a hot flash, but at least the GM of the company didn't come loom over my cube wall and make sure I was OK. This time the VP looked in on his way down the hall.

I'm going to chalk it up to nerves. This meeting is getting ever closer and I need to get the agenda out to head mukky muck and I have no idea where it stands. I did ask EA if she could bring it up at the Super Important People (SIP) meeting this morning and let them know I needed to send it by 1PM but I haven't heard since and she is sequestered in her office. What's worse is that my boss still shows no signs of any concern. The people coming are a big deal and we need to treat them as such but Boss doesn't seem to care. Of course, Boss is the kind of guy who shows up late to every meeting just to appear busy and important. Maybe I should just let it go and let the cards fall where they may. After all, head mukky muck's assistant knows how hard I've been trying to get this together as I've been coordinating things with her. And EA knows that I'm working on it. Still, if Boss fails doesn't that mean Boss's assistant fails. Blerg.

In other news, my brother obtained his doctorate of education recently. Actually, I think the graduation is tomorrow. J and I received an invitation, which was nice but 2,500 miles is a bit far to travel. So I wrote a check instead. Then I had to call our mother to make sure I had his name right. Shut up, it isn't like that. When we were kids, my brother always went by his middle name. As an adult, he seems to have begun going by the first initial of his first name and his middle name. That isn't clear. OK, let's say a dude by the name of John Paul Jones always went by Paul but then started going by J. Paul Jones. That's what my brother does now. Only I didn't know if he'd legally changed it to that or not and I'm too stupid to remember where I put the invitation with the name written out. So I called my mom on mother's day and essentially asked "what's Paul's name?" I'm sure she was really proud at that moment.

And I'll leave you with this picture I drew earlier to relieve some of my stress. It didn't work.