The Image Is Title Enough

Arizona Lessons Learned Thus Far

Not Your Home

When traveling from OH to AZ where you will end up staying up late and drinking multiple beers, it is well to think about where you are when you wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. This extra time will remind you that you are NOT in your own apartment and so you will be more likely to NOT walk, mouth first, smack into the dresser your mother has in the hallway.

Because that is what I did. Arizona is three hours behind Ohio right now because they don't do that silly daylight saving thing. So I got up at 6:30 to work, then took Johan to the vet and myself to the airport. Got to Arizona at about 3PM EST and to my mother's home at about 4PM where I immediately set about going back to work so as not to have to use all of my PTO. I had two glasses of rancid white wine before pouring out the bottle, and then returned to work. 

At 11:30 EST, my mom, her neighbor Kara, and I went to the local bar where I had three tall beers. A good time was had by all and we were probably there for a good 90 minutes. I ended up going to sleep at 2:30AM EST. Woke up in the middle of the night to pee, forgot where I was, and slammed my face and arm into my mother's dresser. Fortunately, there is no lasting damage, just a sort lip. But still. 

Temperature is Relative

After getting up at 6AM Arizona time and putting in 4 or 5 hours of work, having had nothing but a few pieces of cheese, two cups of coffee, and two diet sodas, I decided to check the weather. 86, real feel 89. Not bad. so I put on my jogging gear and head out. Perfect way to spend a lunch break, yeah? So what if I had a couple of beers last night and haven't really hydrated much? I'll drink a little water before I go. And hey, I ran for the first time in ages on Monday and did four intervals of walk 4 min run 4 min and that was after lord knows how much time off. I've totally got this.

You know what Arizona doesn't have a lot of? Especially Southwest Arizona? Clouds. Not a lot of clouds and not a lot of lush trees lining residential streets. That is to say, SHADE. So when one reads 86 real feel 89 in Arizona, even with it's low humidity, it should still be read as roughly 100 degrees cooler than the center of the sun. And downing half a bottle of water right before you head out isn't going to help.

If you are like me, this is what is going to happen:  You'll start off pretty strong, doing your warm up walk, bobbing your head to the music and feeling your ponytail swish around. Then you'll run that first four minute interval. Coming out of that, you're still feeling pretty good but you notice that you are suddenly parched like you've never even heard of water and somehow your lips have completely dried out. But no biggie, you can handle that. So you walk 4 minutes and then go into your second 4 minutes of your slow jog. Once completed, you'll realize that you are in trouble and that you need to get back to your mother's house. You aren't going to quit, but you are going to get a bottle of water to carry with you as you continue.

At this point you will realize that you are lost in your mother's neighborhood where everything looks alike. You will also suddenly notice the little lizards darting all about. You'll check your pulse using your cardio watch and see that it is 183 after you are done running and never drops below 139. You'll also notice that the metal sensor has heated up quite nicely.

You'll start eyeing the hoses that are laying in front of people's houses at this point.

Eventually you will, indeed, find your mother's house, grab the water, and then head out. You'll run your third and final interval of 4 minutes, walk 4 minutes, do a 5 minute cool down walk (all the while wondering how you got to be so stupid) and then return to your mother's house where your Ammy and her aide will make fun of you. 

I am clearly not one of Darwin's proudest examples of natural selection and evolution. 

Mother Nature's Bitch

Remember that time I decided I should try to curb my swearing and I tried for about two days because someone asked me how it was going and I said something like "fuck, dude, I don't fucking know" and realized that I really didn't? And remember how I then said "fuck it" and decided I wasn't going to work on that anymore? Well that was fine and let's face it, I'm never going to clean up my language. Why add the pressure to myself? The important thing is that I'm aware of it and I do actually curb myself when necessary (at client meetings, when talking to someone high up in the company that I don't really know, etc). What I didn't realize is that I evidently subconsciously do things to prevent swearing in those situations. I realized that this morning when I left super early to get to my meeting down town. Granted, I tend to leave early to allow time for getting lost, but I also realized that part of the reason I try to ensure I'm early for things is because being late frustrates me and when I'm frustrated, I tend to express it with a nice tide of swearing.

OK, here's an example. The first time Hunter and I went to lunch together, I didn't really know him that well. All I knew was that he was higher up in the company and that he was from one of the corporate offices. Well, obviously I knew that he was nice and I enjoyed talking to him or else why the fuck would I go to lunch with the guy? That isn't the point, the point is, I knew kind of little about him. So, when we were going to lunch, I drove because I like driving, I'm kind of bad with directions because I'm not visual, and because he was buying lunch and if you're buying me lunch and I'm not blowing you in return, the least I can do is drive*. So, I'm driving, we've established that. We were also talking about something and I don't recall what but I do know that I realized I had missed a turn and that frustrated me so I said something very similar to the following "shit. Fuck, I missed the turn because I was talking and not paying attention. Mother fucker. Hang on, I have to find place to turn the fuck around."

When we got to the restaurant Hunter looked at me and said "well, now I know something about you. You swear like a sailor." Because when I swear impulsively, I'm not giving you hells and damns, I'm saying shit, fuck, cunt, mother fucker, and whatever horrible word is in there dancing around dying to be let out. Obviously he wasn't offended and didn't think less of me or anything like that as we are still really great friends and hung out this week and all of that. But who the fuck just lets loose with "mother fucker" and "shit" in the presence of someone who can be described as a corporate** vice president of the company you work for? Talk about lacking a filter. Hunter could have gone to my boss, asking him to speak with me about my language and then PW would be mentoring me and I'd feel like a chastened child.

The point is, I swear when frustrated. And it takes me a long time to say that, apparently.

The meeting downtown was fine by the way, though my getting their was pretty hysterical. Remember how my boss told me I had to look better than just my usual "I don't look too much like ass today"? Well, I did as requested and put on black trousers (the ones that always want to fall down) and black heals. I also just decided that today was going to be a fine, balmy day, so I threw on a denim jacket and grabbed my things and left the house. It was a little nippy out but no big deal and so I stopped at McDonalds for a large diet Coke to suck down on my way downtown. I get to the parking garage and that's all fine and well and I grab my stuff and start heading out. I had printed out directions that I'd had emailed to me and I clutched them like a fucking treasure map. They referenced a pedestrian foot path and my tiny little brain read "pedestrian tunnel crossing" so I walked around the garage looking for this tunnel*** before going down the stairs and outside onto the street thinking "fine, whatev, I'll just cross the street like a commoner and worry about this mythical bridge later." As soon as I crossed the street I realized it was not only frigid outside, but windy as hell. The entire time I was walking it was like I was in a wind tunnel, like mother nature thought "fuck you, Cat, you think you can decide how I'm going to be? Take this, bitch". And remember, I'm wearing pants that are loose so I'm walking, clutching my directions, holding onto my briefcase, and continually yanking up my pants. I'm also wearing heals and walking into the wind so I'm think "fuck, please don't let me fall" because I have a history of doing so in public.

But whatever, I got to the building and was in plenty of time for the meeting so it was all fine and dandy. Still, I walked in and thought "why do they let me out without some sort of attendant?" And when the meeting was over and I headed back for my car, I realized that if I'd known where this place was, I could have made a beeline for it instead of walking all the way around this park/courtyard area and taking extra time being face raped by the wind.  

All in all, good start to a Friday, wouldn't you say?(I forgot my footnotes!)

*No, if you insist on buying lunch and driving, this does NOT mean I'm automatically going to blow you.
**Just threw that in there because it irritates him when people refer to him as Corporate. He is though. I work for a division and he works for the corporate parent company. 
***To my credit, there once was a tunnel bridge thing there. It led from the parking garage to what was called "City Center", this weird little mall. I never took it because I didn't know where the entrance was but it did exist at one time. You'd think the fact that the City Center is gone and replaced with a park would give me a clue as the non-existance of the bridge.

And it is only stupid Tuesday

That is how I feel today. Yeah, I guess that makes a load of sense, huh? Yellow makes that picture feel uncomfortable (well, it does if you are me and you are a synesthete) and in my head I just keep thinking "dude.... what the fuck."

Yes lady and gentleman (I'm being kind and assuming I have two readers), I fell off the wagon last night and am still just walking beside it today. Stupid fucking sugar detox. Stupid fucking friend, KR, who is all healthy and inspiring and good at this shit. I had wine last night. Lots of it. I was supposed to just have 'some' because I have to run today but nope, I decided I'd have lots and not really eat much. Cause I'm smart. So I'm hungover today and treating said hangover with M&Ms and Sun Chips (three little bags). I am also drinking lots of water though, so I'm not a total fuck up.

I do like that the extent of my fucking up is pretty minimal. A little bit of candy, some chips, oh, and soda. Oh my god! Soda!!! How I missed my diet Coke. I think I told three people and the vending machine "I'm going to drink the fuck out of my diet Coke" and I did! It was glorious and I am filled with effervescent happiness just reminiscing about it. But yeah, I didn't have Chinese food or pizza and I didn't just sit and eat an entire cake on my own or anything. Really, the damage is minimal (or else I'm just talking myself out of feeling uber guilty).

I'm not taking this whole day off mind you. If the chips and M&Ms don't help, I'm just going back to the protein and nuts and unhappiness that I've been hanging out with for the past week (heh, nuts). And I'm still going to the gym, if only to punish myself by making myself run and sweat out the alcohol and feel awful. I couldn't run yesterday because I fucked up my shot on Sunday night and hit something and so had a very painful thigh. I did core work instead and discovered that my hip doesn't work right. Seriously, there are certain moves I can no longer do because it feels like my hip is going to come out of its socket. I've had this feeling before, whilst climbing a rock wall in college (oh those glorious days when I was healthy and thin!) and when I tried to be on top for sex (yeah, weird and random, right? I've not been on top in years and I don't really do blow jobs so I am the most spoiled sexual partner of all time). But not being able to exercise is a new one and I wonder if it has to do with running. Lousy body. I bet it wants calcium or something. There's calcium in prenatal vitamins, right?

So, yeah, that's where I am today. As I emailed my best friend, "being at work not hungover is awesome. I am at work and I'm hungover. " She jumped off the wagon last night in her own way. She also provided me with some of the best comments ever and I'll leave you with them to brighten you day:

Via text that came out of the blue:
"Soooo. Got so drunk last night that I peed the bed. A lot."

Email conversation:

ME: "So are you going to Taco Shack tonight?"

HER: "Hells yeah we're going to taco shack! I'm going to mow down on some yummy tacos and then  later tonight I'm going to give up my taco to him. That should make him feel better and be less mad at me."  

And that, that right there, is why she is my best friend.

And in case you were wondering, yes, she did give up her taco. I totally asked. Oh, and I think Taco Shack is actually the name of the restaurant.

If it gets you through the (shitty) day

Yesterday I did something awful. I used one person to hurt another as revenge for their having hurt me. It was one of the meanest things I've ever done in my life and I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. Today has been difficult to say the least. It may get better and it may not. I have to wait and see, my favorite game. I've apologized to both parties but I still just shudder when I think about what a complete and utter cunt muffin I was.

Fortunately, however, I've had some fun distractions to help get me through my nine hours of having-to-be-at-work-and-upset-hell. And it is all because of a silent auction charity thing my office is doing (yes, the very kind that I bitched about in my last post) and because I wore a t-shirt with this slogan:

 

This was bought for me, incidentally, by the friend that I hurt. How poetic, I suppose. At any rate, here is the best conversation I've had all day, using instant messenger (note: I am probably the only one on the planet that thinks this is funny, but hey, you have to do what you have to do). Thanks office charity group! Thanks friend that hurt me and who I then hurt worse! 

Me: When they announce the winners of the silent auction items, people are going to clap. People are going to be applauded for buying things.

Work Colleague: I feel like you’re making a point here but I don’t know what it is.

Me: I just thought about it and thought it was weird.  I think I’m one of the winners though.

WC: You should have put your sarcasm shirt in the auction and auctioned off sarcasm and “other services.”

Me: Unsolicited Snark and Sass

WC: That would be a good name for your bookstore. In my mind, you own a bookstore.

Me: Neat! Do I have a successful one? You can have a flower shop.

WC:  With a name like ‘snark and sass’ how could it not?

Me: Just books though, no music section. Fuck music, we read here!

WC is no longer available

dedicated to UT and DJ, with heartfelt apologies with none of my sarcasm