One More Step

Yes, somehow I still have internet. Fingers crossed it lasts.

I'm pretty much moved in, just a few more things to unpack and put away, but things are liveable. I like my new place, like the space and the age (16 years as opposed to 60+ which is what I'm used to), I have a dishwasher and central air. The parking sucks but that's fine. I don't know anybody here and that is equally fine; I think I like the anonymity.

It was a stressful few days and today was surprisingly emotional. J and I met at my office to sign the dissolution paperwork in the presence of a notary. We were emotional and then we just sat and chatted for a bit. "I just want to sit here for six hours and bullshit with you" he said. We made one another laugh a lot, often to stem tears. I then drove him to my new place to show him around. Before we left he told me he is going to start trying to meet new women. I was overjoyed and told him that I hoped he'd meet someone, that someone would be nice to him and would love him, that I really hope he ends up in a happy relationship. He asked me "don't you want to be in a relationship?" I answered, honestly, that I hope to avoid that in my future. "I can handle being hurt, that's fine. But I don't think I can handle hurting someone else again."

I brought him back to the office and got out of my car to hug him. We held on for a long time and I started crying, sobbing. He rubbed my back and said "it's OK, honey, it's OK." I pulled away and told him that I'd finally started referring to him as my ex-husband and that he'd have to start calling me his ex-wife. We hugged again and we both cried. I told him I'd always be here for him should he ever need me and he assured me of the same. Finally, we parted and I told him I had to go before someone from my office walked out and found me having a life altering moment in the parking lot. I started weeping as I walked to my car and it took me a minute to collect myself before I was able to drive away.

I wasn't expecting this. I think we were both relieved that there was no hate or animosity. No, this divorce isn't contentious, but it is incredibly sad and heartbreaking and it just continues on and on. I don't think J realizes that we'll have to go one last time, together, to make things official. But then, that is one of the reasons we married in the first place, after all, to make it more difficult to separate. We are good when we try, J and I.

I'll always love him and I think he'll always love me.

(Non Side) Car

I got my car back today! It cost me a bundle but I got it back! The guy at the shop informed me that the main issue was was the "back knuckle", which everything is connected to (shocks, struts, brakes, everything) and he couldn't believe that I'd driven it to the shop in that condition. In fact, he told me that he'd never seen a rear knuckle smashed clean through and that when they raised the car, the wheel almost broke clean off. He's been in the game for 20 years and kept the part just because he'd never seen it before. "Glad fucking up my life has at least impressed somebody!" I told him, with good humor, that I was going to be selling my stuff in order to make up for this colossal error, and he let me know that the struts had a life time warranty so, for as long as I drive my car, I'm covered on them. I replied that I plan on driving my little car for as long as I can, that it has only 84,000 miles on it despite being 12 years old and that it is well maintained. "I saw that. You can tell when a car is kept in good shape," he said. "Whenever I bring it in for maintenance I'm told I take good care of it. I don't, you guys do, I just bring it in when I'm supposed to" was my rejoinder.

Poor little car. It rides perfectly but there is fiberglass missing. I drive a 2000 Saturn SL1, a car that they don't make any longer since Saturn went out of business about three years ago. It isn't anything special to look at, and, if you've driven something substantial like J's Impala, it feels like a toy car filled with pipe cleaners, balsa wood, and hope, but I love it and have always planned to drive it forever because I have zero interest in having a car payment.

That was the joy of my day. A woman at work picked me up this morning and was willing to give me rides for as long as I needed. Both she and my boss offered to take me or lend me their vehicles when I was opining how odd it was to be without my car because I had those thoughts of "oh, I'll just run to the bank quickly" or "I'm going to put these boxes in my car" only to remember "no, no I won't, I don't have a car." It was supremely kind of this woman, especially, because she doesn't know me that well and she even offered to lend me her extra car (I was going to but then realized, yeah, I can't risk the liability). The kindness of mid western people still shocks and delights me.

As pleased as I was to get my car back, I think the real shock of it all hit me this evening because I was suddenly very weak and tired. This isn't a terrible thing, just something that is most likely natural and I'm glad of it because I have a feeling I'll sleep well and wake refreshed. I have a long road ahead of me and I still get a bit weepy, but I'm slowly moving from that terrible fear to my old resourceful self that just says "buck up, buttercup. You'll get through this and you'll be fine, as you always are." I am pleased, as I always am, with my resilience. Yes, I did something stupid like make a terrible mistake in traffic, and I am presently royally fucked, but I still have that sense that has been with me for ages, that I'll end up OK.

What else, after all, can I be? I'm not one to sink, but one to swim and whilst I am a poor swimmer in reality (lower body of a Viking, upper body of a poet), I'm also fairly tenacious and always resurface, no matter how strong the current. There is just too much to enjoy in this damned world for me to allow myself to be defeated by something like financial strain or inconvenience.

Whiz Bang

Today started out splendidly. I woke up early and got out of bed (well, off the couch as it were) by 6:30. I was packed for work and so decided to drink coffee and read the news until 7, when I got ready for work. Being up early, I took time with my appearance for a change, thinking about the outfit and even putting on makeup as I had a networking event scheduled this evening. I set off at about 7:40 and was feeling pretty optimistic.

Then I somehow managed to forget that the oncoming traffic had two lanes and so I tried to make a left turn and got hit by a car. Here, this is how it happened.

The accident was, obviously, scary. After all, someone smashed into the back of my car and I didn't know what was going to happen. Fortunately, I was fine as were the driver and passenger of the other car. The driver wanted to be mean to me at first, I could tell with his approach, but I was so helpful and forthcoming and deferential (I was shaking and just wanted it over with) that he ended up being nice to me. He was even nicer once I started crying uncontrollably whilst also apologizing for crying uncontrollably.

Nothing like a car accident to fuck up your day, especially when you are at fault. Unfortunately, he insisted on calling the police and I am incapable of lying to the police so I didn't try to say that I had the green arrow (if I had, no one would have gotten a ticket... but I didn't say that so I got a ticket) and received a citation that will cost me $126. That is one hundred twenty six more dollars than I can afford. And my car is banged up enough that I had to take it to a shop. I won't have any body work done but I need to have something or other fixed so that I don't end up in a worse situation on the highway. That will cost me many more dollars than I can afford as well.

But it is over for now. I've dealt with the insurance people (my car isn't a very good one so I only have liability) and I followed up with the other driver to ingratiate myself and to thank him for not being a total lunatic. Even though he seemed like he wanted to be mad, I appreciated his holding back and being calm and courteous in the end. The cop was super nice too. I think he felt really bad for me just because I couldn't stop crying.

I'll be working from home until I get my car back though I took personal time today, just because I couldn't focus on anything really. I'm extremely fortunate to have the ability to work from home even though I don't like doing it very often because there is no one to talk to or gossip with and the pig yells at me all day. But I'm grateful for the ability and will take full advantage of it.

The best thing to come out of this was that I finally made myself a Side Car utilizing this recipe from one of my favorite blogs. These are just as delightful as Her Laundress states and they certainly did the trick when I needed fortification. It is my new signature drink, replacing the Singapore Sling, and I plan on ordering it every place I go since I actually know how to make it. I looked up the measurements and it looks to be roughly 1 1/2 oz brandy, 3/4 oz Triple Sec, and 3/4 oz fresh lemon juice. Try it, seriously. Don't like brandy? Hardly noticeable (and I like brandy), at least if you use the kind I am, which turns out to be diluted.

Drive safely, children. You never know what idiot is on the road with you forgetting how many lanes there are.

Impotency of Apology

People talk about 'the power of words' a lot, about how something small and innocuous can make a major impact. They talk about how a simple 'thank you' can turn someone's day around, or how something small can devastate. But I never really thought about how meaningless and hollow things like 'I'm sorry' and 'I never meant to hurt you' could feel.

Someone I love very much turned me and a fear of mine into a joke with a third party. I'd expressed a sudden fear regarding a private issue (not at all related to MS or anything like that) to this person and later found out that they'd joked about it with a friend and suddenly that friend could make snarky remarks about me. I felt humiliated and devastated. I shook all over and felt sick. I just couldn't believe that this person viewed me in that way, a joke, someone without or undeserving of dignity and respect.

This person has apologized and stated that there had been no malicious intent. Do I believe them? I suppose. But it makes it hurt even more that they didn't think of me or consider my feelings. And even with an apology, I still hurt and I still feel betrayed and I have lost my trust.

Perhaps it would hurt less if this person weren't J, my husband and best friend.

We talked about it. We talked about a lot of things. I walked away feeling, I don't know what. Today I wonder if he views everything as my fault or if he accepts anything that I said. I wonder if he truly understands the things I tried to express. Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming as loud as I can to be heard but that I'm speaking the wrong language.

He's told me that he's 100% in this and that he loves me. I suppose I believe him but in the back of my head I keep thinking about how I've never been this hurt, not even when I felt my heart break over an ex-boyfriend. And because I was so easily turned into a joke, I feel like I'd better guard myself and not give him any ammunition.

I feel like I just can't see clearly because someone has slipped me a mind-altering drug and everything thing just feels off.

I used to think people only said things like "I don't recognize 'us' anymore" in the world of TV only. But I suddenly don't recognize anything.

Among the worst things to have crossed my lips in the last 24 hours is "can you believe that we may have to spend years and years telling people that it wasn't the MS that caused the split?"