In Which I've Been Listening to Gotye On Repeat...

and don't care about my audience.

I haven't heard from J since March 24, the last time he responded to an email, the one in which he said he couldn't accept half our tax return. He can't face me, talk to me, deal with me, handle me. He can't respond.

I understand it, I think. No, no I don't because I'm not him and I don't know his feelings. I assume it's because he's hurting and it's too painful. Or maybe he's angry? The truth is, I don't know why he can't interact with me but I know it's because I've left him for good. I have to hope that he's OK based on the fact that I emailed him after the 24th of March to let him know I transferred money into our joint account for the Verizon bill and that money has been withdrawn. I cling to that and am somewhat reconciled that I'll have a once monthly reminder that he is OK as I'll email him each month with the same subject line "I've transferred money into the joint account for the Verizon bill" and I'll monitor said account to see that it has been withdrawn.

I'm angry with myself and, I don't know, the universe maybe, that whilst I know I forfeited any right to hurt and upset when I made the final decision, I still feel so torn up inside. I know what my role in this is and yet I can't help but be incredibly sad and angry about it. I'm not angry at J, not at all. I'm just angry. I go about my day and deal with things, all things, in my life, but I have this ghost or shadow hanging over me all the time. This desperate feeling because all I have left of J is silence. It's a constant reminder of the hurt I've caused him.

I don't think he wants me to feel like this. Again, I obviously don't know what he wants or what he feels, but I have known him for nearly eight years and he's neither cruel nor malicious. So I don't think he'd clap and be happy to know that the wife that kicked him out, the wife that said "divorce" feels... feels what exactly? Sad. Devastated. Worried. Wrecked. Terrified. Guilty. So, so guilty. I don't think that would make him feel good at all. I don't for a moment think that his silence is a way of getting back at me. But I suppose, if it is, I'd have to say well done.

Every so often it deluges me, just as MS used to. I remember breaking down out of nowhere and wondering "when am I going to get used to this inevitable thing that has entered my life? When am I going to stop freaking out? Stop crying about it? When will it just be a part of me that I can deal with and not think about constantly?" That's how I feel about J and our break up. I remember the relief I felt when I finally told him that it was just over, relief because I was finally honest and we could start moving on without clinging to something that was no longer there, the spider webs where a foundation once stood.

It's "funny" because I used to tell him that if we ever split up I could never be his friend as we were never friends to begin with. No, we actually dated and then were boyfriend and girlfriend before husband and wife. Now I'm facing that reality from the other side. I can't imagine or comprehend a life where I don't know him, don't talk to him, don't have an idea of what is going on in his life. It isn't even about wanting to take care of him anymore. I just like the guy and I want to know what he is up to.

And I completely understand and appreciate why I don't get that and why I have no right to it. I understand that, just as I understand that I have no right to feel sorry for myself as this was MY decision, but that doesn't take away the pain that I feel and it doesn't help me shutter my emotions. It still hurts, very deeply and almost continuously. I don't talk about it with my friends or family because I feel ashamed and selfish to admit to these feelings when, again, it's my doing. I don't even really allow myself to think about it too often because it just makes me angry at myself for being weak, selfish, childish, and awful. Make your bed and lie in it without bitching about what you've created.

But it's there, he's there, every moment of my life.

Last Word in this Chapter

Another thing that I always thought was a lame cliche: men and women think differently. I've always thought that was just a played out stereotype or what have you to keep conservative middle America guffawing at sitcoms. But it must be true because there is no way J could be as deceitful and manipulative as he would have to be to pretend he didn't understand what I was trying to tell him. He's not a deceitful person (or if he is, I've missed the boat by many miles and have still not faced the horrible truth after seven years.)

So today I put myself in his shoes and thought over the conversations we've had the last two days. Yep, big, awkward, horrible, grown up, married people conversations. Ones where he gets angry and I, surprise surprise, cry. Feeling really happy? Cry. Reading or watching something moving? Weep. Angry? Sob. Frustrated? Cry some more. The most annoying of my uncontrolled habits that I've never been able to stop. So I cry and weep and he seethes and feels angry. But we put up with it and soldiered on because we love each other and both want this to work. And this morning, I thought to myself "does he really, truly believe that I still think x y or z even after we've talked about it?" So I e-mailed him when I got to work to let him know I didn't believe it of him and that he needn't worry that I did or that I was watching his every move with suspicion. I also explained that the reason I don't say things while we are actually talking and end up emailing him in the morning is because they don't come to me. Something about sleeping and getting up gives me a bit of clarity and objectivity and so I want to communicate with him about whatever it is but I'm certainly not going to wake him up (again) at 7 a.m. to share.

We are working on things. He's truly sorry that he hurt me and has said that he loves me and that he would never degrade me or humiliate me or hurt me in any way on purpose or with intent. He has said that he doesn't think terrible things about me and that he wishes he could just fix things. But that isn't ever possible so instead we are just working through everything and today was the first good day I've had. I didn't spend the day at work with a clenched knot in my stomach, wanting to be sick at every minute, trying not to cry whilst my mind raced through all the terrible thoughts. Maybe because I'd gotten past the heat of the emotion and because we'd actually communicated like human beings, I was able to get over my shock and horror and start sorting through the rubble.

I'm not wearing rosy glasses or anything. I'm still a bit fearful and still hurt. But I'm trying to view things in a more simple way. Take him at his word. Consider what I've learned about him over all these years and holding up those actions against this one. He and I have both really fucked things up in our own ways and I think we have both owned the responsibility. And hopefully, this will just draw us closer together and we can get back to where we used to be.

Something happened around the end of May when he was studying for his exams and I didn't write about it. It wasn't so much a fight as it was just a catharsis. For a moment I really did think that that was it, we weren't going to make it. But J surprised me by coming back and apologizing for "behaving badly" as he put it. The process of getting a PhD or living with someone who is doing so can really test marriages I've been told. There were a lot of adjustments to be made when J started almost four years ago. Things changed in a number of ways to accommodate his new life as a professional student. And somewhere along the line, things got bad and neither one of us noticed properly. Then we forgot how to have conversations with one another. There is a good chance that my MS did start up at the end of 2007 and affected part of me that really contributed to a big portion of our troubles.

But hopefully we've caught it in time. Hopefully we'll see through all of the bullshit and find each other again and remember why we love each other. Because I do love him, tremendously, but I also want him to be happy. I'm not saying I'm so selfless that I could easily let him go if I knew it would lead him to a happy life. That would be complete and utter shit. I would feel broken and bruised, defeated and drained, and without a sense of life any more. I would be far less of a real person than I am now. But I never want to be some clinging, needy, weak little idiot who shields her eyes from the truth if it just means he'll stay for a little bit longer.

And oddly enough, I think I felt more married today than I have in a long time. I think I finally saw part of who it is I fell in love with again. I didn't know I'd missed him or been apart from him for so long until I felt it today.

And this is the last I'll write about this particular occurrence in my life. I'm vague on the details on purpose. As much as this is my blog and about my life, it is also about those that I love and respect. J doesn't read this (I asked him not to just because I thought it would be weird) but I still feel I owe him the respect of his privacy. I also owe our marriage some privacy and respect because it means a lot to me.

So I'll simply say this: life never stops surprising me with the shit tricks it plays on me and I'm convinced my life is just one long humiliating march towards death. But I also feel a great sense of wonder and accomplishment when some good comes out of it. In whatever form.

Impotency of Apology

People talk about 'the power of words' a lot, about how something small and innocuous can make a major impact. They talk about how a simple 'thank you' can turn someone's day around, or how something small can devastate. But I never really thought about how meaningless and hollow things like 'I'm sorry' and 'I never meant to hurt you' could feel.

Someone I love very much turned me and a fear of mine into a joke with a third party. I'd expressed a sudden fear regarding a private issue (not at all related to MS or anything like that) to this person and later found out that they'd joked about it with a friend and suddenly that friend could make snarky remarks about me. I felt humiliated and devastated. I shook all over and felt sick. I just couldn't believe that this person viewed me in that way, a joke, someone without or undeserving of dignity and respect.

This person has apologized and stated that there had been no malicious intent. Do I believe them? I suppose. But it makes it hurt even more that they didn't think of me or consider my feelings. And even with an apology, I still hurt and I still feel betrayed and I have lost my trust.

Perhaps it would hurt less if this person weren't J, my husband and best friend.

We talked about it. We talked about a lot of things. I walked away feeling, I don't know what. Today I wonder if he views everything as my fault or if he accepts anything that I said. I wonder if he truly understands the things I tried to express. Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming as loud as I can to be heard but that I'm speaking the wrong language.

He's told me that he's 100% in this and that he loves me. I suppose I believe him but in the back of my head I keep thinking about how I've never been this hurt, not even when I felt my heart break over an ex-boyfriend. And because I was so easily turned into a joke, I feel like I'd better guard myself and not give him any ammunition.

I feel like I just can't see clearly because someone has slipped me a mind-altering drug and everything thing just feels off.

I used to think people only said things like "I don't recognize 'us' anymore" in the world of TV only. But I suddenly don't recognize anything.

Among the worst things to have crossed my lips in the last 24 hours is "can you believe that we may have to spend years and years telling people that it wasn't the MS that caused the split?"