Impotency of Apology

People talk about 'the power of words' a lot, about how something small and innocuous can make a major impact. They talk about how a simple 'thank you' can turn someone's day around, or how something small can devastate. But I never really thought about how meaningless and hollow things like 'I'm sorry' and 'I never meant to hurt you' could feel.

Someone I love very much turned me and a fear of mine into a joke with a third party. I'd expressed a sudden fear regarding a private issue (not at all related to MS or anything like that) to this person and later found out that they'd joked about it with a friend and suddenly that friend could make snarky remarks about me. I felt humiliated and devastated. I shook all over and felt sick. I just couldn't believe that this person viewed me in that way, a joke, someone without or undeserving of dignity and respect.

This person has apologized and stated that there had been no malicious intent. Do I believe them? I suppose. But it makes it hurt even more that they didn't think of me or consider my feelings. And even with an apology, I still hurt and I still feel betrayed and I have lost my trust.

Perhaps it would hurt less if this person weren't J, my husband and best friend.

We talked about it. We talked about a lot of things. I walked away feeling, I don't know what. Today I wonder if he views everything as my fault or if he accepts anything that I said. I wonder if he truly understands the things I tried to express. Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming as loud as I can to be heard but that I'm speaking the wrong language.

He's told me that he's 100% in this and that he loves me. I suppose I believe him but in the back of my head I keep thinking about how I've never been this hurt, not even when I felt my heart break over an ex-boyfriend. And because I was so easily turned into a joke, I feel like I'd better guard myself and not give him any ammunition.

I feel like I just can't see clearly because someone has slipped me a mind-altering drug and everything thing just feels off.

I used to think people only said things like "I don't recognize 'us' anymore" in the world of TV only. But I suddenly don't recognize anything.

Among the worst things to have crossed my lips in the last 24 hours is "can you believe that we may have to spend years and years telling people that it wasn't the MS that caused the split?"