I got my car back today! It cost me a bundle but I got it back! The guy at the shop informed me that the main issue was was the "back knuckle", which everything is connected to (shocks, struts, brakes, everything) and he couldn't believe that I'd driven it to the shop in that condition. In fact, he told me that he'd never seen a rear knuckle smashed clean through and that when they raised the car, the wheel almost broke clean off. He's been in the game for 20 years and kept the part just because he'd never seen it before. "Glad fucking up my life has at least impressed somebody!" I told him, with good humor, that I was going to be selling my stuff in order to make up for this colossal error, and he let me know that the struts had a life time warranty so, for as long as I drive my car, I'm covered on them. I replied that I plan on driving my little car for as long as I can, that it has only 84,000 miles on it despite being 12 years old and that it is well maintained. "I saw that. You can tell when a car is kept in good shape," he said. "Whenever I bring it in for maintenance I'm told I take good care of it. I don't, you guys do, I just bring it in when I'm supposed to" was my rejoinder.
Poor little car. It rides perfectly but there is fiberglass missing. I drive a 2000 Saturn SL1, a car that they don't make any longer since Saturn went out of business about three years ago. It isn't anything special to look at, and, if you've driven something substantial like J's Impala, it feels like a toy car filled with pipe cleaners, balsa wood, and hope, but I love it and have always planned to drive it forever because I have zero interest in having a car payment.
That was the joy of my day. A woman at work picked me up this morning and was willing to give me rides for as long as I needed. Both she and my boss offered to take me or lend me their vehicles when I was opining how odd it was to be without my car because I had those thoughts of "oh, I'll just run to the bank quickly" or "I'm going to put these boxes in my car" only to remember "no, no I won't, I don't have a car." It was supremely kind of this woman, especially, because she doesn't know me that well and she even offered to lend me her extra car (I was going to but then realized, yeah, I can't risk the liability). The kindness of mid western people still shocks and delights me.
As pleased as I was to get my car back, I think the real shock of it all hit me this evening because I was suddenly very weak and tired. This isn't a terrible thing, just something that is most likely natural and I'm glad of it because I have a feeling I'll sleep well and wake refreshed. I have a long road ahead of me and I still get a bit weepy, but I'm slowly moving from that terrible fear to my old resourceful self that just says "buck up, buttercup. You'll get through this and you'll be fine, as you always are." I am pleased, as I always am, with my resilience. Yes, I did something stupid like make a terrible mistake in traffic, and I am presently royally fucked, but I still have that sense that has been with me for ages, that I'll end up OK.
What else, after all, can I be? I'm not one to sink, but one to swim and whilst I am a poor swimmer in reality (lower body of a Viking, upper body of a poet), I'm also fairly tenacious and always resurface, no matter how strong the current. There is just too much to enjoy in this damned world for me to allow myself to be defeated by something like financial strain or inconvenience.
Showing posts with label Progress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Progress. Show all posts
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Progress
I'm finally moving on with it. Yesterday I put on my big girl panties and dove into the office, sweating like crazy for hours as I put J's items in the closet, moved furniture around, vacuumed, dusted, worked to get out the cobwebs and dust. It was hard, grueling work, painful both physically and emotionally. But it had to be done because I can't keep it a shrine.
I also cleaned the bedroom and bathroom, taking out trash, dusting more, and moving things around. The bedroom was surprisingly painful, even more so than the office. His presence is no longer felt in the bedroom whilst his ghost haunts the office. Maybe because the bed we shared is gone and a new, queen size has been installed. Perhaps because we so rarely slept together, he staying up late and falling asleep on the couch before coming to bed at 5 a.m., one or two hours before I had to get up.
But I tackled it. I'm not usually one to procrastinate, rather I take on the worst tasks right away to get them over with. But these are things I'd been avoiding because it was a different type of priority. At work, I return the phone calls first because that is the most unpleasant part of my job. If I have an unpleasant duty assigned to me, I get it out of the way as quickly as possible. But this? This was painful and difficult for so many reasons. I had to face the fallout of my relationship. I felt like sobbing the entire time, touching J's belongings, feeling his absence. I felt like a bitch for tidying him out of my life this way.
We talked a bit yesterday. He came to pick up his mail and I took him to our favorite pub because we were both starving and I feel bad about how shitty his financial situation is. That and it was just a plain weak move and I caved. We talked, just a bit. He made it clear that he thinks IT Guy just wants to make his move on me. Interestingly, he seemed angry when I asked "is that why you talk to N?" his female friend. I didn't think that was his motive and I told him I just wanted him to consider that he has female friends so why can't his wife have male friends? But I left it at that.
He told me that he assumed IT Guy was bad mouthing him. I told him absolutely not, and that if anyone was going to try that they would find out incredibly quickly that shit like that does not fly with me. I told him that people did assume he left me, which is oddly horrible in its own way. And I told him that it would make more sense for his friends to trash talk me since I asked him to leave. But he said that no one was doing that, that they just all said the same thing about our needing space and needing to work things out.
People also like to tell you that you need to take this time to work on yourself and find what makes you happy. I appreciate it, but seriously? Having my husband back and everything being super happy and loving and wonderful is what I want and what would make me happy.
Gah, let's not go down that path. Instead, I'll just focus on the fact that I've made progress. It's been painful and I'm still not sleeping, but at least I'm getting somewhere.
Also, I have yet to drunk dial him so kudos to me.
I also cleaned the bedroom and bathroom, taking out trash, dusting more, and moving things around. The bedroom was surprisingly painful, even more so than the office. His presence is no longer felt in the bedroom whilst his ghost haunts the office. Maybe because the bed we shared is gone and a new, queen size has been installed. Perhaps because we so rarely slept together, he staying up late and falling asleep on the couch before coming to bed at 5 a.m., one or two hours before I had to get up.
But I tackled it. I'm not usually one to procrastinate, rather I take on the worst tasks right away to get them over with. But these are things I'd been avoiding because it was a different type of priority. At work, I return the phone calls first because that is the most unpleasant part of my job. If I have an unpleasant duty assigned to me, I get it out of the way as quickly as possible. But this? This was painful and difficult for so many reasons. I had to face the fallout of my relationship. I felt like sobbing the entire time, touching J's belongings, feeling his absence. I felt like a bitch for tidying him out of my life this way.
We talked a bit yesterday. He came to pick up his mail and I took him to our favorite pub because we were both starving and I feel bad about how shitty his financial situation is. That and it was just a plain weak move and I caved. We talked, just a bit. He made it clear that he thinks IT Guy just wants to make his move on me. Interestingly, he seemed angry when I asked "is that why you talk to N?" his female friend. I didn't think that was his motive and I told him I just wanted him to consider that he has female friends so why can't his wife have male friends? But I left it at that.
He told me that he assumed IT Guy was bad mouthing him. I told him absolutely not, and that if anyone was going to try that they would find out incredibly quickly that shit like that does not fly with me. I told him that people did assume he left me, which is oddly horrible in its own way. And I told him that it would make more sense for his friends to trash talk me since I asked him to leave. But he said that no one was doing that, that they just all said the same thing about our needing space and needing to work things out.
People also like to tell you that you need to take this time to work on yourself and find what makes you happy. I appreciate it, but seriously? Having my husband back and everything being super happy and loving and wonderful is what I want and what would make me happy.
Gah, let's not go down that path. Instead, I'll just focus on the fact that I've made progress. It's been painful and I'm still not sleeping, but at least I'm getting somewhere.
Also, I have yet to drunk dial him so kudos to me.
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