Progress

I'm finally moving on with it. Yesterday I put on my big girl panties and dove into the office, sweating like crazy for hours as I put J's items in the closet, moved furniture around, vacuumed, dusted, worked to get out the cobwebs and dust. It was hard, grueling work, painful both physically and emotionally. But it had to be done because I can't keep it a shrine.

I also cleaned the bedroom and bathroom, taking out trash, dusting more, and moving things around. The bedroom was surprisingly painful, even more so than the office. His presence is no longer felt in the bedroom whilst his ghost haunts the office. Maybe because the bed we shared is gone and a new, queen size has been installed. Perhaps because we so rarely slept together, he staying up late and falling asleep on the couch before coming to bed at 5 a.m., one or two hours before I had to get up.

But I tackled it. I'm not usually one to procrastinate, rather I take on the worst tasks right away to get them over with. But these are things I'd been avoiding because it was a different type of priority. At work, I return the phone calls first because that is the most unpleasant part of my job. If I have an unpleasant duty assigned to me, I get it out of the way as quickly as possible. But this? This was painful and difficult for so many reasons. I had to face the fallout of my relationship. I felt like sobbing the entire time, touching J's belongings, feeling his absence. I felt like a bitch for tidying him out of my life this way.

We talked a bit yesterday. He came to pick up his mail and I took him to our favorite pub because we were both starving and I feel bad about how shitty his financial situation is. That and it was just a plain weak move and I caved. We talked, just a bit. He made it clear that he thinks IT Guy just wants to make his move on me. Interestingly, he seemed angry when I asked "is that why you talk to N?" his female friend. I didn't think that was his motive and I told him I just wanted him to consider that he has female friends so why can't his wife have male friends? But I left it at that.

He told me that he assumed IT Guy was bad mouthing him. I told him absolutely not, and that if anyone was going to try that they would find out incredibly quickly that shit like that does not fly with me. I told him that people did assume he left me, which is oddly horrible in its own way. And I told him that it would make more sense for his friends to trash talk me since I asked him to leave.  But he said that no one was doing that, that they just all said the same thing about our needing space and needing to work things out.

People also like to tell you that you need to take this time to work on yourself and find what makes you happy. I appreciate it, but seriously? Having my husband back and everything being super happy and loving and wonderful is what I want and what would make me happy.

Gah, let's not go down that path. Instead, I'll just focus on the fact that I've made progress. It's been painful and I'm still not sleeping, but at least I'm getting somewhere.

Also, I have yet to drunk dial him so kudos to me.