Keep It Separated

As I've told my mother the news, I no longer need worry about anyone else spilling the beans.

J and I have separated and he has moved out.

I am devastated and I feel sick all the time. I've told J that I really hope things work out, that we reconcile and find each other again. But we both know that this was the decision that had to be made, no matter how hard it has been for both of us.

He has stated that he is sad about this and hopes, as well, that we work things out. I can only believe him and trust him.

I do know he still cares because twice he showed signs of jealousy even after we'd split (for all intents and purposes anyway). And I think he must know that I still love him because I have been forthcoming, honest, and upfront all this while. I'm going away this weekend and I told him about it because I'm going with CD IT Guy, and I didn't want J to think anything untoward (which he did anyway but I offered to show him the invite which acknowledged the awkwardness of the offer and the friendly manner in which it was meant).

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, I suppose. I love J. I don't want any other person on this planet but J. I just need to be distracted. Maybe I'll finally be able to sleep.

We have done the 21st century awkward thing of defriending on Facebook and defriending various friends because is that what you do? He defriended K, and I had to tell her it wasn't personal because they like each other. She's my best friend though, so I guess in the split he felt I wanted sole custody. I defriended N and D just because I didn't know what else to do. I did send them messages though, letting them know it wasn't personal and asking them to please be there for J.

And tonight I am going to get good and drunk. No, that isn't true. I think I'd need a lot of booze to get good and drunk and I accidentally transferred funds the wrong way so overdrafted my account. Fortunately, my good friend former boss loaned me money to cover that but I'm not going to risk anything, especially not on booze. Or black tar heroin. So I guess I should say that I am going to tie one on and get a bit tipsy. I'm sure I'll cry and weep and be broken. And tomorrow I took the day off to deal with the fall out and to organize my home so that it isn't soaked in the atmosphere of loss and grief of his absence.

People tell me things will get better in time. They mean well but I think they want me to know that I'll move on. I don't want to move on. I want J. I want us. I want us back and I desperately hope that we find one another.