We were supposed to talk today but I blew it. I emailed him last night just to give him the answer I finally had to a question he kept asking. His question "If you love me and you think we'll work out and you're saying all of these things, why did you kick me out?" The fact that I asked him to leave sincerely distresses him and I wish I'd handled it better. I told him, initially, that it was because I knew we needed breathing room and because I was incredibly hurt. Both those things are true. But I realized yesterday that if this hadn't happened, things could have gotten a lot worse and maybe we would have been pushed to the point of no return. As it is, we have never been so candid and honest and grown up with one another. I think that is why this needed to happen, because it has forced us to confront the issues in a real way. And no, I don't think we could have done it living under the same roof.
I emailed him again later because I hadn't heard from him, saying I just wanted to know his thoughts. He called me very upset and asked me what he was supposed to say. We were supposed to be taking two days off to be alone and yet here I was emailing him. He was angry and frustrated and upset. We talked and argued and cried. Eventually I said "could you imagine going to sleep in the same bed as me tonight?" He could. Maybe it is the male - female brain thing again but I told him I couldn't. I couldn't just lay there and wake up after we'd fought, yet again.
He asked me again what we were supposed to be doing and I told him we were supposed to be really thinking things through and coming up with the reasons we'd gotten to this point, the things that we find problematic, and what we need from each other.
I don't think there was but one point where he wasn't angry during our hour conversation. The only time he seemed anything but frustrated and angry, even through the tears, was at the very end. We decided that we really do need to just cut off contact for a bit and I told him I would honor it. I don't think I told him that it was going to be hard because I'm terrified that he'll decide that he is happier and better without me. But that is what makes it so hard for me to not have contact with him. So he said we'd take a month off. I'll text him if he gets any important mail and will just throw out the junk mail. He put in his forwarding card at the post office so I shouldn't really be seeing anything.
It was only at this point that he said something without the anger and that was that he wanted to know if I heard anything or learned anything more or had any news regarding the MS. He won't go to the clinic with me (whenever I get an appointment) but he cares about me and wants to know.
And so now I have a month in which to be terrified and sad as well as to reflect on things. I know I should be taking this time to figure myself out and find what makes me happy but that doesn't help me in any way. I want to go back in time to 2007 when we first moved here because maybe then I could prevent what has happened. That is what would make me happy. I'm not taking a pottery class or meditating or anything like that.
Because I'm scared and sad and confused and I feel like a terrible person for hurting him so badly. And nothing anyone says will change those feelings. I'm not being stubborn or petulant, I'm simply acknowledging the truth. You can't make people feel better with words after times of great devastation and I think it is perfectly OK for me to feel this way at this time. I just truly hope it all works out.
I emailed him again later because I hadn't heard from him, saying I just wanted to know his thoughts. He called me very upset and asked me what he was supposed to say. We were supposed to be taking two days off to be alone and yet here I was emailing him. He was angry and frustrated and upset. We talked and argued and cried. Eventually I said "could you imagine going to sleep in the same bed as me tonight?" He could. Maybe it is the male - female brain thing again but I told him I couldn't. I couldn't just lay there and wake up after we'd fought, yet again.
He asked me again what we were supposed to be doing and I told him we were supposed to be really thinking things through and coming up with the reasons we'd gotten to this point, the things that we find problematic, and what we need from each other.
I don't think there was but one point where he wasn't angry during our hour conversation. The only time he seemed anything but frustrated and angry, even through the tears, was at the very end. We decided that we really do need to just cut off contact for a bit and I told him I would honor it. I don't think I told him that it was going to be hard because I'm terrified that he'll decide that he is happier and better without me. But that is what makes it so hard for me to not have contact with him. So he said we'd take a month off. I'll text him if he gets any important mail and will just throw out the junk mail. He put in his forwarding card at the post office so I shouldn't really be seeing anything.
It was only at this point that he said something without the anger and that was that he wanted to know if I heard anything or learned anything more or had any news regarding the MS. He won't go to the clinic with me (whenever I get an appointment) but he cares about me and wants to know.
And so now I have a month in which to be terrified and sad as well as to reflect on things. I know I should be taking this time to figure myself out and find what makes me happy but that doesn't help me in any way. I want to go back in time to 2007 when we first moved here because maybe then I could prevent what has happened. That is what would make me happy. I'm not taking a pottery class or meditating or anything like that.
Because I'm scared and sad and confused and I feel like a terrible person for hurting him so badly. And nothing anyone says will change those feelings. I'm not being stubborn or petulant, I'm simply acknowledging the truth. You can't make people feel better with words after times of great devastation and I think it is perfectly OK for me to feel this way at this time. I just truly hope it all works out.
This comment better work!
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love from across the other side of the world!
xxxx