Today I emailed my brothers to tell them about my blog. In this email I asked my eldest brother if he was a runner because part of the reason I thought I could do a half marathon was because I thought he'd done it and I assumed, having the same DNA, I could do it to. I also emailed a friend from middle school, who runs marathons, for advice.
It was after a reply to the middle school friend that I realized how asinine my thoughts were. He was great, telling me to follow a plan, to be in race shape, could he have more details of the race, that I realized how ridiculous I was being.
So I emailed my girlfriend Sandy, and told her I was pulling out. I emailed my middle school friend and basically said "look, I know this is odd but thank you for being there for me to realize what an idiot I've been."
Because who do I think I am? I can't continue to train with the idea that I can pull this off in October. Not when I've just been diagnosed with MS and have yet to have an appointment with those who will be treating me.
So I pulled out of the race. Would I be going for it if not for the pain I felt on June 2? Yes. Would I be afraid of not doing well/finishing/not running it all? Yes. But would I still go for it? Yes.
I still plan on training as usual, hopefully to run in early 2012 but I am disappointed and angry. I'm upset that I have too much going on to do it properly as planned. I'm upset that I'm not in control enough to compartmentalize and just suck it up and carry on as usual.
I'm fucking pissed at myself that I'm caving because I don't have any physical symptoms to keep me from training and continuing on as was before this all started. I'm pissed because I'm caving to fear, stress, and the unknown. I am letting this god damned diagnosis give me a reason to pull out of something I feared. I feel like I'm using it as an excuse.So I cannot except the idea that I am looking after myself.
That is my justification. That I am stressed as it is with work and with this MS nonsense that I can't handle more, like the idea of a deadline for being in the right shape to run this race. But it feels like a cop out and I feel like a failure. I know that Sandy doesn't care if I run or not, she just wants me to come out to California. But I know. I know that I've failed, that I've caved and given in and let MS take its first thing from me.
But that is why I plan on continuing to train so that in early 2012
It was after a reply to the middle school friend that I realized how asinine my thoughts were. He was great, telling me to follow a plan, to be in race shape, could he have more details of the race, that I realized how ridiculous I was being.
So I emailed my girlfriend Sandy, and told her I was pulling out. I emailed my middle school friend and basically said "look, I know this is odd but thank you for being there for me to realize what an idiot I've been."
Because who do I think I am? I can't continue to train with the idea that I can pull this off in October. Not when I've just been diagnosed with MS and have yet to have an appointment with those who will be treating me.
So I pulled out of the race. Would I be going for it if not for the pain I felt on June 2? Yes. Would I be afraid of not doing well/finishing/not running it all? Yes. But would I still go for it? Yes.
I still plan on training as usual, hopefully to run in early 2012 but I am disappointed and angry. I'm upset that I have too much going on to do it properly as planned. I'm upset that I'm not in control enough to compartmentalize and just suck it up and carry on as usual.
I'm fucking pissed at myself that I'm caving because I don't have any physical symptoms to keep me from training and continuing on as was before this all started. I'm pissed because I'm caving to fear, stress, and the unknown. I am letting this god damned diagnosis give me a reason to pull out of something I feared. I feel like I'm using it as an excuse.So I cannot except the idea that I am looking after myself.
That is my justification. That I am stressed as it is with work and with this MS nonsense that I can't handle more, like the idea of a deadline for being in the right shape to run this race. But it feels like a cop out and I feel like a failure. I know that Sandy doesn't care if I run or not, she just wants me to come out to California. But I know. I know that I've failed, that I've caved and given in and let MS take its first thing from me.
But that is why I plan on continuing to train so that in early 2012
This Sandy wench sounds like a flake. I mean: 1st she lives in California, and we know they are nothing but a bunch of hippies; 2nd she likely runs barefoot and doesn't wear deodorant, so running with her would have been dreadful; and 3rd she likely will insist you treat your MS with some herbs, chanting, and sun salutations. If you are going to head West, do it for the surfers, and by all means, have a back up plan in case Sandy lives in a yurt or VW bus.
ReplyDeleteThis is a risk I'm willing to take, especially as Sandy has never met me either. But I feel she has promised me some people watching, which I've taken to mean sitting, sipping wine and/or cocktails, and leering at hot young men.
ReplyDeleteAnd let's face it, it's not the herbs and chanting I need to worry about but prayers and crystals.