I went to J's place last night to talk about some of the things I mentioned in my last post, about his not talking to me about things. It wasn't the best of discussions. We aren't screaming at one another but we also can't seem to understand one another, though we are trying. I finally did explain that I wasn't asking him to do anything and I wasn't painting him out to be a villain, I just needed him to understand and appreciate the fact that I've been emotionally distressed for a long time now. I just needed him to understand how lonely, and upset, and fucked up I've felt. I don't need him to fix it or do anything, I just need him to see me. I understand the compulsion and desire to fix things though. It's a lot like the night before my MS diagnosis. No one wanted to let me just be scared. It is upsetting when someone you care about is scared or sad or upset in any way and it is only natural to want to step in and fix things so that they feel better. But if you don't let your emotions play out and take their natural course, and if those you need to won't acknowledge and understand what you are feeling, it just makes it worse.
We are told from childhood not to bottle our emotions, but you reach a point in your life where suddenly people expect you to move quickly and get over things rather than work through them. Again, it isn't because people are bad or mean or uncaring, it is that they can't handle it if someone they love is upset and so want to alleviate the pain as quickly as possible. But that just doesn't work.
I think he understood but I always think he's finally understood and it blows up in my face so I can't know for sure. What I do know is that he's been seriously fucked up these last twelve days and I need to leave him alone. I forgot that he doesn't adapt as quickly as I do and that he can't compartmentalize the same way. So he's been trying to get used to being alone and I keep contacting him. It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and it is seriously affecting his health, both mentally and physically. I had no idea and I just felt horrible for having contacted him yesterday. In the end I told him we could just wait until he felt settled and he could contact me when he is ready. He pointed out that I'd previously said I couldn't just sit and wait indefinitely because it would drive me crazy but I told him, in all honesty, that I could more easily wait for him than continue to cause him such horrific anxiety. I had no idea what was going on with him with regards to that and now that I know, I'm willing to do what it takes and be patient for his sake.
And maybe we really do just need to let things go for awhile. It is so difficult because I kicked him out, wish I hadn't, know it is for the best, don't know what I'm doing. I can't imagine what it is like for him. He might not have had a plan of action for talking with me but it wasn't his decision to move out. He didn't fight me when I told him to leave but he didn't initiate it.
So I'm in limbo and I need to be OK with that. I need to be patient and let go, things that are somewhat difficult for me. All I can do is hope to exhaust myself every day so that my mind won't be able to keep me up at night. Just like you can't force someone to feel better when they are afraid or upset, I can't force this relationship to work out or to progress at any particular pace. So I need to just sit back and let things happen without trying to control them (gah!)
Where is the handbook for this type of situation, god damn it?
We are told from childhood not to bottle our emotions, but you reach a point in your life where suddenly people expect you to move quickly and get over things rather than work through them. Again, it isn't because people are bad or mean or uncaring, it is that they can't handle it if someone they love is upset and so want to alleviate the pain as quickly as possible. But that just doesn't work.
I think he understood but I always think he's finally understood and it blows up in my face so I can't know for sure. What I do know is that he's been seriously fucked up these last twelve days and I need to leave him alone. I forgot that he doesn't adapt as quickly as I do and that he can't compartmentalize the same way. So he's been trying to get used to being alone and I keep contacting him. It has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and it is seriously affecting his health, both mentally and physically. I had no idea and I just felt horrible for having contacted him yesterday. In the end I told him we could just wait until he felt settled and he could contact me when he is ready. He pointed out that I'd previously said I couldn't just sit and wait indefinitely because it would drive me crazy but I told him, in all honesty, that I could more easily wait for him than continue to cause him such horrific anxiety. I had no idea what was going on with him with regards to that and now that I know, I'm willing to do what it takes and be patient for his sake.
And maybe we really do just need to let things go for awhile. It is so difficult because I kicked him out, wish I hadn't, know it is for the best, don't know what I'm doing. I can't imagine what it is like for him. He might not have had a plan of action for talking with me but it wasn't his decision to move out. He didn't fight me when I told him to leave but he didn't initiate it.
So I'm in limbo and I need to be OK with that. I need to be patient and let go, things that are somewhat difficult for me. All I can do is hope to exhaust myself every day so that my mind won't be able to keep me up at night. Just like you can't force someone to feel better when they are afraid or upset, I can't force this relationship to work out or to progress at any particular pace. So I need to just sit back and let things happen without trying to control them (gah!)
Where is the handbook for this type of situation, god damn it?
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