Mending the cracks

I had a bit of a nervous collapse yesterday and ended up spending the day at home, on the couch, watching episodes of Nero Wolfe and occasionally crying and shaking. It was no fun, obviously, and I was ruined for the day, totally incapable of doing anything. If I wasn't on the couch I was in bed reading. Someone knocked, loudly, on my door and I almost had a panic attack. I lay very still, trying to control my breathing, waiting for them to go away. Then I got up and shut my bedroom door to have an added layer of protection between me and the world.

The reason this happened is pretty basic and can be summed up by blaming it on "life". The specific factors involved are MS, my separation from J, and Manager. That should be enough without my going into it. I will, eventually, but I'm not exactly Miss Mental Wellness 2012 right now, although I'm far better than I was yesterday. So instead of talking about the specifics of what brought me so close to the edge of sanity, I thought I'd share the two things that helped me get through the day.

The first is short and incredibly sweet and is due to Boss who said the following in an email to me:

"As I tell my daughter - now is the perfect time to make a clean sweep of bygones and what could have beens and go forward and enjoy what life has to offer because you deserve so much more than what has been dealt to you up until this point."

Tell me you wouldn't be loyal as fuck to a woman like that?

The second is courtesy of my friend Hunter, who made me laugh throughout the day by chatting with me on and off and telling me about his birthday (which it was yesterday). I'm not going to go into it because I haven't been able to figure out the best way to put the story into words in order to have you grasp the hilarity, but I did want him to know just how thankful I am. I will say, however, that it involves an annual physical exam. Hunter knew how fucked up I was and so he graciously shared an embarrassing moment in his life (and one he goes through every year on his birthday) while I laughed uproariously and had to keep trying to smother myself so neighbors wouldn't hear. I only wish he kept a fucking blog so he could tell his own story as I don't know that I'd get it right.

I've said before that I am incredibly lucky and grateful to have the friends and loved ones that I do. Boss, who is a good friend and former employer, and Hunter, who is hands down my best friend, fall into those categories, friends and loved ones. Not only were they incredibly kind to me whilst I was freaking out, they made me feel like it was OK that it was happening, and offered me support in their own way. Boss offered me encouragement and love. Hunter offered me laughter and a way to pull me out of myself just long enough to perk up and feel a bit more like my old self.

I don't know if I'll get back to my old self exactly, although I expect I will do so. But continual support and hilarious stories are the best medicine I think I've ever had. And fortunately for me, I have a lot of people who offer me their support and I'm pretty sure that between Hunter and J, I'll never be without laughter.

And now I have to start relying on myself again and I have to take myself in hand. I have to get out of bed (it is 11:10 after all) and take a shower. I have to go to the cable company and drop off my cable box, which I should have done last week.  I have to play with Johan and make sure he is happy and OK. I have to start going through the motions of life again and stop just laying around indulging myself. $10 says I make it to the cable company and then shutter myself back in my apartment huddled in bed.