Please forgive me as I delve into self pity mode. No, you are absolutely right, I have no reason to bitch. I have a job and live in the US, which puts me further along the curve than so many others. My loved ones are either healthy or being taken care of by good people (poor, sick, senile Viking and SIL). And I'm healthy, I am.
I am not even that upset. I just had a moment where I thought of it. There is no reason for me to do so as I've not had an attack, but I thought of it and got scared in a practical way. What about if/when I need ramps? What about if/when I can't remember things. What about if/when I'm not me anymore.
In all likelihood, I have twenty years before I have to deal with those questions. But twenty years is 51 and 1/2 years old. Too young to being thinking of walkers, wheelchairs, cognitive loss. But it might happen. I'm sure I will deal with it but 31 and 1/2 years old me doesn't want that to happen. I already wonder when I can't think of a word, when I stumble, is it just me or ...
And I know how very lucky I am and I am, truly, sincerely, grateful. I am, I promise. I'm so lucky because it could be so, so, so worse. But when it is incurable, when it is unpredictable, when there are no guarantees, it's hard. So I know I'm lucky, and I am really grateful because I know there are people out there, like SIL with her rare form of soft tissue cancer, but sometimes I do get scared. Sometimes my fear overrides my understanding that I'm lucky Because I know I am but at the same time, I don't want to lose any part of what I have, not because of something I can't control.
I don't know why I have this. I don't know why I have these weird problems when Teacher just has poor vision and Eldest Brother is just balding and I have all of this. I don't wish either bi polar or MS on them but I wonder why I get it and they don't. I sound awful, don't I? Why me, oh woe is me.
I know I'm damned lucky, but I still get scared. Thank fuck it is few and far between these days, so less frequent than before. Most days I forget. But every so often I remember. Every so often I remember late 2007 when I went numb, with no idea, or last year, when I felt that pain and then lost vision in on eye. Still, I've been so lucky.
And still I'm so scared.
I am not even that upset. I just had a moment where I thought of it. There is no reason for me to do so as I've not had an attack, but I thought of it and got scared in a practical way. What about if/when I need ramps? What about if/when I can't remember things. What about if/when I'm not me anymore.
In all likelihood, I have twenty years before I have to deal with those questions. But twenty years is 51 and 1/2 years old. Too young to being thinking of walkers, wheelchairs, cognitive loss. But it might happen. I'm sure I will deal with it but 31 and 1/2 years old me doesn't want that to happen. I already wonder when I can't think of a word, when I stumble, is it just me or ...
And I know how very lucky I am and I am, truly, sincerely, grateful. I am, I promise. I'm so lucky because it could be so, so, so worse. But when it is incurable, when it is unpredictable, when there are no guarantees, it's hard. So I know I'm lucky, and I am really grateful because I know there are people out there, like SIL with her rare form of soft tissue cancer, but sometimes I do get scared. Sometimes my fear overrides my understanding that I'm lucky Because I know I am but at the same time, I don't want to lose any part of what I have, not because of something I can't control.
I don't know why I have this. I don't know why I have these weird problems when Teacher just has poor vision and Eldest Brother is just balding and I have all of this. I don't wish either bi polar or MS on them but I wonder why I get it and they don't. I sound awful, don't I? Why me, oh woe is me.
I know I'm damned lucky, but I still get scared. Thank fuck it is few and far between these days, so less frequent than before. Most days I forget. But every so often I remember. Every so often I remember late 2007 when I went numb, with no idea, or last year, when I felt that pain and then lost vision in on eye. Still, I've been so lucky.
And still I'm so scared.
You forgot to mention your toes. It is cruel how funny looking they are...oh, those are my toes. P.S. You are allowed to wallow in pity on occasion, and not apologize for it. In fact, I make it my mantra.
ReplyDeleteYou are far too cruel, Chey; I honestly don't know how you live with yourself. You obviously have zero idea how much trouble my toes have gotten me into. They are so sexy, so sensuous and tantalizing that I've all but brought down world government.
ReplyDeleteYou are right of course, we are all allowed to wallow from time to time. However, I do it far to frequently to have it considered decent.