Motivation

I am signed up to receive daily motivational emails because I'm trying to live peacefully and positively*. I think I signed up with two sites, actually. And you know what? Sometimes I get a quote that I really like and share with my friend, Tits, and other times I start to nod off mid paragraph. I evidently like my motivation and inspiration to come in snippet form. What does that say about me? That I'm highly unmotivated? How am I going to succeed in my life, reach that brass bar, and take life by the short hairs if I can't even get through four lines of inspiration?

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it." ~ Eckhart Tolle

That's what I like in my daily motivational emails, not a seven line metaphor about how I need to steer my own battleship or whatever. And I almost never look up the person being quoted. That Eckhart Tolle blurb up there? That's legit, came from one of my daily emails, and is written on a post-it note on my computer monitor. I don't know who the hell Eckhart Tolle is. I don't even know how to pronounce that shit and in my head it is Eck-heart Toll (like toll booth) although I prefer it to sound like Esh-hurt Tolly.  I'm less concerned with the pronunciation of his name than I am with the fact that someone named their kid Eckhart. And I'm just assuming Eckhart is a man's name.

I think I may be doing inspirational wrong.

I'm also doing parts of adulthood wrong. I picked a name out of a book when I needed a specialist here in the state where the stars are big and bright. So far I have had very, very few positive experiences with the office staff. I had to call and ask about having my super special prescription called in because that didn't appear to be a given. And then I had to explain to the person who answered the phone that yes, I had spoken to the doctor about it and that yes, we were trying something new. Eventually, they called it in. Today I called to say "What's up? I totes called last month to have my prescription called in but now I found out my insurance won't cover it and so I need something else." The jerk literally made me hold while she did whatever and came back and said "I'm sorry, there is no generic version of this drug." No shit, bitch! Maybe, instead of making an assumption and putting me the fuck on hold, you should have asked me what the issue was because my health insurance covers the god damned drug, just not in the dosage that had been prescribed.

She's going to check with the doc and get back to me. At the time of this writing, it has been 3.5 hours since I called.

And like I said, most of my experiences with this place have been negative but I'm too lazy to find a new specialist, even though this one is on the outer tier of my health plan's happiness or whatever and so costs me the biggest copay. But I'm all "meh, I have FSA" and just keep going instead of finding myself a nice university hospital based specialist.

Speaking of being an adult, I call bullshit. I'm essentially 33.5 years old but every so often, stupid teenage shit pops up. Not angsty shit or petty girlfriend fights or anything like that. No, these days it is all about being B-O-R-E-D. Read a book? I don't want to (and you know I like to read). Go for a walk? Fuck you and the giant swarm of mosquitoes you rode in on (especially the ones that are gnawing on me like I'm made out of sugar.) Why is it that everything costs so god damned much? What is there to do? I live in a real state with a real big city just a few miles away but every so often I get stuck in a rut where I want to go and do something but all I can think of are the following:

• Go out to eat. Money
• Go get a drink. Money
• Go buy shit. Money.
• Put on my big girl brass balls and drive to the city to go to a museum or something. Money + the terror of driving in a city (any city) + no one to go with me for company/moral support as I'm sure the Bat would fucking laugh at me if I suggested it.
• Go to the movies. Money. Besides, who wants to go sit through a movie in a theatre that is overpriced when you can just rent shit and watch it at home and take breaks to pee or smoke or whatever without missing anything? That and I have Netflix so I can just start binging on shows I've never seen before (like I did with Breaking Bad as soon as it fucking ended). 

That's all I can come up with. Tonight, I actually changed out of my work clothes (a dress) because I thought I'd maybe go chill at a bar across the street and write in my journal and work on this blog entry. But then I thought better of it (READ: couldn't justify the expense) so ended up going to the library to borrow some books (and pay the fine I knew I had [staggering buck forty]) and then went to Target where I picked up 1: a face mask, 2: a brush to brush Bubbles, and 3: a six pack of Shiner Bock because damn it, I'm tired of Miller Light. Then I came home, went to the bathroom, and asked the Bat if he had any bleach because last night Monkey tried to bath Temp, the newest doggy addition to the Bat Cave, and although the Monkey picked out the pieces of shit, that was it and I don't want to shower standing on skid marks (I'll still wear throw away sandals when I shower later though.). 

So what the fuck do grown ups who don't want to pay out the ass do for fun? Because my shit is lame right now. 

Probably because I'm not taking a good grip on the wheel of my battleship.

*I'll get back to you when I've decided if it's working... I think I've been signed up for this motivational shit for months now. 

FAIL and more FAIL

Life
Broke up with Murdoch. I decided to call it a day because we were clearly on different pages and I didn't like how I felt or who I seemed to be. I felt clingy and needy and I'm neither one and not about to let a guy make me feel that way. I tried calling but, surprise surprise, he didn't answer. So I emailed him, told him I hoped he and his were OK (this was Monday and I barely heard two words out of him since Friday early evening) and then told him I was ending it. He's a lovely guy and I wish him the best but I need more from a relationship. That's fine and it doesn't make me a bad person or high maintenance. He can't or won't give it to me. That's fine, that doesn't make him a bad person. Poor timing I suppose.

People keep asking if I heard back from him and I keep saying "at the end he barely spoke to me when we were together. Why would he talk to me now?"

Disappointing and a bummer but better to get out of it now when I know it just isn't going to work. I gave it a shot and tried my best but some things just aren't meant to be. I'll collect myself, get passed it, and probably sign up for a dating site when I'm ready.

Work
I have no idea what is going on at work but this weird thing happened yesterday. I was in a meeting and I volunteered to do someone's testing and documentation. She was cool with it. I then proceeded to work on it only to find out that my manager asked someone else to do it instead. No explanation as to why but I kind of feel insulted or like I was just given a pat on the head and handed a bouncey ball to play with.

This, obviously, affects my morale, as did the hangover I had yesterday (yesterday was Tuesday and after breaking up with Murdoch I thought "yeah, I'm going to drink too much tonight because that is going to make me feel better"). Did you know you can google "how to waste time at work" and find options? One of my favorites was along the lines of "I've found that no one will question you if you walk around with a clipboard looking serious". That and looking at those demotivational posters is good for a few moments of time murdering. My favorite by far has the caption:

Coming to Work: I don't really mind but, I mean, this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit.

It is my desktop wallpaper.

In other shitty work news, people can't stop telling me that an old coworker died yesterday. He was a really good guy and worked in IT in the Ohio office. Had been with the company for something like 15 years and was really part of what people like to refer to as "the culture." That office will not be the same. He was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer a few months ago and it moved quickly. It's very sad news and it doesn't get any less sad the number of times you are told.

Fucking cancer.

 

10 Wasted Minutes

She happily began her work day, feeling positive and empowered, willing to take on the world as though she and all the elements were one and she had only to wave her fingers or dangle an ankle to make wondrous things occur.

But then she regretted not meditating that morning, choosing to sleep in instead. The meditation helps the girl get out of her brain for a bit and things take on a new perspective. She’d planned on sitting for twenty minutes, iPod on, listening to a guided meditation to make her feel good, calm, empowered, at peace.

Instead, she slept in. Ghost Boy infiltrated her thoughts more than inner peace and tranquility. She was haunted. And that sucked.

Then it got even better when the girl’s boss and a colleague started asking her, yet again, to do things she had no clue about. She was given a set of crayons and asked to build a CB radio. People all around her were giving her difficult tasks beyond her scope.

So she turned on Radiolab and popped a Klonopin and just chilled to get through the rest of her day. The monsters and assholes will just have to wait. She’s busy.