Motivation

I am signed up to receive daily motivational emails because I'm trying to live peacefully and positively*. I think I signed up with two sites, actually. And you know what? Sometimes I get a quote that I really like and share with my friend, Tits, and other times I start to nod off mid paragraph. I evidently like my motivation and inspiration to come in snippet form. What does that say about me? That I'm highly unmotivated? How am I going to succeed in my life, reach that brass bar, and take life by the short hairs if I can't even get through four lines of inspiration?

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it." ~ Eckhart Tolle

That's what I like in my daily motivational emails, not a seven line metaphor about how I need to steer my own battleship or whatever. And I almost never look up the person being quoted. That Eckhart Tolle blurb up there? That's legit, came from one of my daily emails, and is written on a post-it note on my computer monitor. I don't know who the hell Eckhart Tolle is. I don't even know how to pronounce that shit and in my head it is Eck-heart Toll (like toll booth) although I prefer it to sound like Esh-hurt Tolly.  I'm less concerned with the pronunciation of his name than I am with the fact that someone named their kid Eckhart. And I'm just assuming Eckhart is a man's name.

I think I may be doing inspirational wrong.

I'm also doing parts of adulthood wrong. I picked a name out of a book when I needed a specialist here in the state where the stars are big and bright. So far I have had very, very few positive experiences with the office staff. I had to call and ask about having my super special prescription called in because that didn't appear to be a given. And then I had to explain to the person who answered the phone that yes, I had spoken to the doctor about it and that yes, we were trying something new. Eventually, they called it in. Today I called to say "What's up? I totes called last month to have my prescription called in but now I found out my insurance won't cover it and so I need something else." The jerk literally made me hold while she did whatever and came back and said "I'm sorry, there is no generic version of this drug." No shit, bitch! Maybe, instead of making an assumption and putting me the fuck on hold, you should have asked me what the issue was because my health insurance covers the god damned drug, just not in the dosage that had been prescribed.

She's going to check with the doc and get back to me. At the time of this writing, it has been 3.5 hours since I called.

And like I said, most of my experiences with this place have been negative but I'm too lazy to find a new specialist, even though this one is on the outer tier of my health plan's happiness or whatever and so costs me the biggest copay. But I'm all "meh, I have FSA" and just keep going instead of finding myself a nice university hospital based specialist.

Speaking of being an adult, I call bullshit. I'm essentially 33.5 years old but every so often, stupid teenage shit pops up. Not angsty shit or petty girlfriend fights or anything like that. No, these days it is all about being B-O-R-E-D. Read a book? I don't want to (and you know I like to read). Go for a walk? Fuck you and the giant swarm of mosquitoes you rode in on (especially the ones that are gnawing on me like I'm made out of sugar.) Why is it that everything costs so god damned much? What is there to do? I live in a real state with a real big city just a few miles away but every so often I get stuck in a rut where I want to go and do something but all I can think of are the following:

• Go out to eat. Money
• Go get a drink. Money
• Go buy shit. Money.
• Put on my big girl brass balls and drive to the city to go to a museum or something. Money + the terror of driving in a city (any city) + no one to go with me for company/moral support as I'm sure the Bat would fucking laugh at me if I suggested it.
• Go to the movies. Money. Besides, who wants to go sit through a movie in a theatre that is overpriced when you can just rent shit and watch it at home and take breaks to pee or smoke or whatever without missing anything? That and I have Netflix so I can just start binging on shows I've never seen before (like I did with Breaking Bad as soon as it fucking ended). 

That's all I can come up with. Tonight, I actually changed out of my work clothes (a dress) because I thought I'd maybe go chill at a bar across the street and write in my journal and work on this blog entry. But then I thought better of it (READ: couldn't justify the expense) so ended up going to the library to borrow some books (and pay the fine I knew I had [staggering buck forty]) and then went to Target where I picked up 1: a face mask, 2: a brush to brush Bubbles, and 3: a six pack of Shiner Bock because damn it, I'm tired of Miller Light. Then I came home, went to the bathroom, and asked the Bat if he had any bleach because last night Monkey tried to bath Temp, the newest doggy addition to the Bat Cave, and although the Monkey picked out the pieces of shit, that was it and I don't want to shower standing on skid marks (I'll still wear throw away sandals when I shower later though.). 

So what the fuck do grown ups who don't want to pay out the ass do for fun? Because my shit is lame right now. 

Probably because I'm not taking a good grip on the wheel of my battleship.

*I'll get back to you when I've decided if it's working... I think I've been signed up for this motivational shit for months now.