Here's a question for Ask Jeeves: What the fuck is my problem with other people being aware that I exist? One of my favorite bloggers is mimismartypants, whose blog I've been following for a few years (and in true fangirl style, I've read all of her archives... seriously, go to www.mimismartypants.com and see what that entails). She mentioned before that she has neck problems because she has a weird issue of thinking her head will fall off (I'm not doing it justice and if you've gone to her page and you see the volume of her archives, you'll forgive me for not getting it exactly right). That sounds weird but I just accepted it because I'm a total freak who is uncomfortable when people point out that I'm wearing color or have my hair down because it means they notice that I exist, physically, in time and space.
I was paid a compliment today, a very nice one. I was informed that someone found my "combination of wit, wisdom, and sensuality exhilarating." That sounds really great, doesn't it? What did I answer? "Yeah, I'm awesome, alright." That is how I answer most compliments when they aren't about something I'm wearing, in which case I can answer "I've had this for years and always get comments on it" or "I love this dress and it only cost $20." I've never been good with compliments although I answer with "Thank you" these days more often than I do with sarcasm because it is the societal norm and let's face it, I can take all the societal norm I can fake. But when I receive a compliment like that, I am startled and briefly taken aback because, what the fuck, why are you paying enough attention to me to form an opinion?
As I said to the same friend recently, I spend a great deal of time trying to be invisible outside of my work. I want people to know that I work hard, am diligent, loyal, dedicated, and competent. But I don't want to be on anyone's personal radar and I don't want to cause any trouble, not in a personal sense. Stalker fell in love with me and thought the world of me. My best friend, K, once said something like "there you are, disparaging yourself again" with a disappointed tone when I told her someone had complimented me on looking like a lady and I'd responded with "yeah, but I'm still the same old ox, just in a dress." It is more reflexive than intentional. I want to avert their attention away from me and make them laugh so that I can return to being the jackass and not someone you take seriously, again, unless it is work related.
Why is that? Why do I find the idea of people treating me like they can see, hear, and consider what I'm saying or experiencing so abhorrent? I really have no clue. Is it that I live so much in my head and don't find myself to be noteworthy? I don't mean that in a self-esteem way, I just don't find myself that remarkable. Sure, I think I'm funny, hell, I put a lot in this here blog that probably only humors me because I get a kick out of myself. And it isn't unreasonable to be complimented. I compliment people all the time, recently telling a friend that I was glad she was going to take over managerial responsibilities over a particular employee because I felt that employee, specifically, would really benefit from said friend's mentoring and managerial ways. I'm not flippant or sycophantic with the compliments, but sincere. That particular friend doesn't take them well because she isn't comfortable with having any spotlight shone on her. I just don't want to be reminded that I have any lasting impression on people.
But why? It makes no sense. There are people who have impressed me and influenced me greatly in my life and I will never forget them and, when possible, I seek them out to let them know. Former teachers, friends past and present, family members, so many people have helped form who I am today and I'm grateful to them and will most likely be grateful to many in the future. Yet every facebook friend request I make to someone from my past begins with a message stating "You might not remember me, my name was x back then and you would know me from x y or z." The response is always "Of course I remember you!" and is inevitably warm and positive.
Why am I convinced that no one notices me regardless of the evidence to the contrary and, more importantly, why do I want to be forgettable? Any ideas?
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