Do you ever seriously think about suicide? About how you really can run away from your life forever? I do. I sometimes just think, "fuck this, fuck all of this" and think about taking the pills washed down with vodka, that would help me end it all. I suppose that is surprising, given that I'm a cutter but I'm afraid of pain so I would never take my wrists as a way out.
But I think about it from time to time. How much better it might be if I just killed myself. Killed myself. That sounds awful doesn't it? I love life. I love all that life has to offer. But sometimes life is just too much and I want to stop it. I want to stop the feeling, the experiencing, the living. Sometimes I feel that going to sleep forever and having my brain stop would be the best thing.
I'm not going to do it right now so please don't call my mother and make her worry. I know that I have an obligation to a few people and that to kill myself would hurt them. I also know that my life is fantastic and that I have nothing to complain about. It's just my stupid, worthless, broken brain.
But it hurts. Sometimes it hurts all day, ever day. I am on medication but that isn't enough to combat life, I suppose. Someone said, and was correct, we are all born with a death rattle.
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