Mystery Fruit

Blubber
I forced myself to go to the stupid gym and use the stupid elliptical last night. I did 2.5 miles in 30 minutes and when I stepped off after my cool down, my legs were made of jello and I was terrified I'd fall over. I went up a flight of stairs* to walk a half mile round the track before going home just to calm my legs down. It was kind of nice and relaxing to wind down that way, and I enjoyed watching two separate individuals who would occasionally sprint around the track. I liked watching them because they ran with their arms flailing about as though they were being chased by monsters or zombies or Dick Cheney or something.

We all have things we dislike when it comes to the gym and here is a list of mine since nobody asked:

1. Super fit, skinny chicks who get on the treadmill next to me and run at 8 miles and hour whilst wearing baseball hats. I sweat like a Yeti and can barely run a mile at 5.5 right now so give me a break, will ya? 
2. Any woman wearing makeup.
3. Any woman wearing her hair down (unless her hair is too short to put up).
4. Super fit, skinny chicks sitting at equipment and phoning in the work out. I work hard and I'm a Yeti.
5. Men who clearly didn't put deodorant on before hopping on the treadmill next to me.
6. People who don't wipe down their machines. Really?!?! 

I threw in the last two just to make it seem like I have less of a complex than I really do. Here are a few things I do like about the gym:

1. When I see really fit people quietly working out in corners and not being all flaunty about it.
2. How isolated and alone I feel when I'm on a treadmill/elliptical with my headphones on.
3. When I see overweight people or people of my stature putting in an honest effort.
4. Seeing people punch weight bags. I don't know why, but that just tickles me. 
5. Seeing people working out with friends and using one another as spotters. I would like to have a spotter. 

I generally only bitch about the gym so I thought I'd throw some good things in there. I really do enjoy seeing super fit chicks who can do pull ups unassisted and yesterday I saw a chick on the third floor in a quiet little corner doing pushups and all sorts of things mixed in. I also like seeing super fit guys doing work outy things when they aren't being grunty and ostentatious about it. 

*The particular gym I went to last night has three floors and I believe three of the staircases are made of thick green glass with nothing in between. Hard to describe, really, but they make me really uncomfortable because I prefer to have something solid when I'm climbing steps, especially with jelly legs.

Wagons

After eating roughly $5 of vending machine food yesterday, I went home, had a glass of red wine (really, just the one glass, I know, right?), pizza rolls, and ice cream. And now I'm back on the stupid detox with one variation; I am drinking diet soda. That's right, fuck you, I'm drinking a diet Coke. In fact... ahhh, I just took a sip. My plan is to drink soda (one a day) for the first week and then wean myself off in hopes that this will be easier. Unfortunately, I don't feel like eating chicken or cheese, the two things I brought with me, so I'm basically just not eating. We'll see how long that lasts before I shovel chicken down my gullet without chewing, like a snake. No gym today but I'll probably do stupid chores when I get home. I hate stupid chores. Maybe I'll just play with Johan instead.

I feel like there was something else I was going to say but, for the life of me, I can't think of it. Yeah, I'm certain it was super important, like about how I came to work and found a mystery fruit* at my desk or about how my feet are really cold or something. Actually, I just remembered what it was but it is for another post of all its own. I'll have to make a note so I don't forget. What the fuck? How did I have a topic all picked out and then end up writing so much about the gym?

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