The Allmighty Dollar

I know that is awful but you try using the Paint program without really putting effort into it.

Money, oy. Don't you hate it? I don't. I really actually like money. I like that it buys me things I like cheese and warmth and the things Johan needs and, occasionally, cute clothes, good things to eat, and entertainment. I also like physical money. I like large stacks of bills in my wallet, even if they are ones, a nice pocket full of change, and, my favorite, those gold Sacajawea dollar coins the U.S. came out with a few years ago (for all I know it was fifteen years but let's not think about that shall we?) I'm not one of those people who despise money without thinking about it. I do despise the enormous gap between the rich and the rest of us, but I appreciate what money can do for me and I've been fortunate in my life to somehow be friends with those who have more of it than me and, thus, enable me to enjoy my life a little bit. No one is whisking me away to Paris for a lovely weekend or anything, but a night out to a restaurant where I can drink beer and ogle scantily clad hot girls when I otherwise could not afford to do so is quite nice*. I'm sure J appreciates it when he can go to the pub with me and have a good cheeseburger and a few beers without paying a dime. I'm not a gold digger, though I joke about it often enough, I just like when I can enjoy myself without doing calculations to figure out if I'm going to overdraft or not.**

But! My rent is going to go up in March. I can't complain too much as I've been in this apartment for three years without a single increase (save for the utilities increase which happened mid year when I had a ton of water issues... yes, this is going up as well) but it still frightens me because I believe it means I'll have to move. I also got a credit card bill. I don't have the worst credit card debt, but I have enough to cause me shame at my stupidity. Between that, normal bills (car insurance, electric, cable), and student loans (really, I should just let them go to collections because I'll never pay them off), I have a lot of outgoing compared to incoming. Tomorrow I get to sit down and figure out just how much I have outgoing and when and come up with some sort of plan. Do plasma banks take MS plasma? If so, looks like I know where I'll be making a little extra on the side. 

I don't spend a lot on material entertainment or ornamentation. As I've said before, I basically shop at Target or Kohls for clothes and, since Stalker bought me so many shirts, I'm OK on clothes for the most part.*** Food, gas, and guinea pig items, along with normal stuff (shaving cream, cleaning supplies, trash bags) are my biggest needs. Sundries include booze, magazines, and impulse items like movies or rentals (Red Box). I'm also thinking of renewing my gym membership as it is too cold to run outside and I need to continue doing this if only because it is the most convenient and effective exercise I can get myself to do. And I mean need because everyone tells me exercise is good for MS. There are things I can cut out of my life, and I will do so, in order to save money, but I'm still sometimes gripped by the fear. I don't want to end up impoverished, selling family silver to pay the electricity bill. 

But I need to be strict with myself and make more sacrifices. Do I need more than basic cable? Do I really need cable at all? Internet, definitely. Dude, I'm addicted. But do I need television? No. I have DVDs. Can I survive if I only by necessity food? Absolutely, and this would probably benefit me in many ways and help me become healthier. My prescriptions and medical bullshit is covered because I did FSA this year (you put a certain amount of money into a debit card and use that card for medical shit) but that FSA cash comes out of each paycheck, as do my health benefits and a $1,000 charge because I am covering J regardless of that fact that he has access to his own shitty benefits . So my next check will be smaller than usual, as will they all for the rest of the year (unless I get a nice merit raise in March). So I must buckle down and track every penny and reformat my life so that I can afford to live in some way that is amenable to me. 

Don't get me wrong, I know damn well that I have it a lot better than others. It is a rare day that I have to think "can I afford gas or my medication" though those occasions do actually happen to me (Hunter was the last savior who bought me lunch that I could stretch into dinner and, therefore, buy $30 of gas and pay $30 for my Copaxone [this was before my FSA]). Didn't know that about me did you, that I sometimes have to make those choices that you hear about in Channel 6 Action News horror stories about elderly people choosing between food and medication. But I do. I bet you also didn't know that I spent at least $145 a month on prescription medications. That's why I did FSA; I added up my yearly prescription costs and had J do the same and came up with a number that I hope will cover us. Lord help me if either of us has to go to the ER this year because it will cost, at minimum, $600 as opposed to the $150 copay we had in 2011 (thank goodness I developed MS that year, eh, given my three trips for that purpose on top of J's two trips). 

And I can't just budget for the things I know, I must budget for the unforeseen and the forgettable. Oil changes, tune ups, car malfunctions, illnesses, accidents. What if one of us develops something horrible and needs a tier three drug? I don't think J is even done paying for the sleep studies he had last year though I believe his CPAP, the thing that helps him sleep without choking to death, was paid off when I gave him $150 (this, it kills me to say, is in part to Stalker; when you spend a lot of time at another person's house, you save money and can afford to give to someone else). 

Weirdly, one thing that upsets me is that I won't be able to give to charity as much as I did this year. I received a t-shirt from my local NPR station because I donated $90.50 during their Fall fundraiser. I forgot that I'd be getting a t-shirt. I also donated to various causes through work, to a local radio station, and to a care packages thing for troops thing. I felt good about doing it because I could and I knew my small contributions would help. Now I'm back to wishing I had $.40 lunch vouchers like when I was in the third grade, or that I'd taken a class in finance in my first year of college.

Part of me is in the vice grip of that fear but another part is oddly excited about the challenge of sacrificing, of inviting J over to watch the last of the television before I turn in the box, of taking all the things I can bear to part with to used book stores to sell, and of really beginning to live like an adult. But one never knows, does one? Maybe I'll hit my resolution of becoming rich and/or famous sooner rather than later and this will all have been for naught.

*Yeah, so what? J thinks I'm a closet lesbian and other male friends are convinced I'm gay. I like to go out and have beer and check out the waitresses that have to dress up like tarts because it is part of the 'view.'

**While it is nice that I have friends who can treat me, I always end up with a tremendous amount of guilt because I know I cannot reciprocate. None of my friends has ever held that against me and they have tried to reassure me that they understand and that they don't expect anything, but still, it's hard. I have my pride but I also have a terrible need to let people know that I truly appreciate what they do for me and fear that they'll think my words are lies, no matter how sincere I am, if only because I cannot show them materially.

***I've been wondering recently if it is weird that I wear clothes that the stalker paid for. I don't do it for any other reason than I need to wear clothes and the more recent items are the better. I got rid of anything I felt was 'meaningful' to him but the clothes I consider utilitarian. I don't know what that makes me, other than living paycheck to paycheck, but it is what it is. I'm not throwing away perfectly good shirts that I can benefit by. Give them to Goodwill? Well, I've needed new clothes for awhile now so at the moment, I'm the Goodwill shopper. What I don't pay in cash I pay in awkwardness, regret, and embarrassment.