Last Word in this Chapter

Another thing that I always thought was a lame cliche: men and women think differently. I've always thought that was just a played out stereotype or what have you to keep conservative middle America guffawing at sitcoms. But it must be true because there is no way J could be as deceitful and manipulative as he would have to be to pretend he didn't understand what I was trying to tell him. He's not a deceitful person (or if he is, I've missed the boat by many miles and have still not faced the horrible truth after seven years.)

So today I put myself in his shoes and thought over the conversations we've had the last two days. Yep, big, awkward, horrible, grown up, married people conversations. Ones where he gets angry and I, surprise surprise, cry. Feeling really happy? Cry. Reading or watching something moving? Weep. Angry? Sob. Frustrated? Cry some more. The most annoying of my uncontrolled habits that I've never been able to stop. So I cry and weep and he seethes and feels angry. But we put up with it and soldiered on because we love each other and both want this to work. And this morning, I thought to myself "does he really, truly believe that I still think x y or z even after we've talked about it?" So I e-mailed him when I got to work to let him know I didn't believe it of him and that he needn't worry that I did or that I was watching his every move with suspicion. I also explained that the reason I don't say things while we are actually talking and end up emailing him in the morning is because they don't come to me. Something about sleeping and getting up gives me a bit of clarity and objectivity and so I want to communicate with him about whatever it is but I'm certainly not going to wake him up (again) at 7 a.m. to share.

We are working on things. He's truly sorry that he hurt me and has said that he loves me and that he would never degrade me or humiliate me or hurt me in any way on purpose or with intent. He has said that he doesn't think terrible things about me and that he wishes he could just fix things. But that isn't ever possible so instead we are just working through everything and today was the first good day I've had. I didn't spend the day at work with a clenched knot in my stomach, wanting to be sick at every minute, trying not to cry whilst my mind raced through all the terrible thoughts. Maybe because I'd gotten past the heat of the emotion and because we'd actually communicated like human beings, I was able to get over my shock and horror and start sorting through the rubble.

I'm not wearing rosy glasses or anything. I'm still a bit fearful and still hurt. But I'm trying to view things in a more simple way. Take him at his word. Consider what I've learned about him over all these years and holding up those actions against this one. He and I have both really fucked things up in our own ways and I think we have both owned the responsibility. And hopefully, this will just draw us closer together and we can get back to where we used to be.

Something happened around the end of May when he was studying for his exams and I didn't write about it. It wasn't so much a fight as it was just a catharsis. For a moment I really did think that that was it, we weren't going to make it. But J surprised me by coming back and apologizing for "behaving badly" as he put it. The process of getting a PhD or living with someone who is doing so can really test marriages I've been told. There were a lot of adjustments to be made when J started almost four years ago. Things changed in a number of ways to accommodate his new life as a professional student. And somewhere along the line, things got bad and neither one of us noticed properly. Then we forgot how to have conversations with one another. There is a good chance that my MS did start up at the end of 2007 and affected part of me that really contributed to a big portion of our troubles.

But hopefully we've caught it in time. Hopefully we'll see through all of the bullshit and find each other again and remember why we love each other. Because I do love him, tremendously, but I also want him to be happy. I'm not saying I'm so selfless that I could easily let him go if I knew it would lead him to a happy life. That would be complete and utter shit. I would feel broken and bruised, defeated and drained, and without a sense of life any more. I would be far less of a real person than I am now. But I never want to be some clinging, needy, weak little idiot who shields her eyes from the truth if it just means he'll stay for a little bit longer.

And oddly enough, I think I felt more married today than I have in a long time. I think I finally saw part of who it is I fell in love with again. I didn't know I'd missed him or been apart from him for so long until I felt it today.

And this is the last I'll write about this particular occurrence in my life. I'm vague on the details on purpose. As much as this is my blog and about my life, it is also about those that I love and respect. J doesn't read this (I asked him not to just because I thought it would be weird) but I still feel I owe him the respect of his privacy. I also owe our marriage some privacy and respect because it means a lot to me.

So I'll simply say this: life never stops surprising me with the shit tricks it plays on me and I'm convinced my life is just one long humiliating march towards death. But I also feel a great sense of wonder and accomplishment when some good comes out of it. In whatever form.