Meditations of a Platypuss

Don't Let the Door Hit You

If you are terminated on the spot in my company, you are walked out of the building to prevent you from destroying company property, deleting files, etc. This is an intelligent practice, especially when the person being terminated is an executive or director of some sorts. You certainly would not want that person to take company secrets and strategies to a competitor. Walking the ex employee out of the building can also help prevent dramatic scenes of screaming and chair throwing so it is a safety precaution as well. Because you are walked out immediately, you are not able to collect your belongings and they are inventoried and shipped to you at a later date.

That is one of the most heart-breaking and uncomfortable duties in the world and I've done it twice now. The first time, I boxed up the items belonging to a young woman who had gone on medical leave for a mental illness. She was let go after so many months after having been with the company for at least four years. That is a long time in a cubicle and it showed with all of the belongings she'd left behind. I'd felt bad for her situation on the whole and hated sorting through the pieces of her former work life. But I did it and got through it and moved on. Today was even more wrenching; the person who was terminated, again, a young woman, was pregnant and had had a seizure after being told the news this past Monday. Her over-all boss is, to put it bluntly, a bit dictatorial and tyrannical. Most of the office was shocked and disturbed at the loss of this individual and the tension in the office was evident to all. Inventorying her items, including a prescription for folic acid and over the counter prenatal vitamins, was, simply, god awful. I'd chatted with this person, joked with her, talked about her plans for the new baby (a boy), and just interacted with her regularly. She was a sweet girl and one who willingly helped out other team members. Never having worked with her or in her department, I don't know if she was treated unfairly or if she was competent and/or good at her job. But I do know that the over-all boss had been gunning for her for a very long time.

I boxed up another person's working life - and things had just begun to feel like they'd gotten back to normal.

Waiting for the other shoe...

Other than the above, I've had a ridiculously good week and don't know how it happened. I've been productive and busy at work and a whirlwind of getting shit done at home in the evenings. Nothing spectacular has happened (except for getting to have a new picture taken  for a company ID in which I have two temporary tattoo stars on my face) but it's been a truly wonderful and I am extremely grateful for that. But, on the other hand of course, I'm also terrified that something horrific is awaiting me so I'm in a constant state of vigilance of sorts. Because nothing can ever be good without some tragedy waiting for me.

In true to me style, my life seems to have skipped several beats and jetted to a new chapter. It seems like only yesterday that I was hanging out with one of my best friends all the time, going out to bars and having a good time. A blink of an eye ago, I thought my marriage was over and I was cavorting about with new people in a different part of town and trying to live my entire life all at once. Now I'm back in my apartment, cleaning on a daily basis and giving myself lists of things to accomplish, including such tasks as reading a certain number of pages in any given book. I no longer talk to my friend because I can't, and I no longer go out because I have no one to go out with and no where to go. That sounds sadder than I feel. I am upset, of course, that I've had to say goodbye to a friendship, but, as I do, I felt the sadness and regret incredibly intensely and then let it go. Now I sound cold and callus, as though I didn't really care or that the friendship didn't mean that much to me. That isn't the case at all, it is simply the way I cope and it is something I developed very early on in my life. Unfortunately, I think this is difficult for people to understand and so I believe I end up hurting others incidentally. This is regrettable but I'm afraid I don't think I can change it; nor do I believe I would if I could.

Sometimes I wish my office would transfer me somewhere, maybe our Irving location, so that I could move and start over, leaving everything behind. How ridiculous that must sound given that I am trying to get back together with my husband. But sometimes the one thing I crave above all others is complete and total freedom, including freedom from having to be responsible for another person's emotions. It's selfish of me, and I am a selfish person. I have my good qualities and my bad and I'm well aware of them. Sometimes I think it would be for the best if I transferred and started over, not just for me but for the people I've invited into my life and subsequently hurt. But that is the tricky part about life, isn't it? You can move on and start over but you'll more than likely repeat the same cycle, if even just a different variation of it. And it would be a form of running away, wouldn't it? Running away would never benefit me because I would always have the past clinging to me like a loose thread on a sweater that seems to never end but just keep unraveling. Running away means not resolving things, for better or for worse, and if unresolved, those things remain like open wounds.

So I'll have to come up with a different strategy, one that benefits me and those that I've invited into my life. I have no idea if I'm up to that challenge.

Let's Add Some Awesome

It's that time of year again when my office gets into the holiday spirit with cubicle decorating contests, plans for the company holiday party, and yes, Secret Santa. I usually don't take part in any of it because of my atheism and lack of any need to hang out with work colleagues, but this year I thought, meh, Secret Santa might be fun. And boy does my unsuspecting SS have his or her work cut out for her.