I am busily and productively reclaiming myself. I've gotten my home in order, cleaned out my kitchen for pest control, put said kitchen back together, written a letter, and read a self-proscribed number of pages from my current book (A Moveable Feast, by Ernest Hemingway in preparation of The Paris Wife for book club). I so easily adapt and detach and I know I am hurting someone and that bothers me. But I must maintain my tunnel vision and laser-like focus if I am to survive these last ten days of my thirtieth year.
Because in ten day's time I will be thirty one and my life should improve if it follows its usual pattern. Odd years have always suited me better for some reason, most likely magical thinking, but for whatever reason I don't care. I am leaning steadily into the wind as I slowly make my way to thirty one, pinning my hopes on this coming year, foolishly, haphazardly, dangerously, and joyously. I know that life can get far worse but I'm certain that things will improve as soon as I am out of this awful, despicable, fat age of thirty.
I wrote a letter to a friend who lives in a new world. She finds my language vulgar and my stories, thoughts, and blogposts to be blush-worthy. She has known me for at least nine years and I have always been vulgar and candid and foul-mouthed. I've not changed but she has. I love her and accept this about her but it makes me sad that I can't be as candid and open with her as I once was. But she does not exist for my benefit and I must remember that.
I had a truly good day today, phenomenal for a Monday, especially one following a five day vacation. Granted, I was sick for much of my holiday break but still. I rebounded with energy and happiness, even in the face of events that incensed me and news that broke my heart. I had a good day and I am trying to soak it all in so that I'll remember it all. I handled myself well and was reminded of how good I have it; and how easily it may be taken away. But I did not let fear over rule me. I simply understood that I will always adapt and will always keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I was given a wonderful quote on which I will end this post:
Because in ten day's time I will be thirty one and my life should improve if it follows its usual pattern. Odd years have always suited me better for some reason, most likely magical thinking, but for whatever reason I don't care. I am leaning steadily into the wind as I slowly make my way to thirty one, pinning my hopes on this coming year, foolishly, haphazardly, dangerously, and joyously. I know that life can get far worse but I'm certain that things will improve as soon as I am out of this awful, despicable, fat age of thirty.
I wrote a letter to a friend who lives in a new world. She finds my language vulgar and my stories, thoughts, and blogposts to be blush-worthy. She has known me for at least nine years and I have always been vulgar and candid and foul-mouthed. I've not changed but she has. I love her and accept this about her but it makes me sad that I can't be as candid and open with her as I once was. But she does not exist for my benefit and I must remember that.
I had a truly good day today, phenomenal for a Monday, especially one following a five day vacation. Granted, I was sick for much of my holiday break but still. I rebounded with energy and happiness, even in the face of events that incensed me and news that broke my heart. I had a good day and I am trying to soak it all in so that I'll remember it all. I handled myself well and was reminded of how good I have it; and how easily it may be taken away. But I did not let fear over rule me. I simply understood that I will always adapt and will always keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I was given a wonderful quote on which I will end this post:
"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out."
~ Anton Chekov
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