Darling J,
I am writing this in the off chance that you will read it, because I know it would be inappropriate of me to contact you to tell you these things.
But I want you to know how much I love you. You asked me the other day "so I have to go through this again?" As though I didn't. I know it was I who ended it and that I was the one who knew it wouldn't work. But that doesn't mean it was easy for me. I really thought it would work when I asked for another chance, I did. i had you over for the weekend hoping that I would feel it so that I wouldn't hurt you yet again.
But we aren't the same people. I suppose I'm mostly to blame. When we got together I was 23, not medicated for a year, no future, no hopes. But then we came to Ohio and I found that I did have drive and ambition, that I didn't just have to ride your coattails, though your coattails are admirable. I'll never be as intelligent as you are, and that is not a condemnation on me, just the truth. I will never be that smart, but I'm good at what I do and I found a future. I found self esteem and a backbone. That sounds like you only wanted me because I as weak but that isn't what I meant. I just meant that things changed, that I changed.
I will always love you like no other. I will always worry that you aren't taking care of yourself, that you aren't being pushed to do what is right to make sure you are well. I will always lament the idea that I can't make sure that things are OK. To that end, I will always do my part. I will remain married to you for as long as it takes to make sure you have good health benefits. That sounds cold but really, it isn't. I want to make sure you have the best care available for you. I want you to be checked regularly by specialists to ensure you are OK, to ensure that you are taken care of, because I love you.
I made the mistake of emailing you, saying that I didn't want you to be lonely, that I enjoyed hanging out with you. I can't imagine how that must have felt. I regretted it the minute I told someone because I know that must have hurt. I just didn't want you to feel I was abandoning you. I will be a part of your life for as long as you will have me. I just want you to be OK. I will inject myself everyday, hate the side effects, and deal with whatever is down the road as long as you are OK and happy, though I know it may take time for you. I will do anything, take anything, if only to know that you will be OK.
Because I do love you. I will never stop being nice and kind to you. And like I said before, others will be nice and kind as well. You just have to let them in. I know I was one of the firsts but I'm not going to be the last. You are wonderful. It doesn't matter that my feelings have changed, you are still who you are. You are the most intelligent person I've ever met. You are the funniest, the only one I ever had to worry about making me pee myself in the car. You are handsome, physically, but you also have that dark, brooding quality that women love so well. You really are superb and I hope that one day you will understand that nobody has anything on you.
I would have ended up making you very unhappy. I'm reckless, irresponsible, and just fucked up. I can live like that but you couldn't. Neither one of us was right nor wrong. It's who we are. But you'll find one day that your life would have been shit if we'd stayed together.
That doesn't make it better, I know. I know because as much as I know I made the right choice by telling you that it is over, I still feel like hell. I cry at night over it because I feel so terribly guilty for hurting you over and over. I never meant to, I promise.
There is no one else and i hope you believe that. My friend from work? It wasn't too hard to break that friendship and he turned into a creepy stalker. If I could take that all back I would and we would still be where we are today.
I love you. I like you. You are the best person I've ever met and the biggest influence in my life. I will never forget you and hope to always be in your life so that forgetting you is never a possibility.
I love you and I hope that one day soon you'll understand.
xoxoxo,
Kitten
I am writing this in the off chance that you will read it, because I know it would be inappropriate of me to contact you to tell you these things.
But I want you to know how much I love you. You asked me the other day "so I have to go through this again?" As though I didn't. I know it was I who ended it and that I was the one who knew it wouldn't work. But that doesn't mean it was easy for me. I really thought it would work when I asked for another chance, I did. i had you over for the weekend hoping that I would feel it so that I wouldn't hurt you yet again.
But we aren't the same people. I suppose I'm mostly to blame. When we got together I was 23, not medicated for a year, no future, no hopes. But then we came to Ohio and I found that I did have drive and ambition, that I didn't just have to ride your coattails, though your coattails are admirable. I'll never be as intelligent as you are, and that is not a condemnation on me, just the truth. I will never be that smart, but I'm good at what I do and I found a future. I found self esteem and a backbone. That sounds like you only wanted me because I as weak but that isn't what I meant. I just meant that things changed, that I changed.
I will always love you like no other. I will always worry that you aren't taking care of yourself, that you aren't being pushed to do what is right to make sure you are well. I will always lament the idea that I can't make sure that things are OK. To that end, I will always do my part. I will remain married to you for as long as it takes to make sure you have good health benefits. That sounds cold but really, it isn't. I want to make sure you have the best care available for you. I want you to be checked regularly by specialists to ensure you are OK, to ensure that you are taken care of, because I love you.
I made the mistake of emailing you, saying that I didn't want you to be lonely, that I enjoyed hanging out with you. I can't imagine how that must have felt. I regretted it the minute I told someone because I know that must have hurt. I just didn't want you to feel I was abandoning you. I will be a part of your life for as long as you will have me. I just want you to be OK. I will inject myself everyday, hate the side effects, and deal with whatever is down the road as long as you are OK and happy, though I know it may take time for you. I will do anything, take anything, if only to know that you will be OK.
Because I do love you. I will never stop being nice and kind to you. And like I said before, others will be nice and kind as well. You just have to let them in. I know I was one of the firsts but I'm not going to be the last. You are wonderful. It doesn't matter that my feelings have changed, you are still who you are. You are the most intelligent person I've ever met. You are the funniest, the only one I ever had to worry about making me pee myself in the car. You are handsome, physically, but you also have that dark, brooding quality that women love so well. You really are superb and I hope that one day you will understand that nobody has anything on you.
I would have ended up making you very unhappy. I'm reckless, irresponsible, and just fucked up. I can live like that but you couldn't. Neither one of us was right nor wrong. It's who we are. But you'll find one day that your life would have been shit if we'd stayed together.
That doesn't make it better, I know. I know because as much as I know I made the right choice by telling you that it is over, I still feel like hell. I cry at night over it because I feel so terribly guilty for hurting you over and over. I never meant to, I promise.
There is no one else and i hope you believe that. My friend from work? It wasn't too hard to break that friendship and he turned into a creepy stalker. If I could take that all back I would and we would still be where we are today.
I love you. I like you. You are the best person I've ever met and the biggest influence in my life. I will never forget you and hope to always be in your life so that forgetting you is never a possibility.
I love you and I hope that one day soon you'll understand.
xoxoxo,
Kitten
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