Sometimes I think my life is one long series of 'teachable moments'. I'm fairly intense and tightly wound and I try to give my all to projects I take on. That's all very good and well but, unfortunately, when I fuck up, I super fuck up like I'm trying to win some perverse contest of fuckedupness.
Remember friends A and B from my Tales of Being a Super Cunt? Well things have gotten really out of hand with friend A to the point that I'm afraid that I'll end up in some Lifetime Original Movie sort of scenario. Friend A fell in love with me a few months ago. He told me and I told him several times that I was only ever going to be a friend. He said he was perfectly fine with that on several occasions and I'm dumb as hell and slow on the uptake so I missed all the warning signs of obsession and intensity on his part. Even when other people warned me. Seriously, I'm stupid as fuck. Instead of doing the appropriate thing of distancing myself, I started hanging out with him a lot, staying at his place in an awesome basement bedroom that is completely dark at night. We had a lot of fun going to bars and dancing and just hanging out watching football. At this point, J and I had split and I really thought it was over so none of this seemed untoward.
Now here is a big, glaring, flashing, Hollywood sized warning sign that stupid over here didn't take seriously enough. Friend B works in a different office and comes to ours every so often because one of his reports is on medical leave. Friend B and I get along really well and enjoy hanging out when he is in town. We also flirt fervently and relentlessly through instant messenger and emails. He's going through a shitty thing with work right now and most days I want to throw things at my boss. The flirting and chatting through IM gets us through the day and makes work bearable on days we both want to scream. Friend A knows about this flirtatious relationship because I stupidly told him about it once a few months ago when B and I had gone out to dinner after work. A gets along with B but, and here is the warning sign, he doesn't exactly trust B. That's not even it. OK, Friend A? He had a buddy do a mother fucking background check on Friend B because, I don't know, he was convinced B was going to slip me a mickey and rape me or something.
How did this not scream out "danger, danger!" to me? Seriously? Friend B could sense that Friend A might not be the safest friend to have but I'm an idiot and I don't realize half the time that people can see me physically. Seriously, I still find myself out in public having that "who let me out of the house like this" feeling because I suddenly remember that all those other customers in the store? Yeah, they can totally see my dirty sweat pants, ill fitting sweater, and dirty hair that I've thrown up into a knotty bun. So I'm stupid and I didn't get it and so things just went on spiraling, my having a totally inappropriate relationship with Friend A without realizing just how delusional he was and how intense and obsessive his love for me had become.
When J and I decided to see if we have anything left of our marriage, it was clear that Friend A and I had to go back to just being colleagues. I'd had a lot of fun with him and he'd been a good friend and it sucked, but I would have been a heartless bitch to think that J was asking for something that was unfair or uncalled for. If the situations had been reversed, I would have made the same demand. Friend A's initial response to the news was 100% perfect. He basically said "absolutely, I totally understand, and I wish you and J the very best." But he still contacted me through instant messenger at work. Then I stupidly linked him to something when I shouldn't have (this one. I sent it because Friend A once commented about being against gay marriage). It was harmless enough but it triggered A to think he could send me emails again. He would also IM me at work with something ostensibly work-related and then start telling me random personal things related to his family or whatever.
Then it all came to a head on Friday evening when Friend A started sending me emails asking why I was so desperate to fuck Friend B. Did I love anyone at all? In a series of intimations and subtle accusations, he was trying to get me to divulge something to him. I emailed Friend B about it and he had no clue where this was coming from either. It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that it suddenly hit me. I couldn't log into my computer in the office on Friday and had to have my password reset. Friend A has access to all user names and passwords and so he logged in as me and read my emails and, possibly, instant messenger logs in which B and I had been flirting. He didn't even have to admit it to me because I knew that was it. He fucking abused his position and accessed my files and information for no reason other than jealousy that consumed him.
When I told Friend B about all of this when it first started, he kind of freaked out. He's coming to town this week and he was convinced A would have him followed. That's how out of hand things had gotten with this situation. Two autonomous, grown up individuals with no obligations to Friend A, were now scared of him. I wasn't afraid of having him divulge the flirting because I doubt anyone would care since that's all it is. Yeah, it's heavy and frequent but it's not like B has motel receipts or used condoms to worry about. Frankly, I'd be more concerned about someone telling people at work about what went down with Friend A. But I was afraid of his totally losing it and doing something insane. Fortunately for me, I have a trump card and am fairly certain I'm protected. I have knowledge about Friend A that I can send to his boss and HR and his life would be completely ruined. So I told him, fuck with me, fuck with my friends, and I will end you. I sounded like a complete bitch in my email because he'd pushed me there. The things he has done with background checks and hacking my system are unbelievably out of line and he needs to be checked before he jumps completely over the edge.
Hopefully my ability to ruin his life will provide that check. He replied that I was right and that he really hoped I wouldn't go through with it. But he's said things before that weren't true and he has issues keeping his word so we'll see. I can handle people fucking with me to a certain extent but don't bring my friends or other people into it. No one should be made to feel annoyed or uncomfortable as a side effect of my friendship. I think Friend A understands that now but all I can do is wait and see. I would honestly hate to have to contact the HR department and have his life be scrutinized and ruined. I don't really want to hurt anybody or give them a hard time. But if I have to, I will. It's called survival and taking care of me and mine.
The craziest thing? I really thought that he was my friend and I felt really bad for everything because I knew he was struggling with his feelings and I felt bad for hurting him. Now all I have is contempt, anger, and tremendous disbelief. I can't believe I was so naive and credulous, that I totally ignored the warning signs and the warnings from my friends. I'm angry and annoyed with myself but I'm absolutely livid with Friend A for violating my privacy and that of Friend B. I'm scared at his inability or his refusal to let go of me. I think I'd feel more hurt if I didn't realize so clearly now that he was never my friend, not truly. He was generous and kind to me but I think he always believed that I had deeper feelings for him that I just wasn't admitting to and that one day we'd have a different relationship. That's who he was to me, not a friend willing to accept me as I am, but one that was trying to pull A grades from a D student.
But I guess that's what life is all about, shame, regret, and moving on.
Remember friends A and B from my Tales of Being a Super Cunt? Well things have gotten really out of hand with friend A to the point that I'm afraid that I'll end up in some Lifetime Original Movie sort of scenario. Friend A fell in love with me a few months ago. He told me and I told him several times that I was only ever going to be a friend. He said he was perfectly fine with that on several occasions and I'm dumb as hell and slow on the uptake so I missed all the warning signs of obsession and intensity on his part. Even when other people warned me. Seriously, I'm stupid as fuck. Instead of doing the appropriate thing of distancing myself, I started hanging out with him a lot, staying at his place in an awesome basement bedroom that is completely dark at night. We had a lot of fun going to bars and dancing and just hanging out watching football. At this point, J and I had split and I really thought it was over so none of this seemed untoward.
Now here is a big, glaring, flashing, Hollywood sized warning sign that stupid over here didn't take seriously enough. Friend B works in a different office and comes to ours every so often because one of his reports is on medical leave. Friend B and I get along really well and enjoy hanging out when he is in town. We also flirt fervently and relentlessly through instant messenger and emails. He's going through a shitty thing with work right now and most days I want to throw things at my boss. The flirting and chatting through IM gets us through the day and makes work bearable on days we both want to scream. Friend A knows about this flirtatious relationship because I stupidly told him about it once a few months ago when B and I had gone out to dinner after work. A gets along with B but, and here is the warning sign, he doesn't exactly trust B. That's not even it. OK, Friend A? He had a buddy do a mother fucking background check on Friend B because, I don't know, he was convinced B was going to slip me a mickey and rape me or something.
How did this not scream out "danger, danger!" to me? Seriously? Friend B could sense that Friend A might not be the safest friend to have but I'm an idiot and I don't realize half the time that people can see me physically. Seriously, I still find myself out in public having that "who let me out of the house like this" feeling because I suddenly remember that all those other customers in the store? Yeah, they can totally see my dirty sweat pants, ill fitting sweater, and dirty hair that I've thrown up into a knotty bun. So I'm stupid and I didn't get it and so things just went on spiraling, my having a totally inappropriate relationship with Friend A without realizing just how delusional he was and how intense and obsessive his love for me had become.
When J and I decided to see if we have anything left of our marriage, it was clear that Friend A and I had to go back to just being colleagues. I'd had a lot of fun with him and he'd been a good friend and it sucked, but I would have been a heartless bitch to think that J was asking for something that was unfair or uncalled for. If the situations had been reversed, I would have made the same demand. Friend A's initial response to the news was 100% perfect. He basically said "absolutely, I totally understand, and I wish you and J the very best." But he still contacted me through instant messenger at work. Then I stupidly linked him to something when I shouldn't have (this one. I sent it because Friend A once commented about being against gay marriage). It was harmless enough but it triggered A to think he could send me emails again. He would also IM me at work with something ostensibly work-related and then start telling me random personal things related to his family or whatever.
Then it all came to a head on Friday evening when Friend A started sending me emails asking why I was so desperate to fuck Friend B. Did I love anyone at all? In a series of intimations and subtle accusations, he was trying to get me to divulge something to him. I emailed Friend B about it and he had no clue where this was coming from either. It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that it suddenly hit me. I couldn't log into my computer in the office on Friday and had to have my password reset. Friend A has access to all user names and passwords and so he logged in as me and read my emails and, possibly, instant messenger logs in which B and I had been flirting. He didn't even have to admit it to me because I knew that was it. He fucking abused his position and accessed my files and information for no reason other than jealousy that consumed him.
When I told Friend B about all of this when it first started, he kind of freaked out. He's coming to town this week and he was convinced A would have him followed. That's how out of hand things had gotten with this situation. Two autonomous, grown up individuals with no obligations to Friend A, were now scared of him. I wasn't afraid of having him divulge the flirting because I doubt anyone would care since that's all it is. Yeah, it's heavy and frequent but it's not like B has motel receipts or used condoms to worry about. Frankly, I'd be more concerned about someone telling people at work about what went down with Friend A. But I was afraid of his totally losing it and doing something insane. Fortunately for me, I have a trump card and am fairly certain I'm protected. I have knowledge about Friend A that I can send to his boss and HR and his life would be completely ruined. So I told him, fuck with me, fuck with my friends, and I will end you. I sounded like a complete bitch in my email because he'd pushed me there. The things he has done with background checks and hacking my system are unbelievably out of line and he needs to be checked before he jumps completely over the edge.
Hopefully my ability to ruin his life will provide that check. He replied that I was right and that he really hoped I wouldn't go through with it. But he's said things before that weren't true and he has issues keeping his word so we'll see. I can handle people fucking with me to a certain extent but don't bring my friends or other people into it. No one should be made to feel annoyed or uncomfortable as a side effect of my friendship. I think Friend A understands that now but all I can do is wait and see. I would honestly hate to have to contact the HR department and have his life be scrutinized and ruined. I don't really want to hurt anybody or give them a hard time. But if I have to, I will. It's called survival and taking care of me and mine.
The craziest thing? I really thought that he was my friend and I felt really bad for everything because I knew he was struggling with his feelings and I felt bad for hurting him. Now all I have is contempt, anger, and tremendous disbelief. I can't believe I was so naive and credulous, that I totally ignored the warning signs and the warnings from my friends. I'm angry and annoyed with myself but I'm absolutely livid with Friend A for violating my privacy and that of Friend B. I'm scared at his inability or his refusal to let go of me. I think I'd feel more hurt if I didn't realize so clearly now that he was never my friend, not truly. He was generous and kind to me but I think he always believed that I had deeper feelings for him that I just wasn't admitting to and that one day we'd have a different relationship. That's who he was to me, not a friend willing to accept me as I am, but one that was trying to pull A grades from a D student.
But I guess that's what life is all about, shame, regret, and moving on.
Holy S&*^.
ReplyDeleteI know, right?
ReplyDeleteI hope that enough time has passed at this point that I can say, "I TOLD YOU SO." Hold that atom bomb card close and do not be afraid to use it.
ReplyDeleteChey, I told myself "she told you so, stupid" plenty of times so no worries there!
ReplyDelete