Oh, 2011, what a year you've been! Let's take a look, shall we?
I will never look back on 2011 with any real affection because it truly has been a shit year. But I have yet to experience anything insurmountable and for that I am grateful. We all have our difficult times and we all deal with them in our own way. I talk about coping quickly and moving on but when I look back on this year, I remember so many days of crying and being afraid, staying in bed all day to be sad, and feeling fairly hopeless. It was, indeed, a sad year and a terrifying one. I developed a disease, a broken marriage, and an almost stalker. But I also learned a lot, grew up, and gained a new understanding of the world and what strength really entails. I also discovered that people are often genuine and kind to me, even if I feel I don't necessarily deserve it. Not because I'm awful but because I do not really present myself as someone to be kind to.
I can't exchange this year for anything, but I can look forward to 2012 with optimism and hope. Not because things can't possibly get worse - I know damn well that they can - but because I know I can continue to survive if only to say fuck you to my life, my body, and my brain, to say, you won't defeat me.
- Began a new position in my company. I was really excited about this but I ended up loathing it because of a difficult work situation. But, it came with a nice raise, more autonomy (too much at times), and I have learned a lot that I can use towards finding a new position.
- Got to live through the 20th anniversary of my father's death the day after my SIL found out that her cancer had returned. But the man has been dead longer than I ever knew him and SIL has a fantastic attitude. She and my brother actually just hiked up one of the mountains near my mother's house. She was wrecked at the end, poor thing, but at least she can say that she did it, one leg and all.
- Enjoyed about a month of really bad headaches and blurry vision, multiple (and costly) trips to the emergency room, and sheer terror only to find out that I have multiple sclerosis. Yeah, this one sucks and I'm not going to pretend to have all ethereal, positive, happy feelings about it. It could have been a hell of a lot worse and so far I don't really have any problems other than inconvenient, unsightly, and uncomfortable side effects from the drugs. Most days I suck it up and act like a big girl but I do have my moments where I weep out of nowhere.
- I developed an almost stalker. This one is just bizarre and out of the blue. I thought I'd made a really good friend and in some ways, I had. But I behaved stupidly and blindly and didn't note the obsession and intensity until it was almost too late. But I learned a lot about myself, other people, and how not to be such an ass. I also ended up making what I believe will be a lifelong friend, one that I'm not scared of in the least and who I know I can trust.
- My marriage ended. J and I separated in July and tried to work things out. Then I felt that things were well and truly over only to find that I wanted to give it another go. I've known for a little while now that it really is over because as much as I love him and care for him, I do not feel that romantic tug anymore. I finally told him last night, after we'd hung out all weekend. He didn't say much and I sobbed and eventually I just had to go because I was so upset and he wasn't speaking. It was the right thing to do but that doesn't make it any better, does it? I have never felt so guilty and horrible in my life for having hurt him repeatedly. I just hope he understands one day that this was not easy for me either. There is good in this, I know, but you'll forgive me if I don't think about that right now and just let myself be upset.
I will never look back on 2011 with any real affection because it truly has been a shit year. But I have yet to experience anything insurmountable and for that I am grateful. We all have our difficult times and we all deal with them in our own way. I talk about coping quickly and moving on but when I look back on this year, I remember so many days of crying and being afraid, staying in bed all day to be sad, and feeling fairly hopeless. It was, indeed, a sad year and a terrifying one. I developed a disease, a broken marriage, and an almost stalker. But I also learned a lot, grew up, and gained a new understanding of the world and what strength really entails. I also discovered that people are often genuine and kind to me, even if I feel I don't necessarily deserve it. Not because I'm awful but because I do not really present myself as someone to be kind to.
I can't exchange this year for anything, but I can look forward to 2012 with optimism and hope. Not because things can't possibly get worse - I know damn well that they can - but because I know I can continue to survive if only to say fuck you to my life, my body, and my brain, to say, you won't defeat me.
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