I'm sorry, but I like Justin Timberlake as a comedic actor. I know, I know. I was the first one to say, back in the "In Sync" days that he was not attractive and I never understood the idea of having a girl boner for a guy with hair that looked like tightly curled pubic hair. But he is a decent actor and he takes funny roles. The douche bag he played in "Bad Teacher"? Nice. And the Kris Kross part in "Friends with Benefits"? Yeah, I rewind that shit like I used to do my VHS tape of "Pretty in Pink" when Ducky busted into the record store and did a little dance to 'Try a Little Tenderness" (John Cryer at his best). Come on, you have to admit he'd have been a great regular on SNL with his street advertising bits where he's dressed in a liquor bottle or as a thing of fat whilst advertizing plastic surgery.
Also: I just put "White Men Can't Jump" at the head of my Netflix queue.
So! Do you make up conversations in your head? Of course you do, I'm not that unique. Here is my dialogue from a conversation I made up in which someone asked me to tell him about myself:
And that is my night. I'm sick again, because that is my new thing. I get sick, I stay sick for a longer period of time than necessary, I get better, I get sicker, and then I get better and feel safe only to have a low level of sickness return. I also have at least three places on my body that are red and slightly raised and that are painful to the touch from where I've injected myself. I'm hoping they'll go away and I'll learn the best places to inject. But for now, I have various places to rub and worry with that weird "this feels kind of good" pain that you experience such as when you wiggle a loose tooth as a child.
Also: I just put "White Men Can't Jump" at the head of my Netflix queue.
So! Do you make up conversations in your head? Of course you do, I'm not that unique. Here is my dialogue from a conversation I made up in which someone asked me to tell him about myself:
"Well, I was raised white trash by a single mother in a small town in the state of Delaware. I have two older brothers, one of which is a Born Again Christian who teaches ESL in Abu Dhabi. He's probably the best one of all my immediate family members. I really enjoy traveling and seeing new places and I've been to 9 different countries so far. Also, I'm an asshole. I'm not proud of this fact but I recognize it and thought I should let you know. John Doe here [based on a real person who is included in this day dream conversation] can vouch for me on that one. What about you? What is your 60 second spiel on who you are."
And that is my night. I'm sick again, because that is my new thing. I get sick, I stay sick for a longer period of time than necessary, I get better, I get sicker, and then I get better and feel safe only to have a low level of sickness return. I also have at least three places on my body that are red and slightly raised and that are painful to the touch from where I've injected myself. I'm hoping they'll go away and I'll learn the best places to inject. But for now, I have various places to rub and worry with that weird "this feels kind of good" pain that you experience such as when you wiggle a loose tooth as a child.
You are not an asshole.
ReplyDeleteYou have one, but you are not one.
Get your head out of your ass.
- John Doe
You evidently don't know me in real life.
ReplyDeleteI just punched a puppy in the face when I was at the store buying bedding for Johan. That's right, a puppy.
You punched a puppy in the face???
ReplyDeleteI stand corrected - you are an asshole!!!
- John Doe
Like I said, you evidently don't know me in real life. That puppy looked at me the wrong way so 'pow'.
ReplyDeleteI would never punch a puppy. But it is easier to say that sort of thing than try to explain to strangers that yes, yes I am an asshole.
I don't think you would need to explain to strangers that you are an asshole - all's they need to see is a puppy looking at you the wrong way and you going 'pow', I think that would do it.
ReplyDelete- John Doe
This is true. I could also just punch the stranger who tries to tell me that I'm wrong about the way I characterize myself.
ReplyDeleteFirst you punch puppies - now you punch strangers.
ReplyDelete- John Doe
If you ever make your way to NYC, you can punch me there. There are a lot of assholes here.
ReplyDelete- John Doe
Dude, I can't even make a fist. I talk like I'm a badass but my fight stance is a fetal position with me in tears begging the other person not to hurt me.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope I'm never in NYC; sorry, but I find it to be highly overrated. Just an opinion.
Justin doing "Dick in a box". rumor is when asked to do the bit for SNL he said absolutely, but i have to rewrite the song to make it catchy, so people can't stop singing it. Google the video. it will make you stop punching puppies.
ReplyDeleteI must be the only person in the U.S. who hasn't seen the dick in a box gag. I'll try to remember to google it when I get home.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not going to punch puppies, don't worry. I've moved on to punching fish.