I finally finished my paperwork and googled the clinic for directions. I really can't believe that I have to do this and I'm terrified that I'll either get bad news or nothing when I go. I don't want to be told I need more tests before I can be told anything because I feel like there must be enough in my file by now to tell me a few things. 8 white blood cells were found in my spinal cord fluid when I had my lumbar puncture. Your immune system is not supposed to get through the blood brain barrier so this is a red flag. There were lesions on my brain MRI. I had a full course of optic neuritis in my right eye and a mild case that spontaneously resolved in my left eye. I have anecdotal evidence from late 2007 to represent a possible former attack. Just please don't tell me nothing can be said until more tests have been done, especially when this appointment is 90 minutes long.
I'll be a wreck, I know. Doesn't matter what he tells me, I'll be fucked up because we'll be talking about it and referring to prognoses and the future. I'm a strong person, I know, but there really is only so much a girl can take.
I took today and tomorrow off from work so that I can get my home in order since my mother will be staying with me. So far I've got the laundry done, the bathroom scrubbed, and the bedroom organized. If I'm smart, I'll move on to other chores just to keep my mind busy. But some things sink in no matter what you do.
I just want to get to the post diagnosis point in all of this. Technically I'm there, but knowing I have a disease without any more information and no treatment plan keeps me held in limbo and it is killing me. When I think about it, I get so scared I cry because I don't know what my new doctor is going to tell me. I don't know how I'll handle giving myself shots. I don't know anything and it scares me, makes me feel helpless, makes me feel weak and awful. I've even stopped researching it because I just don't want it in my head until I know more about my particular form of it.
And I know I have people I can call and talk to but I don't want to because all I'll do is cry and say how scared I am and be incoherent. This fucking sucks. I hate this. I hate fear and I hate uncertainty and I just can't always be as patient as I need to.
I'll be a wreck, I know. Doesn't matter what he tells me, I'll be fucked up because we'll be talking about it and referring to prognoses and the future. I'm a strong person, I know, but there really is only so much a girl can take.
I took today and tomorrow off from work so that I can get my home in order since my mother will be staying with me. So far I've got the laundry done, the bathroom scrubbed, and the bedroom organized. If I'm smart, I'll move on to other chores just to keep my mind busy. But some things sink in no matter what you do.
I just want to get to the post diagnosis point in all of this. Technically I'm there, but knowing I have a disease without any more information and no treatment plan keeps me held in limbo and it is killing me. When I think about it, I get so scared I cry because I don't know what my new doctor is going to tell me. I don't know how I'll handle giving myself shots. I don't know anything and it scares me, makes me feel helpless, makes me feel weak and awful. I've even stopped researching it because I just don't want it in my head until I know more about my particular form of it.
And I know I have people I can call and talk to but I don't want to because all I'll do is cry and say how scared I am and be incoherent. This fucking sucks. I hate this. I hate fear and I hate uncertainty and I just can't always be as patient as I need to.
Thanks, Chey. I'm actually not a needle phobe and have had my blood drawn numerous times. I've just not had a shot in so long I don't remember how they feel like. Hopefully I'll get subq rather than intramuscular or sub-dermal but we'll see. Took a nap and had a dream where I learned how to do it and it 'weren't no thang'.
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