Perspective
My friend’s husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver recently. It is advanced and they don’t know the cause of it (not a drinker). He might not have much time left. I went and I hugged my friend and told her “anything you need, let me know. I know I’m useless but I’ll do my best.” But she just needed the hug and friendship and so I told her I was there no matter what. And then she said to me “oh, Cat, even with your illness you are so strong and good.”
That took me aback. This woman has a husband who might not be a candidate for a liver transplant because he might not live that long and she’s telling me I’m strong? She is at work today. She is showing up and carrying on after spending the weekend sitting with her husband and going over accounts and checking life insurance and having the conversation you never want to have. And yet she thinks I’m strong because I’m willing to be there for her? This woman is, without a doubt, one of the nicest people I’ve ever met in my life. I never realized before just how strong she is until now.
And it really puts things into perspective. I’m pretty good about snapping myself out of self-pitying moods and reminding myself about how good I actually have it. But I do give in, from time to time, and lose my shit altogether. And it’s usually because I’m impatient or scared. I can’t imagine how impatient and scared my friend must be having to wait for appointments to come and for test results to be in. I can’t imagine that fear, that not knowing how long her husband might have. And yet here she is with a good attitude and a kind word to throw at yours truly.
The Usual
My weekend was, as per usual, quite fun. I went out to some bars and danced and met new people and enjoyed myself tremendously. I think I’m doing what I should have been doing years ago – enjoying myself while I’m still young. J is not one to go out and he is not one to meet new people. He most definitely is not one to go out dancing. And that is perfectly OK. He had a lot of times in his younger years when he went out to bars and drank and came on to girls and so he evidently worked that out of his system. But I very rarely did young people things and I just couldn’t whilst married to him because it would have been awkward. I’d have to go by myself or drag him out (shudder) or somehow convince him that I can hang out with guy friends and have it be nothing more than a platonic good time.
Oh dear. This makes it seem like J is some sort of ogre who kept me from enjoying myself. He most certainly did not. It was just a strange situation and our personalities, whilst quite similar, are different enough that I just wasn’t happy staying home and not doing anything all the time. He was busy with work and in his free time, going to bars, drinking, dancing, and getting someone to give you a ride home was nowhere on the list of what he’d like to do. And like I said, that’s fine. But I really couldn’t have done those things while we were together because it would have just felt wrong. Not that I’d be cheating on him but he’d always wonder if I was going to put myself at risk of being taken advantage of by some guy. Or he’d worry that I wouldn’t make it home OK. And I’d resent his worrying. But now that we are no longer together, I’m free to go out and have fun and let loose.
And I still see him on Sundays when I treat him to a meal at our favorite pub. Part of me wonders if he thinks I’m getting through all of this too quickly. He knows I hang out with Kin Twin on the weekends and he commented on it. I told him that yes, I was hanging out with him a lot but that we weren’t dating. “Does he know that?” was J’s question. “Absolutely” was my answer. But soon I’m going to have to let J know that we are living as single people now. Because our marriage is not going to work out. I’m not going to push him on the paperwork because I know it is difficult. I haven’t looked at it myself in about a week. But this is going to happen and I need him to understand that. Because I want him to be open to other options and possibilities. And I want him to go out and have his own version of fun.
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